Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

[RhubarbRocks]

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend :(

Thank you for taking my post in the spirit it was meant. You sound like a different person this morning - strong, determined and level-headed.

Best of luck - it really is worth talking to a private clinic because they depend on getting good results for future business so they won't let you spend £££ on treatment that is bound to fail. We have a lovely donor conception board here if you'd like to come and say hello :)

Hope you have a lovely afternoon - you deserve it.

Good suggestion Lynda - it's worth a few hours of your time to browse the board and learn a little about what your options might be . Knowledge is power

Dump the twat today, now, and in a couple of weeks see if the nice guy is still up for seeing how it goes. You're 100% wasting your time with the loser. He doesn't want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you either. Theres nothing about a selfish, mind fucking twat to suggest he will make a good dad. Good dads are supportive, kind, generous, loving, andhappy to help out with anything. They don't sulk or give you the cold shoulder. Your boyfriend will not make a good dad.

That message is so, so hurtful. His tone is really dismissive and unapologetic. You deserve so much better OP

He's a shit boyfriend and would make a shit father.

Bin him and move on.

I am worried that something terrible as happened to him as I still haven't heard anything since the you're stood up post.

Stop it. Stop it now. Do I have to come over there and give you a slap, young lady?

You know what? I'd love to hear about him having been in an accident. Something really messy and embarrassing and will have him in traction for weeks.

Rhubarb
Forget about 'bf'.
He's just not that into you.
The other guy sounds really nice. Go for it.
You don't need to sort anything out with 'bf'- he's not your boyfriend.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER THOUGHT.
PLease.
Even if he gets down on his bended knees.
He is not worthy of you.

Yes. Resign him to the past. Keep seeing old bf as a friend. And then see if that works out. If not, you are still better off. You don't need someone like that in your life. It sounds like he's taken you for granted for 10 years!

I am worried that something terrible as happened to him as I still haven't heard anything since the you're stood up post.

My thought on this is that he is now giving you the silent treatment /again/ because you pestered him with texts while he was with his mates. "Yes you are being stood up" was meant to shut you up, and it did.

As a previous poster suggested, he may have broken up with you but won't say it (silent treatment rules ). I would presume this, if I were you, and proceed accordingly. Simply do not speak to him again. You do not need explanations, apologies, or "closure". He is treating you like crap- that is all you need to know (and yes, he already knows it ). As pps have said this is an excellent time for this "relationship" to end- whoever broke up with who is irrelevant. But be decisive- you end it now-even without a word ( he doesn't deserve any courtesy at this point).

If he does condescend to grace you with his presence again, I would expect him to use the "my mate sent it" excuse very dismissively. But I don't think a mate sent it; imho, he stood you up because you went on about having kids again and that was your punishment. It is meant to train you to not talk about kids with him again.

As a general policy for me, an answer to a question is either "yes"or "no"...anything that is not a clear "yes" is therefor a "no". Maybe or wait and see or I'll think about it are categorized in the "no" camp until proven otherwise. This rarely fails. So he as not been saying yes to children, he has been saying no all along.

You need to have a bit of a backbone to use this policy - when you need an answer- you need the answer. Someone pissing about and not answering -the evasive non-answers- is someone stringing you along for their own private agenda, or for entertainment in watching you wade through the angst of indecision.

You are in your 40s...this is the age range when people realize they really don't have to put up with crappy behavior off of others. (I was 45.) Just don't put up with this shit anymore.

Sorry if I seem lecturing, I'm on your behalf.

After that text (and his behaviour) and a few days of no contact, surely your decision is easy? Please don't make excuses for him (worrying if he's hurt or his mate sent the text or bla bla) or give him another moment of your time. He has proven to you, time and time again, that he's not worthy. Do the best thing you could ever do for yourself and forget him.

Ahhh.... so he uses emotional abuse to keep in line.
You've had some great advice.
At over 40, you do not need to put up with stonewalling.
Get out there and enjoy yourself.
Put this one down to experience!
Although I imagine he's been in touch, all apologetic and you are giving him another chance?
I do hope not.

He said "yes you're being stood up"??? I would have replied: "Okay. And you're being dumped." What a jerk! You can do better - chin up! And for what it's worth it's far better to be single than stuck in an unhappy relationship. You'll be fine xx

Rhubarb, has he tried to make contact yet? How are you doing? I hope you had a lovely lunch and shopping trip. :)

On the one hand, I would never have arranged a date after a match because that's sacred drinking time.

On the other hand, I think it's pretty indicative of your relationship that he didn't even bother replying.

Thanks all for the good advice! Yes he was finally in touch yesterday after such a long time that I was beginning to think he was in a ditch somewhere. His explanation was that he thought I would be upset he was late/ if he wanted to stay out (actually I would have understood if he'd told me nicely and said he'd make it up to me, and don't have a history of being upset about this sort of thing). He says he was actually coming back, but because he thought I'd be upset he was late, he was angry with me, which is why he sent the message saying I'd been stood up and stayed out because he can't tolerate me being emotional.

Yes, I know ...

I've told him calmly how this made me feel, that it is unacceptable to treat me like this, that he is being controlling and bullying and that he needs some mental health support and needs to talk to someone. I've said by this weekend, if he wants to be with me, he needs to make a proper commitment to me and to have organized some professional help through his gp/private therapist or it's over.

He did say sorry.

So I've not been quite as tough as you'd all advise me to be, but I have now set him and myself two clear time limited things that need to happen for me to stay with him. (Get me and my SMART objectives )

I'll let you know if he comes through on them...

So you're afraid to be less than perfect in case it's too much hassle for him?
You don't like to tell him how you feel in case he gets cross?

In that case, him standing you up is the least of your worries.

O, lots of red flags waving there.

Dump him and look into donor sperm, as others have said.

I'm betting he'll give you just enough to keep you hooked, and you'll be back in the same position in a few months, with him treating you like nothing. I'm sorry. Relationships aren't supposed to be agony - they're supposed to bring joy.

No, no, no, no, no... Far too much drama for a 6-month relationship! He sounds horrid. Good luck! Xxx

So he's made excuses apologized. But that's not the issue.

The issue is that you want a child now, and he won't commit. The issue is that you are walking on eggshells because you're afraid if you really speak your mind he'll break up with you. The issue is that he does not treat you with respect and consideration.

Think I'd prefer to read the found in a ditch ending.

But hey, you can have a happy ending OP and

DITCH him

You can indeed make yourself a happier ending.

Do you want to tell someone (probably a RL someone rather than us) your SMART objectives, so that they can then ask you how it is going and make sure you stick to your outcomes?

I hate when OPs come on here asking for advice then when a huge majority of responders state something the op doesn't listen** and does her own thing.
OP why bother asking us ?

Those bastards are never in the ditch. They stay away until you're so desperately worried that you'll forgive them anything.

Honestly, OP, he has treated you so badly. If you stay with him, you're just telling him he can carry on doing it.

Another 50 year old man who doesn't have the decency to be honest about what he wants.

So basically he told you it was your fault that he didn't turn up and was incredibly rude?

He's 50yo. He isn't going to improve. This is who he is.

He's manipulative.
He's rude
He's unkind
He's unreliable
He's controlling
He doesn't want children.

He isn't going to change. He doesn't want children.

Please don't commit to him. It's a waste of your time.

He doesn't deserve you and a councilling session won't magically change that.