Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

[RhubarbRocks]

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend :(

Please don't commit to this man, the warning signs are all there. He knows you want a child and are in your forties but he won't decide? Unless he is stupid he knows you don't have time on your side so he is being cruel by not telling you straight if he wants kids.

As for last night he was way out of order, I would end it and find someone who does want you and kids or go it alone. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life trying to make him happy and become miserable yourself.

6 months? Run for the hills. If you are certain you want a family you are going to have to find a decent man in my opinion. He sounds like a time waster and an idiot sorry OP

Olennas was bang on the money.

I think you need to remember that he needs to be in no rush to make the decision to have children. He knows he has plenty of time. You are the one who needs to be concerned about that. And if he doesn't want children but doesn't want to lose you, he also knows that all he has to do is 'wait you out'.
If I were you, I wouldn't ask him again. I'd break it off with him now and look into donor sperm. Don't wait any longer.

I think his text was very rude and inconsiderate. What if you had turned down plans to go out with him tonight? My team won tonight (Go Dodgers!) and if I were single and wanted to celebrate with my fan-friends I would take the time to call whoever I had plans with to apologize and explain.

Ofgs you are in your 40's not a teenager !!! Cop on.
Are you just a f*c• buddy to him?
He's nice when he wants it.
3 years it took him and your biological clock is ticking !!!!
Dump him now.

I know you're all right. I'm being like this because other than being in a sort of non-relationship with him for ages, I had been single for ten years until about 10 months ago.

I then got fed up of waiting for current bf to commit and finally met someone who I started seeing seriously.

It was seeing me with him that triggered current bf to 'realize how much I've let you down and love you and want to spend the rest of my days looking after you'.

After 6 weeks of him telling me this, I ended my fledgling relationship to be with him.

I am just a) so disappointed that it's not true; b) furious with myself for falling for what seems like a classic 'can't have it so now I want it' scenario; and c) terrified of being lonely again for another ten years often with whole empty weekends where I am alone (all my friends have small children, are busy with them and don't realize how alone I am, and the clubs I have joined to keep busy are weekdays only).

I know you're right though. I was hoping to find an apology on the phone this morning but nothing.

Thanks MN for giving me a kick up the bum. And for being kind about it! I'll tell him he is out of order today and that things need to change - and will be brave about being alone if I don't get a proper apology, explanation and really believe he will change (and I can't imagine what he can do to make me believe that he will). I've actually already booked an appointment with Relate for this week so will talk it through with them too.

He's not going to change. Sounds like he's in his forties so no way is he going to suddenly start having manners and being nice.

I am really hoping one of his mates has got his phone and sent that message.

Although to be fair, he will probably say that happened wether it did or didn't.

If a friend had texted that, he would be in the phone begging forgiveness way for his friends behaviour, way before now.

I am so shocked at how cold the 'yes you have been stood up' is.

It's absolutely awful. Please don't believe any excuses he gives you.

I mean this as kindly as possible.

If you need to book an appointment with relate in the first six months of your relationship then it's not going to work. This should be the really good period where you have fun and really enjoy being together. When you have kids it will get a whole lot harder with the stresses and strains of day-to-day life.

To me he sounds cruel. He knows what you want and that you don't have time on your side yet he's stringing you along and keeping you guessing. The going cold on you behaviour is to keep you in your place and not allow you to check him on his behaviour. He seems to want all the control and not an equal partnership.

I think in the nicest way he knows your weak points and is using them to his advantage. That's not good and doesn't bode well for the long term.

If you really want a child suggest you look at ways to do it alone.

This man doesn't seem that into you. As PPs say he can probably have DC later, with another partner, and he's unwilling to ttc with you (and isn't treating you well), whereas your fertility could be a huge issue and you don't have time to waste.

I'm sorry OP. What a horrible text to have received. You sound like a kind, genuine person. Don't blame yourself for his failings. You have tried to see the best in him, but unfortunately, actions speak louder than words.
He just sounds like a non-committal drifter. If he has no integrity and self-respect, then it follows that he won't treat you with respect either.
Has he ever talked about what he does actually want out if life, given it sounds as if he's in his 40s!

I'd text back "and your getting dumped, your stuffs outside the door!" And proceed to fill a back with any of his cheap and leave it in the doorstep.

If you are lonely get a cat and join some activity groups in the evening.

If you desperately want a child start looking into fertility treatment and go it alone. ( it'll be cheap than eventually getting married then divorced to the twat)

If you have a child with this man the situation will continue but instead of going to loads of effort to get ready to meet him you'll have been stuck indoors with a baby/toddler all day, not had te to finish a cup of tea all
Day or pee in piece. Not only will there be no nice food in but the kids will have spilt some on the floor. You'll be exhausted and desperate for him to come home to give you a break and then he won't txt to your many texts until silly I clock.

Some people make good friends but lousy partners. Just because you've known them for decades before the "spark" hit does not of itself mean you're meant to be together.

Oh, and being great with other people's small children is not the same as being a great parent. Some people were just born to be great aunties/uncles rather than to have their own.

That man is an utter cock. I was willing to give him a small benefit of the doubt based on the fact the relationship is relatively new but the fact that he allowed you to dump someone so he could lead you up this garden path is just not remotely ok. He is an utter wanker. Just move one he is treating you the best you will be treated by him because it is early days and he is treating you poorly. You deserve better.

OP you are worth more than this.
Walk away. Reinvest in your own life. Being young, free and single opens many doors.Re train, volunteer abroad, start your own business, become a yoga teacher, get into politics, or whatever floats your boat.
Fall in love with yourself more, you are precious.

Would you look into sperm donation? Your boyfriend sounds dreadful, he sabotaged your relationship to keep his sex buddy on tap.

You say you locked the door last night, this suggest you thought he may turn up after the pub. That doesn't sound good either.

That text was bloody awful. He didn't have the courtesy to ring or even flower it up - he knows he can say what he wants and you'll stay.

Toughen up, throw this fish back into the sea (today) - he isn't a catch. Research sperm donation. You can hopefully have your baby, then date again. You don't need this loser, he treats you like shit.

Sorry it's harsh, but you sound lovely and deserve a chance of a baby.

If you want a child you need to get on with it and this may need to be without a man. You are running out of time.

You sound like a pleaser to me. "Put on nice clothes that I know he likes"

He sounds like a commitment phobic immature man child.

You can do better than that.

Just stop contacting him, OP. Assuming he doesn't live with you but he he has a key? Change the locks. He sounds like he has no respect or consideration for you, and you deserve much, much better.

Get rid if him. No way would I stand for that.
I have been through that change from casual to actual relationship and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he treated me the same way once we were official that I'd be out of there. Thankfully he did change entirely and couldn't have been more committed. If he'd ever sent me that text it would have been over. It shows he has no respect for you.

I know all this advice is hard to hear OP, I was in a similar situation 10yrs ago. It felt so good when I walked away. I knew I had to do it but kept making excuses. I finally broke free, bought a new flat and started new hobbies etc. I was single for 4 yrs and then met my lovely DH online and 4yrs on we are married with 2 lovely DCs. Please don't accept second best

He's doing his very best to try to tell you he's not interested. If he comes home and makes some half baked "apology"I would only assume that it's to buy himself time to do whatever pleases Him.
It's more convenient for him to have a comfortable home life while he pisses about with his mates.
Please grab your self respect and kick his sorry arse to touch.

I know this thread has moved on (LTB, OP. Seriously), but I have to address:

Could it be one of his team mates that sent it? I work with a semipro man's football team and that's the kind of thing that they would do after a few celebratory drinks post match.

Then they're immature assholes. Sorry, but decent men don't do that sort of thing - not only to the recipient of the message, but to their own friends. Who knows what kind of a shitstorm that might bring up? Answer: they don't, so don't risk it. I mean, think about it: they're fucking around with other people's relationships!

Closer to OP, if that's the kind of people her FWB (sorry, not BF) runs with, and particularly if he didn't stop them, notice the Sent message and grovel, etc, he's as bad as them. Worse, even: cowardly.

All it takes is for a few of these guys to draw some non-asshole boundaries. Stand up and say: "dude, that's not cool".

Testosterone is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Just like estrogen doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

If I'd not had kids yet and was 40 and knew I wanted them, I wouldn't be wasting any time on Relate!

Seriously, it's incredibly hard, but with this 'man' you will just be continually disappointed, and childless, until in not too long of a time, your time to have children will have run out.

You honestly, seriously, just need to dump him. And quickly.

Rip the plaster off-style.

Wishing you all the very best.

Thanks. For those asking, I have explored sperm donation before. There is practically no chance of it working - I am almost certainly not going to get pregnant by sperm donor or naturally. I just don't want to actively exclude the chance of a miracle by not trying at all, which is the conversation we had. Given the expense of ivf and the slim chances for me there is no point in me going that route now, but no harm in seeing if it happens naturally (this is a professional opinion from the nhs, not my own)

Creampastry - he's in his 50s
Trifle - yes he has a key. But I put the deadlock and chain on last night.
Sunny - thanks, that is reassuring