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Original poster

Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

150 replies

RhubarbRocks · 24/09/2016 21:50

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend :(

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 24/09/2016 22:43

You're not overreacting. Sounds like he's quite happy to mess you about when it suits him. I'd not be wanting to make long term plans with someone like that, sorry.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 24/09/2016 22:50

If it's this hard in the beginning it's not going to get better.

There are literally billions of men in the world. You can find a better one.

ecuse · 24/09/2016 22:55

there's a piece of wisdom I learned on here...

when people tell you who they are: listen.

Spartak · 24/09/2016 22:58

Could it be one of his team mates that sent it? I work with a semipro man's football team and that's the kind of thing that they would do after a few celebratory drinks post match.

madgingermunchkin · 24/09/2016 23:07

This might sound harsh but, do you really love him, or is it a case of you like him and get on, and you've settled because you feel you're rung out of time and he's the best you can do?

Because he sounds like a twat.

I'm guessing "officially 6 months but our first kiss was 3 years ago" means you've been his back up fuck buddy for the last 3 years?
It took him 3 years to commit to you, and he's still not sure he wants kids? You're wasting your time.

Do yourself a favour, dust of your self respect and drop kick his arse to the kerb.

Cabrinha · 24/09/2016 23:10

You know you said it looks bad written down?
I suggest you use this thread or just a notebook privately to write down a lot more stuff.
I think this may be the weekend you realise that he treats you shittily and you're with him because you desperately want it to work and to have a family.

I'm not being flippant when I say, at your age and with a boyfriend who punishes you with silence when you are upset, you should do two things:

  1. Ditch the arsehole
  2. Look into donor sperm
LyndaNotLinda · 24/09/2016 23:18

I agree entirely with Cabrinha. Don't waste any more time on this guy. You haven't got time.

If he were a decent bloke, he would care about that. But he isn't and he doesn't.

AyeAmarok · 24/09/2016 23:23

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

He really doesn't sound like a very nice person. And he certainly doesn't sound like he considers you at all.

You can definitely do better than him, please don't settle for this.

Joysmum · 24/09/2016 23:27

he will go totally cold and not speak to me for days if I show I'm cross/upset with him

Your thread is following the traditional pattern of one incident triggering the thread and then subsequent posts revealing the original trigger is trivial in comparison to later revelations. Sad

knaffedoff · 24/09/2016 23:33

I had a similar experience with an ex....... we are both married to new partners and so much happier for itFlowers

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 24/09/2016 23:34

Exactly what Ecuse said. He's told you who he is... Listen!

If he's like this before having children, he would be a million times worse afterwards.

Never ever have a child with someone who would quite literally leave you holding the baby if they got a better offer. He is not a friend to you let alone a partner.
You deserve far far better

RockyBird · 24/09/2016 23:37

He's a prick.

Direct your love towards someone better.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 24/09/2016 23:42

What a dick! He actually said he was standing you up?!

He is only lovely to you sometimes because you don't dare speak out when he isn't. You need to take a long hard look at what you are getting out of this relationship and at what cost.

Can you imagine having a child with this man?

  • You have an antenatal appointment which he doesn't bother turning up to. You don't dare tell him you're upset by it in case he gets cross.
  • You've been home all day with a crying collicky baby and are desperate for some adult interaction and someone to take over the childcare. He is down the pub. When you ask him to come home he tells you he won't.
  • Your child has a parents evening or school trip. He is responsible for going. He can't be arsed. Your child is upset that he has let them down and you have to try and make them feel better without slagging off their dad in case that causes an argument.

You can find a better person to be father to your children and to be a partner to you.

Oldraver · 24/09/2016 23:51

If you are in your 40's and wanting children don't waste any more time waiting around for this tosser, get out before its too late

Oldraver · 24/09/2016 23:53

Obviously they are lots of reasons to walk away, even if you didn't want dc's... but dont let him steal the last few years you may have

TheStoic · 25/09/2016 00:00

If you don't get rid of him after tonight's treatment, then I think you are under-reacting.

Sure it's easy to say - but I know for a fact that a man would not get another chance to treat me like this.

Storminateapot · 25/09/2016 00:05

My first thought was one of his pissed mates sent that and he hasn't realised. Hugely disrespectful.

Luvjubs · 25/09/2016 00:07

Rhubarb, you do sound like a lovely person who deserves to be treated so much better than this man is treating you. I would get out now and not waste a moment longer with him. You deserve someone that will treat you with respect and dignity. This man doesn't deserve you. Hugs

Costacoffeeplease · 25/09/2016 00:27

He takes his time deciding what he wants...

That's nice for him

Now it's time to decide what you want - a tosser who thinks he can treat you like shit? I don't think so

maisiejones · 25/09/2016 00:34

Why do women 'just know he'll be a wonderful dad" and then go on to post numerous things that demonstrate that he's an arsehole? Just where does the wonderful dad come from?

Mycraneisfixed · 25/09/2016 00:43

You're a grown up not a teenager. So is he. Now think: what would a grown up do in your situation?

Atenco · 25/09/2016 04:35

My first thought was one of his pissed mates sent that and he hasn't realised. Hugely disrespectful

All very fine, but he ignored her texts over a period of hours, knowing that she was expecting him.

And the not talking for days... I had a mother like that and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

millymollymomoooo · 25/09/2016 05:03

You want kids with this man-child?

Kr1stina · 25/09/2016 05:05

What Cabriha said.

You are in your 40s and you want kids? You don't have time to wait for this loser. Look into donor sperm now .

HemanOrSheRa · 25/09/2016 05:14

He takes his time deciding what he wants...

That's nice for him My first thought Costa

I rarely post on the Relationships board because there is so much good advice here. But OP, this reminds me of my first marriage when I was 21. We got divorced when I was 22. I'm 44 now. You know and I know that you are worth much more than this. Come on Rhubarb don't allow him to treat you like this. You deserve much, much better.