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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

150 replies

RhubarbRocks · 24/09/2016 21:50

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend :(

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 25/09/2016 07:56

You shouldn't need Relate so early in a relationship, the early part is supposed to be the easy part.

Rather than investing in relationship counselling, perhaps individual counselling about your lack of self confidence might be useful.

People can only treat you badly if you let them. He thinks you should be grateful to have him, so he can sulk, give you the cold shoulder, stand you up, and you'll put up with it, because somehow you've given off a vibe that it's ok to be treated like this.

This needs to stop. You say you will talk it through and he needs to make changes. I think he'll say what you want to hear, toe the line for a week or two, then revert to type.

Lots of guys get caught up with friends celebrating a football or rugby win, one quick drink leads to two, two leads to a night of fun and hangovers the next day. It happens. But the tone of his text, which you had to chase for, was very cruel and disrespectful. It was taking the piss.

If I received a text like that I'd dump him. If my daughters received it, they would do the same. By now saying you'll talk about it, you've already given more than most women would, which is a chance for him to treat you like this again.

You want a baby, then like suggested, look into other ways to have a baby. I doubt he will commit because right now he's in control of the relationship, and he won't want it to change. You've invested more, he knows this and is using it against you.

He doesn't respect you, so start respecting yourself. You are worth so much more.

RhubarbRocks · 25/09/2016 07:57

Sorry Simmi - autocorrected to Sunny!

OP posts:
user1474781546 · 25/09/2016 07:57

OP please don't let your desire for a child obscure your judgement.

Squeegle · 25/09/2016 08:02

I'm sorry. And let me say I do understand
But he is selfish, and not kind and this is not going to get better.
Please tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and mive him into the backlist. Would you be like this with him? I think not. Don't get in any deeper. There are other options whatever age you are. Flowers

DoItTooJulia · 25/09/2016 08:12

Men who make good parents are reliable. They respect their partner. They don't sulk when things don't go their way. They are patient and loving.

This doesn't sound like the man you're describing. What makes you think he'd be a good parent in the absence of those qualities?

Cabrinha · 25/09/2016 08:21

Well, aside from the fact that he's an arsehole and therefore not someone to choose to have children with, he's in his 50s - he's not going to decide he wants a child. He just isn't.

By your 50s, you know. By your 50s, you're usually waving them off to university. He doesn't want a child, you really think he wants to be supporting a teenager on his pension when he's 70? Because that's what you're asking.

You are absolutely right that he wanted what he thought he couldn't have.

Why would you be single for another 10 years? You were dating someone - why wouldn't that happen again?

As for lonely weekends... Aren't lonely weekends better than weekends putting up with shit like this?

I'd rather be lonely at home, or start weekend volunteering, than receive texts like that from my "boyfriend".

You could spend some of your weekends in counselling sessions to help you stop seeing yourself so negatively that you'll accept his shit.

Imknackeredzzz · 25/09/2016 08:21

He actually said "yes your getting stood up"?!!!

Sorry but I would totally end it with him for that alone, he sounds absolutely awful. Ugh he makes me feel a bit physically sick to be honest

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 25/09/2016 08:21

Re you last post, with the greatest respect to the NHS and the hardworking, underappreciated people in it, not everybody knows all the shit they need to know. And some of them don't mind editorialising or letting their prejudices obstruct. And all of them want to keep costs to a minimum.

If, as is clear, becoming a mum is that important to you, get a second opinion. And then a third.

I was a late prima gravida - we'd looked into IVF and got probably the message you're getting: "too expensive and unlikely to succeed".

What worked in the end (after 5 years of trying, and at 45) was folic acid before conception and peeing onna stick to find out when I ovulate. So, mainly "natural". But we would have tried loads of things.

But whatever you do, do it without the Twunt. He's only going to drag you down.

PM me if you like. Smile

123MothergotafleA · 25/09/2016 08:35

God, I just see he's 50, has he already got children by any chance ?
Whatever, I hope his belongings have been thrown into the street ( minus the black trash bags).
Not one more moment to waste on this waste of space.

LyndaNotLinda · 25/09/2016 08:40

You won't get IVF on the NHS if you're in your 40s, you're too old I'm afraid. If you want a child desperately - you could even have double donation (I know post-menopausal women who have successfully conceived this way). But please, if you want to be a mother, don't stick with a crap relationship. He's in his 50s, he doesn't want children.

Focus on what you want in life, not the pathetic crumbs of attention this bloke is dropping you. Don't give him another chance - why would you do that? I suspect you've already been dumped but he just can't be bothered to tell you.

And find something to do at weekends. There are loads of things on at weekends where I live - volunteering opportunities at local events, town clean ups, guerilla gardening etc. Find some new friends without kids - most people in their 40s don't have small children.

These are the reasons you've listed for behaving like you are:

I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him.
It has been so painful getting this far that I want to try to make it work
He will go totally cold and not speak to me for days if I show I'm cross/upset with him.
I'm terrified of being lonely again for another ten years often with whole empty weekends where I am alone

Honestly - is this relationship really making you feel good? You're still alone at the weekend, but with nicer hair and wearing your best clothes. Not great :(

Cary2012 · 25/09/2016 08:46

In his 50s!!

Dear God, he must really think he's the cat's meow! Sends texts that men thirty years younger would be ashamed of to a lovely lady at least ten years younger than him, a lady he turns cold on if she dares disagree with him!

He doesn't want kids, his ship had sailed on that front. (Or he already has a grown up family? grandchildren?)

Just bin him.

wtffgs · 25/09/2016 08:56

know I am letting him walk all over me but he will go totally cold and not speak to me for days if I show I'm cross/upset with him. This isn't sounding great when I write it down....

You're getting there! He really is a nob. All that lies ahead of you, if he stays in your life, is more of this misery. I'd venture to suggest you might be more afraid of being alone than you are actually in love with him. That's fine, society isn't very nice about older single women. Good luck figuring out what you want! BrewCake

AnneGables · 25/09/2016 08:59

You are worth more than this op. Ltb. Don't waste any more of your life with him.

helenatroy · 25/09/2016 09:12

Bloody hell Lynda. Don't ever volunteer for the Samaritans. Smile

Whoooodat · 25/09/2016 09:17

It sounds as if you need to be more realistic about your chances of having children if You have been told Ivf would not work and you are in your 40s (not sure which end.) Add to that you are with a complete loser in his 50s(!!!) then I would call it a day tbh especially if you are with him because you want children. I can't see anything he has going for him.

LyndaNotLinda · 25/09/2016 09:27

You're right helena Blush

I'm sorry rhubarb - that must be horrible to read. I'm just so sad and cross for you but have expressed it very clumsily.

Read Reality's pinned post at the top of this board. You deserve so much better.

SleepingTiger · 25/09/2016 09:34

I second Read Reality's post. In fact it is good to read it from time to time so the words do not fade.

RaeSkywalker · 25/09/2016 09:46

I'm really sorry, but if he's in his 50s, I think it's unlikely that he'll change. Please don't waste any more time on him.

I was taken in by a similar "someone else wants you, so now I want you too" scenario about 10 years ago. I hurt a lovely man because of it, and ended up being messed around by a complete idiot for almost a year Sad

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2016 09:52

The more you've written about him op, the worse he sounds.

hollyisalovelyname · 25/09/2016 10:13

OP
'......and finally met someone who I started seeing seriously'
Could you contact that person again ?
Any way you could rekindle that relationship?
But kick into touch your current 'boyfriend'
A friend of mine wasted her time with a bf like yours and now has huge regrets.
Please take the very good advice given on this thread.

ClopySow · 25/09/2016 10:25

If he was in his 20's, he might just grow out of it. In his 50's he won't.

Do yourself a favour, don't tell him he's out of order and wait to see how he responds, he's not worth it. Just ditch him and move on.

Lorelei76 · 25/09/2016 10:46

Lynda said what I was thinking and frankly it's good that someone says it

The other thing I'm going to ask that will sound harsh - did you let go of friendships op? I just ask because someone's really prioritising a bad relationship, that happens and the friends tend to keep quiet to avoid offence.

I'm 40 and have friends with small kids but we still see each other...even if it is to a background of Disney cars!!

Trills said she wouldn't be friends with this guy. I agree. I wouldn't be a casual acquaintance with this guy!

RhubarbRocks · 25/09/2016 11:53

Lynda - no apology needed - you are right. And no I know I wouldn't get ivf on nhs but I asked for advice after I had a hysteroscopy for other reasons as I didn't think I'd get impartial advice from a private clinic!

Anyway, the children discussion is a side issue in the sense that the central point is that I don't feel I have any say in what happens in this relationship and am getting pushed around. Thanks for opening my eyes.

I am worried that something terrible as happened to him as I still haven't heard anything since the you're stood up post. But I know that's unlikely.

Anyway, it's a sunny day, I've been to the gym, and am now heading into town where I'm taking myself out to lunch and some retail therapy to stop myself sitting in waiting for him.

OP posts:
RhubarbRocks · 25/09/2016 12:04

Holly. We have stayed in touch and had a couple of drinks as friends. He is a lovely guy so owe it to him to sort myself out before anything else, so that if rekindling were possible I could start it without any emotional baggage. I've already messed him around enough. He may well have (understandably) moved on on the relationship front by now though.

OP posts:
PrincessHairyMclary · 25/09/2016 12:14

I dye a twat like this, we'd see each other occasionally around work and child care commitments. I always used to have to arrange dates, I'd get all dressed up and then he'd say he was too tired and could we stay in and watch a film - as if as a single parent I don't watch enough films indoors.

I tried to end it several times and each time he'd buck his ideas up an communicate more until he didn't. Eventually it got to my birthday and he didn't bother texting me (let alone see or drop a card or gift off) I decided I just wasn't going to instigate anything anymore an what do you know, a year later and I still haven't heard from him.

He liked the idea of a girlfriend, he liked knowing we'd probably sleep together when we saw each other etc but I'm much happier single not trying to second guess where were at or waiting on tenterhooks for him to return a text.