Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

[Howexplain]

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

Hope all went ok xx

Hope it went ok

Ah good, you're out the other side.

Oh Op, this sounds so hard for you. Hope it went ok today.

Thank you for all your advice.
We met them at lunch time. They were angry at first asking why I was keeping the baby etc. I stuck to the advice given here and kept calm and focused on DS.
They then calmed down and I was able to chat to DS a bit about what he was up to these days.
Then just as things seemed to be more normal ex kicked off telling me to get rid of the baby which set DS off and they both started being aggressive and the owner of the cafe said if they carried on they would leave. DS stormed out followed by ex and they got in their car and left.

I'm not sure what to make of it but I feel like by at least talking to DS for a little bit it is a tiny half step forward.

Aw, much love to you - that must have been very hard, and scary, and draining.
Well done.
Hope you can sleep tonight.

How very dare they even suggesting that either one of them has any say on what you do with this pregnancy - v sad, all round.

They asked why you were keeping the baby.
They kicked off about you not terminating.
They TOLD you to terminate your pregnancy.

I cannot think why he's your ex.

If you are scared of what he will do then get a Non Mol.

I hope your DS eventually wises up to your ex's ways & he gets in touch with you (Can he? Are you sure he personally has your contact details?) but until he does there's nothing you can do.

It must be devastating to be like that with your son, but for your & everyone else's sake you have to focus on the good things in life. Your other children, your baby & your DH.

How did your DH restrain himself? How is he tonight?

Your ex told you to get rid of your baby? How completely fucked up...

It sounds like your eldest is completely in his father's grip.
Well done op, it sounds like you handled things really well.
Your ds can come out of this situation yet, don't give up hope.

I'm so sorry OP. I had a feeling that was what they would say

I'm so glad you had your DH with you.

your ex is one mad motherfucker-hes clearly brainwashed your son

if you could get him alone u might stand half a chance

what did your dh say

Oh I'm so sorry it was so hard and they were so utterly foul to you. But you did brilliantly. Absolutely brilliantly.

So glad you met them in a public place.

You did the right thing - now please concentrate on cooking your lovely new baby

Oh how I hope you told them there was no chance whatsoever of you aborting your baby? I can't think why they thought they had the right to demand that.

Your ds doesn't see you, or have contact with you - would the aborting of a much wanted baby change that? I'd doubt it.

I hope you can move forward from here x

DH is ok mostly worried about me. He is a pretty calm laid back guy and we had already discussed his role in the meeting which was to stay close but keep out of it and only intervene if he had to.

Yes it is a very positive step forward. You got that window with your boy.

It suddenly dawned on dark ex that 1. things weren't going his way and 2. ds wasn't in his thrall. So he jerked the strings, ds obeyed his prompt and did his bidding. So far so predictable.

I feel so encouraged you got that moment with your boy. Take no notice of what happened after - it was the gold in the middle that was important. And powerful.

Well done.

you were chatting and ex couldn't have that so caused mayhem and destroyed it. we can only hope that in a calmer moment your ds might be able to see how he was played. such a sad situation.

i hope you're ok - take care of yourself and be proud of how you handled things.

OP I'm so sorry that it was such a hard day for you today, your ex is a horrible horrible person to manipulate your son this way and to say such awful, hateful things to you. If you can take a glimmer of hope from today, it's the wee bit of a chat you had with your boy. There is still hope, don't give up. Take care of yourself.

Thank you springydaffs for your advice

I feel like it was worth going just to chat that little to DS and learn about him now.

Firstly- I am so relieved that this went off without any physical violence, and that the cafe owner protected you from too much verbal violence.

It is obvious that your exH is the one causing the problem here. The fact that you managed to calm things down and speak reasonably to your son tells us that. It was only when his father realised that you were having a conversation, rather than a shouting match, that he interfered and things kicked off.

Your ex is loading the gun for your son to fire - and I think he is making sure that your son stays stoked up and angry. I have a feeling that he fears your son's affection for you. It looks as though he constantly works to make sure that the two of you find no common ground. Your son is probably very conflicted. He has strong loyalties to his father, but I suspect that he would like to be close to you , too, but realises that his dad will cut him out of his life altogether (as he has done with your there children) if he shows any warmth towards you at all.

I was angry with your boy when I first read your posts, but now I am feeling very sorry for him. I think he may have a strong sense of being responsible for his dad - perhaps he didn't like the thought of his father being all on his own when you split, and felt he had to go with him to look after him. (He was only about 10/11 wasn't he? Children can have funny ideas and be very protective of their parents.)

Maybe he longed to be with you and the others, but didn't want to see his dad on his own. Poor boy, he must be terribly confused and conflicted, and now his waste-of-space dad is rattling his cage again, no doubt telling him that your replacing him, don't give a damn about him etc etc etc.

All you can do is make sure your son knows your door is always open to him should he decide to get in touch, and keep him n the loop regarding the new baby when s/he is born - weight, sex, name, etc.

I can understand now why you are so concerned about him, as well as loving him, but the important thing now is to look after yourself, let your DH look after you, and both of you care for this precious baby and your other children.

As for abortion - what a dick your ex is!

I feel sorry for your boy too, OP. I hope he manages to get out of his dad's grip one day and finds his way back to you.

Audacious and sick that they felt justified in telling you what to do about your own pregnancy.

I'm sorry you're going through all this op and you've been getting some fantastic advice on here so I can't really add much else!

As for your derangedpsycho Ex I really wish someone could punch him wearing one of these bad boys seen in the picture (I think you should buy one just in case )

How DARE he tell you what to do with your life, your body, and the life of an unborn baby that has nothing to do with him despite what he might think in his f**d up head!
I've never been so furious for somebody in all my life op!

for you op and hope you manage to salvage the relationship with your DS .

I think you did fantastically under very difficult circumstances..

You have done the best you can.

Unfortunately your DS is under the power of your ex.

Hopefully he is off to uni..The sooner he moves out on his own the better.

Hopefully one day he will realise how his dad has failed him.

You have done all you can for now. Focus on what is around you.

I think you handled that really well too

Obviously your ex did too, hence he could no longer contain his rage and started having a tantrum that the meeting wasn't going according to plan.

Could you maybe send your DS message saying it was great to see him today and he's looking well/doing well or similar? Try and not let ex dictate the tone of the meeting?

I'm sorry it ended like that. I can't for the life of me think why your ex is concerned about you having a baby and wants you to terminate it. What on earth has it got to do with him.

He realised that the conversation was going okay and decided to make it explode. What a nasty piece of work he is.

I thought the same thing, Sandy. The conversation was going well and not quite the confrontation the ex had hoped for, so he engineered some drama.