Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

[Howexplain]

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

[HappyJanuary]

I think some of these responses are very harsh.

DS may be 18 but I've got children of that age and you don't stop loving them, or caring about their feelings, or wanting a relationship with them, even if they're treating you unfairly. In OP's position I would also be remembering that I was the parent and bending over backwards to accommodate DS and answer his questions.

Of course he has no right to demand a meeting, or to be upset, or any of it. But children don't often go NC from a parent without a good reason, even if that reason is only apparent to them. He sounds hurt, miserable and sad. You already prefer his siblings, and no there's another one pushing him further down your list of priorities.

And I can also imagine, in the ex's position, dealing with that hurt - however irrational or unjustified - requesting a meeting to discuss it.

FWIW I think telling him by letter was a mistake in these circumstances, as is sending out the message that he's unwelcome in your home by arranging to meet somewhere public, but it's too late now.

[ayeokthen]

HappyJanuary I think your response is by far the harshest, and also wrong. What right does her abusive ex have to be hurt about any of this? The letter was the only way she had to communicate, and she's explained why he went NC.

[HappyJanuary]

Eh? Her abusive ex isn't hurt, her DS is.

[DoreenLethal]

I would worry that the sorting out would be either
A - a punch to the stomach or
B - your son saying he doesnt want contact ever again.

Neither of which are going to be good for you.

[GabsAlot]

you already prefer his siblings

where di u get that?

he said she deserved abuse and stayed with dad after she tried with him living with her an his siblings

[GlitteryFluff]

I agree if your DS wants to talk to your, try tk accommodate it. I assume he knows where you live and welcome any time. He's old enough to talk to you. Your exh doesn't need to be involved.
Congratulations

[HappyJanuary]

I counsel kids in situations like this.

In his head, she prefers his siblings, I'm not saying that's true.

If op ever wants a proper relationship with him, then she's got bridges to build and most of the advice on here would burn them.

This isn't about who's right or who's wrong, it's not an argument between two equal adults, it's an argument between a mother and her son.

[ayeokthen]

HappyJanuary couldn't you have just said that in the first place?

[Storminateapot]

They want to meet you to 'sort this out'. Let's face it, they aren't going to be showing up with flowers & a card of congratulation. They are pissed off.
ExH wants to enjoy having another crack at hurting you - a pregnant woman - for having the temerity to leave him, survive, find love and expand your family.

DS only really knows what Dad has told him. He's confused, hurt, upset and I bet his father is making sure all of those feelings are encouraged and magnified. The medium of delivery of this news will have been painted in the most negative light.

The only thing they want to 'sort out' is telling you to get lost. Your son won't have realised this, but your ex will know - causing emotional distress to a pregnant woman is despicable. There'll be a whole bunch of nastiness for you to hear first, but your DS is his father's puppet to be used for maximum damage. This is to punish and hurt you.

Meet your son. His father has no right to be a part of this.

[HappyJanuary]

I honestly don't mean any disrespect ayeokthen but I don't know what you're on about (in either post).

[ayeokthen]

I misunderstood what you said about the ex dealing with hurt, but the rest of what I said makes sense. Your first post was harsh, your second less so and would have been better instead of your first.

[HappyJanuary]

Interesting that people post on here all the time about going nc with parents and get lots of support. Yet here when the story is presented from the parent's point of view it is suggested that the child is unreasonable or being manipulated.

The fact is, we don't know whether DS is right to be angry at his mum or not.

In her position I would sit and smile politely with anyone if it gave me an opportunity to demonstrate my commitment to my son, to be in the same room for the first time in a year, to show him that I cared. If ex is courteous and respectful it's all good. If ex kicks off in the face of op's unwavering calm dignity then DS may begin to realise his father's true colours. Op has her DP present, so no serious risk of harm (if indeed ex's abusive behaviour was physical).

[Topseyt]

Your ex was an abuser and since the split has done a number on DS who thinks that you deserved some of it!!!

Is it really a good idea to meet either of them at all? What good can come of it? What if they both turn abusive on you?

If you feel you must meet then definitely it should be in a public place on neutral territory. ExH has no need to be involved. None of his business.

You have told DS you are pregnant in the only way that was open to you. There is nothing to sort out unless DS now wants to rebuild a relationship with you (you don't sound too hopeful of that though).. You are having a baby and that is that.

[Atenco]

Only going on the few paragraphs here, it sounds like you have made all the right choices in your life, considering the hand you were dealt. I am bit sickened by suggestions that you had no right to make a new life for yourself and your other children, who were totally abandoned by their father, all because the oldest preferred to live with his father. Not ideal, but at least you know that he is loved and cared for.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm not at all certain that any good will come out of meeting your son in the company of your ex, but you have made your decision.

[SandyY2K]

You didn't mess up. You did nothing wrong and I would definetly meet them with your DH and in public.

I wonder if it's really your DS that wants this meeting or your Ex.

[USbound]

Meet your son, tell him you love him and are sad he doesn't reply to your texts / emails and doesn't want to meet up anymore, hence the letter.
You EX is gleefully running his hands at another way to control and hurt you. Your son willl realise when he is older that his dad didn't want to see his siblings and that is strange

Congrats on the baby and leaving your ex and starting a new life for you and your children.

[SandyY2K]

I'm not sure what good can possibly come out of the meeting and I think it's only going to upset you. Which you really don't need in your situation.

I can only see you becoming very stressed from it all. A meeting with an abuser and a son who has taken his side, just isn't going to be of benefit to you.

What would you loose by not meeting them? You don't have contact with your son. He doesn't see his siblings and your Ex doesn't see the rest of the DC.

Think very carefully about going.

[MrsJayy]

Lovey you had post natal depression years ago please please let this go im sorry your lad has cut contact with you sounds like his dad has had Ds on a pedastal and favoured child but that is not your fault your son has chosen to not see you your communicated the best you could to him meet in a public place but you dont have to justify yourself to yoyr ex or your son.

[SandyY2K]

exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow

He's still trying to control you. No asking. No discussion ... just we are coming round tomorrow

He doesn't want the other DC there because it will be you getting slated.

Your DS can meet you alone or not at all. I'm worried you will ever regret this meeting.

to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

What is there to sort out? You're having a baby and you were informing him of this. There's no discussion required.

DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much.

The only thing I'd say considering DS has said this ... is that you probably shouldn't have bothered telling him in the first place.

I reckon your Ex has told your son you didn't care much for him as a baby ... he's not mentioned your PND. Just that you were a 'terrible mother' and now you're having a baby, so it's probably triggered your DS.

[SandyY2K]

And I'll be honest, if my child was refusing to speak to me, there is no way I could have just merrily gone ahead with another wedding and having another baby.

● It was 4 years ago.
● She was in an abusive marriage.
● Her DS has refused to speak to her.
● He has said he hates her
● She has 4 other children to think about
● She actually has a life herself and has
the right to move on and be happy

[springydaffs]

It sounds like his dad has done a proper job on his mind. ... He is very nearly an adult who has been twisted by an abuser.

This.

They are not a team, despite how it looks. They are abuser and victim.

Do take a look at Joshua Coleman . I found this man's advice absolutely invaluable when I was faced with estrangement from my child, largely due to similar circumstances to your son's virtual estrangement from you. Do gen up on this advice at length - you'll be glad you did.

It is highly likely 'they' will be abusive tomorrow. Please don't see it that you're facing them as a team: you and your boy are both victims of the same abuser. Try not to argue or defend yourself - it is not only a waste of time but counterproductive because neither will be interested in an adult dialogue (ex because he's an abuser and that's what he does; ds because he has been groomed by the abuser).

Your focus here needs to be your boy - who is up to his neck in the web of an abuser (and has been for many formative years ). I'm not saying you pander to ds but at the same time bear in mind it's as if he's in a cult and won't see you in a 3D way. Imagine you are alone with ds, even with abuser ex there, and approach him in a similar way to when he was a little boy (which isn't far from the truth because ex's abuse will have halted him at that emotional developmental stage).

So be kindly but hold boundaries. Don't get into a fight. See it as a wonderful opportunity to see your boy - even if he currently bears little resemblance to the boy you know and love. Don't defend yourself, see it through his eyes, see the boy underneath all the abuse.

Eg the letter. I don't know the wording but, on the face of it, I see nothing wrong with a letter in principle, especially as you haven't known how to contact him. If he kicks off about the letter, say something like 'Yes, I see it has hurt you, I'm sorry I got that wrong and could have done it in a better way'. ie you are speaking to the part of him that is lost underneath ex's abuse. Don't defend yourself.

Etc. Do read Joshua Coleman!

[springydaffs]

re 'could have done it in a better way' eg spoken to him face to face - if you had the chance! Those are the facts but don't defend yourself.

It seems counterproductive, certainly initially, but it works! If ex drones on his spiel, politely swerve what he has to say (but don't take too long swerving...) and get straight back to addressing your boy, your focus on your boy.

Sorry to be prescriptive here. but this stuff works. And your boy needs saving - whether he currently realises that or not.

Don't rise to any bate [superhuman strength needed]. If he (ds) goes for you, don't take the bate.

[VenusRising]

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy!

DONT GO to see your X or your almost adult DS. They can have nothing to "sort out" in your life as they aren't in it, and your life is none of their business.

Concentrate on the relations that inspire and nourish you and leave the others to spin in the wind.

It sounds like your X is using your DS to hurt you, just DONT SEE THEM. THEY AREN'T YOUR BOSS.. You owe them nothing.

Please give women's aid a ring to see how your X is still abusing you, using your DS, and what you can do to move on.

Be safe! Don't go!

[43percentburnt]

Please be very careful when meeting them. Meet in a public place and ensure someone is with you at all times.

[43percentburnt]

Ie they don't nip to the loo etc.