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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

151 replies

Howexplain · 24/09/2016 21:28

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

OP posts:
Starlight234 · 24/09/2016 22:11

I would personally make sure your DH is there and probably meet in a public place..

You haven't messed things up.. It sounds like you are doing your best to keep lines of communication open.

I am assuming your Ex has been feeding him all the crap..At the moment your son is lost to you but you are a vunerable woman in this stage and I would not let 1 grown man 1 almost grown over my doorstep because they don't like your life decisions.

Congratulations on the pregnancy by the way.

PacificDogwod · 24/09/2016 22:13

What have you 'messed up'?
What needs 'fixing'?
Confused

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
So your almost-adult DS1 is taking the news of his mother expecting a baby who will be his half-sibling badly?
Fair enuff - he will need time to adjust.

Nothing needs 'sorting out'.
Totally agree with everybody saying keeping your exH out of your conversation with DS1 if at all possible.
Meet on public ground - a cafe or somewhere similar.

You have done nothing wrong.
Don't allow your exH to put you on the defensive.
There is nothing TO defend in your actions.

V best of luck Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 24/09/2016 22:13

What on earth is there to 'sort out'? You're pregnant. What is DS1 going to do, expect you to terminate because he's not happy?

TBH, I don't think your DS1 is entitled to give you down the country for a decision that is none of his business. He has chosen NOT to be a part of your life/family and even if he's only 17, he's not entitled to an opinion now. If he just wants to say he's unhappy, let him say it on the phone.

Please don't agree to meeting your ex and DS1 alone at your home. It's not going to be a pleasant discussion and you don't need the memory of that taking place in your home. Tell exH that you will agree to meet DS1 at a public place and that exH may not be party to the discussion, it must be between DS1 and you. Tell them that your DH will be accompanying you and that he and exH will have to sit elsewhere (separately) whilst you and DS1 'talk'. If exH insists on being part of this, then so should your DH. You don't have to provide exH and DS1 an opportunity to gang up on you.

BTW, congratulations.

WannaBe · 24/09/2016 22:14

I agree that the ex doesn't need to be part of this discussion.

But TBH I can definitely see why DS1 would be upset.

And I'll be honest, if my child was refusing to speak to me, there is no way I could have just merrily gone ahead with another wedding and having another baby. There are posters on here whose ex's do just that and when the kids are upset the posters are told it's no more than the ex deserves.

LyndaNotLinda · 24/09/2016 22:16

I don't think the situation being reversed would be any different WannaBe. If someone doesn't reply to texts, calls or emails, how do you know they're getting them?

At least the OP is doing her best to let him know. How else would you suggest she contacts him?

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 24/09/2016 22:17

Pleased your DH is coming with you, just echoing others re going somewhere public, particularly with abusive ex present.

ayeokthen · 24/09/2016 22:21

Your ex has no right to barge round and get involved. I honestly don't see any other way you could have handled this OP, try not to worry too much. And congratulations.

PacificDogwod · 24/09/2016 22:21

Where does the OP say 'merrily', WannaBe?
And would you really put your whole life on hold because your teenaged son is struggling with changes in his life?
We know nothing about what led the OP and her exH to separate and that's not what this thread is about.

Original poster
Howexplain · 24/09/2016 22:22

DS1 doesn't want contact with me for a couple of reasons. I admit I wasn't the best mum to him when he was a baby. I had him when I was a teenager and I was unsure and inexperienced. I also had awful PND which wasn't treated for a while. Also exh was (and still is I'm assuming) very close to DS1 he has always treated him very well and always says he is his favourite child etc.

DS 1 doesn't see his siblings either.

OP posts:
Blondieblondie · 24/09/2016 22:23

I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP. You've done what you could in the circumstances. It sounds to me like your ex is pulling your DS strings. How can you sort out the fact your having a new baby?

Tell your DS you want him to be part of yours and the other DC lives. But do not apologise for the new baby and don't let them ruin your new happiness.

PickAChew · 24/09/2016 22:26

So, if your almost adult child had sided with an abusive ex, you'd self flagellate and refrain from building a new life, WannaBe?

I know you regale against LTB posts, but this is taking whatever issues you have with women starting afresh, away from toxic relationships and abusive partners, a little too far.

Lorelei76 · 24/09/2016 22:28

OP gird yourself
I have a feeling this might be a final meeting saying no more contact, that might be why son wants his dad with him
Hope you're okay however it pans out.

QueenLizIII · 24/09/2016 22:29

You know: DS1 is a few months off being an adult IE nearly 18.

He isnt nice to you, has chosen to live with his dad who was abusive to you.

Now his pissed as your flife has moved on and you are having another child?

I say dont meet him at all. Leave it.

What good can come of it? He makes you feel worse for being pregnant? You arent going to discontinue the pregnancy because he is unhappy. It is your life, he is nearly an adult and he can just live his own life.

Mintychoc1 · 24/09/2016 22:30

I think I'd need more context to express an opinion. How old was your DS when you left, and did you leave for your now DH? Was your DS aware of the abuse you suffered?

QueenLizIII · 24/09/2016 22:34

And if DS has CHOSEN to not be part of your life, what bloody difference will you having a baby make?

he doesnt see you anyway and so baby or not, it makes no difference to him if he never sees you.

AyeAmarok · 24/09/2016 22:34

OP, you haven't messed up here at all, and you have nothing to apologise for.

I'm a bit concerned that your DS1 has turned into a carbon copy of your ex-husband, actually. Why, given he's chosen not to have anything to do with you, does he think he has any right to dictate anything about it? It sounds like he might be abusive to you too tomorrow.

Just remember, you have done NOTHING wrong. It's none of DS1, or your ex's business. There is nothing to "sort" (unless your DS wants to say sorry and be back involved with you and his siblings again, in which case hear him out.)

But don't even entertain anything your ex has to say.

BlueFolly · 24/09/2016 22:34

I would definitely not want the ex at the meeting. If your son doesn't want to come under those circumstances then that's his choice.

Original poster
Howexplain · 24/09/2016 22:42

I am wary of giving lots of context because it is already quite identifying but I will try to answer your questions honestly because it will help and I really want help/advice.

DS was 11 when I left. I initially took him (and the other DCs) with me. But he hated it and he only wanted exh and we did some mediation and DS just wanted to live with Ex. Ex only really wanted access to DS. Second eldest DC didn't want to see ex and the other DCs were too young. So in the end DS ended up living with Ex and contact gradually dwindled.

I didn't leave ex for DH I left ex due to the abuse. DS was aware of some of the abuse but he seemed to think that I deserved it.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/09/2016 22:44

This is all about control. If you go they've still got control.

I wouldn't go. You're pg, there's nothing to sort out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

trafalgargal · 24/09/2016 22:49

He's 17 not seven. Tell your ex that if you son wants to come round he is,as always, welcome but at a year off 18 there's no need for ex to come to your home as his escort. This is presuming there's no special needs involved and your son is perfectly capable of getting himself to school and out with his mates without Daddy tagging along. Frankly you told him as a courtesy there's nothing to discuss and certainly not with a controlling ex.

QueenLizIII · 24/09/2016 22:50

DS was aware of some of the abuse but he seemed to think that I deserved it.

Dont meet him. At all.

It is none of his business. He doesnt want to be a part of your life or see you but thinks he has any right to be upset over you having another baby.

Stuff him.

GabsAlot · 24/09/2016 22:50

sorry from what you say theres nothing to sort out

hes nearly an adult if he wont come round and see u on his own tough

why do u jump when your ex says how high

you didnt deserve any abuse and im sorry you lost your son over it but i think its too late too for him now to decide u need to sprt out how he feels about your pregnancy

ayeokthen · 24/09/2016 22:54

It sounds like his dad has done a proper job on his mind. I'm so sorry OP, I think the best thing is to not have this meeting tomorrow, I worry for you and your baby. He is very nearly an adult who has been twisted by an abuser. I can't see what good will come of this meeting. Also, your XH and DS have no right to kick your other kids out of their own home for the evening. What does your DH say?

maddening · 24/09/2016 22:57

I would def arrange to meet in a neutral place and advise exh. That he is not part of the discussion, he can sit elsewhere while you speak to your son, and if there is any chance ds is still receiving texts text to say you understand he is unhappy but you are really looking forward to seeing and getting to talk in person as you love and miss him.

EssentialHummus · 24/09/2016 23:01

He's 17 not seven. Tell your ex that if you son wants to come round he is,as always, welcome but at a year off 18 there's no need for ex to come to your home as his escort. This is presuming there's no special needs involved and your son is perfectly capable of getting himself to school and out with his mates without Daddy tagging along. Frankly you told him as a courtesy there's nothing to discuss and certainly not with a controlling ex.

Spot on. Son is welcome if he wants to speak to you or siblings, but there's nothing to "sort out". If son wants to speak but isn't comfortable seeing you on his own> Costa. Ex turning up to your door> police.