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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

151 replies

Howexplain · 24/09/2016 21:28

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 25/09/2016 03:53

You have great advice here. Meet up in Costa . Ask you ex to sit at another table , although he might refuse or your son might want him to stay .

Your son might use this meeting to dump a lot of anger and hate on you. Not that you have done anything wrong , but he might be angry about the choices he has made, including deciding not to see you or his siblings. He might regret these decisions and want to blame you for them .

I'm sure that you are right, that he's been manipulated by his father. Who is hardly father of the year aa he's abandoned his other four children - that says a lot about what kind of person he is .

So this might not be about the baby at all, that might just be an excuse for your son to be angry with you. You need to be prepared as it might be quite upsetting .

I really hope for your sake that I'm wrong and that your son is willing to build bridges .

Atenco · 25/09/2016 04:14

Listen to springydaffs, she knows what she is talking about

Mintychoc1 · 25/09/2016 07:54

I'm astounded at how many people think it's OK to give up on your own child. Fair enough I don't have teenagers, but I can't imagine that I'd ever go NC with one of my kids, whatever they'd done. If they wouldn't reply to me then I'd try my hardest, but ultimately I'd have to accept it. But if they wanted to see me, then my door would always be open.

And as for him siding with his abusive dad - well that looks to me that he was as much a victim of his father's abuse as you were, having been brainwashed when he was a child. You admitted that you weren't always there for him when he was younger, so your ex cashed in on this and established a relationship with your son, that enabled him to brainwash him. I feel so sorry for your son in this situation.

AnneGables · 25/09/2016 08:20

I would imagine the draw of seeing your ds will mean you're unable to just not see them. I'm glad your dh will be with you, be prepared for a character assassination, I can only imagine your ex just wants to put the boot in one last time.

Keep your cool and dignity, don't show he still has power over you.

Flowers
callycat1 · 25/09/2016 08:30

So do I minty.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/09/2016 08:34

I'd be worried about a punch to the stomach too.

HappyJanuary · 25/09/2016 08:42

I also think there's a fair bit of scaremongering here.

Op has said she left an abusive marriage, but we haven't got any more details than that.

I'm sure she wouldn't have sent her 11yo DS to live with a violent man,she would have fought tooth and nail to keep him with her and safe no matter what. Children ask for all sorts of things that aren't good for them but you don't roll over if you know it's harmful.

She will have her DH with her when they meet. Urging her to meet in public strikes me as an over-reaction but okay, maybe. But insinuations that it could get violent, talk of him punching her in the stomach and so on has come out of nowhere.

In this situation someone has got to look reasonable, why not op. In years to come her DS can remember this as a time when his mum tried hard to rebuild their relationship - whether that ultimately succeeds or not - or the time she said no to a meeting and confirmed what he already suspected.

I really hope it isn't as awful as everyone fears op, and that you get an opportunity to tell your DS what he needs to hear. Good luck today.

PacificDogwod · 25/09/2016 08:43

Nothing here is suggesting that the OP has 'given up' on her oldest son Hmm
Read her post, peeps!

She is bending over backwards to accommodate him.
The advice given is to protect her from not putting herself in too vulnerable a position.

ayeokthen · 25/09/2016 08:51

Thinking of you today OP, I hope you and your son are able to build some bridges. I stand by saying his dad doesn't have to be there, you're under enough stress.

callycat1 · 25/09/2016 08:51

I sympathise with the OP, but the fact is, from the sons perspective, she "wasn't the best mum to him". Yet went on to have 4 other children. Presumably she was better to them. That can be a very difficult position for a child.

Then a year ago she got married, he has been NC since then, we don't know why. And is having a baby with new husband.

We don't know what was said in the letter, I am not doubting ex is abusive but 'DS is very upset, we need to sort this out' I have interpreted as 'we need to sort the relationship between the two of you out.'

Mintychoc1 · 25/09/2016 08:54

I never said OP had given up on her son, but plenty of people on here are saying "go NC with them both, refuse to meet them, walk away, have nothing more to do with them, you're entitled to a new happy life" etc etc. They seem to be lumping her ex and DS together, as if they're a common entity, when they're clearly not. One is an abusive adult, the other is a child who watched his family disintegrate and is no doubt lost and confused.

Mintychoc1 · 25/09/2016 09:00

Also, where did the threat of violence come from? OP was your ex violent, or was he abusive in other ways?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 25/09/2016 09:02

You shouldn't have to see his dad. He shouldn't be able to enter your home. You should have two able bodied men with you if they do come. Certainly, don't be on your own and don't allow his dad to accompany him. It sounds like a continuation of the abuse, with you already sure you're in the wrong when you've done nothing.

Meet the son on his own in a public place for heavens sake.

Mintychoc1 · 25/09/2016 09:10

Has the OP actually said she fears for her physical safety?

flumpybear · 25/09/2016 09:12

Your ex sounds abusive and controlling! I'm wondering if this visit is more for him or your DS?
Make sure your DH is there the whole time, no toilet visits and sit away from ex so he can't whisper nasties.
Remember you've moved on and it's fine to have a new family wtaf does it have to do with your ex?! Bugger all!!! And your son does sound like he's had some upset as a child but you had PND why couldn't your ex help the situation back then? You needed help and it sounds like he didn't step up
You've done nothing wrong, whatever shit us said just remember that! The only possible thing I'd assume the DS wants is connection with siblings which is pisitive ve but from your comments d day that's probably not the case - good luck Flowers

Figgygal · 25/09/2016 09:17

Good luck today
I would definitely try to minimise your exdh involvement in this and meet somewhere away from your own home it's none of his business!!

PacificDogwod · 25/09/2016 09:22

We only know the bare bones of the OP's situation.

Abuse does often escalates in pregnancy.
I think the OP is wise to protect herself while trying to keep lines of communication open with her DS.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 25/09/2016 09:27

Different circumstances, but when I (gently and without pointing the finger at his dad) talked to ds after my ex texted me to say that ds was was "distraught", he didn't know what the fuck I was on about. It was either entirely in ex's head, or yet another attempt to emotionally abuse me.

Yes, your ds is almost certainly troubled and yes your ex has done a number on him (just as he probably did on you), but I'd take any descriptions from him of your son's state of mind with an enormous pinch of salt.

Good luck for today. There's been some great advice here from Springy and a couple of others on how to address your son as a separate entity to your ex, and about how your son might be feeling.

lostowl · 25/09/2016 09:32

Your ex and son sound like 2 peas in a pod sadly

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 25/09/2016 10:20

Springydaffs has given excellent advice.

Original poster
Howexplain · 25/09/2016 10:21

Thank you all for your advice. Especially springydaffs and the others about how to talk to DS.

I am meeting DS and expound lunch time. I have to meet with them and at least try to rescue my relationship with DS1.

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 25/09/2016 10:24

Good luck Flowers

ayeokthen · 25/09/2016 10:24

I hope it goes ok for you OP, don't be too hard on yourself. Your son has been manipulated by his father, you haven't done wrong by having another baby or remarrying. Hopefully in time you and your boy can repair your relationship.

CrazyDuchess · 25/09/2016 10:24

Good luck Flowers

LyndaNotLinda · 25/09/2016 10:28

Best of luck OP. Hope it goes as well as possible. Remember you haven't done anything wrong