Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

[Howexplain]

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

Wishing you luck in salvaging a relationship with your son. Be careful and safe.

Op - maybe the "sort this out" bit means that they want to sort the current situation out? Make contact available? Maybe the fact a letter was put through the door brings home to them the ludicrous situation whereby you can't call/text/email your own son!

I hope it's something like that anyway. Either way, take care & look after yourself xx

Wishing you strength op

Nod and smile, nod and smile.

Butter up ex. Say things like, ' yes, I hear you ' ' good point ' now and again. Look thoughtful.

Say ' it's so lovely to see you' even if he snarls.

To ds not ex!

I wish you the very best with the meeting. Ignore anyone who says you've given up on DS. Your DH will be with you. Do not allow your Ex to say your DH has to leave because it's nothing to do with him.

I can guarantee he your Ex will not want your DH present.

It's either you and DS alone. Or you with them and your DH. You need support when they start laying it on.

Best of luck to you.

Hope meeting has gone well.

I don't see that you've done anything wrong here, OP. How else could you have told DS if he won't see or speak to you? I hope the meeting today goes better than you expect.

Hope it's going OK op. You have done nothing wrong in this situation. Do not fall over yourself trying to apologise for living and being happy.

I hope it went well OP

I hope it wasn't too bad op.

Please let us know how it went.

I have an eerie feeling about this. I think we would all like to know that you are safe.

Hope it went ok

Good luck today OP

I've just RTT, what an awful situation. I really don't see how you could have done anything differently. I hope it goes well today, OP

No idea why you would entertain meeting your ex, hope all went well with your son.

You should not have to see the ex at all, but I can see why you are putting up with it, to save your relationship with DS1. Hope it all went well.

Op has no choice but to see the ex as, currently, he and ds come as a package.

It's not a good idea to throw your weight around with people like the ex (simply bcs they are capable of unbelievable depths to get control). You have to be placatory while holding boundaries almost imperceptibly. Even then, don't crow or all is lost.

To get to her boy she has to go through ex. For now.

hope you managed to follow springydaffs advice - so important to be prepared so as not to get 'played' where abusers are concerned.

Please let us know how you are. We're all concerned about you.

Yes please do OP, you don't need to give details of today, just let us know you're ok.

Thank you for your replies.
I am ok and I will update properly when I have put the DCs to bed.

Glad you're doing ok OP, no pressure here, just glad you got through today.