I feel like my Mother In Law took something special from us

[GaurdiansofOurgalaxy]

My daughter is over 5 months old. My partner and I had been waiting for the right time to introduce solids to her diet (currently breastfed exclusively) and one morning earlier this week we made the decision to start feeding her just a little in the evenings. Based on the guidelines on the NHS website, she is ready. Also, she has started to wake up in the middle of the night more frequently for feeds! Once a week my partners mother takes care of the baby for two hours whilst we attend couples counselling. Before we left we told the MIL that we were going to feed her for the first time that evening and that we were excited. We explained that after we picked the Baby up after our session we were going to buy the highchair/bowls/spoons, etc. Oh how exciting, she said! Are you going to feed her banana? No, not banana. (I didn't explain that I have an allergy to bananas and maybe my baby might too, I just said no, not banana.) Anyway, we got back from our session and upon walking in the door the MIL says "I am so sorry but I had to feed the baby banana, she was soooo hungry"........... We are both upset that she did that. I had fed her a huge feed right before we left, we were only gone 2 hours and every 2.5 to 3 hours is her normal feed time. The MIL knows this. She wasn't hungry. But the MIL has nothing to do in her life since her children left home and her own mum who she cared for has passed away. She believed having grandchildren would fill this gap in her life, and I appreciate that this must be hard for her, but to take away special moments from us, the parents, so that she feels fulfilled doesn't seem fair. When she learned she was having a grandchild she had a whole room built with a full nursery. She had saved every toy and their boxes (including over 400 cuddlie toys in vacuum sealed bags) her children had, and all of her daughters clothing. She is literally obsessed with babies and treats them as toys, like dolls. She knows we are upset about it, but what now? This isn't the first time she has done something like this but she doesn't listen. Would you continue to let her have the baby without us there or are we just asking for more of this? Would you be upset?

I get that the OP was upset about this (although four hours after that first post and no other comment makes me wonder a bit) but there area a few odd things in her post (apart from the behaviour of the grandmother re building a nursery and saving all toys/clothes).

I really don't understand the first things line, or why a whole load of gear needs to be bought to give a baby a taste of food. If banana was possibly dangerous for the baby then why on earth would you not say so?

Also snowgoose I get that you think you behaved badly with your DIL's dog, but seriously you are beating yourself up because you helped train a puppy that you were looking after? Unless you were using aversion methods then how do you imagine that you were causing harm? Is it the stairs that is the issue perhaps? Just seems very odd indeed to think you were doing anything wrong.

Interesting that DMIL chose a banana. Most of my older family members started their babies with purees then introduced actual solids at about 9 months. They thought us giving a banana at 6 months was quite strange as blw wasn't the done thing then .

Why would you go on about it to everyone you spoke to??

How is that the point? The point is that FIL knew she wasn't eating yet, and the parents hadn't wanted to start her on them to just yet.
To do something you KNOW the parents don't want is mind boggling to me! You're not the sodding parent, you don't get to make parenting decisions like when baby starts on solids!
"Oh, she's been eating for weeks here."
What the actual fuck?! Who does that?!

What the actual fuck?! Who does that?!

Indeed. It turned out not 'eating' as such but tastes of food here and there but still not really the point.

We made the mistake of telling MIL how excited we were to take DD to see Father Christmas for the first time later that afternoon when we dropped DD off while I took DH to the hospital for tests.

As a matter of interest, would it not have been kind to invite MiL to join you? She was looking after her for you.

We are invited every year, it's a family tradition we all enjoy and we make a day of it.

Pretty sad how many mothers (who presumably were new mothers once and so know how individual that experience is) can find it within themselves to be and downright dismissive about other mothers who have a different approach and a different level of sensitivity. Bit like the MIL in this case though - I guess.

First solids was a big deal for me. Getting to see baby's reaction was really special. Planned it so dh was around, he was also excited, and filmed it for the grandparents. So I understand where OP is coming from.

People say "pfb" but you never know what the future holds. This may be your only (or last if subsequent child) chance to see a little human experience something for the first time. Fair enough not everyone gets excited by such things, but don't belittle those that do.

I do sorry for the MIL. She sounds lonely and desperately clinging to reliving the past when she was the mum.

NannyOgg we did invite MIL and FIL but they declined because they were going out and didn't seem at all bothered by it. When DD is concerned everything always turns into a family occasion as she is the only GC and family time is always the lots of us.

Mil was a itch, she was to.d you were excited to feed solids that evening then went and did it herself, that's deliberately nasty. I really hope you have serious words with her. It's a nasty manipulative thing to do, don't let her get away with more, but really importantly, don't bloody tell her you're looking forward to whatever it is, then she can't bloody do it first, can she?

I guess I don't think the first food is special. I think DD had ice cream. Or toast, I can't really remember.

This is the first time I have been on Mumsnet and I really appreciate the response. I will try to give answers to as many questions as asked.
First of all my banana allergy isn't horrendous, they make my face and neck and ears red and itchy. That's it. Its never come up.
For the person who commented about the possibility I was making up the situation regarding 400 cuddly toys and nursery: I wish it was made up. The first thing I said after seeing it was "Wow, they could put that on American Horror Story". And 400 is an underestimate. I don't intend on cutting her out, just not sure if having her babysit is the right thing to do unless I expect more of this. We have sat her down before and told her about boundaries. Many members of the family have but she constantly pushes past them as if you didn't say anything. Unfortunately I live in this country on my own, all of my family are in America so I have no further family support to call on and want my little girl to have a strong sense of family but have realised that this might be the "ideal" but unlikely to be the reality. I think the thing that upsets me is that she knew I was excited. Regardless of if anyone agrees with it being exciting or not, it was to me, to us, and she knew that. She also used this two hours per week to take her for her first walk in the pram. She bought her first Christmas stocking already and when I mentioned that we were going to buy her a jumparoo at the weekend she showed up the next day with a jumparoo. Surprise. She made out like it was a present but I got the feeling it was so that she got to choose it and she purposely chose a different one than the one we said we were going to get. I really do have to stop telling her when I am excited. But as I don't have my own family here, it really is hard when you have someone who keeps pretending to care. Thanks again to everyone who responded. I sincerely appreciate it.

Gosh your last post is bad. I think you're just going to have to be firmer. When she turned up with the jumperoo you should have said "thank you but you'll need to return it as we'll be buying dd the X one next week like I said." Easy for me to say but hard for you to do. You're also just going to have to stop telling her things. If you don't like the Xmas sticking or just want to buy your own then just do it. When she asks why it's not being used just explain why. You're going to have to fight back a bit I think. She needs to calm down!

I think she's very very overexcited and overinvolved. Return the jumparoo or sell it on eBay and buy your own stocking.

There will probably come a time when you decide enough is enough and she will get the message one way or the other. I would also closely monitor the way mil treats your dd as she gets older and starts to have ideas for herself. She may be expected to massively conform to what grandma expects.

Still get your own stocking.
Cut the contact down a bit .
Stop telling her anything... She's manipulating you.

Gosh your last post is bad. I think you're just going to have to be firmer. When she turned up with the jumperoo you should have said "thank you but you'll need to return it as we'll be buying dd the X one next week like I said." Easy for me to say but hard for you to do.

Yep, I agree with this. It's SO hard to do, and you do feel like an absolute cow doing it, but you need to do stuff like this. It's the only way.
Polite, but firm. She'll come from a good place with stuff like that, but it does feel like squishing you down, over-riding wishes etc especially with the whole getting in with the feeding first.
Stand firm from the beginning, as believe me it carries on. Then as they get older and see you undermined at stuff it can cause no end of shit.
I must be getting older as I can no longer put up with it any more and pull up every damn time, as it really is the only way.
Things have got a bit better, so it does work.

I just want to apologise, OP, because I made a comment without having read your entire post. Now that I have read that and your update, I realise I was out of order

All the best to you Guardians: she sounds difficult and you sound like the sort of person who's not fond of being difficult yourself and tries to be reasonable. Hope you get the support from your partner you need. Don't let her undermine you. She'll never stop. Give an inch and she'll take a mile.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that a relationship with her is the be all & end all because your family aren't nearby.

If she's a shit person then protect your daughter from her & limit contact as you would with anyone else that duty means you have to see but a relationship with isn't a positive.

So there's a nursery at her house-doesn't mean that it has to be used.

Stop telling her what you intend to do.

I think that the Jumperoo might not have bothered me too much, but it's a pattern of her not listening & not respecting.

I would tell her that her actions are making things awkward and that you really want her to have a relationship with your DD but she is overstepping the mark and undermining you. And if she could tell you before she does things or buys things as you want to work together x

You could have a (slightly uneasy, perhaps!) but good family relationship with her but still keeping her at arms length, and being assertive.

I have been in a similar situation where the more you give and are generous with it, the more they take and ultimately walk over you. It is horrible I know when you want to be able to trust and share. You may be able to one day but you need to actively assert those boundaries since she obviously is not listening. She is relying on you being too polite to put her in her place, but actually it is the only way she'll respect you. Best of luck

Guardians

re your comment:-

"I don't intend on cutting her out, just not sure if having her babysit is the right thing to do unless I expect more of this. We have sat her down before and told her about boundaries. Many members of the family have but she constantly pushes past them as if you didn't say anything. Unfortunately I live in this country on my own, all of my family are in America so I have no further family support to call on and want my little girl to have a strong sense of family but have realised that this might be the "ideal" but unlikely to be the reality".

If you do not intend to cut her out then I would seriously consider seeing her as little as possible and certainly not ever in her own home Raise your own boundaries now a lot higher than they have been previously. You can start by cutting back on all visiting and finding alternative childcare during the two hours you are having couples counselling.
The nursery, clothes and toys she has amassed for your child do not have to be used.

As Diddl states do not make the mistake of thinking that a relationship with MIL is the be all and end all as your family are not near by. Your DD has family already; you and your DH as her parents and you can help in this process further by cultivating relationships around you with emotionally healthy people who are not direct family either. Family as well are not binding and there is no rule that states that you have to spend time with inherently difficult people who ride roughshod over others. Your DD needs healthy role models and your obsessive MIL is not an emotionally healthy person to be at all around. She is using your DD to fulfill some need in her. As your DD gets older she cannot afford to see either parents particularly you as her mother being so undermined by her nan. This woman also does not listen to your DH, her son, either or any wider family members; that is a huge red flag in any case.

Boundaries OP.

STOP TELLING HER SHIT!!!

Get someone else to look after the baby when you are out - are you intending to return to work? Is she expecting to have her?

Will DH back you up if you stand up to her?