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Original poster

I feel like my Mother In Law took something special from us

172 replies

GaurdiansofOurgalaxy · 24/09/2016 13:52

My daughter is over 5 months old. My partner and I had been waiting for the right time to introduce solids to her diet (currently breastfed exclusively) and one morning earlier this week we made the decision to start feeding her just a little in the evenings. Based on the guidelines on the NHS website, she is ready. Also, she has started to wake up in the middle of the night more frequently for feeds! Once a week my partners mother takes care of the baby for two hours whilst we attend couples counselling. Before we left we told the MIL that we were going to feed her for the first time that evening and that we were excited. We explained that after we picked the Baby up after our session we were going to buy the highchair/bowls/spoons, etc. Oh how exciting, she said! Are you going to feed her banana? No, not banana. (I didn't explain that I have an allergy to bananas and maybe my baby might too, I just said no, not banana.) Anyway, we got back from our session and upon walking in the door the MIL says "I am so sorry but I had to feed the baby banana, she was soooo hungry"........... We are both upset that she did that. I had fed her a huge feed right before we left, we were only gone 2 hours and every 2.5 to 3 hours is her normal feed time. The MIL knows this. She wasn't hungry. But the MIL has nothing to do in her life since her children left home and her own mum who she cared for has passed away. She believed having grandchildren would fill this gap in her life, and I appreciate that this must be hard for her, but to take away special moments from us, the parents, so that she feels fulfilled doesn't seem fair. When she learned she was having a grandchild she had a whole room built with a full nursery. She had saved every toy and their boxes (including over 400 cuddlie toys in vacuum sealed bags) her children had, and all of her daughters clothing. She is literally obsessed with babies and treats them as toys, like dolls. She knows we are upset about it, but what now? This isn't the first time she has done something like this but she doesn't listen. Would you continue to let her have the baby without us there or are we just asking for more of this? Would you be upset?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2016 16:05

Hormonal

re your comment:-
"But to cut her off? Seriously? There aren't many people who will love your baby like she does. Many grandparents have to force any interest. Why would you want to deprive your child of an adoring grandparent? Talk about cutting one's nose to spite one's face"..

You think MIL loves this child?. Well she does but not in the ways you may be thinking.

It could be argued that MILs actions were done out of wanting power and control. Her "love" for this child is and has become obsessive. Her actions are not those of a loving and emotionally healthy grandparent. It is not the parents fault that she has no other focus in her life, the child must not be used like this by the MIL or any other relation. The child is not a toy to be picked up and put down as and when, her DD is a person in her own right.

Re this comment from BadTasteFlump:-

"Pag I am determined that when I become a MIL I will bend over backwards to avoid treating my DIL in any of the shitty ways I've been treated"

Seconded. Between them both my parents and ILs have shown me how not to behave.

RaspberryOverload · 24/09/2016 16:07

aquawoman Sat 24-Sep-16 14:40:47

It's a fucking banana

And the OP saying she is allergic to bananas and not wanting to give them straight away to her child in case of passing the allergy on is something worth ignoring, is it?

goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 24/09/2016 16:08

Mn makes me laugh on post like this. This is no big deal and please get over it. Grin

From three months most people put tinny food in their babies mouth as taster. The world hasn't ended yet.

It would not surprise me if your child has been fed all long without you knowing. The banana suggestion might not have been that random. Grin

I think feeding isn't your problem but other issues of undermining taking place. If not then it's a collection of issues including bananarama.

limitedperiodonly · 24/09/2016 16:13

Hold firm OP. It might be only a banana but before you know it, your evil MIL will be stealing your first experience of giving your child crack. Nothing can replace that first glimpse of that little face on Class A drugs. I know, it happened to me.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/09/2016 16:14

I'm surprised your mil doesn't know you're allergic to bananas.Confused It's quite a serious allergy resulting in hives, swollen airways and or breathing problems. You are likely to be allergic to tomatoes, other fruits or latex which contain the same protein.

Aside from the banana issue, set out clear boundaries now and be firm on them. No need to cut your mil out of your lives.

Pagwatch · 24/09/2016 16:14

Yes, but I'm not sure responding to the possibility that the mil may be using the baby to serve her own needs is best dealt with by using the baby to punish her.

It's rather two sides of the same coin isn't it?

Neither action is about the child and both actions involve the adult using the baby rather than having the baby's ultimate needs as their primary concern.

I can understand and sympathise with posters who have had difficult, damaging relationships with their mil. But dismissing anyone hoping for a moderate response because they haven't dealt with a shit parent is not especially accurate or helpful. One could just as easily and unhelpfully dismiss those scarred by a poor relationship with their mil as projecting.

The mil may well turn out to be a shit, terrible, selfish etc. But however the op tries to manage the situation with her mil it should be about the two of them (and hopefully partners) , not about dragging the child straight into it.

NavyandWhite · 24/09/2016 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustCallMeKate · 24/09/2016 16:15

That's awful OP, absolutely awful and what a shame you'll probably now feel that you can't excitedly tell her your plans in future. She's definitely overstepped the mark and it's not fair on you or your DH. Can your DH have a chat with her? My MIL did a few things I didn't agree with however she was easy to talk to and understood that little things to her were massive things to me. She was a fantastic gran though and my children adored her.

Now to this:-

I wouldn't see her with the baby for at least a month then I would not let her hold or do anything with the baby for the next two visits and I wouldn't let her babysit for as long as it takes to ask about it and then I would tell her exactly why - she thinks she knows best. I wouldn't even bother to get cross about it. Just stop,with determination

If you were my DIL you'd be told to fuck right off, not that I'd have done anything to undermine any of my DIL's anyway. I feel bloody sorry for your MIL tbh. IMO if any of my DIL's treated me like this I'd rather not have them in my life. Fuck sake!

aquawoman · 24/09/2016 16:15

Raspberry the MIL had no idea

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/09/2016 16:17

Wise words, Pagwatch.

LimitedPeriod, funniest post I've read today Grin. Do try to be serious please.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2016 16:18

Both parents were upset by MILs actions so it is not up to other people to try and denigrate their feelings as being no big deal.

What has also been missed here by some is the fact that her MIL has no other focus in her life other than their child. The fact too that she had saved all her DDs clothing and toys (presumably now for this child) and has over 400 soft toys all in vacuum bags cannot and should not be discounted. What would you be thinking if either your parents or ILs had done this, would you still be happy to visit them?. Children are not dolls, they are people in their own right.

NavyandWhite · 24/09/2016 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicknameinvalid123 · 24/09/2016 16:22

I would be thinking that my MIL/DM was very unhappy. I would be trying to talk to her properly about it.
Yes, I would be wary of her babysitting child alone but I most definitely would not be stopping visits and cutting her off.

FeralBeryl · 24/09/2016 16:24

Fucking hell! I certainly wouldn't be withdrawing from her life as so cruelly suggested earlier.

I would however, sit down with her (once you've calmed down a bit ) and explain that you need to talk to her as you don't want it to fester and effect your relationship with her.

1st is obviously the choice of good because of the allergies.

2nd - just tell her how hurt you were, you included her by sharing your excitement about the 'big day' and she's pissed on your chips.

It's so difficult - with my first, this would have had me in tears of rage, 3 kids later and I'd let the local hobo give the baby a chomp on his welly for 5 mins peace Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2016 16:26

Pagwatch,

re your comment:-

"The mil may well turn out to be a shit, terrible, selfish etc. But however the op tries to manage the situation with her mil it should be about the two of them (and hopefully partners) , not about dragging the child straight into it".

I think that OPs MIL is obsessive and is using their child to fulfill some need within her. By her actions therefore she has dragged their child into it.

It is also not down to the DIL alone to try and manage what is already a difficult relationship with MIL, that is also her DHs role. He is really key here. Also I doubt very much that she will listen to either of them, the OP has indicated she has not listened to them before now so what would be different this time around?.

Mamatallica · 24/09/2016 16:26

Sounds like the sort of spiteful, passive aggressive trick that my MIL would try, there is no excuse for it and you are definitely not BU for fuming. Luckily my DH knows what his mother is like and there is no way our baby would be left unattended with her. I agree with previous posters, find a new babysitter, it's your baby not hers and she clearly can't accept it.

Pagwatch · 24/09/2016 16:29

Ok Atilla.

I think assuming that you are fully au fait with the psychological state of several people you have never met via a few hundred words from one third party on the Internet is pretty impressive .
Congratulations.

YokoUhOh · 24/09/2016 16:30

dame haha no, it wasn't just the narna. MIL has form for kicking off ('speak as I find' type, who doles it out but can't take it) but she seemed to go utterly batshit when DS1 was born. She would completely ignore me and act like the mother (again, she has form for needing to be centre of attention). She kind-of 'took over' and tried to cover me up when I was BF, or not give DS1 back when he was hungry. She made me really anxious by not respecting my wishes.

We've gradually wound down contact as visits are too fraught. too many dramatic crying scenes when we don't toe the line, or simply stand up for ourselves. I'm not arsed about seeing them (not them me) but DH wants to because they're his parents and he loves them.

Beebeeeight · 24/09/2016 16:34

My DM did this.

In the grand scheme of things you have to just let it go.

You are being a little pfb sorry.

EweAreHere · 24/09/2016 16:34

"Wow. MIL. I can't believe you did that. You knew what our plans were, and you lied about why you did what you did. I'm sorry, but now we won't be able to leave the baby with you without supervision until we feel we can trust you not to go behind our backs again. We are the baby's parents. We decide what is and isn't allowed. Not you.

Oh, and had you asked, we were afraid the baby might inherit a banana allergy from baby's mother, which is why we weren't going to offer bananas for some time. What if there had been an allergic reaction? We would have been on the alert for it. Were you?"

HoneyDragon · 24/09/2016 16:35

Why if you knew all this about you Mil are you making it worse? Poor woman sounds like she needed help and support for sometime .... not babysitting duty Sad

NavyandWhite · 24/09/2016 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaspberryOverload · 24/09/2016 16:37

aquawoman Sat 24-Sep-16 16:15:54

Raspberry the MIL had no idea

My comment was actually aimed at posters like yourself, who were all going on about it only being a bit of banana.

But actually, it's irrelevant if the MIL knew or not. Since there was no need for MIL to have given the child any food, banana or otherwise.

OhTallulah · 24/09/2016 16:38

Must say it surprised me that your MiL didn't know you had an allergy, that's something people usually mention if they're family.
My DiL has allergies, she and DS both talked about it when she first started coming round.
Of course you wanted to give the baby her very first ever food, I get that but Shock and horror at some of the responses on here.

HoneyDragon · 24/09/2016 16:40

It bugs me when a new poster starts a MIL thread then disappears

Possibly kissed the baby and fingers too swollen to type?