I feel like my Mother In Law took something special from us

[GaurdiansofOurgalaxy]

My daughter is over 5 months old. My partner and I had been waiting for the right time to introduce solids to her diet (currently breastfed exclusively) and one morning earlier this week we made the decision to start feeding her just a little in the evenings. Based on the guidelines on the NHS website, she is ready. Also, she has started to wake up in the middle of the night more frequently for feeds! Once a week my partners mother takes care of the baby for two hours whilst we attend couples counselling. Before we left we told the MIL that we were going to feed her for the first time that evening and that we were excited. We explained that after we picked the Baby up after our session we were going to buy the highchair/bowls/spoons, etc. Oh how exciting, she said! Are you going to feed her banana? No, not banana. (I didn't explain that I have an allergy to bananas and maybe my baby might too, I just said no, not banana.) Anyway, we got back from our session and upon walking in the door the MIL says "I am so sorry but I had to feed the baby banana, she was soooo hungry"........... We are both upset that she did that. I had fed her a huge feed right before we left, we were only gone 2 hours and every 2.5 to 3 hours is her normal feed time. The MIL knows this. She wasn't hungry. But the MIL has nothing to do in her life since her children left home and her own mum who she cared for has passed away. She believed having grandchildren would fill this gap in her life, and I appreciate that this must be hard for her, but to take away special moments from us, the parents, so that she feels fulfilled doesn't seem fair. When she learned she was having a grandchild she had a whole room built with a full nursery. She had saved every toy and their boxes (including over 400 cuddlie toys in vacuum sealed bags) her children had, and all of her daughters clothing. She is literally obsessed with babies and treats them as toys, like dolls. She knows we are upset about it, but what now? This isn't the first time she has done something like this but she doesn't listen. Would you continue to let her have the baby without us there or are we just asking for more of this? Would you be upset?

No she went out of her way to be first to fed her solids, deliberately taking that excitement away from the parents. Her apology was just a way to cover her back but a the same time make sure they knew MIL had been first.

Of course it's mean! Just because you do something 30,000 times with a child doesn't make the first time any less special. Developmental stages really matter - they're milestones in the little life, and she took this away from you quite deliberately.

I think the advice you've had to set boundaries now is good. This doesn't have to be a big argument, or aggressive - you can be assertive about your expectations. It's best if this comes from your DH.

As she can't be trusted neither of you leave your child with her again.
She obviously does these things on purpose and if you have it out with her she'll only still do these things but not tell you.

Or you can let her have free reign and not bother what she does.

You are at couples counselling with her son - presuming she knows that's where you go while she's minding the baby. Presumably this means she knows you are working on your relationship and are also adjusting to being new parents.

Then she undermines you.

I would be cross.

BUT, I would also let it go. You have more important things to think about.

Parents remember the first banana? Really??

You do need to come down hard on this op. I know from experience that if you let the odd incident go, it will escalate.

With us it was not wanting to rock the boat with my (hugely stubborn and always right) inlaws, who would refuse to move potentially dangerous things (hot drinks, glass ornaments etc) out of reach when we visited with our just-walking ten month old, because "children need to learn the word 'no'" . Then one day at a family bbq FIL thought it was hilarious to give DS (eleven months old) sips of his fucking lager whilst he had him on his lap.

Cue us freaking out and leaving, them getting in a strop because I'm apparently over-protective, and we've now been NC for years - so at least there was a happy ending

"I wouldn't see her with the baby for at least a month then I would not let her hold or do anything with the baby for the next two visits and I wouldn't let her babysit for as long as it takes to ask about it and then I would tell her exactly why - she thinks she knows best. I wouldn't even bother to get cross about it. Just stop,with determination.

At that point she'll realise that if she doesn't quietly accept that it's your way (or the highway) - you'll cut her out without remorse or mercy again."

WinchesterWoman
Was that a joke? Please tell me it was a joke because what you describe isn't just so fucking unpleasant it makes you sound as if you have some serious anger issues and an inability to react proportionally to a minor event, but it also suggests that you think a baby is a weapon and their relationship with a relative can be used to inflict pain regardless of whether that is actually in the best interests of the child.

Seriously fucked up.

Whenever I feel sorry for some mils I remover that some of the posters on threads like these will be mike one day and it explains everything. Using a baby as a battleground. Obviously the best thing for any child.

Seriously fucked up

Yep

My PILs did this with DS1 and a banana.

We barely see them.

Yoko- please tell me it wasn't just over a banana and there were other issues!!

There is also this other pertinent issue:-

"But the MIL has nothing to do in her life since her children left home and her own mum who she cared for has passed away. She believed having grandchildren would fill this gap in her life, and I appreciate that this must be hard for her, but to take away special moments from us, the parents, so that she feels fulfilled doesn't seem fair. When she learned she was having a grandchild she had a whole room built with a full nursery. She had saved every toy and their boxes (including over 400 cuddley toys in vacuum sealed bags) her children had, and all of her daughters clothing. She is literally obsessed with babies and treats them as toys, like dolls".

Given the above as well, would you want your child to be around such a person like her MIL?. Many people do come from generally emotionally healthy families where such dysfunctional behaviours are thankfully unknown. It is not the case at all that because your ILs are nice, all older grandparent figures are nice. They are not. It could be argued that MIL is treating the child like a toy or wants to play at being mummy again.

Who knew the extent of the role the simple banana seems to have played in so much family drama? I'll never peel one again without a slight feeling of apprehension.

Mil was bang out of order and I would have been angry too. She needs to be told by both of you that your wishes are to be followed to the letter.
But to cut her off? Seriously? There aren't many people who will love your baby like she does. Many grandparents have to force any interest. Why would you want to deprive your child of an adoring grandparent? Talk about cutting one's nose to spite one's face..

hi guardians. The hardest thing i found when I became a parent was that I was now in charge - for the first time ever in the my life. It takes a while to get used to making your own rules and being the boss ! I think that some GPs get a bit carrried away esp with the first grandchild. My PIL were a total nightmare - and to be honest they have carried on being a nightmare. They cannot accept that are in charge, and they do not make the rules like they did when their children were younger. My advice is that either you or your OH (pref him) talk to your MIL and say why you are upset (in a nice way). Hopefully if you sort it now and put in proper boundaries (the childcare rules that you want respecting) then you will build a good relationship where you are happy to leave your little one. If your MIL is not respecting your rules, then you have absolutely no obligation to leave your child with her alone.

I wouldn't see her with the baby for at least a month then I would not let her hold or do anything with the baby for the next two visits and I wouldn't let her babysit for as long as it takes to ask about it and then I would tell her exactly why - she thinks she knows best. I wouldn't even bother to get cross about it. Just stop,with determination.

Although OP may be justifiably upset this is the most immature crappy advice I have seen in a while. Why not just tell MIL straight, without getting angry that OP felt upset and undermined? Why play passive aggressive childish games? MIL is not a mind reader.

MIL may respond fine-if she does respond huffily just state your feelings again. At least everyone will know where they stand.

It is not the case at all that because your ILs are nice, all older grandparent figures are nice

Absolutely, with bells on. And what amplifies it with ILs is the fact that that they tend to overstep the boundaries much more than any other relative or aquaintance would.

Pag I am determined that when I become a MIL I will bend over backwards to avoid treating my DIL in any of the shitty ways I've been treated.

She is a big hairy dick!

My mil did exactly the same - dd1 came home sneezed and a piece of speggetti came out of her nose. 😖

I got over it - in the end

She overstepped boundaries and deliberately gave your baby something you said you weren't going to feed her. That's not "well-meaning but absent minded", the fact that she mentioned banana beforehand suggests that she saw that as her opportunity to get in there first.

SIL did this for DD; gave her ice cream and chocolate sauce at 4 months old, her first food. I was fuming, it was one of a string of things SIL was doing as she was jealous that we had the family's first grandchild and my pregnancy was unplanned. It hurt at first but I shrugged it off and figured that when she has a child I'll just make sure I give it chips as its first food or something, fair's fair

No, but I wouldn't let this slide. She need to be told that it was wrong.

My in laws are not nice. The relationship is incredibly difficult.
That doesn't excuse posters on here gleefully suggesting using a baby to punish the mil.

It may be she gave the baby the banana as she knew the baby was now allowed .
Who knows. You'll have to ask her why .

She probably mentioned banana as its one of the first foods given.

I think the first solids is possibly get overable, although it was (imo) mean of her to make sure that she snuck in first.

It's that you said def no banana.

I do wonder why you told her though.

Lets forget she's your MIL. Lets forget this is your first baby. Lets imagine you left a friend looking after, say, your house, and you'd told her how excited you were about, oh, picking the first apples off your young apple tree. Something that can't be done again. And she knows how much you're looking forward to it. And when you get back - she's done it. First crop of apples picked.

How does that look to you? Deliberate? Spiteful? Self-centred? Caring more about herself than you? Confident she can run roughshod over your feelings and you'll let her?

If something is a big deal to your friend, or to your DiL, you don't take it away from them behind their back just because you can. And then lie about why you did it.

It might be kind for your DH to try to talk to his Mum about why her own life is so empty and how she is feeling whilst also discussing boundaries.
OP could also try to talk to her about hobbies and interests and things other than the baby.
If she persists in being difficult they would have least tried rather than opting for the nuclear option at the first sign of trouble.