I feel like my Mother In Law took something special from us

[GaurdiansofOurgalaxy]

My daughter is over 5 months old. My partner and I had been waiting for the right time to introduce solids to her diet (currently breastfed exclusively) and one morning earlier this week we made the decision to start feeding her just a little in the evenings. Based on the guidelines on the NHS website, she is ready. Also, she has started to wake up in the middle of the night more frequently for feeds! Once a week my partners mother takes care of the baby for two hours whilst we attend couples counselling. Before we left we told the MIL that we were going to feed her for the first time that evening and that we were excited. We explained that after we picked the Baby up after our session we were going to buy the highchair/bowls/spoons, etc. Oh how exciting, she said! Are you going to feed her banana? No, not banana. (I didn't explain that I have an allergy to bananas and maybe my baby might too, I just said no, not banana.) Anyway, we got back from our session and upon walking in the door the MIL says "I am so sorry but I had to feed the baby banana, she was soooo hungry"........... We are both upset that she did that. I had fed her a huge feed right before we left, we were only gone 2 hours and every 2.5 to 3 hours is her normal feed time. The MIL knows this. She wasn't hungry. But the MIL has nothing to do in her life since her children left home and her own mum who she cared for has passed away. She believed having grandchildren would fill this gap in her life, and I appreciate that this must be hard for her, but to take away special moments from us, the parents, so that she feels fulfilled doesn't seem fair. When she learned she was having a grandchild she had a whole room built with a full nursery. She had saved every toy and their boxes (including over 400 cuddlie toys in vacuum sealed bags) her children had, and all of her daughters clothing. She is literally obsessed with babies and treats them as toys, like dolls. She knows we are upset about it, but what now? This isn't the first time she has done something like this but she doesn't listen. Would you continue to let her have the baby without us there or are we just asking for more of this? Would you be upset?

Agree with pagwatch Atilla-you have an almost psychic ability to understand people's psychological motivation and to predict whether they have any capacity for change.[sceptical]

Blimey, wish I'd had most of you lot onside when I complained about my baby's aunt ordering and designing her first birthday cake without asking me. I got flamed for that. But yes, OP, it is infuriating when someone not only robs you of a 'first' with your PFB but also in a way that's unnecessary and potentially dangerous.

As I said upthread, I really think unless you've been in this type of situation it can be completely construed as a non issue.
It's not "just a banana." totally just seen the irony in my username!
You said you were going to do it that night, she knew it was a first and you were looking forward to it, and went and did it when you were out so it was "already done."
It's the same kind of thing that I've just shrugged off but it can really grind you down if you're not careful and let yourself be undermined all the time.
The little things.... such as MIL knew I didn't let toddler dd have coffee but every time she came over, and was having coffee, she'd offer it to dd to have a tiny sip of the dregs. With a "see! I told you she loves coffee!" When I said I didn't want her to have it, she'd do it when I went out of the room instead. --which I knew as dd would bound in saying mummy, I've had coffee!" with a big grin on her face.
Wound me up no end, just who in their right mind thinks that sort of shit's acceptable, to just completely over-ride and undermine wishes?!
Bananas, coffee, it's all the same and it must all be about power or something.

If the allergy was real that bad, you'd wonder why op didn't bother to explain why she'd banned bananas. It would be the obvious thing to do?
I didn't explain that I have an allergy to bananas and maybe my baby would too, I just said no, not banana. Quite odd.

Exactly Tallulah. Allergies can be serious and are usually made common knowledge among family you might eat with. Banana allergies often go hand in hand with other fruits or latex so it's difficult to avoid.

This whole thread is dubious. Bags and bags containing 400+ cuddly toys, an entire nursery built and all the baby clothes and toys kept from her own children? I'm imagining a Mrs. Haversham type character.

I'm calling Banana Drama on this one.

Surely the MiL should know about the OP's allergy? Or don't they ever eat there?

But actually, it's irrelevant if the MIL knew or not. Since there was no need for MIL to have given the child any food, banana or otherwise.*

^^ yes this

Same thing happened with DD, nursery gave her first food unexpectedly. Yeah I was annoyed with them, but they were a good nursery otherwise, so I let it go.

Well, mostly let it go. - obviously I'm still dwelling on it 11 years later!

I think there is something very special about the first food, maybe it's from an instinctive, nurturing thing that this is what mothers do, feed their babies. No idea, but yes I was upset at the time.

Saying it's only a banana is minimising. It has nothing to do with bananas. The mil listened to the parents talk about their excitement at weaning their baby and decided she wanted that experience first. It's sly and IMO, indicitive of a tendency to overstep boundaries. But I can't see why the op doesn't just tell the mil her actions were unacceptable?

Agree with it not being "just a banana", it is the undermining that is the problem.

If you let this go it will be "just a haircut" and "just a pair of shoes"...

...and you do know that most probably according to MIL she will take her first steps, crawl, say mama etc there and she will crow about it.

If you use family as childcare it comes with strings and you just found them. Either let it gooooo let it gooooo or find someone else to babysit because she has just shown you how it is going to be.

I would have been annoyed as well: in-law can be so invasive and intrusive at times. Your partner seems annoyed as well but tread carefully if you ask her not to babysit for you: while your partner might be on your side now, it might well be in the future, he will accuse you to exclude her. The best strategy is not to say anything and do your own things!

Also the idea that it takes time to adjust to being a granny sounds ridiculous to me. If I'm ever lucky enough to become a grandmother I'll just be saying that I'm here whenever and for whatever they need me for. I'll encourage them ask for my help and make a point of asking how they'd like things done. It's quite simple. Don't overcrowd, don't encroach, follow their rules and be there whenever they need you. That's what grandparenting means to me.

In my case, the nursery were just careless but for the OP it does sound like some sort of power trip "I did it first!"

Only the OP knows if her MIL was just thoughtless, or more devious

Is be upset too. She knew you were excited but did it anyway. If your dd really was starving in an inconsolable way and there was no milk around then she could have at least given the food but never mentioned it, so you could have had your own first food experience without knowing. What did you or dh say when she said what she had done. I think your dh needs to have a very serious boundaries discussion with her. For she doesn't agree to calm down a bit then she needs to be told that she won't be looking after dc on her own until she can follow your instructions.

Not vicious and not an overreaction. If you have to put up with it for the free babysitting then it's up to you how to manage it op. If you don't I'd be tough. She's going to be a massive drained if she does this a lot.

What was wrong with what you suggested (IMO) winchester wasn't so much that it was an overreaction but that it was passive aggressive, not straightforward and punitive rather than constructive. Open communication re boundaries would be much better than leaving MIL to wonder what she had done wrong for weeks.

Seriously fucked up ? No, why? This woman is annoying, interfering and point scoring. Pain in the arse. Why would you want to spend time with her? Very odd.

Why does granny looking after a grandchild have to be called 'free babysitting'?

I have my grandchildren anytime. It's the natural order in our family. It's me looking after the children. There's no 'free babysitting' about it.

The woman's not going to understand a diplomatic but firm conversation. She'll just go behind the mother's back. She already did, remember? She plainly doesn't have a clue about normal behaviour. Nice to feel so superior to the op that it doesn't bother you. Lovely. Useless, though, because it bothers her. And she doesn't wAnt it to happen again.

ohdearme1958
A grandparent looking after grandchildren is called free babysitting on MN because its a parallel universe where the idea of families helping each other out across generations is not understood. Everyone has to be completely independent.
Everyone is an "adult" who takes care of themselves as soon as they are eighteen until they lose mental capacity.
No-one does anything out of love.

When did weaning become something parents got excited about?
Did MIL understand the amount of importance OP was placing on this 'milestone' or did she just think OK solids allowed now and mushed up a bit of fruit to stop baby from crying?
I think there is just a difference in expectation here.

Allnew: Another one who feels superior to the op for making a fuss about nothing?

It's not using the baby to punish her. It's not wanting to spend time with someone under certain conditions.

There's no point trying to have a conversation about boundaries. No doubt the MIL would come out with all the guff we've had here, it's only a banana, what's all the fuss about, I was only trying to help blah blah. Then she'd just keep doing it and not telling you.

I'm trying to remember when mine had their first solids and I really can't.

Which is obviously wrong because it's apparently such a precious moment that needs to be cherished forever.

Life is a series of firsts. I wonder will op reserve the right to buy her kids their first pint; and throw a huge wobbly if someone else gets in first?