Fallen out the the in laws. Well f I l to be precise. I feel sick. It is gorrid

[StrumpersPlunkett]

I have no recollection of events but FIL called tonight to say that due to my spiteful and unkind behaviour he hasn't slept for a month and they will not be coming to stay ever again.
They will see the grandchildren and dh but he will no longer see me.

Now I have had issues with him but I suck it up and whinge on here or to friends. I am the most fucking hospitable daughter in law he could hope to find.

Dh is distraught but totally backing me to his dad saying that it sounds like he is talking about a different person but good lord FIL is sticking to his guns.

Dh is an only child we live his mum and dad no matter that they have frustrating habits and gave no idea how to get through this.

Any tips greatly recieved. Really don't want things to get worse. Only to heal and her better.

just call him a lair we dont know him!

theres clearly something going on like i said earlier eitheronset dementia or a vivid dream that he thinks really happened

liar*

DH needs to speak to MIL and make it clear that FIL has offendedyouwith his lies and it needs to stop now.

That could cause more problems ... as it is telling MIL her husband has lied. This is really a he said, she said, because there are no witnesses to the allegation.

Why would MIL believe DIL over her own husband, if he has never shown any signs of dislike or making up stories before?

I would definitely say it was dementia if the OP came on here denying she said anything of the kind. Instead of saying she has no recollection, but it's not something she'd ever do. Can't recall either way etc.

Considering the amount of dislike you have for FIL, as that comes across in your posts, whether justifiable or not, I struggle to see how you think you are the most hospitable DIL he could ever find. Your annoyance must come over in your attitude towards him, even subconsciously.

I can tell if someone is being funny with me and doesn't like me even if they don't say it ..... and I'd just distance myself.

Bringing your own utensils is really bad, but my ex SIL would give my mum a saucepan and other utensil to cook her own food when she stayed with my brother and her ... because ex SIL couldn't cook what my mum liked. I'm sure she thinks she was hospitable, but my mum found it very rude, but didn't say anything to her.

You don't have to call him a liar. You simply say to him, and others, that he is mistaken. Because if he truly believes what he is saying, then that is exactly the case. And if he is deliberately lying then it enables him to save face.

And suggest discretely to your MiL that he gets a health check-up.

Do you come from a culture where it is considered very rude to call someone older than you a liar? I can understand why you feel awkward saying outright- you're lying. But. You must.

This is classic dementia and it can be so upsetting to be a part of the confusion. So often it can manifest itself in angry and confused ways, and unfortunately if it goes unidentified then the person suffering can become more isolated as people find them intolerable to be around.

Could your DH speak to his mother about the possibility that he is suffering from depression.

OK, now you've stated that you did NOT say it and it appears that your hesitation was because you didn't feel it right to call FiL a liar. Fine. You may not want to say he's a 'liar' in the normal course of his life, but in this instance he did lie. Whether he did it out of pure spite or a mental disorder, who knows?

Age 76 isn't too 'young' for dementia, nor does the fact that someone lives a physically active lifestyle mean a thing. My auntie started showing signs in her late 70s. They were subtle, but they were there. One of them was becoming a bit mean to her daughter. Not saying really horrible things, but just saying somewhat unkind things, something that wasn't in her nature. Now she's in her early 80s and is in care.

The tiptoeing around this isn't helping. If you can't/won't confront FiL about this lie, then your DH needs to. Leave MiL out of it, don't make her play 'go-between'. If my DS/DiL had a problem with my DH I wouldn't appreciate being put in the middle, I'd want them to sort it out themselves. DH needs to tell his father that he believes you 100% and that his father needs to apologize to you. If FiL sticks to his lie, your DH needs to tell him that he is not welcome in your home AND that he needs to see a doctor for a mental evaluation related to possible dementia.

Take away the cultural differences

But you can't take out culture when culture means absolutely spit spot respect for elders. Many cultures have this tradition.

Double that with older MAN/younger WOMAN and the chances of a perceived insult are very high.

I absolutely understand you not wanting to outright call him a liar, even in your head. You've probably had years of deference (even if you grumble on the quiet). As so often with cultures like this, it is not they who makes adjustments.

Sounds like it could well be a health issue eg urine infection, dementia etc.

However I agree with the pp that your family comes as a package. He sees you all or just his son. I wouldn't expose your children to a dynamic where you are castigated and shut out. Bad for the kids.

His behaviour make equally not be down to any form of ill health and that possibility has to be considered. Some people are rotten at heart regardless of how old they are and age does not mellow them.

Blimey, OP, you've had a bashing on here for no good reason. I completely understand your comments. You are being nice enough to say that perhaps you said something that he later construed this way rather than, 'He's a lying bastard.'

Possibly you wanted to wash the kitchen floor and asked him politely to sit in the sitting room or some such.

Back off and let MIL sort him out. Ignore his bad behaviour but I agree that if this sort of thought process is new a GP visit may be a good idea.

Thanks folks just out if work and back to my phone.
Dh has just sent this

Just got off the phone to mum. Her assessment is that my dad is being silly and he'll get over it. However I pointed out to her that the way that he's gone about this has REALLY Upset you and me..... She said she'll talk to dad and hopefully get back to me before sat. Seems she wasn't really aware of this.

If we do get chance to see them this weekend I will gently mention to mil that it is out of character for him to get so cross about nothing.

Sounds like your DH is dealing with it. I'd leave it to him.

W o w just had a call from Fil to apologise for his behaviour!!!!! Think for the first time in 45 years mil may have pulled him up on his behaviour!!!!!

They are now coming to stay for the weekend have never heard him so small and humble

Well that's a formidable result. I like the sound of your mil!

Feeling just as shocked tonight as last night but for much much better reasons phew!!!

Well, I'm glad he's apologised, but did he give any explanation?

Well done DH and MIL.

No reason given. I said to dh given that this is out of character he should perhaps be nudged to have an mot with the gp
Dh' response was that "mum said this is not a one off. It has never been family on the receiving end before but she was not surprised"

Do you not harbour any residual ill will that someone accused you of doing something very unpleasant and then tried to set you up to your DP? This has been a very strange run of events.

I too would be concerned about early onset dementia based on this event. But if it turned out your FIL did not have it in time, I would be giving him an extremely wide berth.

Glad he said sorry to you op. But what a strange situation. Also get mil to persuade fil to have his hearing checked in case it was just a case of very unfortunate mis hearing. I understand that the respect you have for your elders prevented you from accusing him of outright lying but I think you need to look after your feelings when it comes to future dealings with your fil. Like others have suggested try to avoid being alone with him. Good luck op!

Tread carefully OP while he's with you at the weekend. My late FIL had form for this, he was a controlling arse who liked to drop verbal bombs then sit back and watch the fall out.

So he confessed he made it up?

Thanks all.
I know it is going to be a tricky weekend. If it wasn't for dh's total support and taking control of the situation I think my emotions would be much harder.

Oh dear. From mil's comment that it's not the first time it sounds like this could be early stage dementia.
I think you now handle this rather differently to if he was just an arse. See if you can get mil alone and talk to her. Dont be angry, just say its out of character, it upset you and you're concerned. It's really important he sees his GP - while there are no cures for dementia, there are many different kinds and he will need assessment to see if there's any treatment possible. There are some treatments showing some promise in slowing Alzheimer's for example and if it's vascular dementia then he may need certain drugs. Early detection can mean families cope better and have care and support in place.
So sorry op. This is tough on you all. It may have been low level for years.