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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fallen out the the in laws. Well f I l to be precise. I feel sick. It is gorrid

131 replies

StrumpersPlunkett · 19/09/2016 22:34

I have no recollection of events but FIL called tonight to say that due to my spiteful and unkind behaviour he hasn't slept for a month and they will not be coming to stay ever again.
They will see the grandchildren and dh but he will no longer see me.

Now I have had issues with him but I suck it up and whinge on here or to friends. I am the most fucking hospitable daughter in law he could hope to find.

Dh is distraught but totally backing me to his dad saying that it sounds like he is talking about a different person but good lord FIL is sticking to his guns.

Dh is an only child we live his mum and dad no matter that they have frustrating habits and gave no idea how to get through this.

Any tips greatly recieved. Really don't want things to get worse. Only to heal and her better.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 06:40

"No recollection" might sound a bit fishy but be realistic: how many of us remember casual conversations from several weeks ago? I know I don't, and I am neither drunk nor suffering from a memory disorder. It may be as simple as nothing out of the ordinary happened so the OP doesn't particularly remember.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/09/2016 06:40

You either said it or didn't. You must know.

If you did say it it may not have been in the context or spirit he received it as but it makes a big difference if it was or wasn't said.

Lunar1 · 20/09/2016 06:41

I'd get yourself to the GP, your uncertainty is very worrying. Have you had other episodes like this?

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2016 06:42

Bizarre that even in this scenario, lots of posters are siding with the OP against the fil!

longdiling · 20/09/2016 06:43

Do you basically mean that you have said things like that to your in laws but can't remember if you actually said it on that occasion?!

Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 06:46

Well, I think the wording is a bit off, but the OP needs to clarify the matter. Hard to say who is in the wrong at the moment.

podmax · 20/09/2016 06:48

I can not tell you that I did not say it because I have no memory either way. All I can say is that it isn't something I would ever do or say

What a riddle Confused

Pagwatch · 20/09/2016 06:49

Trifle,

That doesn't stack up at all.
The op might not remember if she mentioned the weather or offered a cup of tea.
If someone said to me 'you know when your FIL came around. Did you tell him to get out and not come back?' The answer would be unequivocally 'no'

How the fuck does anyone, after a perfectly normal conversation with a relative, not know whether they told him to fuck off out of her kitchen?

OnionKnight · 20/09/2016 06:50

Yeah if I told my FIL to fuck off I'd remember.

Ditsy4 · 20/09/2016 06:53

My FIL did this to me once. I walked in to my home and he called me a " slut" I still don't know why. They were up on holiday staying elsewhere in the village and decided to come to our house unexpectedly. I stopped to get some biscuits at the shop and DH had taken them around in his car. Everything was fine and then I arrived to that comment. Obviously something had been said before I came back. The house wasn't perfectly tidy because we weren't expecting them and I had two small children but it was clean and reasonable. I went out into the garden after telling him he had no right to speak to me like that. I asked DH why he had said it but he either didn't know or wouldn't tell me. Mil was upset but I was furious and upset and told DH that i wouldn't be coming back inside and to get rid of them.
I am telling you this OP because this is what I did after that.
I made myself busy for the rest of their holiday and spent as little time as possible with them. I refused to stay at their house ever again. I refused to have them stay at our house. DH suggested it would be more comfortable for them to stay nearby in a holiday house. I was civil to him but never felt I could be myself in his company. I passed the phone to the children if he rang or to DH. I don 't to this day understand why he said it and it was never explained to me. DH says he doesn't remember the conversation whereas I do and it is about 35 years ago. It is the most vile thing anyone has ever said to me. DH was also an only child.

I would let him see the grandchildren with your DH as it is important for the children but don't let him see them without DH being present in case he says something about you to the children.
As others have said perhaps it is dementia. It also sounds a very strange thing to come out with. I'm not English either so perhaps neither of us were fully excepted. Let your DH go with the children and have a few hours to yourself and plan something lovely for you while they are out. Perhaps if DH spends time with him he will notice other things might be odd.
I'm sorry you have been hurt it is horrible as you have done your best but I would back off for now and see what happens. If you get on with MiL and she lives nearby then you could meet for coffee. If not don't bother with either for a while and let things settle after that just be polite and civil but guarded. It worked for me. After he died we supported mil and I sat with her when she was dying.

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/09/2016 06:53

Right for clarity
I respect my FIL and to say I didn't say it clearly says he is lying.
It was a month ago
It was in the morning no alcohol - the breakfast and subsequent morning they spent with us passed with no incident. I remember they were here. I do not remember every word that was uttered.

To the person that said I did it. You are right in that something that happened that morning has clearly caused upset to FIL. I am not unkind and spiteful and would not have done what he says.
do I know what I said that caused such offence and upset no idea I just know that it would not have been meant how he has He taken it.
I realise I sounded ambiguous. I do not believe I said it. But faced with a rage full FIL I clearly said something that upset him. Dementia never crossed my mind. Is this the sort of thing that happens?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 06:54

Pagwatch: She might just be one of those very careful people who words things with excessive caution, like, "I certainly don't remember saying anything like that (but I accept the possibility that I am in the midst of some inexplicable and highly unlikely mental crisis...so I'm not saying you're lying.)"

I would say, "Er, no, I didn't." But I'm not everyone and I have definitely met people who talk like the above.

Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 06:56

OP, you are trying to be careful in what you say but you are coming across as evasive, unfortunately. You are clearly worrying too much about saying anything negative about FIL. Just call him a lying shite and be done with it, if you are sure you didn't say anything like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2016 06:57

What does your DH makes of his father's outburst?.

Your relationship with these people already has a lot of problems in it, this is just one of many others. FIL has not himself explained exactly why his DIL has upset him, he has not told her at all what she is supposed to have said or done. He has just dropped a verbal bomb on her knowing it would cut to the chase.

Re your comment:-

"Do I love him bringing all his own food and utensils to the house because he doesn't like my cooking. No I hate it and think it is rude. Don't tell him that? No. Dh has each time they come repeated please don't bring anything dw and I have planned and will cater. He ignores us and we suck it up rather than cause a scene!"

Ah the old sucking it up/doormat behaviour does not work I am sorry to say. So is it ok for me then to bring my own stuff over to your house, of course not but you tolerated this from FIL all the same. What if you people had turned up with your own kitchen stuff in their house, they would not have liked it at all would they?. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are actually no different.

You seem nice and reasonable, unfortunately you are dealing with a person who is not and has likely never been reasonable. Therefore you are tying yourself up in knots unnecessarily. He knows exactly what he has said to you and it was designed to hurt you. I would also keep the children away from someone like him as well.

You state yourself that FIL has no health issues and I doubt very much that there is anything wrong with him physically at all. I can just imagine how suggesting that he visits the GP would go, and no it would not go at all well.

You have no recollection of doing this simply because you did not do anything to upset him, its all in FILs head and this is a further example of his own nasty persona.

You people need nice and healthy role models to be around, not ones like his FIL who has thrown a spiteful hissy fit to get you into line.

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/09/2016 06:58

I didn't say it.
There.
But something has really upset him.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/09/2016 06:59

do I know what I said that caused such offence and upset no idea I just know that it would not have been meant how he has He taken it.

In other words you could have said it.

I realise I sounded ambiguous.

You aren't kidding.

Pagwatch · 20/09/2016 06:59

I really really want to be with you on this Trifle Smile

I just don't see it as helpful. I would know that I had not said anything that could be interpreted as 'get out'.
Saying 'oh I'm not sure' clouds the issue imho.

I think it would be more productive to be emphatic that no, op did not say anything remotely like that, and would not because there were no circumstances where she would want her FIL to get out.

Its one thing to say 'I'm incredibly sorry you are upset but we need to talk because there is no way I would even contemplate saying that to you'
It's another to say 'well I'm not sure'

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/09/2016 06:59

I didn't say it.

Well that was a quick sudden recall Hmm

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/09/2016 07:00

Dh is being fab. He is totally on board about trying to find out what the problem actually is as this clearly isn't it.

OP posts:
StrumpersPlunkett · 20/09/2016 07:03

Piglet I have tried explaining.
I have been trying to avoid calling FIL a liar but I am being pushed to be unambiguous
I didn't say it. Mi didn't run across the kitchen after waiting for mil to leave any more than I left the house to go for a 5 mile run because it just isn't me.
However as I said. Something has clearly upset him

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 07:03

Oh I agree, Pagwatch. I am emphatic myself and I definitely think that is the only way to go in this case.

OP, stop trying to work out what has upset your FIL. It is his responsibility to communicate that to you (and truthfully). As hard as it is to accept, some people are shit stirrers. Some are confused. He needs to grow up and speak to you like an adult. Just tell your DH that of course you didn't say it, but if FIL wants to explain what he thinks you did say, he knows where you are. Then stop worrying.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 07:04

He sounds like s complete drama queen. Hasn't slept in a month? If that's true, he's got a sleep disorder. Or memory problems, which would account for his rudeness.

Perhaps you did say some thing, which upset him, but really? No contact when they are rude and don't respect your boundaries.

Ditsy4 has got it right, I think. As long as the Pil are respectful to your kids and supervised by dh.

Pagwatch · 20/09/2016 07:10

X-posted
Ahh, I think your desire not to call your FIL a liar was understandable but hasn't helped.

You need to keep saying 'there must be some confusion because I simply did not say it or anything like it'
That's not calling him a liar.

It sounds like a nightmare. I know you said they can be irritating but is this changed behaviour for him?

MagikarpetRide · 20/09/2016 07:14

My old neighbour had form for this. She took randomly against people and made up really batshit things. I wondered for a while if my dh really was doing stuff although I knew it wasn't like him, until her other neighbour told us we were the 5th set of neighbours at least she's done this with. Family backed her every time, never questioned it. Long story short, she had a brain tumour and died a few years back. Family have told other neighbours they now know her rants were a symptom, not that they've had the guts to apologise to us for their behaviour.

Basically if this incident hasn't happened, then stop focusing on what he's said or how upset he is and start focussing on his health. Tbf at that age a uti sometimes sent my otherwise healthy gm batty.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/09/2016 07:18

Piglet I have tried explaining

You have gone from saying you may or may not have said it to you definitely didn't in less than 5 minutes.

You or DH do need to speak to him about it.

Maybe you did say it, maybe you didn't. You can't really remember. Maybe he can.