Fallen out the the in laws. Well f I l to be precise. I feel sick. It is gorrid

[StrumpersPlunkett]

I have no recollection of events but FIL called tonight to say that due to my spiteful and unkind behaviour he hasn't slept for a month and they will not be coming to stay ever again.
They will see the grandchildren and dh but he will no longer see me.

Now I have had issues with him but I suck it up and whinge on here or to friends. I am the most fucking hospitable daughter in law he could hope to find.

Dh is distraught but totally backing me to his dad saying that it sounds like he is talking about a different person but good lord FIL is sticking to his guns.

Dh is an only child we live his mum and dad no matter that they have frustrating habits and gave no idea how to get through this.

Any tips greatly recieved. Really don't want things to get worse. Only to heal and her better.

"Basically if this incident hasn't happened, then stop focusing on what he's said or how upset he is and start focussing on his health".

That is his responsibility though, not the OPs or her DHs for that matter. You are right; OP should stop focusing on what he said (because he has not at all stated what it is she has done to upset him). He has simply given her the result of her supposed transgression.

I would also think that they suggesting he goes and visits his GP will go down like a lead balloon as well. They should all stay away from him, why should DH as well take his children around there without their mother at all present?. It sends the children mixed messages for a start. He has manufactured this for his own ends.

I think you or DH need to talk to MIL without FIL being around. I suspect dementia or similar too, and possibly a vivid dream about you doing something like that.
He does need a medical check up.

What has MIL been saying during all of this?

We haven't had chance to talk to mil except we were talking to her all week about them coming to stay for the weekend she was talking like iit was all going with no hint I a problem we knew nothing till 8pm last night when FIL called.
Dh is going to try to talk to mil today.

This thread is like a game of cluedo.
If it's this difficult to fathom what on earth happened on a thread on the internet, dealing with you in RL must me almost impossible.

atilla I didn't say she should go in there all guns blazing accusing the fil of being off his rocker. The ops focus at the moment is on what he's said, trying not to upset him and working out what she did. She needs to swing that focus round. No it's not up to her to solve it but she would be more helpful raising a potential health issue with her dh than trying to avoid suggesting fil is lying.

Well I understand her perfectly well.

But something has really upset him.

What has upset him?

You were there. What were the events of that morning as you recall them?

We haven't had chance to talk to mil except we were talking to her all week

So you have had a chance to talk to MIL?

From the little I can glean from your posts, it sounds like he's an arse (bringing his own food and cutlery to your house ffs), and you have kept schtum about it for years although you are annoyed.

Now what I'm theorising may have happened (since we have no factual info from you yet), is that there was an exchange between the two of you in your kitchen, where you expressed some of that annoyance in some fashion (perhaps something as innocuous as "FIL can I work in my kitchen in peace please"?), and since he's a self-absorbed and cantankerous old arsehole, he has taken offence at your presumption to show even the remotest displeasure with him, and is now making a family drama out of it.

Is this the kind of scenario that played out?

What if he does not have any health issues at all and this was simply made up on his part to upset the OP?. Someone who also travels a lot at his age is unlikely to have a lot of serious health problems.

He seems to have been difficult for a long time (turning up at OPs house with their own kitchen stuff for instance), this latest incident I would argue is yet a further manifestation of his own inherent difficult persona.

He has not stated why he is upset with the OP, just the consequences of being upset with OP.

If you can't remember being offensive and you are a decent person then you didn't say anything offensive, stop trying to blame yourself. Stand firm, you haven't done anything wrong.

I think it is very loyal of you not to want to call FIL a lier even on an anonymous Internet forum! If this is very out of character for him then it does sound like it could be the onset of dementia or another medical problem. However what you've said about him bringing his own kitchen stuff round makes him sound like he was odd to begin with. Good ouch its trying to get to the bottom of it! Sorry that's not much help, but don't feel bad, you have done nothing wrong and whatever the reason, don't let him make you feel like you have. Glad you have your DH's support X

Your DH needs to ask your mil if she is concerned about his behaviour. This could be dementia, an undiagnosed urinary tract infection (you wouldn't believe this causes such strange behaviour but it does) or a brain tumour.

Make sure he says you definitely haven't said anything like what he accuses you of. I can understand you doubting yourself wondering what on earth you've said to make him think that. But be clear when you talk to mil.

Good ouch it's = good luck in

You can't reason with unreasonable people. You can tolerate them but it sounds like he get fed up of you tolerating him!!!!

"No don't sit in the kitchen whilst I'm doing I'll bring your cup of tea to you in the lounge"

That sort of comment could be twisted into "get out of my kitchen" by some of my late batshit relatives. I suspect the OPs reluctance to say it never happened might stem from some exchange similar.

Hopefully your MIL can shed some light .....if he has been stewing over this for a month and losing sleep she must know something.

I'm sorry but your lack of recall suggests you may be the one with dementia. Early dementia. There's no way on earth my FIL could say that and I just say I can't recall it.

You don't want to call him a liar, but by not straight out saying you never said it, it looks like you are the liar.

Then you say you must have said something to upset him ... you either did or didn't. I think it's rather telling that it happened in the kitchen where he brings his utensils and he doesn't like your cooking too.

It doesn't add up.

Take away the cultural differences
Take away him bringing his utensils

It comes down to the conversation you had or didn't have with him.

Is there any chance that a language difference could have caused him to say this? Maybe a literal translation in one language means something else in another language.

You running over to sit really close and then say 'get out of my kitchen' actually sounds to me like a dream misremembered as reality, particularly if it happened after they'd left rather than at the time?

I sometimes have dreams so vivid that it takes me quite a while to work out whether the event was real or not - maybe he's just lost that ability. I agree that gentle questioning of MIL might be in order as to whether he's displaying aspects in his day-to-day life of misremembering and general impairment. It won't necessarily help (because he will firmly remember this as being fact), but it might help in future situations.

Just chatted to my sister who is close to all of us. She has been fab suggesting we should let it sit and wait.
He has been an arse and now hopefully with hindsight and a chat with mil he will realise.

We have not spoken to mil since fils outburst as it was at 8 last night. We had been talking to her all week planning the visit with her. She clearly had no thoughts that there was a problem!

It's OK to call your FIL a liar, or confused, if it's actually true. You know you didn't say anything upsetting, you are perfectly entitled to stick up for yourself.

Are you from a culture that prohibits women from calling out bad behaviour in male relatives? That demands respect of older generations regardless of what they might do or say? That's how it comes across to me.

Really glad to hear you have dh on your side. Hopefully MIL can shed some light on whether he's becoming unwell or is just being a massive wanker.

Stick up for yourself, tell the truth even if it's uncomfortable, otherwise people are going to think he may have a point.

If relations with MIL have been fine ever since your visit and nothing has been mentioned till last night, it does sound as if the incident didn't happen. If FIL was so upset that he hasn't slept for a month, he would have been particularly upset immediately after the visit and surely your MIL would have heard all about it. So your DH does need a full and frank conversation with her about FIL's memory.

This is really odd.

Firstly, I find your behaviour odd. You first say that you have 'no memory either way', then that you definitely didn't say it. Which is it, because you have changed your story. I can understand you not wanting to say in front of FIL that you think he's not telling the truth, but why come on an anonymous internet forum and say you can't remember if you did it or not? The far more natural thing to say would be 'FIL has made up a story about me and I don't know how to handle it?' There is something that smells of gaslighting about this that I don't like, especially with an old man in question where there will naturally be doubts about things like dementia. I just don't like the feel of this at all.

That said, IF you are telling the truth and he did make this whole incident up, then you need to speak to members of the family, in particular your MIL, DH and SIL, because this would be the kind of incident that would raise serious concerns about his mental health, and require medical follow-up. Building a team to spot any other unusual behaviours may be important.

Like another poster mentioned I think your DH really needs to talk to his Mum alone and the sooner the better it could well be down to a issue with your FIL's health.

A neighbour of ours was around the same age as your FIL and her memory and behaviour went down hill really quickly a couple of times because of a urine infection of all things,she spent a few days in hospital each time and had treatment and she was fine afterwards.

You asked about if this can happen with dementia,it does not in all cases but in alot it is one of the first things that other's notice about they're family member is a change in personality and behaviour.
My first MIL had alzheimers and we could see the difference in the way she was with other people and my poor old Dad has dementia and parts of his personaility have changed.

I hope it's not anything serious with your FIL and I hope things get back on track for you all.

Op, you seem to be giving your FIL far more loyalty the he deserves.

You perhaps made some innocuous comment & he has brooded & brooded on it & come up with this.

It's the sort of thing my MIL would do.

As a rule she & her late sister used to phone each other say at 7 on Sun. One time her sister wasn't in & MIL took offense & wouldn't speak to her for ages!

HAving read the updates I cant help thinking that FIL doesnt want to come and stay, never liked visiting and has now lied convinced himself that you have mortally offended him so that he doesnt have to come and see you.

DH needs to speak to MIL and make it clear that FIL has offended you with his lies and it needs to stop now. That somehow they have to get to the bottom of his outburst and that neither of you will tolerate his behaviour, but that MIL is still welcome.