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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Made to feel Fat by DP

145 replies

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 12:55

I've been with DP for 2 years, when I met him I was probably 2 stone lighter than I am now but massively underweight as I'd been through a very stressful time. I've slowed gained weight am at now a healthy ish weight for me.
DP has made no secrets of the fact that he likes slim women (but also agreed I was too thin before) and that he wouldn't want me to get "too big" I was offended, as I thought he loved me enough to accept me whatever size I am.
Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!
This morning he got the scales out to weigh himself and suggested that I might like to jump on! I got arsey and refused.
I guess my point is, is he being an arse to point this out and should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??
Buckling myself in for the replies!!

OP posts:

SabineUndine · 19/09/2016 19:55

KittyWindbag that's so sweet. And exactly as it should be. I wouldn't settle for less.

Onlyonce · 19/09/2016 21:37

Helena

We aren't married.

I am glad your leg improved.

I'm currently waiting for a scan. Not sure how long it will be

Onlyonce · 19/09/2016 21:39

Tbh I try not to let what he says bother me but sometimes it's hard and incredibly lonely. However it is my choice to stay.

HelenaDove · 20/09/2016 00:02

Sorry OnlyOnce My point still stands though I bet if he were to get sick he would expect a bloody sight more than what hes prepared to give to you.

You sound lovely and you deserve better

ptumbi · 20/09/2016 07:22

It is your choice, Onlyonce. I don't understand it, and i hope you do eventually leave and live a calmer peaceful life full of love and respect.

I once read something along the lines of - if he is NOT utterly grateful to be in your life, in your bed and in your heart, then get rid. It's not worth being miserable just so you can be in a relationship with someone/anyone.

Onlyonce · 20/09/2016 22:44

Quote of the day from dp. This was said during sex 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. Wtf does he think will happen to a six pack if I got pregnant. I give up. I'm so used to this now it didn't even hurt this time

sentia · 20/09/2016 22:49

Onlyonce, don't minimise it. Be hurt. Get angry. That's a really awful thing for him to say to you, not to mention disturbing (who uses a baby as a bargaining chip, that's a human life he's talking about).

Onlyonce · 20/09/2016 23:07

Feels rather strange tbh. Normally upsets me but not this time. Still makes me wonder though how he would react to my body changing after another child. His family are all naturally very thin.

HelenaDove · 20/09/2016 23:33

Oh good God Onlyonce. This man is an abuser. He said this to you during sex and he expects you to be confident and feel sexy enough to want sex in the first place.............oh wait he sees you as an object. Ugh. What a cunt.

Im going to guess here that he also dosnt bother about your orgasm

either, because i bet thats all about him too. Fucking abusive knob.

HelenaDove · 20/09/2016 23:37

The reason you wernt as upset this time is because your brain is partly blocking you from it to protect you mentally and emotionally.

You have also quite possibly reached the stage where you feel indifference towards him and his shitty misogynistic comments.

ptumbi · 21/09/2016 07:41

Onlyonce - you are protecting yourself by not really thinking about what he is saying. OK, he's putting you down - why?

Ignore the words. What is he saying? He dislikes your body, but thinks it's OK for sex, and maybe for his child. He says and does horrible things to you, because he can. Becasuse he wants to . Because he has no respect for you, no love. You are convenient to him for food, sex, cleaning. You put up with his 'ways' - why?

I really hope htis thread has opened your eyes. You say people say in a relationship for lots of reasons - NONE is enough to put up with a life like that! What are your 'reasons'? Let us help you find a way through.

Onlyonce · 21/09/2016 09:12

I can understand you all getting frustrated with me. After all I have been trying to help op see what she might be facing while being a hypocrite myself and staying in this situation. Fact is though I'm not prepared to leave.

In some ways I feel sad for him. He had a partner who adored him where now he has a companion really. I can find ways to deal with my own loneliness, and fill that gap while I am with him. But as I say the way I once felt has gone because I can't trust him to have any respect for me

nocampinghere · 21/09/2016 10:13

onlyonce why are you not prepared to leave?

Onlyonce · 21/09/2016 10:22

Because I still care about him. Because in many other ways he is a good person. And I know lots of you will say that can't be the case because of the comments he makes but he can be helpful and supportive when he chooses albeit on a practical level not an emotional one. Because I cannot support myself and dd financially even though I work Ft (low paid admin). Also I do want another baby at some point. I like the life we have built together. My relationship with my parents is far from perfect and I will not put myself in a position where I need to rely on them. Ever again.

Thefitfatty · 21/09/2016 10:23

'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'.

WTF?? Your DP is an idiot! Not only for the horrible abusive things he says to you, but because he's obviously also as dumber than a bag of hammers (which is what you may want to belt him with). Not everyone can get a 6 pack, especially women. It's usually the result of incredibly low body fat, not actual built muscle. Chances are (for many women) if you were actually able to get a six pack, you wouldn't be able to get pregnant anyway because your body weight would be too low!

What an idiot!!!!

BabyGanoush · 21/09/2016 21:28

What a sad ugly man

HelenaDove · 21/09/2016 21:41

The six pack thing has just been mentioned on the "DH wants me to go to the gym" thread.

there are a lot of abusive body shaming thick bastards about.

Thefitfatty · 22/09/2016 07:05

Haven't seen that thread Helena. Grrrr though

Fitspiration has a lot to answer for. Why do you we always have to take things to extremes.

Glastokitty · 22/09/2016 07:22

Bloody hell, if my husband said to me I could have another baby if I got a six pack, I would make bloody sure he never ever got to sleep with me again! Who the actual fuck does he think he is? I hope he is some kind of multi millionaire Adonis with a huge golden cock, because otherwise, I can't see any redeeming features that would outweigh him being such a nasty horrible fuckwit.

sentia · 22/09/2016 08:11

I decided part way into my dating career that the criteria I would use for whether to stay or go was whether I was happy or not. Not 150% delighted every day obviously, but content and not made to feel deliberately undermined or sad by my partner. It works quite well - you can't change other people but you can certainly change yourself. And no one cares more about my happiness than I do, which is how the world works, so it's up to me to defend my happiness.

On that basis, if DH ever body-shamed me or expected me to miraculously look 25 for the rest of my life, he would get very short shrift. It's not reasonable, it's not supportive, and it's not acceptable.

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