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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Made to feel Fat by DP

145 replies

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 12:55

I've been with DP for 2 years, when I met him I was probably 2 stone lighter than I am now but massively underweight as I'd been through a very stressful time. I've slowed gained weight am at now a healthy ish weight for me.
DP has made no secrets of the fact that he likes slim women (but also agreed I was too thin before) and that he wouldn't want me to get "too big" I was offended, as I thought he loved me enough to accept me whatever size I am.
Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!
This morning he got the scales out to weigh himself and suggested that I might like to jump on! I got arsey and refused.
I guess my point is, is he being an arse to point this out and should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??
Buckling myself in for the replies!!

OP posts:

User7104 · 15/09/2016 17:03

My ex did this.

The first time I told him not to as it was hurtful

The second time I dumped him and despite him crying like a baby that was that. His loss!
Don't waste your life with someone who is so superficial because it will ruin you

BabyGanoush · 15/09/2016 17:16

I always think it is odd when grown up men blather on about their "type" and that ghis "ideal type" is all about body size

OP, I wonder about your dp's porn habits, as in pornland everyone gets to choose the "type" of women they lije to see raped/f*cked (skinny bitch, teenage slut, milf and all those lovely categories. I know this because I googled "skinny teenager" as my DS was underweight and I was looking for advice". Btw, don't google "skinny teenagers"!)

SoHairyAndForeverSpartacus · 15/09/2016 18:48

TheLastHeatwave I agree, I wasn't trying to offer excuses or to say that his behaviour is okay. It's just a correlation I've noticed before and it fits with everything I've researched about porn. Which is why I no longer consider men who use porn to be worthy of having sexual relationships with.

I was asking because if he does use porn, it's likely that this attitude of his will never change.

OP, is there anyone in RL you can talk to about this? Sorry if that's already been covered.

SoHairyAndForeverSpartacus · 15/09/2016 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onlyonce · 15/09/2016 19:11

Wow I really thought it was just my dp that had this attitude. It's always weight comments, e.g that dress gives you a pot belly. He would have sex with me more often if I was more toned. I have been called tubby, thunder thighs and blamonge belly before. I'm a size 12. Not skinny which I think is the issue as all his family are. I exercise at home. Can't stand it if he comes in the room when i am doing a DVD as he constantly picks at my technique. He knows I struggled with my body when I was pregnant. Sorry I am ranting again and this isn't my thread. I hope you are okay op

Onlyonce · 15/09/2016 19:13

Comments on my eating as well. Not helpful but that's how he is

expatinscotland · 15/09/2016 19:27

'Not helpful but that's how he is'

You don't have to live like that, you know.

Original poster

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 20:14

Onlyonce my OH isn't like that, he'll tell me I look lovely, compliment me on an outfit, hair etc
I really feel for you
Other than this yesterday he has never made me feel anything less than loved, I do feel like I need to try & make him understand how much his comment upsets me I guess his reaction will make my decision for me. I refuse to be with someone who makes me feel shite
To answer the question about porn, no I don't think he "uses" it we've talked about porn in the past & he didn't seem to have a view either way about it tbh

OP posts:

Bigfatnope · 15/09/2016 20:16

Controlling manipulative behaviour, please end it before it grows into much more....which it will

Onlyonce · 15/09/2016 20:21

I'm glad he compliments you. My dp doesn't do that. Hopefully you can get your feelings across and he can change for the better. If not I think it's good you will have seen what he is really like before moving in together or anything else

Improvisingnow · 15/09/2016 20:29

This was my exH. I was a slim size 10 and he used to prod me and comment on my tummy, tell me that he was ashamed to take me out.

I ended up with an eating disorder - ironically binge eating disorder which left me fatter than ever - largely I think because I did not feel able to show how angry I was with him (and myself) any other way.

Glad to say he's an ex now.

FinallyHere · 15/09/2016 20:31

its just his inability to sensor what comes out of his mouth with me

FinallyHere · 15/09/2016 20:34

(Sorry, posted too soon)

It really is that he can't censor what comes out if his mouth, its that he really, honestly and truly prefers you slimmer, possibly underweight. He is telling you this, please listen. Its not about a momentary slip, or one small flaw. He says that he is 'only joking' because he doesn't want an argument about it.

Once you accept that, then you can decide what you want to do about it.

FinallyHere · 15/09/2016 20:34

It really isn't ...

BabyGanoush · 15/09/2016 20:47

Onlyonce, you partner sounds awful

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 15/09/2016 20:55

If you were underweight before then it's highly unlikely that you are fat now, unless you are 4 foot ten.

But the simple fact is that he is attracted to very slim women and unattracted to slightly plump ones. Its not about right or wrong, it's about being honest about how you feel. It's easy for us say that he's shallow,image obsessed, he's wrong and being a controlling wanker, but you like what you like and you can't help what you are turned off by.

In the end it's up to you to decide whether you care more about what he thinks or more about your right to be exactly who you are, whatever your current shape or size, without having pressure put on you to change.

Original poster

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 21:22

Thanks leavemywingsbehindme i am absolutely hearing what people are saying I just wonder if he feels like he's been "duped" (really not trying to defend him here!) ie he met me looking one way & 2 years later I look very different. I am 5ft8" and around 8st7lb when I met him I'm now just over 10&1/2 stone.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 21:22

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 15/09/2016 21:24

Onlyonce your partner is a fuckwit.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/09/2016 21:35

10&1/2 at 5'8" is (assuming a bit of muscle) is trim!

HelenaDove · 15/09/2016 21:57

LeaveMyWings If thats the case then he has the option to leave if he decides the OPs body isnt "to his taste"

Im a size 14 and like a PP earlier my belly overhang is from weight loss.

Im a curvy hourglass but older men dont seem to have a problem with this. Luckily i prefer older men . Maybe its because they havent grown up looking at internet porn though.

I like a bloke who looks a bit "lived in" like he has fun. So i would never moan just cos a guy has a slight paunch.

RepentAtLeisure · 15/09/2016 21:59

its just his inability to sensor what comes out of his mouth with me

And is he like that with everyone, or just you? Because if he manages to be diplomatic when speaking to his boss or his sister in law, then he's being a twat to you for a reason.

There is a disturbingly popular movement online that instructs men on how to smash their partner's self-esteem to bits so that they will never have the confidence to leave.

Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!

Suggested answer - "The size of my stomach doesn't upset me. You upset me. So what do you suggest I do about you?"

I know what I'd suggest you do. The old adage about instantly losing '13 useless stone of man' springs to mind...

Onlyonce · 15/09/2016 22:01

I think if you talk to him you will see his true colours one way or the other. Nobody on here can tell you what you should do. But whatever you decide, you should be proud you have recovered from your eating problems and be proud of yourself for having learned how to love, accept and care for your own body.

Original poster

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 22:06

Repentatleisure yup he's like it with everyone ... I've told him before that he has honesty Tourette's it's like he can't actually help himself!
Thanks Onlyonce **

OP posts:

sentia · 15/09/2016 22:13

It's not honesty Tourette's, it's straight tactlessness and lack of empathy. My father is exactly the same, he thinks he can comment in a cruel manner on people's appearance etc and if they object it's always a "joke". It will grind you down until you completely doubt yourself and prime you as a target for bullies.

I wouldn't put up with it, if I were you. Draw a really really firm line and don't let him do it.

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