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Original poster

Made to feel Fat by DP

145 replies

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 12:55

I've been with DP for 2 years, when I met him I was probably 2 stone lighter than I am now but massively underweight as I'd been through a very stressful time. I've slowed gained weight am at now a healthy ish weight for me.
DP has made no secrets of the fact that he likes slim women (but also agreed I was too thin before) and that he wouldn't want me to get "too big" I was offended, as I thought he loved me enough to accept me whatever size I am.
Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!
This morning he got the scales out to weigh himself and suggested that I might like to jump on! I got arsey and refused.
I guess my point is, is he being an arse to point this out and should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??
Buckling myself in for the replies!!

OP posts:
Onlyonce · 15/09/2016 13:45

I've been with Dp 8 years. It took 8 months for us to be intimate after our dd was born because he didn't like my stomach. Please don't let this be your future. He needs to know how bad what he is doing is.

nocampinghere · 15/09/2016 13:46

if he's just a boyfriend bin him

what will he be like when you're pregnant / post pregnant

natually put on weight as you get older - look around 90% do!

run for the hills.

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 13:48

I know Imperial :-( I think in his head if I had a problem with it then he would do something about it, by drawing attention to mine (which really isn't that bad & I have had 3 kids) I think he almost feels like he's doing me a favour!
i know that I have put weight on I really don't need it pointing out

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/09/2016 13:48

Oh yes, if you're not living with him, just dump him. He's showing you his true colours now.

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 13:50

No chance of having kids with him - nocampinghere we are older with him being a fair bit older than me!

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 15/09/2016 13:51

It would have to be a spectacular case of inability to think if he carries on going on about it when you have told him it upsets you. The nonsense with the scales sounds 100% deliberate to me.

I hate the "only teasing" thing. My mother used to tell me over and over again that that was all that my older brother was doing to me. With all the benefits of hindsight I now realise it was not teasing, it was bullying. And that's what "only teasing" virtually always is unless it stops as soon as you ask for it to stop.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 13:55

Why not just dump him?.

You must get something out of this relationship otherwise what is the point of you being together? What has kept you with this man until now?

PickAChew · 15/09/2016 13:58

You can do something about it. You can tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck &c...

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2016 13:58

That poor man who can't help saying things without thinking.

Does he tell his boss to fuck off and his bank manager he's a fat, greedy bastard? No? So actually he's perfectly in control of what comes out of his mouth.

He is, in fact, unpleasant and knows precisely where your Achilles heel is. That's not nice at all. If he doesn't apologise in a properly mortified manner he's even worse. Odds are he will continue to minimise and self justify.

You see? You're fat, paranoid and deluded. Hmm

ShotsFired · 15/09/2016 14:01

OMG RainbowDashstolemyidentity this breaks my heart.

Let me tell you about a convo I just had with my (slim and very fit) bf, as to how it could have been (should have been) for you.

For ref, I am very overweight, obese, covered in stretchmarks and flabby flab everywhere. I had taken a look at my naked bod in the mirror the other day and it was revolting.

Anyway, earlier this week I was dozing off to sleep and he was being all sexytimes with me, grabbing my flab and kissing me all over etc, and basically making no secret of the fact he wanted me.

The following night I said that I'd done the mirror thing and basically, how could he find me attractive when it was so horrid. He couldn't explain it beyond saying that he loved me, everything about me and that all my fat stomach and huge arse etc, he just didn't "see". He just finds me sexy and I am the shape I am and that's that. He knows I am trying to lose weight and that's fine too.

Your OH is a shit. A cruel and superficial shit. Has he got pecs and abs like a bodybuilder, hair like a horse's mane, dick like a porn star? No. So he's not exactly your all-singing all-dancing Adonis is he? Who the fuck is he to criticise a (undoubtedly) perfectly lovely and normal-sized woman because she doesn't look like an airbrushed model in a magazine?

I agree with the pp who said there was a really easy way to lose ~12 stone... What is that MN phrase about fucking off to the far side of fuck?

Lorelei76 · 15/09/2016 14:03

I think his comments are appalling
the "only teasing" thing is always rubbish when it's a personal remark.

however, I'm not just concerned by the comment. the fact that he is saying this when you are a healthy weight suggests to me he's fine to have a partner who isn't healthy as long as they fit his ideal. That doesn't sound like someone who is good to have in your life I'm afraid. Sorry Flowers

TheLittleRedHen · 15/09/2016 14:03

Your DP is an arse. Tell him to go fuck himself and either be happy on your own or find someone that's not such an arse. It's a huge achievement to have gained weight to now be healthy and happy - you need someone that will acknowledge and support that Flowers

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 14:04

Attila - in every other way he is kind, we have fun together, our kids get on well and the last 2 years have been great its just his inability to sensor what comes out of his mouth with me
You're right Matilda I'm sure then he can hold his tongue (although he is quite out spoken)

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 15/09/2016 14:09

Do you know what, I've had this in the past and although I don't know what the "right" way to respond is, I've hit upon a very effective one! I basically completely lose my shit about it.

Let me clarify, I don't go off in a personal way, not like "you've really upset me, this is how you've made me feel" sort of thing, more general feminist/modern woman sort of shut-down; i.e. "this is a completely unacceptable thing to say to a woman, even to joke about. Don't you know how hard society presses women on this, how damaging it can be to self-esteem - how many problems exist in the world because men society feels it has a right to pass comment on a woman's body, how it's denigrating to a woman's choices, you have no right to make these comments to anyone, let alone your partner", rah-de-rah. Basically a complete and total sense of humour failure on the issue means the "joke" is rarely repeated.

In the long run it's certainly beneficial that one's partner would feel like they could talk to you openly about your weight or some other aspect of your appearance - and there are other times when you can make it clear that this is still okay in the context of an honest discussion - but I think it's importantly they understand how entirely inappropriate and potentially damaging this kind of comment is. Your body is not a subject for casual comment or "joking" or "teasing". That is not okay. I repeat with extreme, unwavering vehemence, NOT OKAY.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 14:09

Attila - in every other way he is kind, we have fun together, our kids get on well and the last 2 years have been great its just his inability to sensor what comes out of his mouth with me"

The second part of this sentence cancels out completely any of the "good" points he has. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and he is using your weight against you. Its not at all acceptable.

I would also think he says such unkind things to you and you alone so why is that?. Its because he can, he hates you really. That makes me also think that this man actually hates women, all of them.

43percentburnt · 15/09/2016 14:09

Of course he can hold his tongue, when he chooses to.

Only joking is used to get you to accept his comments. Wait for 'you are too sensitive'.

You say he is over weight. Sounds similar to my friends ex - started off with a little dig at her tummy (she was stunning and a size 8/10) he continued with his 'banter' and 'little jokes' until she was admitted to hospital due to her low BMI. He was an arsehole too.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/09/2016 14:10

The comment that would put the tin hat on it is the "I was only teasing" thing.

Trying to make it your silly fault for being offended. Not his fault for offending you with his arseholian comments.

Minimise your feelings. Make you doubt yourself for your perfectly legitimate reaction.

He sounds vile.

And the PP who said he can control his mouth then he wants to is right. He just doesn't care enough about your feelings to bother

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 14:10

Thanks shotsfired your post really hit a nerve. Your OH sounds lovely :-) mine is a tactless shite.
Thanks for the comments/advice Lorelei and RedHen

OP posts:
Seeyouontheotherside · 15/09/2016 14:19

Why are you staying with a man who is telling you that you are not attractive to him? I can understand him telling you, he's hoping you'll lose weight and be attractive to him again but if you're not interested in doing that then you need to find someone who loves you and is attracted to you just the way you are.

We all have our own individual turn offs, however ridiculous they may seem to others that don't share them. His is his like of skinny and lack of attraction to anything not. That's not going to change.

You have three choices; continue to allow him bash your self esteem, lose weight for him or lose him.

expatinscotland · 15/09/2016 14:33

What a total arse.

'should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??'

No, dear, he's not doing you a favour by being with you. He's a gaslighting prick.

Assam · 15/09/2016 14:35

Next time he gets the scales and suggests you might like to jump on, open the window and suggest he might like to jump out
Bahahahahahaha!!

expatinscotland · 15/09/2016 14:38

'We don't live together so will have the talk at the w/e he needs to know how hurtful his comments are!'

Just get rid. He will never change. He's an insidious bully.

'I've thought a lot about all your comments about my weight, prodding me, suggesting I jump on a scale, then telling me it's all a joke when I tell you how much it all upsets me. I don't have to accept that and so I've decided not to. We need to go our separate ways and end this.'

MephistoMarley · 15/09/2016 14:45

You say that the problem is his inability to censor what comes out of his mouth but that's bullshit. Firstly, he shouldn't be thinking that shit in the first place. He has no right to tel you to lose weight and it shouldn't even occur to him that he does. Secondly, of course he can censor what comes out of his mouth. Does he go around telling his boss, colleagues, mum that they are fat, or anything else offensive? I'm sure not. So why would he have trouble censoring himself with you? He chooses to say those things. He wants you to feel bad.

whattodowiththepoo · 15/09/2016 14:46

If he does something that is a deal breaker for you, give him the chance to change and if he doesn't end the relationship.
Sounds like you have told him how it makes you feel, end it.

GloriaGaynor · 15/09/2016 14:49

So you thought he was with you for you and it turns out he's with you for figure. It's better that you find this out sooner rather than later no?