Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made to feel Fat by DP

145 replies

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 12:55

I've been with DP for 2 years, when I met him I was probably 2 stone lighter than I am now but massively underweight as I'd been through a very stressful time. I've slowed gained weight am at now a healthy ish weight for me.
DP has made no secrets of the fact that he likes slim women (but also agreed I was too thin before) and that he wouldn't want me to get "too big" I was offended, as I thought he loved me enough to accept me whatever size I am.
Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!
This morning he got the scales out to weigh himself and suggested that I might like to jump on! I got arsey and refused.
I guess my point is, is he being an arse to point this out and should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??
Buckling myself in for the replies!!

OP posts:
BumbleNova · 15/09/2016 14:52

OP - he knows exactly what he is doing. he know you have issues with your body and he is using them against you. its just horrible. this man should be your support and adore you - as you are. i'm shocked he would even consider saying anything so vile.

I also have really bad body image/ weight issues and I am chubbier than I'd like atm. my DP knows I am struggling and regularly tells me how beautiful i am and how much he fancies me. he picks me up when I am low, he doesnt kick me when I down.

this man is so cruel to make you feel terrible about your weight.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2016 14:55

Who does he think he is to poke you in the tummy and make comments? Unless he's completely thick he knows that you have had some struggles with your weight and really, this should be a no-go area for his critique, it really shouldn't.

I don't know where you go from here to be honest. He will always think it's ok to police your tummy - and you will most likely be on tenterhooks waiting for him to do it.

What do you want to do? I would probably have some time on my own to consider what I wanted out of this relationship, never mind what thick-wit wants.

HelenaDove · 15/09/2016 14:56

Rainbow and Onlyonce. Get rid of these tossers.

Im a size 14 and used to be a size 28 My DH never made one nasty comment about my weight............not one. Ive been left with a bit of loose skin and havent had any nasty comments about this either.

Onlyonce i couldnt bring myself to have sex with someone that shallow superficial and abusive.

I would be telling him that the Shallow Hal routine isnt a turn on.

These are the kind of bastards who would deny it was anything to do with them if their partners ended up with eating disorders. They would try to blame it on magazines and pressure from other women.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2016 14:56

*it really shouldn't be a topic for his determination of you.

Kr1stina · 15/09/2016 15:03

Only once - your partner wouldn't have sex with you for 8 months because he didn't like your tummy after pregnancy !!!!???

Is he abusive in other ways ?

ButtMuncher · 15/09/2016 15:04

This is really hitting home for me. I've been told that following a c section (tomorrow), there is no rush to lose weight. Thanks! Wink

This is following two years of subtle and not so subtle comments about my 'overhang' and the fact he thinks I'm beautiful but can't understand why I have that 'stomach' - he says if I asked him to lose his, he'd do it for me whenever! Except I don't ask because I couldn't give a shiny shit. Apparently it was so bad at one stage that he didn't know if he could be with me and then someone told him to shut the fuck up and he realised it was childish. Except he hasn't at all and every so often I'll get a dig that's a joke but hahahaha it's not very funny. Apparently he has no problem with 'it' now but does say 'I just don't like your tummy much' Hmm

Worryingly I put off asking for a c section for MH grounds because I was worried I wouldn't lose weight afterwards and he would be even more intolerable about it. I was frightened of not being able to breastfeed because I knew being able to meant I could burn extra calories.

My insecurities have been rampant during pregnancy (managed to stave it off before as I'm usually pretty rational and know it's his problem not mine) and resulted in me breaking down and begging for a section - something I wish I'd done weeks ago to minimise the amount of stress I've been through - all because I didn't want to look 'weak' or risk getting 'too fat'

Fucking sad really Sad

HelenaDove · 15/09/2016 15:07

God there are some real cunts out there. ...........oh wait no they lack the warmth and the depth.

loobyloo1234 · 15/09/2016 15:10

OP - do you ever moan about your weight? I'm trying to see this from another angle. When I lived at home for example, if I ever put on weight, i'd comment, and my Mum was my harshest critic but also only because she was fed up of me moaning if that makes sense? She'd tell me to do something about it and she was so right ... ?

Just thinking, even though he shouldn't have done it in that way, could he just be giving you a kick up the bum?

ButtMuncher · 15/09/2016 15:16

Looby - I can't speak for OP but I can say from my POV I've never had an issue with my weight. I've overcome so much in my life and a little bit of overhang after losing 6 stone before I met my DP means I really am very happy with who I am physically and mentally. He knows that, I've always been very open about feeling happy with how I look, I just feel down with the way HE sees me.

TheLastHeatwave · 15/09/2016 15:18

Rainbow. I know it's hard to hear, but he really isn't a nice bloke. He can be nice, of course he can, that's how controlling, nasty, bastards suck people in & keep them going back for more until they're so insecure they lose all sense. You've been seeing each other for two years & don't live together, surely you can see how much worse it will get in time and as your relationship gets more committed - so he feels more 'safe' to be his real self.

You are minimising his behaviour because you don't want to face up to what you know you need to do. It's understandable, but not wise 💐 Brave up & kick his sorry arse to the kerb. He's not the only man out there.

SoHairyAndForeverSpartacus · 15/09/2016 15:23

Ignore this if it's not relevant OP, but do you know if he has a porn habit?

I've found that ex partners in the past who used porn tended to have very warped, entitled views and expectations of how my body should look. Almost like they believed it existed only for their sexual gratification, and not as the physical vessel of my humanity.
I've also had very similar issues with my weight being low at times of stress.

TheLastHeatwave · 15/09/2016 15:24

Looby being nasty to someone you supposedly love is NOT helpful.

ButtMuncher 💐 Good Luck for tomorrow X. Focus on lovely newborn snuggles & all things good. However, when you are strong enough (I'm talking weeks, not years!!) get rid of that nasty wanker. You too deserve, way way better.

TheLastHeatwave · 15/09/2016 15:27

SoHairy. Sorry you've had a tough time too.

The question is pointless though, beyond curiosity, because he's an adult, surrounded by adults and he can see, on a daily basis, that women do not (on the whole) look or act like porn stars. At BEST it makes him an immature prick missing way too many brain cells to have a relationship with.

TheLastHeatwave · 15/09/2016 15:29

shotsfired. He's a keeper isn't he 😊 It would be fantastic if you could clone him!!

adora1 · 15/09/2016 15:32

Shocked and saddened that women are prepared to stay with men that are running them down, especially after child birth.

God help you then when you grow old and your skin sags - I just could not be with a man that did this even once, it's vile, disgusting and you are accepting that the shite he is saying to you must be right, it's so very not.

loobyloo1234 · 15/09/2016 15:32

Looby being nasty to someone you supposedly love is NOT helpful.

I agree. But men have a habit of sometimes speaking before they think, and I was just trying to establish whether OP is the sort of person who moans about her weight and this was his way - albeit ridiculous and unhelpful - of trying to help

Buttmuncher

He tells you he doesn't like your tummy much Sad But if it weren't for that tummy you wouldn't have been able to carry your beautiful baby ... tell him to carry a baby and see how it affects him Wink

ButtMuncher · 15/09/2016 15:46

DP isn't sentimental about baby - he sees pregnancy as boring and has moaned the entire way through the small complications we've had. He's been fantastic practically but because it's not been textbook, I've heard 'pregnancy is so boring' so many times I've lost count Grin Sadly if I said 'This body created your son' his likely response is 'it was saggy before' Envy

In his small man child mind he thinks that because he would jump to attention if I didn't like something, I should. Irony is, I don't like his stupid aesthetic 17 y/o boy attitude to 'types' but doesn't seem to be making amends for that Grin

Lorelei76 · 15/09/2016 15:58

Butt - agree with pp, after you've recovered from lovely new new baby you should dump the manchild.

PickAChew · 15/09/2016 15:58

Read the first paragraph of the OP, again, looby. OP's weight gain was much needed. I doubt if she's been moaning about it. She doesn't need "help" tactless, well meant, or otherwise because she doesn't want to become underweight, again.

Kr1stina · 15/09/2016 16:01

Supporting your partner through pregnancy complications isn't being "sentimental " . It's being kind and loving , you know the normal things that are part of being a couple .

ShotsFired · 15/09/2016 16:08

TheLastHeatwave shotsfired. He's a keeper isn't he

Yes he is.

If I could clone him, I'd hand deliver Version 002 to RainbowDashstolemyidentity for some proper old-fashioned loving.

expatinscotland · 15/09/2016 16:14

It's despairing to read how many women put up with and procreate with people who are utter twats.

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 16:35

So many posts Shock
I don't moan about my weight looby I'm finally in a place where I feel happy with who I am
Buttmuncher good luck for tomorrow you're DP sounds like mines brother!

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 15/09/2016 16:56

RainbowDashstolemyidentity

In that case, your DP really is as much of a twat as he sounds. You deserve better. Tell him you're going on a diet and the first thing you're going lose is him Grin

ButtMuncher · 15/09/2016 16:56

Trust me, I am shocked at myself for putting myself in this position sometimes. Genuinely when he's on form he's fantastic but seriously my DP has some kind of alternate personality. Tbh I don't think he's a total dick - I think he has a personality disorder. I sound like I'm minimising though so I should shut up Grin

Thank you all and OP I'm sorry I've sort of derailed. I just saw a lot of what you've posted in my situation - feel free to PM me Smile

Thank you all for best of luck wishes. Cannot wait to squidge him!

Swipe left for the next trending thread