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Original poster

Made to feel Fat by DP

145 replies

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 15/09/2016 12:55

I've been with DP for 2 years, when I met him I was probably 2 stone lighter than I am now but massively underweight as I'd been through a very stressful time. I've slowed gained weight am at now a healthy ish weight for me.
DP has made no secrets of the fact that he likes slim women (but also agreed I was too thin before) and that he wouldn't want me to get "too big" I was offended, as I thought he loved me enough to accept me whatever size I am.
Last night after dinner I was stood in the kitchen,he walked past me prodded my tummy and said "what's that?" Implying that I had a belly.
I was offended and made him know that his comment had upset me, he apologised but said if it bothered me then why not do something about it!!!
This morning he got the scales out to weigh himself and suggested that I might like to jump on! I got arsey and refused.
I guess my point is, is he being an arse to point this out and should I take him to task about it or does he have a "right" to comment on how I look as obviously its him who has to look at me/sleep with me etc??
Buckling myself in for the replies!!

OP posts:
CarrieLouise25 · 15/09/2016 23:48

sentia is spot on.

GloriaGaynor · 16/09/2016 08:06

I don't even think it's tactlessness I think it's intentional body-shaming.

He likes OP thin and he wants her to stay that way. He thinks he has the right to tell her.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/09/2016 08:13

This scenario occasionally comes up on MN.

My stance is that when you meet someone and their weight is what it is then they find that attractive, if someone changes their physical presentation then that may well lead to changes in how attractive they find you.

I don't think it's a crime to feel that way.

How they express it must be dealt with carefully although some on MN will say that it should not be expressed at all or that the person taking issue with weight gain is a menace etc

It would not come as a shock to me if I gained two stone and my partner felt different about my appearance is what I'm trying to say.

CarrieLouise25 · 16/09/2016 15:05

Love is unconditional though.

"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"*

*unless you gain 2 stone

I know they're not married, but, just saying.

I gained weight and DH has never said a thing. I'm trying to lose weight now, and he's happy for me. Loves me either way.

What if your partner gets ill and that leads to weight gain? Has an accident and ends up with a scarred face? Do you stop loving them because they don't look as attractive as when you first met?

My DH is perfect on the inside, and that's what makes him attractive on the outside Smile

HelenaDove · 16/09/2016 17:31

QuiteLikely that can happen the other way around too. A man who prefers larger women might get together with one and she may decide to lose weight for her health.

Then if he doesnt like it she certainly shouldnt be regaining the weight compromising her health to keep him happy.

Having said that a lot of men who think superficially see women as interchangeable objects anyway.

Onlyonce · 17/09/2016 20:20

How are you OP?

Onlyonce · 17/09/2016 20:23

Quite Likely

That's interesting what you say and I can understand some of it. How do you equate that though, with other aspects of appearance? E.g, getting older, grey hair, or perhaps scars from surgery? Would you deam that a reasonable reason for finding someone less attractive? Would it be acceptable to end a relationship for those reasons?

Original poster
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 18/09/2016 16:14

Hi Onlyonce we talked lots yesterday, he does & doesn't get where I'm coming from. He apologised for the way that he made me feel & I do believe it was genuine. I don't actually think he would have a problem with me commenting on his weight,personal appearance I think he'd just shrug it off.
He knows my past & knows why his comments were particularly hurtful. I guess time will tell if this is the start of him being critical of me or if it was a case of speaking before engaging brain!! I don't want to throw away what is essentially a great relationship because of this incident X

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 18/09/2016 18:21

The reason he doesnt get where you are coming from is male privilege.

They dont have the same pressure on them looks wise than women do.
Its not as if he dosent know that though. Because its exactly this expectation in society that made him not only comment but prod your belly like you were an object.

Because he sees you as an object.

PrincessOG16 · 18/09/2016 18:26

Kick him. Kick him hard. What a wanker.

KatieScarlett · 18/09/2016 18:38

I hope none of you with these men have daughters.
If he doesn't find you porny enough with some extra weight, the only answer is to tell the arse to fuck off and find a skeleton to bang.
It's his problem, don't make it yours.

Onlyonce · 18/09/2016 20:42

Did he say it wouldn't bother him if you commented on his looks? That's what my dp always says. It doesn't stop the name calling in my experience. I hope you don't end up in that situation also. I hope he has learned his lesson but only time will tell. If he carries on it will utterly grind you down. You sound strong enough that you don't need to stay with him if he ever gets that way so make sure you do what is right for you. You say you have a good relationship otherwise so I hope it works out for you

HelenaDove · 18/09/2016 20:44

Onlyonce I bet it would stop if you told him he has a tiny penis.

RowenaDahl · 18/09/2016 21:48

You've told him it upsets you now you need to see if it has sunk in. If it hasn't and he continues to poke fun at you then you really need to bin him.

There is nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't honour your feelings.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2016 00:10

And then these stupid thick men wonder why their partners become self concious in bed.

A woman needs confidence to feel sexy. God some men are dense.

KittyWindbag · 19/09/2016 05:31

I was about two stone lighter when I first met my husband too. Since then I have bemoaned my weight gain to my husband who refuses to ever acknowledge that I am in any way less than perfect. He will not hear it.

This probably come across as smug, but it's really not meant to. What I'm saying is, love should not be critical or unkind. There are a million ways you can raise health concerns (although I don't think this is what these are) with your partner. But poking people in the belly and subtly bullying them isn't the way.

Onlyonce · 19/09/2016 06:56

Helena

It really wouldn't. I've had this conversation a million times with him.

Onlyonce · 19/09/2016 07:00

I agree with what you say about women needing confidence to feel sexy though Helena.

He wonders why i rarely initiate intimacy. When the reasons are staring him in the face.

I have a lymphatic problem with one of my legs and his comment are purely based on what it looks like. Not the fact it's uncomfortable and sometimes painful for me. Personally I just don't think men like this ever change. I am hoping Op will prove me wrong here.

BorisStoleMyWig · 19/09/2016 07:12

I've not read the full thread so might be restating what someone else has said, but for me the key words are early on OP: 'I'm finally happy with the way I look'.

That implies that until now you've been unhappy, possibly seeking reassurance, on the back foot. Now you're happy. I could be entirely wrong but that could be very threatening for someone who prefers the balance of power the original way round.

Only time will tell but my spidey senses are tingling.

ptumbi · 19/09/2016 07:25

Onlyonce - why on earth are you with him? 'It's just the way he is'?? Yes, because he is 'just' an insensitive, arrogant, fuckwit.

Bin.

OP - I'm glad he has apologised, and I really hope he will take it on board. Be aware, tho, that if it is the start of controlling behaviour, it will now become more insidious, less obvious, more 'under the radar'. These are so much harder to spot, and with really mess with your brain.

Remember what he has already told you!!! Angry

Onlyonce · 19/09/2016 09:44

Ptumbi

People stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons.

I only wanted to share my experience here to be sure the op was aware of what can happen when these kind of comments start.

areyoubeingserviced · 19/09/2016 12:01

Agree with Boris.
I think that your OH sees that you have become more confident about your body and wants to keep you under control.
The fact that he is aware that you have had body image issues before makes his behaviour even more alarming.
I would tell him that you are comfortable with your appearance and if he isn't happy he can leave. Simple

ptumbi · 19/09/2016 17:55

Onlyonce - not being harsh, but... so you are happy in this relationship? You know, people leave relationships for all kinds of reasons too. If you are being abused, (and Imho, you are) get out.

Have a happy life.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2016 19:50

Onlyonce I have lipodema. My legs have a slightly lumpy appearance. Its hereditary My gran had it. I used to be ten stone heavier and they have got smaller after weight loss but still have a lumpy appearance. I would have still had the problem because its hereditary but no doubt if i was with someone like your DH they would have put the blame entirely on me. Neither DH or any of my exes even mentioned it once.

He doesnt deserve you. And when he gets old and infirm i have no doubt he will suddenly remember those marriage vows and expect you to care for him.

Because his type only remember those vows when it benefits them!!!

SabineUndine · 19/09/2016 19:53

I would dump him. I wouldn't give him the option. I'd find myself someone who loved me, not my body, and tell him to fuck right off. You deserve better.