Turning Tavern - does it still exist?

[WhyASpoon]

Following a search I discovered a set of zombie threads about the Turning Tavern - I think it may be my Mumsnet home. Is there a current one?!

[RumnCokeplease]

Hi all

I was on the original TT threads (NC since) .

I found them hugely helpful and spoke to some amazing, likeminded women. Some stories were actually really sad. Some happy. Overall for me, it was just really exciting to finally find 'my people'.

Anyway, if it weren't for that thread, I'd still be in denial. Honestly, it helped me so much and gave me enough courage to actually be me.

If any original TTs get to see this, hope you're all doing well x

Be happy to chat with anyone new who is having a hard time understanding their feelings. My god, I've been there and got the t shirt!

[airforsharon]

I was on the original thread (threads!) under a different name. Became 'virtual' friends with a couple of the others for a maybe three years but due to distance etc friendships have dwindled. But still have fond memories, the threads had their serious side but there were many laughs too.

I'm now separated (very amicably) and dipping my toes into OLD (not with great success )

[WhyASpoon]

Hello! I'm sort of working my way through the old TT threads - finding them mostly really encouraging. I'm still planning on trying the LGBT centre again on the 23rd, although I'm wondering about broaching the subject with someone to come with me. Although I haven't actually talked about this to anyone IRL - not on a serious level, anyway. Nothing more than making light of "girl crushes".

I swing between thinking I should just relax and let something happen if it's meant to, and thinking that actually I should be proactive because I'm never going to actually get the guts to suggest taking a friendship further if I don't actually put myself in places where I know there are women who are not totally straight. overcomplicating things as usual!

I don't think I'm confused about how I feel or to whom I'm attracted - but I do wonder if I'd actually ever carry a crush through, given the chance (although, I can say without a doubt that should my friend-crush decide she felt the same - which she won't, she's happily married and I have absolutely zero intention of making any feelings known - I definitely would. So maybe I'm not that confused with the right person. Really going to get over this crush though )

[WhyASpoon]

Anyone else in the leicester area that would like to come with me?! (Clutching at straws...)

[Psykhe]

Resetting here, had 3 different names going on and got fed up changing them.

I would if I were anywhere near Why but unfortunately not. What is it they have have on the 23rd? I'm going to my first proper city meet that night too. I've met them in marches but never done the sit down and chat thing. We're heading to the pub so hoping the dutch courage of a pint will help . Two fears; they'll all know each other from the last one I couldn't make from lack of babysitter or I'll be the oldest one there by a long shot. You have to go and we can compare notes!

For me I know it probably won't happen unless I do something about it. It's an extremely small gay scene here and all seems to cater towards gay men. Only thing is I have no idea where to start considering I went to a womans night during Pride and it was dire, hardly anyone there. My best friend keeps threatening to set me up, I may have to take him up on his offer one of these days.

I wondered that too - was I just curious, would I carry it out? Turns out when the time came it felt pretty natural. Ok well the first couple of dates were nerve wracking but aren't they all? I felt a bit odd to be sitting with a woman in that situation, totally out of my depth but as it progressed it clicked into place

Glad your split was amicable air and good luck with the OLD. I did read some of the original threads years back myself Rum but was too far in denial back then myself to post

[WhyASpoon]

would you rather be known as psykhe or Resetting?!

The 23rd is bi-visibility day, so they have a meet up for a couple of hours. I'll be in town anyway, till around then, so if I can summon up the courage I'll pop in. Maybe. Or maybe run away again. It's sort of like once I go in it's actually not just in my head, iyswim? It feels like quite a big step, even something so small. And conversely like I'm making a big deal over something that actually isn't that big a deal. Except that it is. But it isn't....it's people that I fall for, not genders.

Hmm, now sounding more confused. Blame the late(ish) hour.

It's really good to have a few folk to just brain-fart about this with though, who get it.

[WhyASpoon]

Lovely to hear that it clicked for you. Must have been a relief.

[WhyASpoon]

RumnCoke if I can get my thoughts into some semblance of order I may take you up on that chat and pm you sometime, if that's ok?

[Psykhe]

Don't care what name really. I nc quite regularly since I know a couple of friends are on here.

Nope totally get it, it does feel like a huge step. One thing to acknowledge it in your head and another to 'put it out there' even in a small way. I blew things up massively in my head, am a serious over thinking anyway but got the stage where I thought sod it, I have to be true to myself in a way. Even if came to nothing I was sick of hiding such a massive part of me but it did take me a while to get there.

There is really no rush though if you're not comfortable with it yet, there will be other events and stuff going on when you are feeling ready.

[Maltropp]

Was on the TT threads a while back (name changed since then) ..... Now separated from stbxh, but on good terms and co parenting happily, and in a long term relationship wth a woman. Being "straight" and married was definitely easier than the last few years have been and I miss not having my kids full time but overall life is good. Feel free to pm me.

[CookieDoughHeaven]

You can add me to the list of bi-curious. That is the first time I've ever written it down (much less in a public forum).

I'm another one who wasn't on the original TT threads, but found and read them later on, and wished they were still going.

I am 39 (what is it with this happening in your late 30s?), have literally never had any kind of 'encounter' with the same sex. But I have thought about it lots since I was about, umm, 16?

Only in the last two years however did it occur to me that I might actually be bisexual. Until then, I just thought I was one of those many women with secret (but rather theoretical) lesbian fantasies.

Then I met a woman who I actually fancied and had some feelings for in real life .

The problem is - I'm married and I love my husband. So it has to stay that way - a fancy, a fantasy.

I think part of the demise of the TT threads, or later attempts to revive them (correct me if I'm wrong) was married women like me getting told off for thinking bad things.

But what I think people don't realise is that it isn't quite just like having a crush on a man. For many, it represents a total seismic shift in your identity. It is a crisis, of sorts. And most people don't want to hurt their partner. They just find it a comfort to have a place where they can talk about these feelings that are otherwise buried. Unspoken about. Sometimes painful. Mostly just wistful / yearning.

[WhyASpoon]

Cookie that's really sad that people would have a go about married women wondering about the path not taken. I agree - a safe space to think "aloud" should definitely be available. I guess in some respects I'm lucky in that I am now free to take up the opportunity should it arise, and apart from just wondering, it was never really a thing I thought of when I was married - possibly because I never had a serious crush so didn't realise it was potentially more than idle fantasy.

I hear you with the wistful/yearning, and hope the painful bit is rare for you.

[WhyASpoon]

Psykhe that all makes total sense. I look forward to coming to the stage when I can freely be myself. I am totally comfortable with the possibility (probability) of being bi for myself but it's hard to actually speak aloud to anyone without wondering how they would feel. Or without feeling that somehow I'm seeking attention for it...or something.

Maltropp thank you. I may well take you up on that, especially with regards to how you broached it with your children and what the difficulties have been.

[CookieDoughHeaven]

Thank you Why. It was never really painful for me thankfully, mostly just wistful. But I've 'got over it now' as it were, but the sense/realisation that I am probably really bisexual has remained.

Previously, I'd been exactly as you said it - It was never really a thing I thought of when I was married - possibly because I never had a serious crush so didn't realise it was potentially more than idle fantasy.

Funnily enough, I am going for dinner with the woman in question (as I believe they were referred to on the TT thread!) tonight, after not having seen her for about 9 months. I expect that's why I clicked on your thread, as it was sort of on my mind.

It will be interesting to see if I get that funny feeling in my stomach again!

It's great you have the freedom now to go and explore this. It must be very exciting to wonder where it will take you.

[RumnCokeplease]

air, hi! Maybe I was one of your virtual friends

WhyASpoon, yes, definitely. I'm more than happy to help...if I can. Pm me any time

[RumnCokeplease]

Just wanted to say that I think the reason the TT threads became unpopular was that there are occasionally a burst of similarish threads, but they were\are usually more about a woman asking for, basically the green light, to have an affair. All those threads, pretty much ended in the same way. Husband gives the green light because 1- he finds it a turn on, 2- he doesn't think that a woman is a threat, or both. The "affair" takes place, feelings that the woman were certain wouldn't take place for the other woman, it all blows up and everyone gets hurt.

Tbf, there were one or two stories like that on the TT threads, but overall it was women who were massively confused, scared even, of their feelings and wanted help to try and figure those feelings out with women in very similar situations. Most women I spoke to had no intention of having an affair. As I said, they just needed help understanding their new, or not so new, feelings.

[Psykhe]

I understand that, I was with exdh for 10 years and while the thought crossed my mind ocassionally it was something that I never lingered on too much. I never had anyone catch my eye seriously so didn't examine those feelings too deeply and buried them.

In fact he is the only person who took it badly that I was in a relationship with a woman and we do have amicable relationship. In some sense perhaps that he thought he knew me inside and out and to find out there was a hidden part of me made him think over our relationship and wonder what else I had hidden?

[airforsharon]

rum you might well have been Did you make it over to the FB group?

[CookieDoughHeaven]

Well I went for a drink with the WIQ last night and she is now seeing someone. Must confess I felt a wee pang. Ah well!

[BlueNeighbourhood]

Hey,

So I'm at the other end, I'm openly gay. However my now DP went through what all you guys did so I can kind of help...with her side maybe!

Back about three years ago (as she's explained it all to me), she came out of a relationship with a guy, feeling pretty rubbish went into a lesbian chatroom to talk to girls. She said she always had that bond there but wanted to see it progress further. In the end we got talking and we did, we formed one hell of a bond. She always said at the time she was so so confused as she didn't want 'a girlfriend' but she enjoyed kissing women, she wanted to be with one but without the title.

Anyway we kept talking but nothing happened until three months ago (that's another thread). But now she's in her mega confused phase, it's difficult because she has no ties, but everyone knows her as straight so she doesn't want to do anything on a whim. She met me through that chatroom, she's spoke to people on Tinder when I was with someone inbetween when we first met and now. But I think the coming out part is going to be one of the hardest things with it!

So yeah, if you follow what she did, I guess it worked quite well. It in the end allowed her to strike up conversations with me, we found out we had so so much in common and I just regret meeting someone closer to home before meeting her in real life! She said if it wasn't for the internet though, she'd never have had the bottle to meet anyone.

[duffbeergoggles]

Thanks for opening up a space to talk. I keep typing things I want to say but I don't know where to start. I will have a look at the TT threads but I feel better having read that other women have had very similar experiences to me. At the moment I'm not sure I can ever have another intimate relationship, I'm that confused and scared.

[WhyASpoon]

Cookie my instinct is to say I'm sorry to hear that, but I don't know whether I'm sorry that she's seeing someone or that you still felt that pang. Must be confusing. Either way, I hope you are ok.

[WhyASpoon]

Blue thank you for sharing your experience - it's useful to hear it from the other side. It was something I was wondering about, how women who are openly gay feel about dating someone who is still learning about her sexuality. It can't be easy for you and I appreciate you sharing.

duffbeer can I give you an un-mumsnetty hug? There's a few of us here now, that seem to be at all stages of this, so hopefully if you feel up to talking there will be someone who be there to listen.

[CookieDoughHeaven]

Thanks Why - yes I'm not sure what I'm feeling sorry for either - sorry that she's now seeing someone, sorry that I felt a pang of envy for that woman, or sorry that I think or feel either of those things, as I really shouldn't!

She's just so bloody funny this WIQ and so much FUN. She is an absolute hoot, smart, and from not having really noticed her the first year I knew her, she has blossomed into this totally beautiful being before my eyes.

I guess I can fantasise about my parallel existence that I live in in another galaxy, where she and I have loads of fun together and I'm in a gay relationship.

I really never thought I'd say those words even just two years ago

Duff yes feel free to share here. I've already told this thread things I've never confessed to anyone IRL. It is comforting, if not cathartic.

[WhyASpoon]

Cookie I am so totally with you about the parallel universe. My WIQ is such a close friend and it's simultaneously wonderful to be able to spend time with her and also really hard. If she wasn't married and was that way inclined she would totally be my perfect partner. But she is, and she isn't, and will never know - so friends it is then!