Turning Tavern - does it still exist?

[WhyASpoon]

Following a search I discovered a set of zombie threads about the Turning Tavern - I think it may be my Mumsnet home. Is there a current one?!

[SecretPrivateThings]

Hi Psyhke that's a tough one with your DS. I guess it can't hurt to wait a little bit to see how things go.

Week has been OK, I'm OK until I see her. She is supervising me for a work thing until Xmas or so, so I think I have no choice but to carry on as I am until then. After that I think I'll need to cut contact even more if I still feel the same way.

Have no idea how to get my feelings to go away I could stop fantasising about her. I have done all the standard stuff, reduced contact, only essential work contact, hidden on Facebook etc. I can't be friends with her without wanting more.

Will keep on keeping on.

[Psyhke]

How is everyone? Haven't been on as my laptop was in getting repaired and MN appears to be useless on my phone.

Did the week go ok Secret? How's uni Why?

Nope still haven't spoken to ds. He's 10 and I'm not sure how to bring it up. We have discussed sexualities before, and bisexuality recently thanks to Deadpool but something is stopping me. I've never involved him in any of my relationships before and he has never seen any of them as anything other than a friend of mine. I'll wait and see how it plays out I think, give it a few more months.

[SecretPrivateThings]

Have felt like this about her for months and months so really can't see things changing at this point :( . I have to say I don't think in my entire life I have ever had a crush truly fade away, certainly not to the 'what on earth did I see in them?!' stage, so maybe that's just me.

Starting to think seeing her is just like picking at a wound so it never heals. Glad things are better for you Why.

Psyhke did you manage to speak to your DS?

[WhyASpoon]

Secret that sounds like a massive struggle. I think, as someone said earlier, that crushes sort of have a shelf-life anyway - so I guess the question is whether being around her would extend that and whether or not you can deal with that. If it is going to be hard to separate friendship from your feelings without eventually clueing her into them (which presumably is not on the cards) then perhaps distance would be a good idea...but how you do that when you are working together I don't know. I'm sorry, that's not very helpful - I just wish I could help more. I'm glad it's having a positive effect on your marriage though - that's something to hold on to!

My course is going to be so exciting - we've only had induction week so far, so a lot of gubbins about the way the university does things, and I'm looking forward to actually getting going with it all! I have so far chickened out of joining the LGBTQ+ society though. I'm not really cut out for fancy dress bar crawls any more and certainly don't want to come out anywhere until I know for sure - although I don't know if I'll be able to answer that without actually having a relationship with a woman - and will I be able to do that without actually actively seeking out situations like that?! Catch-22.... Thankfully I have calmed down about my WIQ. Feelings still there but I am not too worried about it all now, probably because I have something to distract me!

Psykhe I've been thinking about your dilemma. How do you think he would react if you told him? I don't know how old he is, but I reckon often kids respond well to being talked to directly and treated in a more adult way in that respect. Could you do that with him? Sit down and enter into a discussion about it? As you say, he might have an idea anyway and it would probably be better to be up front with him rather than him find out or guess. But only you know how he would react and whether he would respond well to that. Best of luck.

[SecretPrivateThings]

Hi Why, how is the course going? Have been wondering how everyone is getting on.

I'm OK, have made a concerted effort to focus on my marriage. I have two youngish DCs, a pet and am not willing to risk all of that when at the end of the day this might just be a confused hormonal thing. Am trying to just view having a crush as a bit of a catalyst for things as I think someone said to me upthread.

Have started exercising which has improved my mood. Things with DH are on the whole good. Sex is good for me for the first time in years and for the first time ever I am actually figuring out what I like in that respect . It feels as if I am waking up a bit in that area and think I have been missing out on a lot .

Struggling at work a bit. Have had to work a lot with this woman (don't even know what to call her on here) and finding that very hard. I'm OK when i don't see her. When we spend any time together though it feels as if we are falling into friendship and my head struggles with that. She sent me a text with something along the lines of working alone in the dark together (have rephrased as don't want to be outed!) and it is something you would never send to someone who was attracted to you as there was an obvious double meaning.

Struggling to pull back from the friendship without her figuring it out. Ugh. Have any of you ever managed to make a crush go away? I think we need to just not be friends as my thoughts are so different from friendship it is not funny.

[WhyASpoon]

Hey - just wondered how everyone was? Sorry I've not been around; been a manic week...

[SaltyRock]

Gosh, all this brings back so many memories. I probably won't post here much as I'm not often on mumsnet, but I remember all the turmoil and heartache of what some of you are going through.
It's a really hard time and I wish you well. It does get better. If anyone wants to PM me, feel free, I'll try and check in from time to time.

[Psyhke]

I'm sorry you went through such a tumultuous time fairly. I can see how confusing and emotional it must be when first coming out, as it's almost like you are a teenager again. Very highly charged and having to relearn everything you know about yourself. I'm really pleased things have worked out for you in the end and you're happy.

I'm really unsure how to broach the subject with my eldest. While not saying anything, he's perceptive and I think maybe picking up on something. I have never introduced him to my partners as anything more than friends so it would be in the future and we have briefly talked about different sexualities before. One to think about anyway. Any tips?

[SaltyRock]

Oh wow, I'm so glad I happened to come on Mumsnet today, I hardly ever come on anymore.
I was 'Crushinghard' on the original TT threads.
Hello to all those who were on the original threads and also on the FB group.
I'm going to go back to the beginning now and read this whole thread, but it's lovely to find this thread.
It's been 4.5 years since I came out to myself and everyone else. I've had a relationship with a woman but am recently single again.
Never looked back once I came out though.

[Fairlyfullmoon]

psyhke well it was difficult to accept I had to end my marriage and explain that to my children, completely start over etc. I had the tendency to fall for the wrong people in those early days, put myself in awkward situations and had feelings that were not reciprocated etc, there was a lot of sadness at that time. Going from a married mum of 2 to a gay woman took some getting used to but it's worth it in the end. It's crazy to think I was ever heterosexual and I truly believed I was, looking back there were signs all over the place.

[Psyhke]

Glad it's worked out for you fairly Can I ask what was so hellish about it, obviously you don't have to elaborate if you don't want to.

Good luck for next week Secret, sounds pretty nerve wracking. Fantasies can indeed been just that. We actually were talking about that the other day. The conversation led on from the stereotypical male response of threesomes when he hears bi women. Me, yes it's an alluring thought at times but the physical and emotional realities of a threesome would fill me with horror. Some things are just safer in your head.

Thanks btw both of you, we shall see how it pans out.

Was refreshing but made me slightly envious over the weekend how younger ones seem so openly accepting of not identifying as heterosexual. Point was proved when outside having a smoke I got talking to a guy, looked early-mid 20s. He was asking why I was wearing something and I explained it was the bi visibilty day social and it was so people could spot the group and without taking a second, he was oh I'm bi too. I wish I could have been that personally aware of my own sexuality when I was younger.

[SecretPrivateThings]

Thanks Why

Have emailed her back. Had to do some work emails anyway so thought I may as well get it over with.

Have said I will be busy that day so might not see her (true although I have over emphasised how busy). Email was probably more formal than it should have been. She must be wondering why I am so detached :( . Her email to me was really friendly. Will have to see her a fair bit next week as she is supervising me for this thing. She really is the only person in the department qualified to do it so I am stuck with it.

On the plus side I think feeling angry last night at the thought of confessing all to DH has told me that I just need to prioritise my marriage. And me, I am quite enjoying finding out what I like after never having done that . It's about bloody time I think!

Everything else is just thoughts, right? Fantasies are just that. And on the plus side it has all woken me up if nothing else. Wondering if I am sounding like I am trying too hard to convince myself

[WhyASpoon]

secret please don't think you have to stay away or that you are derailing! A thread like this would meander through lots of situations anyway, I would hope - providing support to many people and not just OP. I'm in quite a good place today anyway - I'm ok with whichever way I happen to swing, and ok with not knowing. And ok with my crush - I think starting this course has distracted me a bit. So don't need the support and you do - so please don't think of it as derailing, but taking part in what the thread is meant to be about! I'm glad you've managed to have half a conversation with him at least, and cleared up the more sex bit. I'm with psykhe - I don't see it as lying. We've all had fantasies that we've not shared - and at the moment for you it's just that, given that nothing has or will happened and she doesn't know. So there's nothing to lie about, in my mind. As for meeting her, only you know whether you can cope with that and if you can't, don't. It's ok to say you already have plans.

psykhe that's lovely. She really seems to understand and it's wonderful that you were able to be open with her.

fairlyfullmoon lovely to hear stories from those who have come out the other side of this confusion. Thank you!

[SecretPrivateThings]

FFS she has emailed me saying we should meet up this week soon for work (we work together, it's legitimate). I haven't replied - I don't work Mondays and usually ignore most work emails that day.

I don't want to meet up. I want to stay away. I am actually a little bit busy on the one day she is in that I'm there anyway. Advice on how to send a polite fuck off email while not thinking of her in just underwear and also while remaining professional (she's my senior alhough she's not one to pull rank like that anyway)? Will have to meet up but thinking I could put it off until next week where we will be working closely together as she is my supervisor for a project

Had planned to stay away from this thread for the rest of the day; I managed about two minutes .

[Fairlyfullmoon]

Things did work out, once I accept I was bi-curious I quickly identified as bisexual then gay. I'm now divorced and living with a woman It's been a hellish journey and I've had my emotions battered but if nothing else I know I'm completely 100% gay lol

[Psyhke]

Have fun shopping Secret, one of my favourite types of shopping. oh no not me that has a weekend suitcase full of stuff Try bondara too and see which is cheapest for whatever you want.

[SecretPrivateThings]

Actually ignore me, there is a Love Honey thread on chat so will look on that and stop lowering the tone on this thread .

[SecretPrivateThings]

Thanks all, glad things going well for you Psyhke.

Am not in the right place for counselling at the moment but that's really good to know, thanks.

You sound lovely. Fairlyfull hope things worked out for you in the end?

Have decided to chill out a bit and try not to worry about things. Had a brief talk with DH, mentioned more sex and thought about bringing up fantasies but couldn't do it.

Thinking maybe I should focus on what I want for a bit while also focusing on DH. So... I chickened out before... what should I buy from Love Honey?! Any tips anyone.

[Psyhke]

I know a lot of lgbt centres do free counselling if you ever felt like talking it out Secret. I know of a couple of people have taken advantage of it. See I don't see it as lying, lots of people have fantasies that they wouldn't dream of telling their partner. Ok I don't because I spill everything but I have in the past. What's the point in hurting them over something that cannot be changed and you wouldn't act upon?

Glad uni went well why

Such a great weekend. We didn't do much, just chilled out with our pjs on most of the weekend but it made me realise how terribly I've missed her company. Talked it out with a friend last night then rang her. Was on the phone about two hours chatting about everything and anything. We are going to try and give it another go

I basically poured my heart out. I have a lot of issues. With one failed marriage and several failed relationships, I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with me. It's had an effect on my self worth and I don't think I deserve someone nice. Like all I've done is hurt people and she is the last person in the world I would want to hurt. How the distance between us physically (we live a bit away from each other) made me feel more lonely and needy, and if it's one thing I find unattractive as a character trait in someone is neediness. How I didn't want to make her do the 'pick me' dance with regards to my sexual quirks. I'm scared of allowing myself to be with this incredible woman who thinks the world of me and I can't see myself in her eyes. It's just so different with a woman, it's feels very raw and very open and that terrifies me quite frankly.

Going forward she says that if I'm more comfortable not labelling it for the time being and just enjoying each others company, she is happy with that.

Now I just need to send a text to that fella and break the planned date which I feel bad about. Cringe.

[Fairlyfullmoon]

This thread makes interesting reading, I was on the old TT threads, posted a little but read a lot. I was married, confused, going through all the turmoil written here, it's a crazy time aint it! I know how thought consuming it becomes. Can't offer much advice but things will get easier whichever way it plays out and you really will work things out in your head given time.

[SecretPrivateThings]

Does it matter though? Really not trying to be flippant but if I am bi does that really change anything? It doesn't change the fact that marriage is a commitment to be with one person does it? I don't need to know everything that goes on in his head; I know he finds other women attractive and it doesn't bother me. I don't fucking know what it all means but I can't destroy my marriage over thoughts.

Really does help to hear another point of vie though, honestly. Actually my reaction to risking my marriage (I am angrily typing now!) makes me realise I very much want it to work.

[namechangedjustforthis1]

I do understand what it is like. Been there and so on. Ultimately if it is really 'nothing' and not going to derail your marriage you might want to recommit to him and try and put this other person out of your mind. Rather than indulging in fantasies that are going to destroy the connection you have with DH.
Or it could be a sign you are gay or bi and be something you need to really think about because it matters. It is hard, I do know.
You haven't derailed the thread. I'll back out now, I hope you find some peace in your own mind Secret. Some counselling with a sympathetic impartial person might help if you find yourself still suffering over this woman a few months from now. All the best.

[SecretPrivateThings]

namechanged you are right, it is lying. I think he would freak out completely tbh and we would not recover. I have two small DCs and I have only had thought, not actions. I don't know, I need to think, I have no idea how I would find the words.

Also feel I have completely derailed this thread now. Sorry everyone.

[namechangedjustforthis1]

Do you think your DH would be reasonable to feel super threatened if you were to tell him, Secret? Am ex-TT so not just a random looking for aggro. It seems like you're basically intent on lying to him and just curious what you think would happen if you told him the truth?