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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:

mamakena · 12/09/2016 04:52

When a man shows you who he is, believe him.

And after you kick out his bad-boy arse, count your blessings for dodging that bullet...

ohlittlepea · 12/09/2016 04:53

You deserve better. I know there's this whole culture of 'time is running out' etc and its hard to let go especially when he has had this trauma etc..but not everyone who has had bad experiences disrespects their partner like that. You are alone frightened and worried and even his mum has basically said he doesn't give a shit (if he's well and safe somewhere which I hope he is). Do you really want to sign up to be treated like this and worse for 20/30 years? There's some guy out there who would treasure you and care about your feelings....and this guy also doesn't sound like dad material either if you're looking to have kids...sorry to be harsh but this is a short Sharp pain of seperation now or a lifetime of hurt and regret.

Alwaysmeadulting · 12/09/2016 05:07

I hope he comes home soon Jemima. I also hope that your relief won't be so great you overlook his behaviour.
He is a twat. You deserve better. Have you any idea how much stress babies place on a relationship? He behaves like this without that stress. How much worse do you think it will get when he feels tied down, tired and resentful he isn't getting your undivided attention?

brightspark2 · 12/09/2016 05:16

Has become to pick the car up? Can you send the police to the place three doors up from his Mums as a likely place to look?

DooWhop · 12/09/2016 05:22

Stop making excuses for him. He's been on a massive vender, he's selfish and immature. 5 years is nothing at your ages and you've a lot more to lose if you go ahead with him. He "goes mad" if you're an hour late and you're making excuses for an entire weekend?!

WellErrr · 12/09/2016 05:23

OP is hardly going to ring 101.
'Hello officer, my fiancé is missing. I suspect he's just doing drugs with his mates but if you could overlook that and just fetch him home for me that would be great, cheers.'

flumpybear · 12/09/2016 05:39

I think he needs help if he's suffering traumatic experiences and turning to drugs - has he had counselling?!

daisychain01 · 12/09/2016 05:44

Please stop making excuses for him. Childhood trauma is just letting him off the hook - it's a reason for him to behave appallingly but he isn't sitting there worrying about your past life or figuring out the effect this is having on you.

There are loads of threads like yours on MN and most of the people concerned are locked in the relationship due to DC and finances. You have a golden opportunity to stick two figure up and tell him he can have all the time in the world to be a selfish twat, just nowhere near you.

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 05:54

Still not home and usually leaves for work at 6! Grrr can't take this anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 05:57

Nothing excuses this pain he's put me through

OP posts:

LouisvilleLlama · 12/09/2016 05:57

Jemima for his mum has seen him up and about this morning, so he was safe from his night out, I would prepare for the possibility he may have left you. Which is odd it's like the second time it's happened to a MNer in about a month if it does. I'm not saying he will, just prepare for if he does not NTFT but from where I had you were supporting him to the hilt

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 05:58

He has seen a mental health team but they were really poor, couldn't get his name right and never showed up to the last appointment

OP posts:

HexBramble · 12/09/2016 05:58

Isn't his Mum going frantic tooOP?

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:00

Thank you but I don't think so as I would know the signs etc he left two years ago for about 8 weeks. He gave me a lot of money before he went out in his selfish mind if he was going to leave me he would have kept the money. He also would have taken his work stuff if he was leaving me and his stuff!

OP posts:

Babasaclover · 12/09/2016 06:01

Very odd behaviour. Sounds like he is perfectly fine and just worried to face the consequences. I'd be so mad if I was you.

Imagine this behaviour in 5/10 years time when you have children to explain to

Penfold007 · 12/09/2016 06:01

As his mum is so calm and collected you can safely assume she knows he's safe and where he is but he's asked her not to tell you. She's dropped some big hints especially with the comment that he won't be worrying about you. Sadly I think he's ended your relationship in a cowardly way.

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:03

That's what I don't understand, his mum knows of his mental health struggles and that we would go and sit by a river depressed saying he doesn't want to be here but she is not as worried as me. She said she does worry but at the same time he's a grown man. She thinks because she saw him yesterday at midday that he's sleeping off a hangover at a mates

OP posts:

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:05

Before he went out he was saying how much he loved me and I was the one and he couldn't wait to get married! Odd to say before you leave if your ending a relationship. I know full well if he was leaving me he would have taken his money and his work stuff

OP posts:

LouisvilleLlama · 12/09/2016 06:07

What kind of job does he have OP? Is it office based where you could casually pop in and check around lunch time perhaps to see if he wanted to go for lunch or like a plumber/ electrician with different locations. Whilst not ideal if it's something like office based then that could be an option

LouisvilleLlama · 12/09/2016 06:08

Or even phone in as you need to speak to him.

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:09

He works for his uncle cladding and is currently doing a job which he usually leaves at 6 for. I have just text his uncle explaining what's happened

OP posts:

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:10

His van broke down so he's been using my car for the last few weeks to get there

OP posts:

Inertia · 12/09/2016 06:11

As you are so worried, call 101 and the local hospital.

If he hasn't been taken into hospital or arrested there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for this, nor for the fact that he became angry when you were an hour late and warned him. He is showing you exactly what the rest of your life will look like if you stay with him.

marcopront · 12/09/2016 06:11

Does he have the car keys or are they in the house?

Original poster

Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 06:12

So upset now he hadn't shown for work. Really panicking something bad has happened

OP posts:

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