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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 12/09/2016 10:27

Sad I hope you're wrong benbry but yy, the signs aren't good.

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 10:29

benbry Yes, she'll marry him.

It'll be:

"He's my world."
"He's not normally like this."
"He cried."
"He suffers from depression."

And then she'll regret her decision but by then it'll be too late.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 10:31

I suspect you might be right, benbry.

The only reason I'm posting so much is because I still have a little bit of hope...

But yes, he'll cry and he'll apologise and he'll have had no idea she was so worried and he'll promise never to do it again and he'll promise to get help and he'll realise that his past has affected him more than he realised and he won't be strong enough to do it without her and the only reason he appears to disrespect her is because she's the only person he truly trusts and feels comfortable with and... and.. and.

He'll call her babe, he'll make her promises and in 3 weeks time she'll do it all over again.

And maybe that will be the time she thinks back to this thread.

Or maybe it'll be the pre-wedding nerves bender.

Or maybe it'll be the she's 3 months pregnant bender.

Or maybe it'll be the she's gone into labour bender.

Or maybe it'll be the 40th birthday party bender...

But one day she'll realise.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/09/2016 10:31

It's never too late to cut your losses.

usernotavail · 12/09/2016 10:32

If he suffers depression why would he use drugs?

trafalgargal · 12/09/2016 10:33

He's hiding from both you and his Mum at his Nan's ?
Presumably his Nan doesn't have a landline or a mobile he could use to call you which is why he got the copper to tell you he was OK.

He's pathetic

If there was any truth in his tale he'd have been asleep in your front garden not hers ......and why didn't she ring you to let you know he was OK when he rocked up?

No doubt his Mum let her Mum know he was AWOL .

Sorry but it gets worse.

Kenduskeag · 12/09/2016 10:34

Agree, benbry :(

What makes women choose men like this? I wouldn't sit next to this kind of bloke on a bus, let alone let it cross the threshold like a stray to shit on everything. Is it the drama? The belief they'll 'change' them and scummy drunk stoned thug will become nice, hard-working, loving husband and father?

Think of the kids who are gonna watch this saga play out throughout their own childhood. How lovely.

Fucking disgraceful.

AlfrescoBalconyWanker · 12/09/2016 10:35

I hope he takes responsibility for what he has done and doesn't make excuses

Well, given that he still hasn't bothered to get in touch with you, at all (I don't think passing on a message via the policeman that's wasted his time looking for him counts) - what excuses is he making? None.

He cares more about whatever nonsense he had planned than he cared about you.
He cares more about whatever nonsense he had planned than he cared about his family.
He cares more about whatever nonsense he had planned than he cared about his job.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 12/09/2016 10:37

Being with this boy is not your path it's a Road to Nowhere.

Is that where you want your life to lead to?

ToffeeForEveryone · 12/09/2016 10:44

Run for the hills OP whilst you still have time.

Fair enough he doesn't do this regularly, but he has done this before, there is every chance he will do it again. If you stay with him and settle down, what if this happens in a couple of years when you have kids? How would you explain it to them?

He's not been locked in a black hole for a couple of days, he's had plenty of chances to text to let you know he is okay. He either was quite happy to let you worry yourself sick, or he didn't even think of you at all.

Run. Run fast, run far. Flowers

PregnantAndEngaged · 12/09/2016 10:44

He is a selfish prick.

Depression is no excuse, and believe me because I've suffered depression and I wouldn't have behaved like a twat like that.

Don't marry him unless you want to go through this countless times in the future, potentially have children with him when he can't even look after himself, and experience divorce.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/09/2016 10:45

You sound so desperate. You really need to find some self esteem.

TattyCat · 12/09/2016 10:46

The whole relationship is a car crash.

So when you're married and have children (God forbid) with this failure of a man and he's doing this more regularly and spending the household money, then losing his job because no-one will employ him when he continues to fail to turn up, and you have no money... what then?

Seriously - what? You'll come on to MN and tell everyone how bad your life is but you still can't leave him?

Don't be as weak as him.

TattyCat · 12/09/2016 10:48

And don't let him hide behind 'depression'. He'll use that to worm his way back in to your affections.

Oh, and when the next bender involves another woman, will you still be defending him because he's "depressed"? It's only a matter of time.

SarcasmMode · 12/09/2016 10:48

Many with MH issues self medicate user but usually with drugs that will make it a whole lot worse.

SestraClone · 12/09/2016 10:49

The wedding wont happen anyway, he will go out on a "bender" the night or a few days beforehand, to say goodbye to his single days, and wont return in time. I would bet money on it.

SarcasmMode · 12/09/2016 10:50

Scrap that - any drugs make it a whole lot worse.

Madinche1sea · 12/09/2016 10:51

Sorry OP, but what planet are you on? Really? You are 31 years old.

What the hell is all this running past his mum's house in the middle of the night caper about? Did they think it was Halloween or something - out playing trick or treat?

My 14 year old DS and his friends would know better.

Missing for 2 nights? Now known to have slept in his nan's garden!

You do not have kids with this clown.

You go not need to be with him. What more is there to say?

Confused
Blondeshavemorefun · 12/09/2016 10:52

Agree depression doesn't make someone behave like a selfless twunt

My dh had depression but was the most kind caring man ever

Would never crossed his mind to read me the way your fiancé treats you

Now you know he is safe and alive and police have contacted you yet he still doesn't bother to contact you 🙄🙄🙄

Cancel wedding plans

You are young. 5yrs with someone isn't a lot compared to the rest of your life

GeneralBobbit · 12/09/2016 10:53

There is nothing less attractive than a man hiding from his responsibilities in life as he's 'scared' of getting into trouble with his girlfriend Hmm

Just yuk. I'd rather fuck a courgette.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 12/09/2016 11:01

Any contact yet, OP?

GerdaLovesLili · 12/09/2016 11:02

Why are you looking for an excuse to keep this waste of skin? He will continue to make your life a living hell and unless you enjoy the drama that goes alongside living with a tiny-brained man-child, you will not only cancel the wedding. You should pack his bags, take them round to his Nan and change all the locks.

Next time he does this you'll probably be pregnant, then you'll have a child, then two and you won't have just invested 5 pointless years in him. You will have ruined your life and your children's too. Because that's how this story goes.

53rdAndBird · 12/09/2016 11:04

But yes, he'll cry and he'll apologise and he'll have had no idea she was so worried and he'll promise never to do it again and he'll promise to get help and he'll realise that his past has affected him more than he realised and he won't be strong enough to do it without her and the only reason he appears to disrespect her is because she's the only person he truly trusts and feels comfortable with and... and.. and.

Haha, my ex would like his script book back. And that wasn't going out on benders, it was other crap behaviour - it is uncanny how similar the excuses are with a certain type of men. Because it WORKS. It lets them do what they want, which generally (despite all the tears and drama is to carry on with things just the way they are).

I feel for the OP - it's difficult enough to face up to the knowledge that someone you love could care so little for you that they'd do this. It's hard to have lots of people on here saying what a dick he is, when they don't even know about all the good qualities he has! (And I'm sure you can list them, OP - so could all of us, about all our crap exes. Nobody's ever awful 100% of the time. What most of us learned the hard way is that being awful any of the time is too often.)

It's hard to leave, OP. But think of it in the long term - it's going to be even harder to stay and live like this for the rest of your life.

BadTasteFlump · 12/09/2016 11:06

This thread makes me so sad as it could have been me 20+ years ago - and I didn't listen to reason either.

People tend to not learn from others' mistakes - they forge right ahead and make their own Sad

HalsallRedux · 12/09/2016 11:08

He doesn't usually drink or take drugs

Eh?

Yet upthread you said that The only way it would ever work is for him to be sober for the rest of his life and he's tried that about twenty times already

So which is it? Does he drink/take drugs or not? Although I don't think it makes a great deal of difference because I'm not sure you're really convinced even now, OP. Sadly.