Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 10:05

I agree I won't be making any further wedding plans

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 10:06

How could he get locked in a house but sleep in the garden?

OP, you're 31 and he's 25. Some young men are mature at 25 while others are more like 18 year olds. This is what this guy's like - can't you see that he's treating you as he would his mum? He's hiding from you so he can take drugs, ffs.

He's clearly not mature enough to marry. You are absolutely fooling yourself if you think this is the behaviour of a man who's ready for adult life with one woman

You're at a crossroads now - you can keep going with this man and have more of the same, so that you're the only adult in the relationship, or you can make a conscious decision that yes, he's a nice guy (I doubt we'll persuade you he's not) but that he's not for you as he's too young and selfish.

Where do you want to be in five years' time? Because if you stay with this man you'll be where you are now, but just older and more bitter.

Do you know anyone who's in a good relationship? Do you know any women who're married to someone really lovely? Would they behave like this?

Shezza71 · 12/09/2016 10:07

Ok so we all know now that he is safe and well and was being an immature twat, what are you going to do about it. I get the feeling you want this relationship to work and that you are hoping he will mature, if you're not going to get rid of him I would at least postpone your wedding and put off having children with him for some considerable time and maybe if you have joint accounts separate them so you know he can't squander your hard earned money. My opinion would be to leave him and move on with your life though.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 12/09/2016 10:08

I'm glad for your sanity that you can now relax about whether he's lying in a ditch somewhere!

But my goodness, do not consider continuing a relationship with this person. Does he deserve to be the father to your children? He certainly doesn't deserve to shine your shoes! Shows no responsibility, no empathy, no love for you at all. Please consider why you feel this is all you deserve.

I think earlier in the thread you mentioned that you had told him when he'd gone AWOL before that you wouldn't put up with it. Now's the time to demonstrate that's the case.

allthecarbs · 12/09/2016 10:08

Tbh I'd be changing the locks.
What a fucking idiot. He has no respect for you at all op, depression or not.

Glad you know he's ok now though. Now you can stop worrying and start being angry.

SarcasmMode · 12/09/2016 10:08

I think you're visiting that river in Egypt, OP.

If he cared about getting married - if he cared about you - he wouldn't do this.

If he's gone through something really traumatic as a child that's horrible but he should seek help for it. If one channel doesn't work, try another!

Many have gone through crap in the past but don't put their loved ones through this.

His Mum has known him all his life and has the measure of him.

Do you want to deal with this when you have kids?

What about he doesn't come back for DCs birthday?

When do you draw the line.

I'm someone very respectful for beliefs but the path thing is just you using an excuse to not take action. To not have to accept you need to do something.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 10:09

He does not usually drink or take drugs (if he has I don't know yet) if this was regular I would have ended it years ago! I hope he takes responsibility for what he has done and doesn't make excuses

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 12/09/2016 10:10

I hate to tell you this op, but this man sees you as the fun police. He has bender every few months because behaving like a grown up permanently scares the shit out of him.

He is avoiding you because he knows you will be angry. He ran past his mums like a naughty little boy so he could avoid you, and avoid being a grown up. He is nowhere near nature enough to marry you. There are six physical years between you, but emotionally he is about 14 years behind where you are now.

And if he's snorting coke, he will be lying to you to keep you happy, as long as it keeps you off his case. Horrible drug, which turns previously pleasant people into selfish arseholes, even when they're not Actually taking it.

Run op, and don't look back, because he won't change. He doesn't want to.

Littleballerina · 12/09/2016 10:10

what are you thinking now that you know that he's safe op?

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 10:10

Just ask yourself- would you do this? Would you go out for a couple of days? And not even be in touch?

ShutTheFridgeUp · 12/09/2016 10:11

Police have been to see him and he STILL hasn't contacted you? Why the flippin' heck are you still waiting around for him?!
I second what someone else said, pack his bags and leave them outside and go to work. You know he's safe now so you can stop worrying. Hold on to the anger and rip him a new one when you next see him!

2014newme · 12/09/2016 10:11

Of course he's taking drugs! Ffs.
Why you bother even speaking to him again, it's over.

SarcasmMode · 12/09/2016 10:11

But he's a fully grown adult with a job - why take drugs at all! They are illegal, too...

If he can't cope when drinking, he shouldn't drink. If he has trauma alcohol (a depressant won't help).

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 10:13

Jemima the fact that he know knows you've had the police out looking for him and he still can't be bothered to contact you or drag his sorry arse home or to work is really telling you everything you need to know about this man.

Please, for the love of God, pack a large bag for him, take it to his mums, get a message to him that you have done so, and then go to work and get on with your day.

And cancel your wedding venue TODAY. Just do it. While you are angry. There is absolutely zero point in waiting to see what he has to say for himself. You know what will happen. He'll talk you round, apologise, feed you a load of crap about how sorry he is but his depression means he needs to let off steam sometimes, you'll cry, he'll cry, you'll forgive him, he'll think 'Phew, got away with it again.'

Then you'll go back off into LaLa Land where in your fantasies you have a normal adult relationship with a normal man who respects you and behaves like an adult, and you'll end up married to this sorry immature irresponsible twat who does not respect you or care about how you feel and who runs around the street with a bunch of druggie losers like an overgrown teenager with an ASBO.

You are 31 for God's sake. Just put a stop to this utter madness.

yoink · 12/09/2016 10:13

Glad the wedding plans are on hold OP

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2016 10:14

Locked in a house - yeah right! With no phone, no windows, no doors, no keys. That's kidnap right there. Or a lie.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 10:18

Some young men are mature at 25 while others are more like 18 year olds

Would just like to clarify something here. Some 25 year old men are like some 18 year olds. Let's not make the mistake of assuming all men behave like this and we women must just roll our eyes and bide our time until they grow up.

My son isn't like this (nearly 18) and neither are any of his friends. He would consider this behaviour to be pretty appalling, tbh with you. My brother and his friends weren't like this either. None of the men I'm friends with now were like this.

Some emotionally unevolved morons behave like this. That's all.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 10:18

I hope he takes responsibility for what he has done and doesn't make excuses

Why? So you can look yourself in the eye and forgive him more easily and quickly than if he behaved like a petulant child refusing to say sorry and continuing to tell lies? In which case you would still stay with him, but just end up looking like a total doormat?

Either way you are being a doormat, make no mistake about that.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 10:20

I won't be making any further wedding plans

You need to be cancelling the ones you've already got.

Gazelda · 12/09/2016 10:20

I suggest you text him and tell him to stay at his Nan's for a few days until you are ready to talk with him. Then turn your phone off.

Give yourself time to get over the angst of the last 2 days and to get your head clear about what you want for the future.

He's disrespected you, behaved like a child, let his employer down, no doubt burned money you could have spent together, lied to the police (locked in at a party - really!?), got drunk, done drugs, ignored your worried messages ..... He doesn't deserve you.

Iamdobby63 · 12/09/2016 10:22

I would have thought the police should have said about strained resources not 'buy her a bunch of flowers'.

Of course the excuse will be that his phone got lost/stolen/run out of battery.

ApocalypseSlough · 12/09/2016 10:24

Sentia or she could just tell him to fottfsof
Jemima go to work. Take your car and put the money in an account he can't access. When you split you can give him half but I bet if he gets wind you're out of there he'll take it all.
Don't be a mug.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 10:25

Iamdobby they're human too thought and this will have been a bit of blokey banter, with a bit of eye rolling about what "the missus" will say and "let her have her moan" and "get her a bunch of flowers" type exchange.

benbry · 12/09/2016 10:26

I think that every poster on here knows that the OP will marry this wanker.

They were obviously made for each other.... He's "The One"

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 10:27

I hope he takes responsibility for what he has done

He hasn't, has he? He's hiding from you until you're so desperate to see him that you'll forgive anything.

Has he not gone into work this morning? Wasn't he meant to be driving your car there?

And yes, I meant some 25 year old men act like some 18 year olds.