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Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 12/09/2016 09:36

Rosegold it's all very well the OP being concerned about his wellbeing, but it it's all one way traffic, what point is there in glossing over the fact this bloke isn't cut out for a committed relationship.

It's putting good feelings after bad, her caring about him if he doesn't give a toss about her!

That's real life, I can tell you for sure.

Sunk cost fallacy, she's invested a lot so has to keep trudging on to the bitter end.

Daisygarden · 12/09/2016 09:40

There is a slim chance something could have happened to the guy. It feels wrong to be talking about what an arse he is until he has actually surfaced, safe and well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2016 09:40

I agree clam. To say you are resdy for marriage seems odd. I read it that op was asking him or perhaps more forcing him to say whether or not he was ready - verbally or subconsciously. Or he offered it as some kind of token after another bender.

ApocalypseSlough · 12/09/2016 09:42

rosegold why should she stay? OP has been posting for 12 hours and I've learnt nothing that's made me think, great! or even aww.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 09:48

I had a text from his cousin to say he is at his nans! Police came round I told them this and they have visited him there to check he is ok. Still nothing from him himself. His cousin said he got in a house at a party and he slept in his nans garden! The policeman told him I was not happy and to buy me a bunch of flowers and he might get away with it!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO! Yeh fact is since Saturday at midnight no contact! Selfish!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 09:48

That was supposed to say he got locked in a house! Excuses excuses

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/09/2016 09:50

The police told you that's what they said to him?

Do you really want to spend your life with someone so selfish and disrespectful?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 12/09/2016 09:51

Why do you think it's your path op to marry a bloke that goes on the missing list and treats you like a knob. That runs past his mummies house so she can't see him.

You need to get some self esteem and self respect, it all sounds very immature.

For heavens sake dont have a poor child to this man. What a father he will make! Stop making bad decisions about your life snd font drag a child in to this mess.

If you stay with this idiot make sure you stay on birth control!!

GrumpyDullard · 12/09/2016 09:51

Oh, OP, this makes me so sad. You are me, ten years ago.
My exH also had "childhood issues" He was adopted and, among other things, his adopted mum left his dad (and him) for a few months for another man. But she came back. Yes, that was crap but doesn't give a man in his 30s - and a dad at that - an excuse to behave like a teenager.
My exH added some extra tales of woe (AKA drinking excuses) like his best friend had died. Turns out he hardly knew the guy - he was just someone he knew from work.
While we were together another "best friend" died. He was the husband of someone he'd known at school. He barely knew the guy and never had a good word to say about him. Any excuse for a bender!
At first I'd be worried sick when my exH was missing all night. His phone would ring and ring - never any answer - and I'd imagine it ringing in the crumpled wreckage of a crashed car. (If it was switched off, that must be because it was damaged in the accident!) I remember that horrible feeling and not being able to sleep and pacing up and down feeling sick with worry.
After a few years, I'd still be worried but at the same time I'd KNOW there was nothing wrong with him - he was just pissed. Didn't stop me feeling horribly anxious and angry and frustrated and not able to sleep.
Once he was missing for four days. I was beside myself. He was with another girl (Nothing happened, he says. Yeah, right!!)
In the final few months, I found myself actually wishing he had died when he didn't come home - he was making my life so miserable that I just couldn't bear it any more. That's when I finally dumped him. We had two kids by then.
Of course he got engaged to someone else with a month of me throwing him out. He always needs his mother substitute! I'm sure he has another load of sob stories for his new wife about his bitch of an ex who turned him into a drunk. Ha!
I wouldn't have listened to anyone else until I was ready, OP. I know how it is. Only we can really understand our poor broken boys, right? They just need love and comfort and it will all come right in the end. I'm sorry to tell you that's bullshit, OP. He'll never change.
I would recommend Al-anon. If nothing else, you can meet other people in the same boat as you. It's for friends and families of alcoholics. Just google Al-anon to find a meeting near you.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:51

The policeman told him I was not happy and to buy me a bunch of flowers and he might get away with it

FGS, OP, don't be the sort of woman who accepts this.

This is exactly what I was referring to. Vile misogyny.

Do not accept this. This needs to be the line in the sand. Nothing had happened to him, he wasn't contemplating suicide, he is a useless, selfish piece of shit and you deserve better.

But if you stick with him, knowing exactly what you're going to get, then this is what you deserve because that would be a choice you are making now.

Tell him to fuck off and mean it.

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 09:52

He is a child not a man.
Definitely not someone to marry.

2014newme · 12/09/2016 09:53

Pack his bags, put them outside, go to work

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 12/09/2016 09:53

And if you belive that your a proper dick head. Why hasn't he ran round to apologise and get back to work.

If your pushing for this marrage with this immature prick just to have your 'specail day and fancy dress' more fool you

YouAreMyRain · 12/09/2016 09:53

So while he was "locked in a house" he was ignoring at least 18 phonecalls from you

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 09:55

He got locked in a house at a party? Hmm

Well if that't true, the only kind of party that was was a party in a drugs den where the door was locked to stop the police getting in easily. What a tragic waste of your life and your efforts this all is.

But you are going to plough on, planning this dream wedding to this total catch anyway, aren't you?

Don't say you weren't warned.

QuintessentialShadow · 12/09/2016 09:56

Seems majority say to dump and I would say the same to a stranger but don't feel that's my 'path'

Your life, your path, your problem.

sentia · 12/09/2016 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 09:58

Yes the policeman phoned me after doing the visit at his nans and told me that he had told him o wasn't happy and that he thought it he got a bunch of flowers that might help him get away with it! I said nooooo

OP posts:
Daisygarden · 12/09/2016 09:58

OK, now you know for sure he's ok.

He sounds about as far from a man to be dating, let alone marrying, as you can get. It's about as disrespectful as you can get.

You should go to work. Protect your source of income. Find someone else, I think it seems obvious (unfortunately) that a wedding isn't going to happen. Would he even turn up for the wedding?

Daisygarden · 12/09/2016 10:01

sentia The OP is wasting her time even choosing her words carefully. Her "fiance" doesn't give a shit what she thinks about anything and is probably laughing at her behind her back. She shouldn't dignify him with carefully chosen words at all.

Nothing issuing to "kick his brain into adult mode". He IS an adult. She IS the parent. Nothing to do with what words she chooses. He is already acting like a child so even if she's not being a "parent" she's an "adult", the gap is too big to be breached.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 10:03

Yes his reaction will tell me a lot! If he is ever man enough to contact me

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 12/09/2016 10:03

So HE still hasn't been in touch? Despite you calling 18 times and sending the police to his nan's? Why are you even bothering?

MakemineaGandT · 12/09/2016 10:03

Glad he's ok.

You really should put any marriage plans on hold for now - unless he changes radically your marriage would be doomed.

LadyMumble · 12/09/2016 10:03

Now that you know he is safe you can stop worrying and start facing the facts that this situation have shown you.

Your fiancé has no regard for your feelings, he lied to you then ignored you, despite being aware of the worry this caused you. He uses substances irresponsibly, jeopardising his relationship, employment and financial stability in the process. He doesn't show much respect for his family either, having tried to run and hide his behaviour from his mother, letting his uncle down on a job, and then rocking up at his Nan's house in whatever sorry state his weekend drink and drug bender has left him in, ultimately taking the police to her door. He has behaved shockingly disrespectfully to all of you.

Past traumas / mental health issues are not a reason for bad behaviour. It is disrespectful to those managing such difficulties to erase his responsibility in his behaviour choices by suggesting such.

Don't marry him OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/09/2016 10:04

'Your path' btw, you think you're some sort of missionary, out to convert selfish, immature men by the power of love? Abasing yourself, casting aside your own needs, in service of love's higher power?

Martyrdom is misery OP.

You're confusing your low self-esteem with having superpowers. No-one has the power to change others. Get over these delusional ideas of 'your path'. It is not predestined. It's up to you to create it - hard work, unpredictable but rewarding.