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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/09/2016 08:54

Trouble is, all of us can see that he has a pattern of behaviour towards you and his responsibilities towards your relationship that is vile, whilst you're only just now getting annoyed and don't think it's bad enough to call time on.

Your life is relatively simple, now through in to the mix some really testing standard life situations like kids, bereavement, money issues and imagine how you not being about to trust and rely on him with leave you at those points in your life.

Why on earth do you think so little of yourself that you accept this shit? At least go for temporary separation so there are consequences to this and you have time to think.

BaggyCheeks · 12/09/2016 08:55

No one would say to "stick with it" OP. It's not your "path" either, unless you're desperate to try and martyr your life and happiness for to save a poor lost lamb who doesn't want it or appreciate it.

I very, very, rarely wade into LTB type threads. But seriously. LTB. For the love of God don't marry him and don't have kids with him. 5 years is fuck all, it really is. You'll meet someone else who isn't an irresponsible man child.

NavyandWhite · 12/09/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 12/09/2016 09:03

Hi OP hope you are okay and got to work okay.

You must be terribly worried, I hope he does turn up soon.

I would be reconsidering the relationship. Me and DP have got form for going on benders but we both do it, we generally keep in touch with each over. We both understand when one of us does it, we don't get angry with the other unless we were a tit in someway. Not being in touch for over 12 hours would be considered being a tit.

I highly doubt he won't do it again anyway. Also I don't think his depression causes the need to have a 'big blow out' he's having you on there. He just likes getting twatted by the sounds of it.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 12/09/2016 09:03

Hi OP hope you are okay and got to work okay.

You must be terribly worried, I hope he does turn up soon.

I would be reconsidering the relationship. Me and DP have got form for going on benders but we both do it, we generally keep in touch with each over. We both understand when one of us does it, we don't get angry with the other unless we were a tit in someway. Not being in touch for over 12 hours would be considered being a tit.

I highly doubt he won't do it again anyway. Also I don't think his depression causes the need to have a 'big blow out' he's having you on there. He just likes getting twatted by the sounds of it.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 12/09/2016 09:04

Damn you sneaky double post.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2016 09:06

If you insist on following this "path" to heartbreak and destruction then there is nothing any of us can say to stop you. But please, dont have kids with this man. You can make your own choices, but dont bring a child into this life. Think of what he has put you through in the last two days,, now imagine that as a 5 year old. Seeing mummy worried and terrified, not knowing where Daddy is.....

somekindofmother · 12/09/2016 09:08

don't marry him, honestly, if he wanted you to know he was safe, he would have find a way to tell you. he just doesn't care enough. he's acting like you are his mother, sneaking about like a naughty teen trying not to get caught. you could be with someone who loves you, respects you, adores you and wants to be in a real adult relationship with you. if you have children with this man, it will be you left holding the baby, doing every feed, every change, every morning wake up, every meal, because he will be out partying with his mates instead of caring about you.
please don't do that to yourself. have a family with a man who wants to be a father, wants to be a husband, wants to do it all with u!

Bogeyface · 12/09/2016 09:08

Also, I dont know if anyone else has mentioned this but drug use can be the cause of depression, so every blow out will make him worse and worse. He has to get clean and sober, and that is something only he can do when he wants to, all the nagging and threats in the world wont make him do it.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 09:10

There really is no helping some people. This is one of those threads where the OP thinks we don't really understand how much she loves him and how beautiful their relationship is, on the days where he forgets to behave like a twat and treat her like an annoying irrelevance.

Actually you don't love him. You love the idea of the person you are trying to mould him into. For some bizarre reason you mistake your determination to hang on at all costs, to allow yourself to be humiliated and to blindly forge on trying to turn a sows ear into a silk purse as true love.

It isn't. It's just your lack of self esteem at play. You think if you keep trying hard enough to understand him and show him the right path he will eventually change and be devoted to you. This isn't about how much you love him.

It's about how much you want to prove to yourself that you are worthy of being loved by a man, so worthy that he'll become who you want him to be. It's a game that you tell yourself you must win at all costs. But so far it's clear to everyone but you that you are losing, and losing fast.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 09:10

Oh dear, your path. Ok, so this co-dependant dynamic has you as the hard done by but long-suffering partner who gets periodically upset but generally looks for more and more reasons why he must be suffering so terribly badly to act the way he does.
You have created a role for yourself and a script for him. Only he has got bored of the script and you have got more and more desperate to prove that you are his saviour, that his mum flocking him out was something you would never do it him Ecuador you love him more than she does.
Are you worried that people will judge you for leaving him? That you will feel like you have failed in your mission to rescue, tame and mend him?

I'm so sorry sweetheart, he doesn't deserve your love or even your respect. This is him and this is who he wants to be.

This path has reached a fork and now is the time to walk down the path that makes you the centre of your own life, not him and his dramas.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 09:12

What is it with autocorrect madness??
"That his mum kicking him out was something you would never do because you love him more than she does"

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/09/2016 09:13

Think of the last 5 years as a deposit. Yes, you will lose that if you break off your engagement now, but you will also avoid paying for the mistake of marrying him for the rest of your life.
He knows how frightened you will be, he just doesn't care. If you choose to stay with him then you are choosing a lifetime of this, for yourself and any children you might have with him.

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 09:16

OP, you sound quite young. Mid I was your age again(!!), I would take the advice of all the people who have advised you. I would not be caring for someone who didn't care about me and who went on druggy benders . I wouldn't be trying to look after and repair a broken someone who had depression.
I definitely would heed all those who said don't marry him. Or even have him in your house. You have to hide your money!! This is not how it should be. You won't fix him.. If he fixes himself you can get together again later. Please listen to everyone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/09/2016 09:22

Glad you have finally called the police

Yes a very small chance he might injured or worse an overdose/bad reaction from drugs

More likely he's ignoring you as has done this before and left you for 8w

Did he then come home and set a date for the wedding to make you forgive him?

Why on earth would you stay with someone for another 2yrs after dissapeering for 2mths?

Yes it's hard breaking up with someone but he's Obv doesn't care about you or would have called

His phone is prob dead now hence going to Ansa machine but he could contact you

He just doesn't want to.

He is selfish and won't change

Do not marry this man. He will carry on going on benders and one day you will be explaining to your children why daddy isn't home and ignoring them

Racheyg · 12/09/2016 09:23

I don't normally post on these but i thought I would today.

Op, is your path being stuck with a man child that doesn't respect you? What if you have children?

This may sound harsh but I think you need to cut your loses and find a man that respects you.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your future

MyWineTime · 12/09/2016 09:24

My ex used to do this - that's why he is my ex.

StealthPolarBear · 12/09/2016 09:27

Still not back??

gildedcage · 12/09/2016 09:28

Why don't you think you're worth more than this?

Forget him for a minute. Why do you feel this is a good as you deserve?

Your self esteem must be on the bones of its arse...have a good look at yourself and ask why you're enabling this terrible behaviour.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:31

OP, you sound quite young

She's 31, but the fact you assumed she was 'quite young' (as did I) speaks volumes!

rosegold33 · 12/09/2016 09:31

I think so many people on here jump to "dump him" life doesn't work like that when feelings are involved and as you said if he's suffered from depression you are worrying about his well being.

That said if he's taking drugs/drinking this weekend - let's say coke? Then chances are it's been all day yesterday through the night and he's probably in cycle of dreading coming back to reality and home. He will have too and I think you have every right to lay it down to him and tell him you won't put up with this.

clam · 12/09/2016 09:32

I'm interested that you mention he has said that he is "ready for marriage."
Who says that? Hmm. Seems an odd thing to volunteer, and if he said it in response to a question, then there must have been an issue already.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 12/09/2016 09:32

Lets not give op a hard time shes hurting and confused and panicking first lets make sure her other half is actually ok n then see what happens id imagine shes not looking to be nagged by us but looking for support

TheEmmaDilemma · 12/09/2016 09:34

I feel for you OP. But once he's found safe and sound you need to get rid. Otherwise I fear this will be the rest of your life.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:35

rosegold actually it can work like that. It is more difficult when there is a marriage and financial ties and children to negotiate, but actually, someone treating you this badly should be enough to switch off anyone's feelings. It would mine. Mine would have been switched off a long time ago too.

Unfortunately, women are socialised into believing that once you are in a relationship you sacrifice yourself and everything else to make it work because making and keeping a relationship is a woman's very raison d'etre. It's why so many young women do this and so many older women are so hard line when advising against it.

There would be far fewer women in shit relationships, and far fewer children with useless dads if women learnt to read the signs early on and got rid of these men.

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