Fiancé didn't come home last night

[Jemima1985]

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

No. I absolutely wouldn't stick with him.

My exh wasn't the same category of twat as your fiance, but he was irresponsible in other ways (financially - he spent all of his money, and eventually mine, on crap). He didn't grow up. He didn't realise the error of his ways. He really was showing me who he was. He's now living back in his old bedroom at his parents house (I say now, he's been there for 4 years). The kids say you can't move in his room for boxes up on boxes of expensive shit that he's bought, yet he doesn't have a single tangible asset to his name.

We have 2 children, one of whom is nearly 18 and is emotionally more mature and more mature in attitude than his dad. In fact, he said to me, "mum, I love him because he's my dad but he's immature, irresponsible and selfish".

So a 20 something version of me, without the wisdom of MN and a manpleaser for a mother, would absolutely have stuck with it. And spent a lot of time worried and crying and angry and pleading and not understanding how he could treat me like that when he claimed to love me...

41 year old me who has first had experience of them not changing (and not just my exh either, the character traits and behaviours of my friends' husbands that irked them when they got together haven't changed either, they're just not all dealbreakers) would realise that it wasn't love and that it was an unhealthy emotional attachment that could quite easily be broken and that a single life lived well is always so much better than a dead weight travelling companion who is sucking the life out of you and bleeding you dry financially and emotionally.

You would be an absolute fucking fool to even listen to his, "I'm sorry, babe" 'apologies' after this.

Go to work and get on with your life. Don't put your life on hold. He'll turn up and no, he's not worried about you.

Hm, just read your 'path' comment.

That's pathetic. You're a grown woman not a fictional character in a 19th century tragedy. Grow up and don't be so fucking pathetic.

Path ?

A path is something a couple walk together. I'm not seeing that.

Listen I understand you have a wedding planned and cancelling it would be horrible but try and take the wedding out of the equation. If you weren't planning to get married and weren't engaged ....would you be as forgiving or desperate to find reasons to explain or justify his behaviour or would you be cutting your losses and walking away ?

Jemima,

Re your comment:-

"I do love him and I don't want to throw 5 years away but I know I should do exactly that".

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up. Were you taught by someone that you can act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship?. Do you yourself have rescuer and or saving tendencies because if so they need to be now severely reined in.

I am also wondering if you are confusing love with co-dependency.

Read up on the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships because that also causes people to make such poor relationship decisions.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Are you a bit of a drama queen who finds all of this rather exciting?

You have reported him missing OP, if he has been hospitalized etc the police will find him.

You missing work because if this is a serious step too far.

I understand your worry, there is nothing like it.

I hope he is OK.

But you know he was Ok and not being arsed to contact you yesterday afternoon.....

I wonder if there is anyone that would say stick with it?

Yes, I'm sure there are people who would. Men have treated me appallingly in the past and I've stayed because I thought I could help them. I thought they just needed a better example than the ones they had already had.

It didn't end well. Ever.

I'm now in therapy to heal myself from what made me act that way towards myself. They are responsible for themselves.

If you've reported him missing then the police will first check custody, hospital and any other incidents. They would update you if they had found him in any of those so you can probably assume atm that he isn't is hospital of custody. So no news is good news in terms of guys safety and it appears he's off his face somewhere. In that case, he's made his choices and clearly you aren't the priority. He doesn't deserve your concern and the stress he's put you through tonight is appalling. If your best friend d had this happen, what would you tell her? Five years, five days or fifty years you deserve better and beds to cut your losses and never look back.

Text back : where and when did you last see him? Where do you think he might be?

Then good luck, OP, you'll need every bit of it. And in three years time or five years time or - God forbid - twenty years time, when you can't take it anymore and you finally decide to leave him, remember this thread when you were treated to the most honest advice anyone will ever give you. Not one person thinks you should continue on your 'path', because it's disastrous.

Jemima

This relationship has DFS written all over it; disaster from the start.

Do not marry this man under any circumstances; he is not the right one for you. There is no shame whatsoever in cancelling the wedding; after all it is still 8 months away.

What do your own parents think of this individual?.

To put it another way - if you fail to turn up to work you are letting people down. He's already let people down. Don't start taking part in his game, you are better than that. He doesn't care, he's not a grown up. You are, you do. Show it.

In the extremely unlikely event anything has really gone on, the police will tell you. Then you react.

Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic but it isn't.

Ditch him,spend the wedding money on a fab holiday. You'll bump into him in 10 years time, you'll have moved on and hells till be doing crisp like this. File it Way under lessons learned.

So you heard from the 'druggie mate's and he says he's not with him? Let the police know that.

You're head is spinning, and I'm not surprised.

Are you going to work?

Try And get on with your day, distract yourself, the police have your mobile number I take it? They will be checking all the hospital's, and will ring you when they know something.

All other decisions can wait.

Look after yourself love

He doesn't want to stick with you unfortunately, so there is nothing much left to hang on to

We get that you love him and that you are emotionally invested and thought your life was all planned out with the wedding .......however you have told him in the past that these disappearing acts won't be tolerated. No doubt he was sorry and made all the right noises and promises .......and then did it again ....only worse. And really why should he stop? You talk the talk but you don't walk the walk. There are no real consequences for him so why should he be bothered. In his head you don't really mean it because if you did you'd do something about it.

I have little doubt that you haven't yet hit rock bottom with him and will accept his excuses after a bit of posturing as deep down you don't want to end things but I really hope you'll pospone the wedding as he isn't at this point showing he's ready for marriage.

You both need to change , he needs to deal with his drink and drug issues and you need to be his partner and not his mother and make it plain you want a man and not a man child.

He sounds very immature, unreliable and selfish.

1. He can't even be bothered to say he's ok or let you know where he is even though he must realize you are worried about him.
2. It's obvious his mother and pal are covering up for him whatever he's up to.
3. He often gets wankered on drugs at the weekend - at some point he's going to be arrested/have an accident/health issue exacerbated. IMO taking drugs can make depression worse as it can mess up your mind.

4.When his van breaks down, he conviently uses your car and can't be bothered to get his fixed. How do you get to work - does he care? Would he rather spend his cash on drink and drugs then essential repairs?

1. Ok so his uncle employs him, but would anyone else?

You may not have got to the LTB stage, but you should open your eyes to what your fiancé really like, and seriously consider if this is the kind of life you want in the future.

I do agree, LTB. It doesn't feel like your 'path' because you've become accustomed to this. How would you feel after the wedding when he does this when you're 8 months pregnant, or when he needs to take your child to preschool? Better to have wasted five years than waste 10, 20 or 25.

Right, so reading all your posts back, this is how it looks to me:

He has a friend who lives 3 doors down from his mum, who also works with him, and for his uncle.

It seems you had a good idea all along that he was with this friend the whole time.

He was seen running past his mums house at 11 the following day with a group of lads so it seems glaringly obvious that he was with the friend who had drugs an perhaps he didn't want his mum to see him. His mum assumed he was 'up to no good'

You know the friend bought drugs on Friday. (The obvious question is how/why did you know this, and given you did know this, surely your first REAL instinct would that that was what your fiancé was doing this whole time, given you are now admitting it's happened before and every three months he has 'blowouts'?)

And you know he was with the friend on sat morning acting suspiciously. I can only guess he was running past his mums because he didn't want her to see him and either realise what he was up to, or tell you where he was.

The uncle has managed to confirm that he was with the work mate who bought drugs for all if not most of Sunday and they then went off somewhere else together. And now he's presumably not able to turn up for work today either, or at least he has no intention of coming home first.

You now seem to be angry rather than worried for his safety and yet in spite of all the evidence you are still reluctant to call of the wedding and admit that you are backing a total loser here.

When you actually read all of that back, what is starting to see quite clear to me is that deep down you knew along that it was 99.99% likely that he was on a drink and drugs bender of his own choosing as opposed to sitting by the river contemplating suicide, or in A&E after an accident.

You are totally and utterly in denial about who and what this young man is. You have your fingers stuck firmly in your ears shouting la la la while you ignore the obvious, go merrily about planning a wedding nd prefer to spend your emotional energies on worrying that the poor lamb might be hurt or in the grip of a depressive episode while runs around behaving like an overgrown teenager without a care in the world.

Meanwhile, you are stressing about money he's spent on booze and drugs that could have been spent on your wedding.

We'll never mind that, he should be fixing his fucking van, so he doesn't have to deprive you of your car for weeks on end.

How much more enabling of this TOTAL CHILD are you going to do? Seriously, pull yourself together.

Look, his own mum could not cope with his behaviour and threw him out, and he still has not changed.
Why do you want to marry him and put up with this for the rest of your life? Why do you consider this man will be a good dad for a child to grow up with?

Even his MUM is subtly telling you he does not really care about you, yet you are still worried that he used money for drugs that could go towards the wedding.

Look at this weekend, and see what your future will be like. He did not change and pull his act together when his mum kicked him out. Nothing YOU do or say will make him change.

He has a job because his uncle has kindly taken him under his wing. Do you think he could hold down a job with somebody else than family?

*Hm, just read your 'path' comment.

That's pathetic. You're a grown woman not a fictional character in a 19th century tragedy.*

Agree.

Why are you fixating on 'the wedding's only 8 months away' rather than 'he's treating me like a twat'.

Real Life is not a novel or a soap opera.
You are not a tragic heroine dealing with a damaged cad.

Go to work instead of wallowing in drama & when he finally bothers to contact you, tell him it's over.
No drama required, just unemotional fact.

If you stay with this waste of space and go ahead with the wedding, I GUARANTEE that in however many years time, you will be looking back at this very moment and thinking, "that was the point I should have ditched him."

And you'll be in a far worse position because you may have kids tying you down and a compromised earning capacity and he will be even further down the path of addiction, irresponsibility and just plain 'not giving a shit about you' behaviour. I mean, do you seriously imagine his behaviour is going to improve from this point?

Oh, and the reason his mum hasn't been worried is that she knows exactly where he is.

Let's face it, she'll marry him and have children and might finally wake up when her kids have suffered, she's suffered and she's wasted years of her life.

I wonder if there is anyone that would say stick with it? Seems majority say to dump and I would say the same to a stranger but don't feel that's my 'path'

Bless you.

Are you aware the whole point of an engagement is to monitor the behaviour of the other person and see whether it is actually a good decision to marry them? What is this behaviour telling you exactly? that not only does he go off the rails every few months but you aren't worth keeping in the loop.

As Enid Blyton once wrote - 'the food must be good here, 20,000 flies can't be wrong'. You are taking in the information and interpreting it incorrectly.

What you should be doing right now is changing the locks. Not taking the day off and fretting! This is him on his BEST behaviour.