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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Catsize · 12/09/2016 08:00

Do you have anywhere else you can go and stay for a few days, so you are not there to mop up for him when he gets home?

toptoe · 12/09/2016 08:00

He can't be the man you want him to be. He is who he is. He is not able to be a loving and supportive husband. It's not his depression, it's his character. If you want to settle down with someone who respects other people, you need to find someone more mature and with a kinder, more selfless nature. You cannot change this boy into the man you want. Only he can do that and he won't want to with everyone enabling his behaviour.

The best thing you can do for both of you is say 'Clearly, you are not the man I need and you have different aims in life than me. We can't marry' and let him go. Otherwise you will spend the run up to your marriage and the beginning of your marriage dealing with a young man going increasingly off the rails as he spends more time doing the single things he wants to do and can't do if he is a responsible husband or father.

Kenduskeag · 12/09/2016 08:00

Druggie scumbag who doesn't even show up for work.

Really great marriage material.

It's not to hard to walk away from a crap boyfriend. Once you're married and have children, yeah, then it's hard. Right now he's a mere friend, nothing more. Untangle your feelings and realise that many women would turn their noses up at such a selfish manbaby running drunken/high around the streets and refusing to work.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 08:00

I am so angry don't worry! When he does contact me he can wait 28 hours for a response to 'get lost'! He can't get in when I go to work anyway! His mum threw him out when he was 17 so she will stick to it, she is very hard! I have been soft in the past but this last 27 hours is to a new level!!!!! The only way it would ever work is for him to be sober for the rest of his life and he's tried that about twenty times already

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 08:02

I agree about or looking on thT time as wasted. All relationships have happy time and happy memories and eventually when wounds have healed you look back on them with fondness and they just become a large and important patch on the patchwork quilt that is your life. The only time that's truly wasted is the time it takes from realizing you should call it a day, to actually going it. And time is wasted waiting for someone to change, because honestly, people don't change.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 08:03

It sounds a lot worse than he is, he is a really hard worker usually and wouldn't miss work for anything!

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 08:04

So you're definitely calling off the wedding and breaking up with him then? Are you going to phone and cancel the venue etc today?

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 08:05

I wonder if there is anyone that would say stick with it? Seems majority say to dump and I would say the same to a stranger but don't feel that's my 'path'

OP posts:
willowcatkin111 · 12/09/2016 08:06

Jemima you are angry now which is sustaining you at present but please do seek support. You have suffered a traumatic experience plus will at some point be grieving for the relationship you thought you had. Please do not try to get through it all alone Cake

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 08:06

Well if his own mother doesn't want him... kind of says it all really.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 08:07

I'm not doing anything today, or until I definitely know where is he! Slim chance he could be in trouble somewhere and that he hasn't taken drugs (assuming)! I doubt that very much but I don't want to make any hasty decisions, the wedding is 8 months away

OP posts:
benbry · 12/09/2016 08:07

I've had that that stomach churning worry when someone doesn't come home, the difference is it was about my teenage child, never my DH.

Mothering a grown man would be your life if you were rash enough to marry this would-be teenager.

wobblywonderwoman · 12/09/2016 08:08

You really need to 👟 run from this.

You are 31, plenty of time to meet someone and have a family. If you stay you will waste your life xxx

Chocolate123 · 12/09/2016 08:09

No one in their right mind would stick with him. He's on a bender for over 24 hours with no thought of you or anyone else. If you stay this will be your life. If you have kids this is what it will be like. Do you really want to re live the last 24 hours again?

caffelatte100 · 12/09/2016 08:09

Why would you stick with this situation when you don't need to. He's obviously taken ALOT of drugs that he's been so wasted he can't come home, give you a call. He has no or little respect for you. I used to have a boyfriend like this but we finished, and 20 years later, he is still just the same, a single and hasn't settled down, out drinking, living the life he wants. I found someone else who is more responsible, treats me well, works hard so it's possible to move on and you should too....

You know, I bet anything he saw all those missed calls and couldn't face it. Can you imagine having kids in the mix here?

ApocalypseSlough · 12/09/2016 08:09

Oh ffs stop wittering about your 'path' Hmm and wake up to the fact you're engaged to a wanker. Stay angry and kick him out or move out once he's home.

ApocalypseSlough · 12/09/2016 08:11

Even if he is in trouble now, he was fit and well and hiding from his mammy 10 hours after he told you he was on his way home. Angry

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 08:11

The lad who I suspected he is with has replied 'I'm not with him' !!! Is this a lie because his mum said they were together yesterday, now what, back to worry!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 12/09/2016 08:12

Aw love what a twat, I'm so sorry he's treating you like this. Get angry and stay angry.

MephistoMarley · 12/09/2016 08:12

I followed my path when I was 25. Followed a charismatic boozer against my better judgement. It was destined or something.
Now a single parent with no maintenance and a constant low level anxiety which stems 99% from the ex.

trafalgargal · 12/09/2016 08:14

The thing is it doesn't matter how often he gets it right , it's how wrong he gets it when he gets it wrong.

He's still at the stage where partying with his mates is more important than his partner. He could have answered any one of your dozens of calls (or texted you if he thought he was going to get an earful) but he chose not to because in simple terms the fact you were worried wasn't a high enough priority to him . It probably isn't personal (even though it feels like it) it just means that he is at a different life stage to you. You can choose to hang on and hope he grows up sooner rather than later and that your self esteem can take the abuse .....or you can cut your losses and find a man who is at your stage now and not lagging behihind. What you decide may also depend on whether you want children or not. There's no guarantees he will have caught up in time to have children together.

diddl · 12/09/2016 08:16

Hopefully he's OK & it is a "bender".

If that's the case, thinking about what he has put you through, do you ever want to risk going through it again?

If not, then you know what to do...

Darcychu · 12/09/2016 08:17

sorry but i have to say it.. when you said i dont feel thats my path* that really makes me Sick to my stomach and ill tell you why.

my mum was in that situation, 8 year relationship and most of the time my dad was good... and other times he was awful, disappearing for a night with friends without a word or acting strange BUT she still married him and got pregnant with me. becuase ohh we had been together for sooo long

HAH yeah well thanks, I spent my whole childhood with a dad that was completely unreliable and then one day when i was 13 he left, not a word.. went out one friday night never messaged or called just a text on tuesday to say that he'll be back on thursday but wanted a trip with the boys (boisterous lot always doing bad crap) and that's when my mum threw him out, in the end she had wasted 18 years on him and got nothing in return but all his debt.

And i never see my dad. wouldnt want to even if he gave me the time of day.

The type of guy that would do this is a low life scumbag so if he really did just go on a big bender then no you shouldnt keep him. in the future its not just going to be about you. Its about your future children aswell.

also the whole im like this because of my past is bull!
i also went through some bad stuff, mostly as a child with you know.. a grown man , and i remember all of it but im here a proffessional engaged person who doesnt do drugs and doesnt drink. dont see me whining about it for an excuse

Offline · 12/09/2016 08:18

Ok, if he has tried to give up alcohol and failed, he has a serious problem with alcohol.

If he has disappeared for this length of time and not contacted you (despite being capable of running down the road) he has a problem with responsibility. And commitment.
Missing work due to alcohol and drugs is indicative of being very much out of control with both.

I spent 8 years with someone who did binge drink and drugs and had a chronic drug issue. He too had had a very traumatic childhood and I had it in my head that my love and support could rescue him. He just got worse and worse. In the end MY job was compromised, MY income picked up the CC bill, MY happiness was constantly under strain.

Someone who cannot control alcohol or drug use will by definition not put your needs first.

Serious matter, OP, and this is a well timed red flag for you.

I would end the relationship until he has sought effective professional help for alcohol, and therapy.

Vlier · 12/09/2016 08:18

We are telling you to dump him because we know that you will not be happy with him.

You say that he is your path. Please tell me what you want put of life? Do you want to be treated like this? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't show you respect? Serious questions because I don't get it. You're 31. Time to decide what kind of life you'd like to have.

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