DH lost his job because of drink

[lemonormelon]

DH didn't go to work today because he got drunk last night. Although he contacted them to make an excuse for his absence his employer has terminated his temporary contract. I'm unsurprised as it's his third absence in the six weeks he's been employed there.
I'm well aware that he has a problem with alcohol but last night he told me the extent of it. He admitted to drinking secretly every day recently, though never at work or before driving. I had no idea as he's always been a binge drinker and he hadn't appeared drunk.
He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go.

What should I do now? Be supportive if he really wants to stop? Or stay true to my word and ask him to go? Either option could make his problem worse, but could also be what he needs to get better. I really don't know what is best for him and our family.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You need legal advice with regards to getting him out of the marital home also. He will most likely than not refuse to leave if you give him his marching orders.

Please also start opening up more to your family members about your H, alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and keeping this quiet is not helping anybody least of all him.

Do not assume that you will not be entitled to any benefits because of your salary particularly if you have not already researched this area at all thoroughly.

[lemonormelon]

Sorry, missed the last few posts writing my essay reply.

Prawn, I did just that. I told him I had been doing a lot of reading and I know I can't help him no matter how much either of us would like that. I told him about the merry go round of denial, it's his issue to tackle but I can get off the roundabout if I want to. I told him I am finding out about what to do to protect myself and DS from this destructive illness.
The self pity 'poor me...' thing resonates with me! Thanks for the link

Rosie, there are definitely other issues. He was diagnosed with depression around a year ago, this masked the drink problem and, to an extent, explained his self medicating with alcohol. However, It was when I first started to think there was a drink problem. He was so mentally unwell at the time that I had to help him. I believed treating the depression was the priority, the drinking was secondary and would probably stop in turn once he got better. I was wrong.
So yes the underlying issues need treated in the long term, but the drink is destroying his, and our lives right now

[lemonormelon]

King I hadn't thought of an au pair, that could be a consideration, thanks

[skyyequake]

If you want him out then wait till he goes down the pub again, pack him a bag and leave it on the doorstep with the door locked/locks changed. I think you said the house is in your name so he has no legal leg to stand on...

[Bogeyface]

Wrong Sky They are married so the house is considered his too, and if he chose to kick off the OP could end up being the one in the wrong.

I wish people would check their facts before advising on here!

[Atenco]

Alcohol is a depressant. He is such a classic alcoholic, everything is everyone else's fault too. Even without the alcoholism that type of person is impossible to have in your life.

[Squeegle]

People who have alcohol problems always have other issues too. But as the partner of one of these people, all you can do and stand firm and say I will support you but only as long as there is no alcohol involved.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Sorry, LoveRosie but you're wrong. It's the substance abuse that's the primary problem. OP's husband may well have depression, but it's the alcoholism that's wrecking his life and his marriage.

Claiming their behaviour stems from deep rooted problems needing extensive therapy is exactly what addicts/alcoholics would like their families to believe, and lots get away with it. The truth is that if you stop drinking many, if not all, your problems will be resolved in a surprisingly quick time. Sure, you get some cases where there really is a big underlying issue - I knew an incest victim for whom AA wasn't enough - but it's not common.

[Linds53]

When my husband was drinking to excess, behaving aggressively and blaming it all on me, I phoned Drink Line in despair, asking how I could go about getting him out the house. I was told he could behave pretty much as he liked in his own home and could only be removed if he became violent. In the end, he did become violent (how lucky am I?) and the police removed him.
In my experience, doctors will not treat alcoholics for depression until they stop drinking as how can they judge how depressed a person is when their brains are addled by alcohol? Anyway, however much pity you might feel for the alcoholic's issues, it shouldn't sway your decision making about what's best for your own health and happiness and those of your child. My number one advice is to tell everyone around you who matters. You need all the practical and emotional support you can get.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

OP, meant to say that ringing his friend was a smart move. If your DH does talk to him, we both know that he'll try to make out it's not that bad. But now this man's heard your version he'll find it easier to cut through your DH's bullshit.

[skyyequake]

Bogeyface I'm sorry! What would you suggest she does then? Op is paying the mortgage and says she can't afford to pay for that and rent somewhere else (and not many people can) so she can't legally get him to leave, but if she leaves him with the house then shes paying for both her new accommodation and for him to still live in the house... Surely there's something she can do so as not to be forced into living with an alcoholic she no longer wants to be with?

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

She needs a solicitor. May have to start divorce proceedings and seek and order to sell the house.

[user1471421772]

Oh gosh lemon. Book an appointment with a solicitor, he needs to be away from you and your DC at the moment until he gets help - at the moment it's clear he doesn't want to get help.
Remember, it's not your fault and you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to - HE has to want to get sober. Sending lots of well wishes your way. Please don't feel you have to stay with him, my best friend's Dad was an alcoholic and she now gets so angry that her Mum stayed with him (she couldn't invite friends over in case he was drunk and embarrassing everyone etc).

[Sameoldnewname]

I dont think I can offer advice so just wanted to send some moral support. I am a bit further along a similar situation to you (I have a post a couple down from yours on the alcohol support board) - tho I was very lucky that I had somewhere else I could go tho so could just get on and do it.. You've had lots of good advice & support on your threads but I know it doesnt make it easy while your stuck in the middle of it😔 Like other posters, my xp got worse after our split & I have now stopped all contact for DC's as the risk of finding him collapsed on the floor is too great & he hasn't followed thru with any arrangements for contact outside of his home. My xp is lucky to be alive however he only sees the negatives & that provides him the excuses he wants to continue drinking. So sad & frustrating. However, since I've left I have found it much easier to let go of the "guilt" of not being able to help him and accept that I can't change him, so it does get easier & ultimately the DCs are better off with the increased stability. Good luck x

[willconcern]

The house is on OP's name so it legally belongs to her. It is not seen as also belonging to him just because they are married.

However it would be seen as a "marital asset" to be taken into account on a divorce - is both OP and her DH would have to declare all their assets as part of financial settlement.

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/property/advice/propertyclinic/9229670/Ask-the-expert-property-ownership-issues.html

[tribpot]

The question was whether OP can unilaterally change the locks and chuck the DH out. The answer is definitely not.

[Bogeyface]

It is the marital home and despite the fact that she is the one who's name is on the deeds and mortgage is irrelevant. It has no bearing on his right to be there, to access the home etc.

For the same reason a married man cannot just chuck his wife out and change the locks if he is the named person, can you imagine how much worse the relationships board would look if that were legal?

[Bogeyface]

Sorry, rogue "despite" in there

[Bogeyface]

sky sorry, I didnt mean to come across as snarky, but I can see that I did and I apologise.

There are legal avenues that the OP can follow, and I would advise her to lawyer up immediately.

[skyyequake]

no worries, I'm just glad there is something OP can do and that a lawyer can help her... I'd hate to think she was somehow stuck living with an alcoholic with no feasible way out!

[theansweris42]

OP how are you? Hope things are okay.

[lemonormelon]

Thanks for asking theansweris42. Since my last post things have taken an expected turn. After a nice, calm alcohol free day on Thursday, DH decided to tell his friends and family via text of his drink problem and some of the things that have happened because of it. This took place on Friday, after which he went on a bender which resulted in me having to miss work to care for DS.
I did not see the big announcement coming. Lots of people have been messaging and calling both of us offering support and his family have been particularly kind to me.
Since Friday he's not had a drink. He's not exactly resolving that he'll never drink again though, I think he's taking it a day at a time.

The thing is now the dust has settled I'm feeling angry, hurt, humiliated and everything else that goes with this territory. I want him to get help and 'recover' but I can't stand to be on this roller coaster that seems bound to crash at every turn.
I called my mum to talk about it. She was unsurprised and very supportive. She has experienced what life is like growing up in an unhappy house (her dad was a gambler and her mum hated him for it but they stayed together 'for the kids') I know she wants me to end it with DH for both mine and DS's sake, but she realises it isn't that easy for me. I hate hurting her (because it must hurt hearing all this) but I'm glad to have spoken about it.

It is my intention to seek legal advice when I have some work and child free time later this week. I need to know where I stand so I can face the future with confidence, no matter what it holds. In the mean time I'll hang on tight because the ride is not over yet

[skyyequake]

oh lemon I'm sorry things have been so difficult

It's good that you have support in the way of your mum. And in a way, it's good that he made that announcement because now it's all out in the open. If you leave now (or soon) his family will probably be annoyed at first (all the "you should be supporting him" BS) but after a while of dealing with your Hs antics they will soon realise why you left.

Plus you will have your own family supporting you so it doesn't matter too much if you have his. Let them deal with him.

Hope things go well with the solicitor

[Squeegle]

Agree with you the roller coaster is the difficult thing. You never know where you are. I am in a similar place - but with xDP. Thank God he is a. Ex though. I'm not sure my sanity could stand it if we were still together.
Please split up; after all, if he becomes sober for a long period there is nothing stopping you getting back together. But living with the roller coaster is just awful. Particularly when you never even asked to get on. .

[Squeegle]

In my experience you are a better support if you are out of the pressure cooker. A bit like on the plane when they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before dealing with your baby's. You have to put yourself first so you can care for the others who depend on you.