DH lost his job because of drink

[lemonormelon]

DH didn't go to work today because he got drunk last night. Although he contacted them to make an excuse for his absence his employer has terminated his temporary contract. I'm unsurprised as it's his third absence in the six weeks he's been employed there.
I'm well aware that he has a problem with alcohol but last night he told me the extent of it. He admitted to drinking secretly every day recently, though never at work or before driving. I had no idea as he's always been a binge drinker and he hadn't appeared drunk.
He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go.

What should I do now? Be supportive if he really wants to stop? Or stay true to my word and ask him to go? Either option could make his problem worse, but could also be what he needs to get better. I really don't know what is best for him and our family.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[Squeegle]

If he is going to do it, there is nothing to say he can't do it elsewhere.

[theansweris42]

Another one agreeing. He's not even done anything like meeting, helplines...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What Kr1stina wrote.

Indeed she does not have to wait around for him to have an epiphany that may not ever happen to him. Some alcoholics do indeed go on to lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

[Kr1stina]

She doesn't need to wait around and see where his rock bottom is . It might be this, it might be two or five years down the line. Things could get worse, a LOT worse. There's a long way down from here .

It's not fair to pressurise her to stay because today or tomorrow or next week might be the day he decides to get sober . Meanwhile her and her kids lives go to hell in a handcart.

They are not actors in the one man show that's an alcoholics life . They are real people , who deserve a decent life now . There's no moral obligation on her to stay " just one more time " and give him " just one more chance " .

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Thing is, User147, that rock bottom is different from person to person. For me it was knowing my marriage was at risk. A lot of people in AA meetings get sober while they still have families around them.

I've heard a lot of sober people over the years describe how losing their job, or being done for drink driving was enough to wake them out of their denial. And these days, for a range of reasons, what we call high rock bottoms are far more common. It's partly to do with greater public awareness that, if you are prepared to go to any lengths, you can get off the booze.

OP knows her own DH and her own heart. Were I in her shoes I think I'd give him a bit of a chance on the basis of AA meetings. If he does take it seriously things could change very quickly.

[theansweris42]

lemon our circs are similar.
My DH has broken promises. He's lied about what steps he would take to deal with drinking.
Whilst your DH has "announced" his problem which is better than you both hiding it, he then went on a bender.
Is he serious? Time will tell.
I'm moving next week to smaller house with DC. H will have chance to address drinking.
If he does we might save our marriage afterwards.
The DC and I deserve a peaceful normal life while he tackles it. And if he doesn't the break will be easier. You deserve that too

[P1nkP0ppy]

BF husband admitted to being an alcoholic after loosing his £280k/pa job and in the intervening 8 years had effectively drunk all their savings.
He's been in private clinics 4 times at £400/night for 8 weeks at a time and nothing has changed. He's been arrested for dv, BF was too frightened to press charges. He had his driving licence removed but he drives her car, it a never ending nightmare.
It's an incredibly bleak picture op, you really must put yourself and the DCs first. My BF's DCs detest him and his behaviour, its destroyed their lives.

[user1471443066]

Hi
I've been reading up on enabling alcoholics this morning and the advice is let them hit rock bottom, do not cushion the fall, because by being kind and supportive you are softening the blow and enabling them to continue in their poor life choices.

There is lots of advice on-line, but the basic message is let them fall hard and then and only then will they choose to change.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I see your DH texting his friends and family to tell them about his drinking and what it's been doing to your lives as massively positive.

OK he went on a bender afterwards but at this stage he doesn't have the insight to see that drink is the root of his problems. He did something that took a lot of courage and then reverted to his crutch.

I'd call it progress. But whether he's going to get sober at home or elsewhere has got to be your call. You have a lot to think about.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You really do need to get off that Merry Go Round Lemon before he really does destroy you and in turn your child through his alcoholism. As I wrote before your own recovery from this will only start properly when you have completely removed yourself from this.

You are simply now adjusting to each crisis he throws in your direction; life with an alcoholic is basically lurching from one crisis to another. He has already caused you problems since his announcement to the world.

Seek legal advice as soon as you are able to do so. Knowledge after all is power.

[Squeegle]

In my experience you are a better support if you are out of the pressure cooker. A bit like on the plane when they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before dealing with your baby's. You have to put yourself first so you can care for the others who depend on you.

[Squeegle]

Agree with you the roller coaster is the difficult thing. You never know where you are. I am in a similar place - but with xDP. Thank God he is a. Ex though. I'm not sure my sanity could stand it if we were still together.
Please split up; after all, if he becomes sober for a long period there is nothing stopping you getting back together. But living with the roller coaster is just awful. Particularly when you never even asked to get on. .

[skyyequake]

oh lemon I'm sorry things have been so difficult

It's good that you have support in the way of your mum. And in a way, it's good that he made that announcement because now it's all out in the open. If you leave now (or soon) his family will probably be annoyed at first (all the "you should be supporting him" BS) but after a while of dealing with your Hs antics they will soon realise why you left.

Plus you will have your own family supporting you so it doesn't matter too much if you have his. Let them deal with him.

Hope things go well with the solicitor

[lemonormelon]

Thanks for asking theansweris42. Since my last post things have taken an expected turn. After a nice, calm alcohol free day on Thursday, DH decided to tell his friends and family via text of his drink problem and some of the things that have happened because of it. This took place on Friday, after which he went on a bender which resulted in me having to miss work to care for DS.
I did not see the big announcement coming. Lots of people have been messaging and calling both of us offering support and his family have been particularly kind to me.
Since Friday he's not had a drink. He's not exactly resolving that he'll never drink again though, I think he's taking it a day at a time.

The thing is now the dust has settled I'm feeling angry, hurt, humiliated and everything else that goes with this territory. I want him to get help and 'recover' but I can't stand to be on this roller coaster that seems bound to crash at every turn.
I called my mum to talk about it. She was unsurprised and very supportive. She has experienced what life is like growing up in an unhappy house (her dad was a gambler and her mum hated him for it but they stayed together 'for the kids') I know she wants me to end it with DH for both mine and DS's sake, but she realises it isn't that easy for me. I hate hurting her (because it must hurt hearing all this) but I'm glad to have spoken about it.

It is my intention to seek legal advice when I have some work and child free time later this week. I need to know where I stand so I can face the future with confidence, no matter what it holds. In the mean time I'll hang on tight because the ride is not over yet

[theansweris42]

OP how are you? Hope things are okay.

[skyyequake]

no worries, I'm just glad there is something OP can do and that a lawyer can help her... I'd hate to think she was somehow stuck living with an alcoholic with no feasible way out!

[Bogeyface]

sky sorry, I didnt mean to come across as snarky, but I can see that I did and I apologise.

There are legal avenues that the OP can follow, and I would advise her to lawyer up immediately.

[Bogeyface]

Sorry, rogue "despite" in there

[Bogeyface]

It is the marital home and despite the fact that she is the one who's name is on the deeds and mortgage is irrelevant. It has no bearing on his right to be there, to access the home etc.

For the same reason a married man cannot just chuck his wife out and change the locks if he is the named person, can you imagine how much worse the relationships board would look if that were legal?

[tribpot]

The question was whether OP can unilaterally change the locks and chuck the DH out. The answer is definitely not.

[willconcern]

The house is on OP's name so it legally belongs to her. It is not seen as also belonging to him just because they are married.

However it would be seen as a "marital asset" to be taken into account on a divorce - is both OP and her DH would have to declare all their assets as part of financial settlement.

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/property/advice/propertyclinic/9229670/Ask-the-expert-property-ownership-issues.html

[Sameoldnewname]

I dont think I can offer advice so just wanted to send some moral support. I am a bit further along a similar situation to you (I have a post a couple down from yours on the alcohol support board) - tho I was very lucky that I had somewhere else I could go tho so could just get on and do it.. You've had lots of good advice & support on your threads but I know it doesnt make it easy while your stuck in the middle of it😔 Like other posters, my xp got worse after our split & I have now stopped all contact for DC's as the risk of finding him collapsed on the floor is too great & he hasn't followed thru with any arrangements for contact outside of his home. My xp is lucky to be alive however he only sees the negatives & that provides him the excuses he wants to continue drinking. So sad & frustrating. However, since I've left I have found it much easier to let go of the "guilt" of not being able to help him and accept that I can't change him, so it does get easier & ultimately the DCs are better off with the increased stability. Good luck x

[user1471421772]

Oh gosh lemon. Book an appointment with a solicitor, he needs to be away from you and your DC at the moment until he gets help - at the moment it's clear he doesn't want to get help.
Remember, it's not your fault and you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to - HE has to want to get sober. Sending lots of well wishes your way. Please don't feel you have to stay with him, my best friend's Dad was an alcoholic and she now gets so angry that her Mum stayed with him (she couldn't invite friends over in case he was drunk and embarrassing everyone etc).

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

She needs a solicitor. May have to start divorce proceedings and seek and order to sell the house.

[skyyequake]

Bogeyface I'm sorry! What would you suggest she does then? Op is paying the mortgage and says she can't afford to pay for that and rent somewhere else (and not many people can) so she can't legally get him to leave, but if she leaves him with the house then shes paying for both her new accommodation and for him to still live in the house... Surely there's something she can do so as not to be forced into living with an alcoholic she no longer wants to be with?