DH lost his job because of drink

[lemonormelon]

DH didn't go to work today because he got drunk last night. Although he contacted them to make an excuse for his absence his employer has terminated his temporary contract. I'm unsurprised as it's his third absence in the six weeks he's been employed there.
I'm well aware that he has a problem with alcohol but last night he told me the extent of it. He admitted to drinking secretly every day recently, though never at work or before driving. I had no idea as he's always been a binge drinker and he hadn't appeared drunk.
He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go.

What should I do now? Be supportive if he really wants to stop? Or stay true to my word and ask him to go? Either option could make his problem worse, but could also be what he needs to get better. I really don't know what is best for him and our family.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You really do need to get off that Merry Go Round Lemon before he really does destroy you and in turn your child through his alcoholism. As I wrote before your own recovery from this will only start properly when you have completely removed yourself from this.

You are simply now adjusting to each crisis he throws in your direction; life with an alcoholic is basically lurching from one crisis to another. He has already caused you problems since his announcement to the world.

Seek legal advice as soon as you are able to do so. Knowledge after all is power.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I see your DH texting his friends and family to tell them about his drinking and what it's been doing to your lives as massively positive.

OK he went on a bender afterwards but at this stage he doesn't have the insight to see that drink is the root of his problems. He did something that took a lot of courage and then reverted to his crutch.

I'd call it progress. But whether he's going to get sober at home or elsewhere has got to be your call. You have a lot to think about.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[user1471443066]

Hi
I've been reading up on enabling alcoholics this morning and the advice is let them hit rock bottom, do not cushion the fall, because by being kind and supportive you are softening the blow and enabling them to continue in their poor life choices.

There is lots of advice on-line, but the basic message is let them fall hard and then and only then will they choose to change.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

[P1nkP0ppy]

BF husband admitted to being an alcoholic after loosing his £280k/pa job and in the intervening 8 years had effectively drunk all their savings.
He's been in private clinics 4 times at £400/night for 8 weeks at a time and nothing has changed. He's been arrested for dv, BF was too frightened to press charges. He had his driving licence removed but he drives her car, it a never ending nightmare.
It's an incredibly bleak picture op, you really must put yourself and the DCs first. My BF's DCs detest him and his behaviour, its destroyed their lives.

[theansweris42]

lemon our circs are similar.
My DH has broken promises. He's lied about what steps he would take to deal with drinking.
Whilst your DH has "announced" his problem which is better than you both hiding it, he then went on a bender.
Is he serious? Time will tell.
I'm moving next week to smaller house with DC. H will have chance to address drinking.
If he does we might save our marriage afterwards.
The DC and I deserve a peaceful normal life while he tackles it. And if he doesn't the break will be easier. You deserve that too

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Thing is, User147, that rock bottom is different from person to person. For me it was knowing my marriage was at risk. A lot of people in AA meetings get sober while they still have families around them.

I've heard a lot of sober people over the years describe how losing their job, or being done for drink driving was enough to wake them out of their denial. And these days, for a range of reasons, what we call high rock bottoms are far more common. It's partly to do with greater public awareness that, if you are prepared to go to any lengths, you can get off the booze.

OP knows her own DH and her own heart. Were I in her shoes I think I'd give him a bit of a chance on the basis of AA meetings. If he does take it seriously things could change very quickly.

[Kr1stina]

She doesn't need to wait around and see where his rock bottom is . It might be this, it might be two or five years down the line. Things could get worse, a LOT worse. There's a long way down from here .

It's not fair to pressurise her to stay because today or tomorrow or next week might be the day he decides to get sober . Meanwhile her and her kids lives go to hell in a handcart.

They are not actors in the one man show that's an alcoholics life . They are real people , who deserve a decent life now . There's no moral obligation on her to stay " just one more time " and give him " just one more chance " .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What Kr1stina wrote.

Indeed she does not have to wait around for him to have an epiphany that may not ever happen to him. Some alcoholics do indeed go on to lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

[theansweris42]

Another one agreeing. He's not even done anything like meeting, helplines...

[Squeegle]

If he is going to do it, there is nothing to say he can't do it elsewhere.