DH lost his job because of drink

[lemonormelon]

DH didn't go to work today because he got drunk last night. Although he contacted them to make an excuse for his absence his employer has terminated his temporary contract. I'm unsurprised as it's his third absence in the six weeks he's been employed there.
I'm well aware that he has a problem with alcohol but last night he told me the extent of it. He admitted to drinking secretly every day recently, though never at work or before driving. I had no idea as he's always been a binge drinker and he hadn't appeared drunk.
He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go.

What should I do now? Be supportive if he really wants to stop? Or stay true to my word and ask him to go? Either option could make his problem worse, but could also be what he needs to get better. I really don't know what is best for him and our family.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[ninjapants]

Thanks theansweris42, I'm glad you kept your resolve and you're starting to feel better, it gives me some hope.
We own our home (well it's in my name but I guess that doesn't count in a marriage). I'm not going because our lives are here, and I couldn't afford to rent and pay the mortgage too, as well as the increased childcare costs if/when we split.

I don't want to cancel tomorrow's plans as its a day out for the DCs with DSIS, BIL and DN and has been planned for ages. DSIS would listen and be supportive I'm sure but my pride is stopping me talking to family. I'm ashamed I've let it get so bad

[LIZS]

Don't be ashamed, this isn't your fault.

[MatildaTheCat]

You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. If it is too hard to say could you send an email to your family telling them in brief terms what is going on? I doubt they will be surprised, nobody is blind to a heavy drinker and they may be waiting for you to confide.

Tell him he has to go, it is such an unhealthy environment for your ds, and you, of course. Maybe tell him to pack and go while you are out tomorrow. Please don't let him come along and pretend everything is fine.

Sending you huge virtual support but please get some in RL.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I'm a long term sober alcoholic and I got sober through AA. I've never met anyone long term sober who didn't do it through AA. AA is free, there are meetings everywhere and there's no waiting list. DH can go to his first meeting today.

I'd suggest you make him staying at home conditional on his attendance at AA meetings.

FruitCider's advice on detox is inaccurate. Most alcoholics can detox at home under medical supervision and there's unlikely to be any wait. Of course this depends on your DH going to his GP and asking for help.

He may not get sober at first, but just attending can ruin an alcoholic's drinking. Once you see the pathology it's hard to pretend you're drinking for pleasure.

If he's drinking daily I don't think there's any doubt your DH is drink-driving. Anyone who gets drunk at night will usually be over the limit the following day. I'd suggest you don't let him drive with your DC in the car

[theansweris42]

I felt ashamed, but we shouldn't. We've tried, that's all.
I understand that you can't leave and it is frustrating (to say the least) for you that H won't at the moment.
We're here for you, please also try SIL.

[theansweris42]

Sorry meant DSIS

[tribpot]

How exactly am I supposed to keep it all together and continue as normal

You aren't. In fact it will be counter-productive to do so.

Addiction thrives on secrecy. This needs to be brought out into the clear light of day. Of course he won't like it but that's not your problem. Please do not cut yourself from support. You have done nothing wrong. The more both of you hide this, the easier it is for him to continue to spiral downwards.

He needs to go. He needs to understand that you have boundaries and that he is risking losing his family if he doesn't address his problem. If he won't leave, can you involve his family to get him out?

[GeorgeTheThird]

He needs to go. Tomorrows outing is irrelevant in the scheme of things. Tell whichever family it is that are coming, and do it today so they know the day out is off. Or let them take your toddler without you, once they know. But he needs to go.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

How about you tell him to phone DSIS and BIL and tell them he is an alcoholic, lost his job because of it and you have asked him to leave, but you don't want the DC to lose out so the day out will still happen but they need to be aware of why there is an atmosphere?

If he won't, then you do exactly that yourself. It give DSIS and BIL time to process the info before they see you. It also re-iterates to DH that you aren't hiding his secrets any more. Everyone will know he is an alcoholic. Everyone will know you asked him to leave and he refused (if he does refuse). Everyone will know he has promised to get help.

Yes, everyday chores and life still exists, the intensity of the moment of truth is gone, but the reality of him being a drinker still exists. Get an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible, even if you don't plan to divorce now, make sure you understand your options. Get yourself to Al-Anon too.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I have been where you are though ExH added an affair in to top it all off. Once he is gone there is a strong chance the level of drinking will dramatically increase as he will no longer need to hide it from you. Please, please think long and hard about how to manage contact with your DC to protect them. I was not aware of how bad the drinking was, but knew it was going on. I raised my concerns that were dismissed until he was caught drink driving with DC in the car, he claimed he was only just over the limit, but in truth he was over twice over the limit and I was so so lucky DC were not injured or killed by his stupidity.

[Squeegle]

Please don't keep it to yourself. It's not your shame. I think it's so hard to be open, but when you are you will feel so much better. At the moment you are trying to cover up his misdemeanours. I was in a similar position. I only started feeling ok when I started being honest with people around me.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I'm with all the people encouraging you to be totally open about this. You have nothing to be ashamed about, poor OP.

It's healthy to tell anyone you see regularly, friends and family, that your DH is a drunk and your marriage is at risk. Anything you do to conceal the truth has the effect of making you a co-conspirator in his drinking.

In an ideal world he'll go to AA and get sober. He can start tomorrow. You can encourage this outcome by being ruthlessly honest and not accepting any excuses.


If he does go, he'll need to go to a lot of meetings, and this means you'll spend a lot of evenings alone. In early sobriety it's normal to go to five a week. It's well worth it. AA changes everything. A sober DH is a lot more than just the man you see today without a drink.

[theansweris42]

How are you OP?
Did you speak with DSIS?

[lemonormelon]

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and support, and thanks to prawn for sharing advice having been on the 'other side'

DH is still living in our house. I'm swinging between wanting to help as he's clearly in a bad place and has a history of depression (I know, I know), and trying to get him to go. I am so angry and disappointed in him, and can't stop myself from telling him so ('this is why I drink, because you won't stop going on at me') but I care for him and hate to see him feeling so bad (I tell him this also).
He says a friend has offered to go to AA meetings with him, he's going to visit him tomorrow to chat about things (friend has experience of dealing with people with addiction issues having worked in that field and grown up with an addicted mother).

I have looked at going to al-anon meetings but there are none in my immediate area and those slightly further afield are at times that I would find it difficult to attend for childcare reasons. Are there any forums that anyone can recommend that offer similar support?

[theansweris42]

I am one in the same/similar circs.
It is REALLY not OK, whetever else, for him to say he drinks because of you!
I too can't get to al-anon because of distance/job/DCs and would be interested in online forums. I've googled lots but don't seem to turn much up.
OP I do understand that you want to help and not make him leave ("kick him when he is down") but - and MNers have kindly spent time telling me that - letting him stay will not help him. May even make it worse for him.
And then, there's YOU and the DC. Living like this is no giid for you and them.
As a start can you move bedrooms and be "seperate" while he starts to look at/work on his drinking?

[theansweris42]

You can't help him, that's the thing.
And no, telling him you're angry and disappointed won't change his behaviour.
That's why distance (even mentally for starters) will help.

[theansweris42]

I'm no expert mind, but I know the position you're in

[DoinItFine]

If he's drinking because of you, best he moves out away from you ASAP.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

lemon

Your H needs to be gone from your house.

The 3cs re alcoholism are also prescient to you:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I would also suggest you read this because you're not the only one featured in this play (the 3 act play that is alcoholism):-

frogpondpickers.com/inspire/merrygoround.htm

Re this comment:-
"He says a friend has offered to go to AA meetings with him, he's going to visit him tomorrow to chat about things (friend has experience of dealing with people with addiction issues having worked in that field and grown up with an addicted mother)"
Why can't your DH go to an AA meeting today on his own?. Why does he seemingly need this friend, that friend could well end up further enabling your H. I think your H is simply paying lip service to his alcohol dependency problem and is not interested in addressing it properly at all.

You are still playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses (enabler, provoker) and your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start when you yourself decide to step off the merry go around.

[Kr1stina]

You need to do both

Tell him to leave AND

Support him from distance

As a PP said, if he's drinking because of you, then being away from you will help him .

You feel powerless because you ARE powerless against alcohol .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

lemon

re your comment:-
DH is still living in our house. I'm swinging between wanting to help as he's clearly in a bad place and has a history of depression (I know, I know), and trying to get him to go. I am so angry and disappointed in him, and can't stop myself from telling him so ('this is why I drink, because you won't stop going on at me') but I care for him and hate to see him feeling so bad (I tell him this also).

This is really Act 2 in the 3 act play that is alcoholism:-

You are The Provoker. This is usually the wife or mother and is a key person in the play.

She is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than
others. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated
drinking episodes; but she holds the family together despite all the
trouble caused by drinking.
In turn, she feeds back in the relationship her bitterness,
resentment, fear and hurt, and so becomes the source of
provocation.
She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; she
sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, but never
forgets.

The attitude of the alcoholic is that his/her failure should be
acceptable, but she must never fail the alcoholic! He/she acts with
complete independence and insists he/she will do as they please.
This character might also be called the Adjuster. She is constantly
adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking.

Act two is now played out in full. Everything is done for the
alcoholic and not by them. The results, effects and problems caused
by drinking, have been removed by others. The painful results of the
drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker. This
permits him/her to continue drinking as a way to solve his/her
problems.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I seem to be the only one who's pleased, but I think this going to AA, talking about it with a friend who may be able to accompany him to his first meetings is really, really positive.

For all those telling OP to chuck the bastard out, would it not be the best solution for her DH to get sober? Chucking him out should be a last resort. As DH is already showing a willingness to change, I'd advise OP to be blunt about not taking any bollocks about his drinking being her fault, but to be hugely supportive about AA meetings.

Don't think he needs to go to a few. I went to 5 a week for the first year. I went on going to meetings for about 10 years. But if he gets sober you get your husband back, and you will be closer than ever.

The other thing is relapses. I've been working with another alcoholic since Christmas and so far he's relapsed 3 times. But he learned from his mistakes and this time, fingers crossed, looks like he's going to make it.

The point I'm trying to make is that it may not run smoothly but as long as he's showing willing, that your family means everything, I'd stick by him.

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

He doesn't look particularly willing to change. Not really. He could have already gone to an AA meeting. If he wanted to. But he doesn't appear to have actually turned up to one yet. It's easy for him to say he'll do something, but I'd be telling him to put his money where his mouth is right about now.

[ScrambledSmegs]

I know you know this but you don't 'make' him drink. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. There will always be a reason for him to drink, even if he had to manufacture one.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Chrissakes, HellsBells, he's only just started. Lost his job: great, that's a big wake up call. But at this point he'll still be genuinely thinking he drinks because of z, y, z. It's not until you get some insight that you understand that it's your responsibility. I believed alcohol was helping me cope with my awful life. It wasn't until I'd become sober that I realised ny life was awful because of the drink.

Lost his job on Friday, off to see a mate about going to AA together tomorrow. I'd say that's not bad going.

If we're looking at weeks later, no meetings, further drunkenness, then think again. But ATM things look hopeful. OP must keep the pressure up, though, or he'll slide back into denial.