Dry 15

[glad2016]

For all those sober, or would be sober, warriors. KOKO (keep on keeping on) lovely people :)

One white. ..sorry you are low. You had been much brighter recently. That's how it is for me too - up and down.
My work is hard this week. I got in after a good ten hours, talked to Dd for half an hour then did more than another 2. I still didn't finish but couldn't face any more.
My worst moments are actually at work when I imagine picking up a couple of bottles of wine on the way home and how I will chat with Dh about my day as the alcohol relaxes me...then I remember I can't. I struggle to unwind enough to chat to DH about work without it.
I read much more than I post...I don't really help anyone much but I want you to know that I feel so proud of all of you whether you are day one or day 201. It's hard - but remember - no matter what stage we are at- we are GOOD parents because we have recognised we need to change for them too and we have made a commitment here to try our best to do it. (and we all shout at our kids occasionally !)
Those who are early on - I promise - it will get easier. It won't solve all your problems and you will have to face them sober but it's so much better.

Headspace main website

Headspace app to download

Enjoy :)

Thanks Glad will take a look and report back

Morning all! No idea why I'm up this early!

What happened to the reading group? Did we start s new thread? I'm enjoying life after life do far, about 1/3 through it, bit I'm not reading as much as I used to! (pre-kids, not pre drinking)

I started it. I found all the dying a bit hard going to be honest Then my kindle and phone mucked up what page I was on. You can imagine how hard it us to try and find the right bit with that particular book!!
I will try to get back to it this weekend. Work is too busy for reading right now.
I did buy the book someone...sorry can't remember who...linked to about drinking, eating and depression because I have issues with all three. The drinking is in hand. I would love the depression to go away but I am sort of happy with the disordered eating (or lack of) because it works...I've never been so thin. I have this little voice which says I will address any food problems once I'm thin...

i've just been woken up by the postman - he's delivered a parcel for exdp. it contains tramadol. i feel sick.

Just chuck it, Buddha. I'm guessing it isn't a prescription? If so, and he needs it for his health, fair enough - but if it isn't, then get rid.

Hello pimp and thank you for your kind words. I think I'm just worn out - kids back at school, both had wobbly weeks and it's been a little chaotic. DH is stressed and he's very distant and a bit snappy. I'm trying just to rise above it all and take care of myself as much as I can, but I am feeling a bit lonely and disconnected from him and our lives. We're very busy - I'd like a bit of one on one time with him, but he's grumpy and exhausted and when he does have the time, tends to be pretty critical or mansplainy and my choices are to ignore it and try to enjoy his company anyway, or avoid him. He can't be told, can't be criticised or asked to apologise himself. I think I will be trying to earn back some basic equality in this relationship for the rest of my life sometimes.

choc I am glad you are still here and things are feeling okay with you. Not perfect, but okay. Things with your DP's family sound pretty dramatic and not that conducive to peaceful not drinking evenings. Do you have to respond to them when they text you? Can you put their messages onto silent or something for a couple of weeks? No point at all in opening yourself up to more hassle during a fragile, hard time of early sobriety. It isn't selfish to do that.

gotta thank you for that. I'm really glad you understand. I guess I just don't know how I got into this mess - I'm not living in a DV situation, we're not destitute, my children are healthy and happy, I like my job and it is secure and pays well - all these things I have, so no excuse at all for what I let my life become. I can see how it would be so easy to hide from extreme difficulty in the bottom of a bottle and I have nothing but respect and care for people who have done that - but that wasn't me. I didn't have extreme difficulty. I guess it all started with the birth of my second - I nearly died and was never right again since - but he's at school now and it's time to get it together.

I'm working at home today. Going to wrap myself up in a blanket and drink mint tea and take a nap in the afternoon and try to take it a bit easy on myself.

Day 1 out of the way here. Usually after a binge I'll be feeling better on day 2 but still feel awful. Barely ate yesterday as no appetite and had the worst nights sleep waking every hour cold but sweating. Called in sick again as I'm in no fit state to work but hopefully if I take care of myself today I'll make it in tomorrow.
Spent most of yesterday pm reading sober blogs and had a long chat with a lady from aa. Planning to go to a meeting at the weekend. DH is being supportive but he's working long hours at the moment so I am lonely. Usually I go into denial after a binge and tell myself it is a one off but it's getting worse, lying to DH, drinking in the morning. Even though I'm pretty sure I will stay off the booze short term I need to address my problem and see going permanently dry as a positive.

Think I will follow your lead with a peppermint tea and a nap later Onewhitepillow.

Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome and words of support yesterday. Hopefully once this nightmare hangover has lifted I'll be able to offer support to others.

Hope everyones ok!
Woke up in a really bad mood. Stayed in bed and put film on for dc like I would if I'd have had a hangover.Yeah dp has told me to just let his family get on with it and eat there own words. I think I will just avoid them they are far from perfect and people forget what I know about them. Not that I'm guna b a blackmailer just think I deserve a little respect from them. Where my parents just leave me to deal with stuff I know they have views on my dp but they respect my desicion.

Need to get up and sort my dc out. Keep telling myself to b happy and me and my dp are fine. Just hard when I now resent his family.

Great reason second to stopping for yourself than to put an end to history repeating itself nobrain. Wonderful you have support from a friend, are you doing anything else support/recovery wise?

No, not really (although friend is also a trained councillor). Still craving really bad, DD started school today and I would kill for some vodka right now but trying to stay strong (plus can't really crack open the booze at work) Still not really talking to DH, I can't be doing with his moods atm.

Dump it Budda and plead ignorance if he comes looking for it. Things go missing in the post all the time.

Sorry you're not feeling any better today newleaf but you will get there. I have had days long hangovers after a proper binge and early sobriety can feel very much like a hangover for a week or two. Give yourself lots of self care. Well done for arranging a meeting for the weekend. It's true that alcoholism is like a train that you can jump off at any stop but gets progressively worse until death. You are getting off at an earlier stage as you recognise how your drinking habits are changing.

If it's one thing I don't like about mn and makes me sigh is the accusations of 'stealth boasting' when people are just saying how things are. one you went through a lot after the birth of your child and that is major. Even if we all had the most perfect lives with nothing to worry about, alcohol is an addictive substance!!! Anyone who drinks runs the risk of becoming addicted in some way or another. Reading between the lines of what you are saying and forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you are heaping all the blame on yourself which from what I've read from your posts seems to be familiar self criticism. We are all flawed and make mistakes but we need to forgive ourselves for the things we cannot change. That sounded very AA there

Yes strong, she is 3 so similar ages. I had looked at a gro clock a few nights ago but not sure it would help as it seems to be more of a comfort thing rather than confusing sleep/wake times. Hope your dc settles down soon too, sleep deprivation is a killer.

Very down myself today, ened up crying doing Headspace. Dd is a shrieking nightmare over everything atm and it's all a fight, three yr olds eh? I miss my ex and keep wanting to message her just to even talk about silly things that have happened.

My back has been extremely sore since yesterday to the point I went out and bought Nurofen plus. Used to take kapake 30s the odd time for it but ran out and haven't taken anything strong in ages. Didn't think much of the codeine in it when I bought it until I went to stand up and quite enjoyed that warm woozy feeling. That worried me a bit so I'm putting myself on strict conditions only when very painful and occassionally.

Feeling done in and fed up with everything.

keep on choc you're doing really well. Do whatever you have to do to keep your life calm and peaceful for the time being. Not always easy where kids and family are concerned - I know!

newleaf peppermint tea is dead good if your digestion is a little battered - it sorts me right out whenever I am feeling anxious or queasy or a bit bleaugh after a heavy meal (and good on long lasting hangovers...). Did you manage to get a nap?

nobrain stay strong. You will get there! I still get cravings but they are less and less and every time I say no to that bit of myself, my self esteem grows a little bit. It really does.

pimp you have it perfectly, as usual. Lots of up and down. I suppose that is actually what life is like for most people, and I'm just learning to deal with it sober. Trying to roll with the punches and accept it all for what it is. Not easy, but it will do me good to learn some patience and acceptance.

tattoos you are doing so well. Of COURSE you miss your partner. Loneliness is a big trigger for me too, I am learning. It is fucking hard and you are rocking this like a champ. We are all in your corner. Hope the sleep gets better too.

How the hell are you strong and finnish and everyone else I've missed? Is lucy back from her holidays yet?

I'm still not feeling great. A bit lonely, a bit sad. Just want a laugh and a bit of a cuddle and some attention from DH. Want to be babied a bit. He's exhausted and stressed and taking it out on us all - including the kids. He kicked something today, and broke it, then told one of the kids it was their fault. I had a chat to DC afterwards - saying they need to do as he asks, but there are lots of ways to be angry and how he chooses to express his anger is never their fault or responsibility. Now he feels undermined and is stamping about ignoring me. UGH.

Yoga and headspace again for me as soon as they are settled in bed. I've kept it up for two weeks now and I am, despite feeling blue these last couple of days, noticing the benefits to my body and mind. I do feel less reactive and in our house right now, that's a benefit.

Hello all, marking my place in new thread, hello to old and new alike, the strength on this thread is amazing, myself coming up to 5 months on the 12th September, in danger zone again as now and again think lots about drinking again, but have not, think it is the sunshine!

Annoying day at work today. Usually I would have most of a bottle of wine quickly, still dry though. Made a nice dinner as soon as got through the door- kids were told to go and play which amazingly they did on their own. Shower, work emails then bed with my book. My cravings are only a few seconds now. I'm not out of the woods yet so still vigilant. Reading previous dry threads and up to 9 now.

journey 5 months is amazing. Keep up the good work!

onewhite sympathy with the OH thing. It's hard to look after each other with children and work and everyday stresses I think. Hope you can relax this evening.

Keep strong journeyon and well done.

I'm about 60% of way through Life after Life but suspect I could probably do with reading it again as my concentration isn't what it normally is

Not the best of days mood wise but still sober. Off to go and learn some beginner Italian

Have a peaceful night all.

I was sat down this evening, got up and made some drinks got my lb one aswel.
I felt quite sad when I returned from the kitchen and gave lb his drink and he turned round and said mummy what are you and dad drinking I replied juice like you. He said good because beer isn't good it makes people shout! ! I then replied mummy and daddy love eachother and you and your ds there will be no more beer in this home anymore. Oh my have I damaged him??

choc children can be very astute with their observations but i doubt very much you have damaged him. You've made the best decision to remove alcohol from the table and family life can only improve as a result. He Kinect yourself.

Eh? Be kind to yourself. Phone is clearly pissed (I'm not!)

choc gotta put it perfectly. :)

to everyone having a tough time right now.

Not alot going on Chez Slim. Except that a good friend of DH's is staying with us for a few days. He's sober. Has been for years. And I never noticed!

He is just very matter of fact about it. I can certainly take lessons- but I may NOT model his habit of drinking 3 banana and icecream milkshakes a day!!!!

Morning all!

Today I am mainly very sore, in that lovely nice I really went for it at Yoga on wednesday way .

Last night exDP phoned to ask about still seeing the children, which is nice after so many years together. I told him to think of something to do with them, then ring them up. I have reassured them that he still wants to see them, but to be honest, he ignored them when he was here (we didn't live together - which should have told me something after 9 years!) so they're not very interested in him.

It's difficult, because they know I'm sad he left me, so they may be just trying to make me feel better - it's really hard, I don't want to push them to see someone that never was very interested, but maybe I need to push them a bit first, just so they know it's ok?

Eating is going much better now - and I'm really enjoying the new slim me! I think I've recovered myself enough to eat to maintain my current weight/maybe lose a little gradually, which is where I want to be.

Sorry! None of this is drinking related - just doing a brain dump!

Anyway - still here, still sober! Yey me!

lol Slim - the banana milkshake thing sounds annoying! hope he cleans up the blender himself!

hugs Choc - Sounds like you've a sweet family

one - have you done any reading around PAWS? I'm wondering if part of the problem is your rebalancing brain (however, my exh was very similar, with the blaming and breaking things/punching walls. In the end I figured he was actually an abusive bully, and I left him. which was the best thing I ever did...)

I've noticed that I sometimes get PMT, and when I do I can be very very upset with people - but it doesn't happen in months when people around me are behaving reasonably - so I've figured I just have less tolerance for shit on those days...

Hi finnish. I've read about PAWS in that I know what it is, but not to the extent that I know what to do about it, other than take care of myself and try to let it pass.

It's really hard. I think for a lot of the time with DH my feelings about the way be behaves are totally dismissed - I'm wrong or unreasonable because I'm pissed or hungover, or because I have PTSD or PND, or because I'm hungry or tired or have PMT - or now, because I have PAWS (I know you're not saying that, friend - but it is how things have been in our relationship).

I guess I am saying I am finding it very hard to trust my own judgement. I feel angry at him. I am sitting here crying because he was so cold and mean to me last night, and refused to apologise to me - his exact words were 'I've behaved in an exemplary fashion this past few days and you don't know what you're talking about'. And this morning he woke up and got out of bed without looking at or speaking to me. It feels like a punishment. It feels like nothing I do will ever, ever be good enough - and I really don't think I've done anything wrong.

I know everyone thinks that their partner is the problem. I know EVERYBODY thinks they are the one being reasonable and calm and adult, and the idiot in their relationship is their DH. I also know I can be over sensitive and snappy and we're both under a lot of stress. But I think he's behaving awfully and it is making me really sad and upset. He seems utterly incapable of looking at this situation from anyone else's point of view. I feel angry.

It's rare I've wanted to drink in the morning - even when I was drinking full time. But I do feel like it now. I am going to have a cry in the shower then get the kids sorted out.

It's been a weird stressful week it was last fri we got drunk together and I didn't go home with him, I think it's made him realise what he wants, he is kissing me again and it's nice to feel wanted of God how many year's of feeling pretty unwanted by him. Maybe that's drink related. I'm pissed off coz of the years we have wasted being mad at eachother. But hey I feel like a weights been lifted we have said so many times that we will stop drinking but I know this time it's for real.
I just want to stay in bed tho and not face the world. I can't shake that feeling off. Don't want to bump into people I know.

That sounds awful and borderline abusive one. I hate dealing with people who have that level of certainty that it's my fault - because I believe them for so long...

But you know that it's not OK to kick things and blame the kids, you are the one in the right here. I think that's a violent act.

ExH (who I left 10 years ago when the kids were very little) did similar things - I felt really trapped because I couldn't trust him alone with the kids, but didn't want to deprive them of a father - but in the end I did leave, and that forced him into therapy. He's much better now, and the kdis have a lovely relationship with him, and we're actually good co-parents...

It's rare he's like this - he's exhausted - absolutely knackered - and very stressed, over things that aren't his fault. I wish he could say, 'you know what, I've been like a bear with a sore head these past couple of days - I'm knackered. I'm taking today off and going to bed early,' and that would be totally fine. The problem is he thinks his shouting and stamping and sulking would all be sorted if me and the kids could just behave ourselves - I'm not mind-reading, that's what he says. And that makes me so angry, but if I show him I am angry, it escalates (I just mean - we have an argument - neither of us are ever violent) and then we only talk about how unreasonable I am to be angry, and how I need to do better, etc etc etc. It's a pattern - if I have an issue with his behaviour, we end up speaking about mine - so I have to try to be on best behaviour all the time in order to get any equality from him, and it doesn't work, and I am sick of it.

I have to get up. If I do, I face his sulking. If I don't, he'll sulk more because I didn't help enough with the kids this morning.