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Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

508 replies

breakfastatchanel · 04/09/2016 21:42

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

OP posts:
zoobeedoo · 05/09/2016 12:53

And in the OP the person engaging in consensual sex did not at any point say it was not ok or pull away or indicate that it wasn't acceptable. Both are responsible.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 12:55

Zoo

At the point of penetration, she was not given that choice. That is shitty behaviour on the part of the man.

RebelRogue · 05/09/2016 12:56

Please ask some assault victims (I'm one of them), you will know if you're raped there and then

Actually some don't. While the law has updated and recognises all instances of rape(underage,drunk,date,marital etc), some mentalities haven't. Many women come on online forums to ask advice for their relationship and to their shock,figure out they are being raped by their partner. There is so much victim blaming going on,that many times said victim does not realise she is a victim. There's just a niggling feeling at the back of their head that it was wrong.

Smartleatherbag · 05/09/2016 13:03

A guy assuming it's ok to have sex without mentioning condoms is A Bad Thing.

zoobeedoo · 05/09/2016 13:18

But she had the choice to tell him to stop and she didn't. She pretended it was ok. She chose to engage.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 13:24

Yes, she did, after the point of penetration, and she's not said that he did anything wrong at that time.

The focus is on the moment he penetrated her without warning and without a condom. That was an act without consent; consent to oral sex does not include consent to sex.

She could reasonably have expected that, as he was a new partner, he would stop to at least ask about condom use, if nothing else!

As for the poster who mentioned the femidom - again, eh? Yes, had OP been intending to have PIV, or had the man said, "shall I put a condom on?", she could've said, "no, I've got a femidom" or whatever. But she was not given the chance and choice to do this.

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 13:34

I'm sorry for your experience but this isn't true for all victims, not by a long shot. For example, many still believe a husband can't rape a wife.

Thanks and agreed
But this morning while messing about with Dh I went on with penetration without asking him and no I don't think I should have asked him, he knew what we were getting into when starting off in the first place
Do you think it's fair he turns around 2 years later as part of divorce proceeding to accuse me of rape? All I know is that he didn't say no

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 13:36

At the point of penetration, she was not given that choice. That is shitty behaviour on the part of the man.

Ok but she could have said No!

EttaJ · 05/09/2016 13:40

Ffs. Calling this man a rapist is utterly fucking ridiculous. I'm shocked by some of the comments but I guess I shouldn't be. I agree with you both zoobee and jiggly

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 13:40

OP is not talking about filing a rape. Charge. Nor is she talking about a husband.

She is discussing a sexual situation that felt wrong to her.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 13:43

If that's aimed at me, I haven't called him a rapist. I would not advise OP to pursue a charge of rape (and the thread isn't about that).

Were she to do so and the matter get to court ;unlikely) his defence would be that he believed he had consent and I expect a jury would not consider they could reject that defence beyond reasonable doubt

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 13:45

However, he did not have that consent. And nor did he take steps to check that he did. Or protect his sexual partner from pregnancy or STDs, or check that she was protected or happy to take the risk.

The onus is on the person initiating a sexual act to get consent, and he did not do this.

loobyloo1234 · 05/09/2016 13:57

I've not RTWT but I will say, from the first few posts by the OP, I feel this thread insults real victims of Rape/Assault - what happened to the OP was neither of those things

LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 13:58

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NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 13:58

I am pretty sure a bit percentage of us have had someone penetrating while foreplaying without 'asking first' and I'm pretty confident most of us have said "wait! Put condom on"..... It's that simple !

LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 13:59

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LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 14:01

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loobyloo1234 · 05/09/2016 14:02

Ladyinthe Radiator

The thread title - is was this rape sexual assault. As I said, I have read the OP's posts, just not the replies. So I have answered the threads title

EttaJ · 05/09/2016 14:04

No jacquetta it was ladyradiator that stated it was rape.

I disagree, she has equal responsibility to protect herself. Instead she pretended to enjoy it and be happy about it. Her error not his. Like has been said, he is not telepathic. How is he supposed to know she's faking it. Showing no sign of distress, in fact quite the opposite.

Ask this poor guy now and he would no doubt be absolutely fucking horrified to hear all this. As far as he was concerned he had sex with a very willing partner. She gave the impression that she was enjoying it as much as he was.

It is her body and therefore ultimately her responsibility to protect herself from disease and pregnancy. Not some ONS who has no idea that his partner of choice is actually faking it.

LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 14:05

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LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 14:07

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loobyloo1234 · 05/09/2016 14:10

I have said I have read OP's posts, why do I need to read anyone else's to answer her question? Hmm

LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 14:11

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LadyintheRadiator · 05/09/2016 14:16

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EttaJ · 05/09/2016 14:17

ODFO ladyrad I have both, all grown up doing very well and not pretending to enjoy sex then asking if it was anything other. Don't try to deflect. You called a man who simply had sex a rapist . I'd hate to think of one of my DS being accused by someone such as the OP who pretends to enjoy sex on a ONS then does this. That said my DC would all use protection so the lack of condom is the only thing he was guilty of and so was she for letting him carry on.