Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

[breakfastatchanel]

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

There's an assumption here that if the op had asserted herself, he would have stopped, and full of regretful apologies. This is being used as a stick to beat her.

Agreed. But what's even more weird about this line of thought is that even if she did assert herself and say no, it would have been too late, as he'd already shoved his penis into her without her knowing he was going to do it.

I don't get it.

Well he can't fucking win now can he. Apparently even if she had managed to stop pretending to enjoy herself and said no or stop he may have carried on!!!!

Consent is when you say no either beginning middle or end.

Consent is when you say YES, BEFORE the act takes place.

How can you think it's anything else?

Why are posters so invested in defending a man who's behaviour was shitty and disrespectful at best? He put the OP in a position where she would have had to attempt to stop an act that was already happening, which some women would understandably find difficult to do when he could have just checked it was ok in the first place. Some of the comments on here are bloody awful.

It's a bit like, say a man was giving a woman oral sex or touching her with his hands, and then he told her to close her eyes. And then shoved his penis in her mouth.

Would that be OK?

It's a bit like

I went into a restaurant, I ordered a salad. I ate the salad.
I didn't like it or enjoy it but I pretended to and I ate the lot. Should the restaurant have charged me for it? Did they rip me off?

Aye I would go to the police and report it. I was not a strong person when I was young but if I knew it was wrong then I would report it.

Did the op like this person to begin with. Did she feel used after?

No Etta, it's more like

I went to a restaurant and ordered a rabbit meat dish. They brought it out and i bit into it and realised it was chicken, not rabbit.

I didn't complain at the time, but should they have sneakily given me chicken when they knew I wanted rabbit?

The analogies are very witty.

Cross-posts

Buffy's is better

I like Buffy's analogy.

And even in a long term relationship, I still ask, "is this ok? Can I do this now? Do you want me to do that?" before initiating something.

My wife has never done this, even at the beginning of our relationship.

I'm actually struggling to remember if we have ever gotten explicit consent from each other before having sex, it'd certainly put a dampener on proceedings.

"But do you accept your part in it. If you had said no when you first felt uncomfortable rather than pretending to enjoy yourself you wouldn't need to have to deal with this inner turmoil.

You need to not have sex with anyone until you've worked out that saying no and maybe causing a moments embarrassment is preferable, more responsible and far more sensible than staying quiet or, which I find more bizarre, pretending to enjoy it. "

What 'inner turmoil'? Me putting up with sex acts I wasn't really enjoying is a separate issue from him penetrating me with his penis when I had no opportunity to give consent. That's why I've said this whole time in several posts that I don't think he did anything wrong by carrying on a sex act when I was pretending it was ok and that's why I'm not questioning that and that is not what the issue is to me (anyone wishing to discuss that issue either way feel free but please understand it is a separate issue to one that I am actually wanting to discuss and actually think is an issue. I've already stated what I think about the rest of it in a few different posts) that is separate from the issue of I'm talking about him piv sex when I couldn't consent. Whether I was pretending the stuff before that was ok or whether I was genuinely enjoying it is besides the point. At the point he didn't even know if I would consent to piv sex or not and he did not give me an opportunity to consent as I didn't know and couldn't see what he was doing until it was too lat as I've explained in quite graphic detail earlier. 'My part' is non existent in that instance and as the two issues are separate. It was my fault I let him carry on the sex after it happened and it was my fault I let him do the foreplay when I wasn't enjoying it. That's the way I see it at least to a large or certain extent but that is what I have clearly maintained nothing to the contrary throughout this whole thread and have clearly stated multiple times that is not the issue in question (although again I would be happy for people to discuss that as well just not confuse the two issues anymore please like I'm questioning something which I;m not or like they are connected in ways they simply are not).

"You classify him as a rapist cause he didn't put a condom on?"

He didn't know if I wanted to have piv sex with him or not. I think some people are saying that issue about the no condom just makes it worse (that's what I think anyway not sure what others are saying). And also as someone stated a while back the no condom issue may have been his motivation to 'surprise' me like/engage in piv sex the way he did as maybe he knows he didn't have a condom or maybe he just wanted to have unprotected sex and he knew I'd likely say no to that more likely than saying no to piv sex altogether that may have been what motivated to it like that but who knows.

@myownperson - thank you for replies. Not sure if you've left the thread yet or not but thanks I agree with a lot of what you said. your posts make sense. and thank you for the support as well :)

Sorry Buffy but can I say that example isn't relevant because chocolate cake rarely follows salad. In fact not many women who eat salad scoff chocolate pudding ever. I know this because I get to make up the rules of which course comes next.

My dd just said,

You don't know how hungry you'll be when you go to a resteraunt and you and your partner don't pre order, you think you'll see how it goes and choose course by course, the starter and the main is a bit crap but you eat it because you don't want to be rude, you think to yourself that you don't actually want desert but your partner is enjoying it so you pretended to enjoy it too so and decide you will have desert but only if it's apple crumble, five minutes later a cake arrives, your partner has gotten you the desert he wants, a desert that you don't eat, if you got to see the menu and this is what you were expected to eat then you just wouldn't have had a desert, but it's here now, it's ordered and you partner is loving it, so you feel bad, rude and maybe ungrateful for saying you don't want it, so you pretend it's ok, but you feel kind of angry that he didn't show you the menu because then you wouldn't have felt like you had to eat a cake you would never have agreed to have had you been asked.

So e people would chuck the cake back at him, some people would have left when the main was crap, some people would not eat any of it and say no, some people might ask if their partner would like to swap it for something else, or some people may eat it to be polite, neither reaction is wrong, and had the menu been shown it wouldn't have been an issue at all. Some people like cake, some don't, asking first makes sense.

OP I think you have had a whole load of shitty replies. I don't know any decent man who would presume oral sex = consent to sex without a condom. There is no sex act that automatically leads to another especially when a partner is new.
Women being apparently passive when faced with sexual situations that they aren't enjoying is normal something that social conditioning and fear of inflaming a situation often leads to.
There is ambiguity in some sexual stuff - most of us get left with some stuff to work through or rethink. I hope the thread hasn't made you feel worse about something you were doing ok with- can't believe some of the posts:(

Having resorted to a large glass of wine I'm going to drop out of any further attempts at witty analogies.