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Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

508 replies

breakfastatchanel · 04/09/2016 21:42

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

OP posts:
bloomburger · 05/09/2016 20:35

I teach my son no means no, even when he is tickling his younger sister. If she's laughing and joining in how the fuck is he supposed to know she's not a willing participant.

The OP willingly got undressed, allowed the male to perform oral sex on her (which yes IMO is more intimate) and carry on with condomless penetration once she realised it had happened all the while pretending to enjoy herself.

No rape/sexual assault has taken place and do the 'we believe you' cause is moot in this case.

Report away too.. As far as I am aware (and I've been here 14 years so have a pretty good idea) I've not breached any talk guidelines just because you happen to disagree with my point of view.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 20:38

What I'm explaining is it should start when they are young. I don't feel sorry for the men that get themselves in that situation. The footballer what ever his name is Ched Evans I don't want him playing football he is not a role model.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 05/09/2016 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 20:47

OP as another PP said there is a risk when you have sex with someone you don't know. No it's not rape, it's not assault but it's not ideal either as what's consent for his is not consent for you

Hence the reason you should invest in getting to know someone before continuing to sexual relations
Take it this way it could have been worse!

myownperson · 05/09/2016 20:51

Hence the reason you should invest in getting to know someone before continuing to sexual relations

Fucking hell. Seriously?!

breakfastatchanel · 05/09/2016 20:52

Also, I don't have any desire or intention of prosecuting even if everyone said it was definitely rape and regardless of what the law said. But that's not relevant to the discussion anyway and is another matter.

I know what he did wasn't right. I'm not calling it anything else as I still not sure. But reading these comments of people reasons for arguing why it was fine etc. don't actually make sense and a lot of them aren't actually addressing what I'm saying the issue was even and making an argument from that so that's one reason why a lot of these arguments don't make sense. The other cases where I don't agree are where people are saying that one sex act implies consent to the next in itself which I know is not true, instead of actually discussing whether he had reasonable belief that he had consent to the piv sex in regards to the situation I have described. So with some people that seems to be the fundamental disagreements which is likely going to stop us from getting any further in a discussion with each other? I'm not putting words in anyone's mouth I'm saying what it clearly seems like you're saying and then asking you (hence the ?) if that is in fact what you mean. That's a question and an understandable one as that is the line of reasoning it seemed you and some others are having.

OP posts:
JigglyPuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 20:52

I've come back to a dress OP.

OP I believe it happened, I believe you are upset about it, I believe you can self perceive that your are a victim of sexual assault. I don't believe the man in this scenario is a rapist.

I'm not fatigue you can't feel bad, I'm not saying you can't feel horrified and hard done by, what I am saying is, from what you have explained imo it does not make the man who had perceived enjoyable intercourse with you a rapist.

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 20:54

Yeah seriously myownperson
Have you heard of getting to know someone first before fucking them?

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2016 20:56

The OP willingly got undressed, allowed the male to perform oral sex on her (which yes IMO is more intimate) and carry on with condomless penetration once she realised it had happened all the while pretending to enjoy herself.

Right. So assuming all this happened, but 'once she realised it had happened' she yelped, said "get off me, you've not got a condom on and I'm not risking pregnancy and STDs and I don't want to have sex like this, I'm not enjoying it, wasn't expecting it and I wouldn't have given consent if I'd known", then would you admit that the man had pretty awful sexual etiquette at best, and that it could be considered assault?

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 20:58

awful sexual etiquette at best
Yes I agree with that although ive agreed with Jiggly all along
He's definitely an idiot no question there, the way he put it in, the fact that he didn't protect even himself with a condom, but not a rapist!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 21:00

Consent is when you say no either beginning middle or end. You didn't enjoy it your allowed to have you're feelings about that. I wouldn't make it a big issue. Learn from it and teach the next generation.

JigglyPuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 21:02

Sorry for the typos. I type in different languages and my autocorrect hates me!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 21:02

Op you could have had clamidya or HIV he didn't care about his life. You never know he might have children in every city.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 21:04

You never know you might see him on Jeremy Kyle. One of my ex's was on that show.

myownperson · 05/09/2016 21:06

Have you heard of getting to know someone first before fucking them?

Apart from the sheet fuckwittery of such a question, it reveals a terrible misunderstanding of how many sexual assaults and rape happen. Its not the point but it's also personally quite upsetting and I'm out.

OP, you've expressed yourself well and I hope you find some responses useful.

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2016 21:06

Consent is when you say no either beginning middle or end.

You keep saying this, but that's not what consent is.

bloomburger · 05/09/2016 21:07

But do you accept your part in it. If you had said no when you first felt uncomfortable rather than pretending to enjoy yourself you wouldn't need to have to deal with this inner turmoil.

You need to not have sex with anyone until you've worked out that saying no and maybe causing a moments embarrassment is preferable, more responsible and far more sensible than staying quiet or, which I find more bizarre, pretending to enjoy it.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 21:09

Someone has to say something and yes it is. God gave us a mouth to speak and express ourselves if you don't like something you say no.

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2016 21:09

He's definitely an idiot no question there, the way he put it in

But what's wrong with how he put it in?

Given you see no problem with the fact the OP had no idea he was about to do that, and absolutely didn't want his un-condomed penis in her vagina, but he thought he'd 'surprise' her. What else do you think is wrong with that?

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2016 21:11

I can't keep up with the fuckwittery on this thread Confused

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 05/09/2016 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iminshock · 05/09/2016 21:13

Agree with Jiggly.

iminshock · 05/09/2016 21:15

WHY did you pretend to enjoy yourself ?

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 21:15

But what's wrong with how he put it in?

Given you see no problem with the fact the OP had no idea he was about to do that, and absolutely didn't want his un-condomed penis in her vagina, but he thought he'd 'surprise' her. What else do you think is wrong with that?
Ehhhh he didn't put condomHmm haven't we said it enough times? You classify him as a rapist cause he didn't put a condom on?

NotWorkingMuch · 05/09/2016 21:16

You keep saying this, but that's not what consent is.
What is it then?