Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

[breakfastatchanel]

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

She might have described herself in that way in a post where she's trying to make sense of a lack of consent, maybe a time of a lack of self esteem. Its deeply deeply unpleasant to pick up in it and use it to make a point.

She has not said she was raped or assaulted. She doesn't blame him it was a question and she doesn't see herself as a victim. Some of these posts are distressing now.

I specifically said that I wouldn't advise the OP to pursue this legally, if that had been her question, Xenophile...

But why should Blue let the facts get in the way of a good brain fart?

Of course you are. "I pretended to enjoy and fully participated in sex but inwardly thought otherwise, I'm a rape victim, aren't I?" Of course you were, anyone who says otherwise is a 'non believer'.

I notice you never answered my question. If a man were to make the same claim about you would you believe yourself to be a rapist and deserving of the societal, familial and social consequences arising from that? Would you consider your lack of mindreading skills deserving of a prison sentence?

Of course you'll ignore my question because you wouldn't think of yourself as a rapist for lack or psychic ability. That only applies to men.

Are some of you entirely incapable of understanding why the man should ask for consent before he sticks his dick in someone on a first meeting? Even when others have patiently pointed out why that is and why oral sex isn't and shouldn't be considered automatic consent to PIV or anal sex? Evidently so. I suggest you do some fucking research before you tell your precious sons they are A-OK to penetrate a woman without consent. Because they might wind up in trouble if they do that. Nasty ignorant idiotic victim blaming shit. Fuck right off with it.

We Believe You is always relevant.

I would be horrified if someone I'd had casual sex with at uni said, "you know that time in first year when we went to bed? Actually I wanted to stop but didn't know how to tell you..."

I would make damn sure I checked on any sex I had after that and I would apologise profusely to the other party. I'd take a damn hard look at myself.

Why, wouldn't you, Blue?

OP, I doubt this thread is helping you now, but I hope you've got something from it. Take care

And even in a long term relationship, I still ask, "is this ok? Can I do this now? Do you want me to do that?" before initiating something.

I hope that answers your question, however irrelevant it was to the OP, Blue. I'm still waiting for one of the "auto-consenters" to answer as to whether a woman needs to specifically rule out anal in advance, but I suspect I may be waiting a while, and real life waits for no woman.

Ta ra.

Do you give them a consent form too?

Yes, OP I'm going to bow out as I don't want to turn this thread into a mega bunfight and I am angry at some of the attitudes expressed here. Hopefully all the victim blamers will fuck off too, but I'd quite understand if you've hidden this thread.

I believe you

Blue don't joke mate, if I was a man reading this I'd defitely print a form and carry it with me- either this or getting locked in cause someone was too embarrassed to say no!

I watched on the tele that a man after he was accused and been found not guilty makes sure women sign a consent form. We live in one fucked up society and its survival of the fittest. I have been sexually assaulted and I did report that to the police but nothing happened after my word against his.

Any man who thinks a woman signing a consent form would legitimately get him off a sexual assault or rape charge is a rapist waiting to happen

When you are having PIV sex from behind, and either enjoying it or faking an orgasm, does that mean you give consent for whomever you're having sex with to shove his cock up your ass?

Can all the people saying how this poor boy did nothing wrong whatsoever please answer this question?

Why these threads bash mums when they talk about there sons they post fuck off. It's distasteful and not very helpful we are here to help and educate each other. Why not post boys should learn from a young age about empathy and how to talk and treat girls. How will things improve if all we do is tell each other to fuck off. I don't get it.

Jizzo many (most?) women wouldn't have sex with someone new without a condom or being on the pill.

This man didn't give her that option.

So the question is entirely relevant.

Hap he was on tele he never raped her it was someone else. Didn't anyone watch it or was it just me.

Blueshoes - you are not even talking about the same thing as me. Did you read my posts? I'm not talking about him doing whatever whilst I didn't say anything. I'm am talking about the moment where he penetrated me without my consent. Come back when you actually know what your talking about please so we are at least all having the same discussion even if we may still disagree at that point still. You actually inadvertently agreed with the people you are disagreeing with by what you said about consent.

Someone made some good points about if he had already penetrated anal sex from behind when I had no way to consent until after it had already happened then would the people making arguments about sex act leading to another be saying the same thing? Like someone said if I was giving my partner oral for example and suddenly rammed a dildo up his anus with no warning or opportunity for him to give consent then I would think of myself as a rapist in some way or at least something similar. And it doesn't matter what my intentions were or whether I thought it was okay if I did something like that. No it wouldn't be as bad as other cases like clear violent rape or prolonged rape after they have been asked to stop. but no ones comparing any one case to another. And it wouldn't make a difference whether he didn't say anything and let me carry on or if he asked me to stop. The point is I had already started as in not just he could feel it about to penetrate but that I had already penetrated him. Obviously this is just an example for sale of argument and I would never do that (if I actually was into 'anal play'', which I'm not, then if I didn't ask him verbally or make some way so he'd at least know what I was going to do so could consent. My point is just that you have to gain consent in some way, whether it verbal or just suggesting physically so they can see what you are doing before you actually do it.(as others have said this may vary in relationship where there are already expected boundaries and routine or whatever but there would surely still be things which wouldn't be part of that. For example some partners are ok with initiating sex acts while the other is asleep as it is previously agreed upon in the relationship but in some relationships it hasn't been and obviously not in a one night stand for example). In that case as its from behind and never done before I would verbally ask same as the guy in my situation should have either said something before suddenly penetrating so I'd turn around to see what he was about to do or turned me around so I could see that way which is what I'd assume would happen. He didn't even begin to penetrate slowly but even that would have been bad. But in my case there was no warning at all for the piv sex and that is all talking about. Not what happened before and not what happened afterwards. It's not that difficult to comprehend what I'm actually talking about. I've said it enough times as well as others reiterating what we're talking about).

I know Jigglypuff has read my posts which explain exactly what happened and exactly what I'm saying the issue was. But they don't believe me. With others saying similar arguments and ignoring what I'm actually talking about or what happened I don't know what the deal is with what you've read and you believe but at the moment some people are still misunderstanding what the issue or are just not addressing it is so until we are all discussing the same thing we're definitely not going to get anywhere whether we all ultimately agree or not. At the moment there seems to be a big lack of clarity on that and confusion from a couple of people. I have already stated what the issue is clearly in posts after my OP.

Also thanks the replies there are so many I don't have time to reply to all individually. Some I want to thank and/or discuss/reply to. And then a couple of comments from others which make no sense and some comments I won't bother responding to at this point.

Sunshine because a man or a boy are at more risk of being assaulted by another man,than being victim of a fake rape allegation. Because their daughters are at more risk if being raped,than their sons being falsely accused of rape.
Because why does every thread about rape or consent have to be about the poor men?

Sunshine it doesn't matter - if a man thinks that a woman signing a consent form means he can't rape or sexually assault her then he completely misunderstands the meaning of consent in sexual situations

Edit: actually I'm not sure if Jiggly believes what actually happened or not but I'm pretty sure they read it. JizzOmellete said they don't believe me. And also said they think even if they did they'd think the same which seems to be something along the lines of one sex act automatically means consent for another? From what I can gather.

Anyway.

Consent is when you say no either beginning middle or end.

OP you have explained things just fine. Plenty of us understand the circumstances and the issue perfectly. Sorry you have had to read many of the comments here.