Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

[breakfastatchanel]

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

This thread is really interesting, though I'm quite perturbed by some of the posts that seem to suggest that blame the OP for feeling uncomfortable about the scenario. I find the condom part most worrying also.

I'm repeating PPs here, but there seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the issue of consent.

1. Did the OP have the freedom and capacity to consent?

She clearly feels she didn't have the freedom to consent.

1. Did the man have reasonable belief that she consented?

Unless the OP sounded really enthusiastic, then no he didn't.

You'd be hard-pushed to get a conviction on what you've said OP (I'm taking a guess that there was something more either about the situation or the man involved that confounded your ability to be more assertive), but those are the facts.

To all those people worried about false accusations, it's really quite simple. If you treat somebody with respect, then why are you worried?

I don't know if asking this patronises other posters views which I don't want to do. Also sorry if this question involves repeating previous posts.

But what creates such different opinions? What makes people defend a situation where a man can surprise someone with penetration? I think I recognise denial in my own life because otherwise you have to acknowledge your own vulnerability. But it seems to be more than that. Is it because there is so much sex with questionable consent. Does it reflect differing feelings about sex, similar to how people have different feelings, for example about ONS/casual sex? Can't quite get my head round it.

Is it because there is so much sex with questionable consent.

I think there is a lot of sex with questionable consent, yes. I think that's why so many men react so strongly when there is a story in the news about rape/sexual assault/grooming.

Just look at the Brock Turner case, the Ched Evans case, the Adam Johnson case. So many men (and women) outraged that these were crimes. I can only imagine that it's because they could imagine themselves being "caught out" in a similar way after partaking in really grim sexual behaviour.

I think there are a large number of men who probably know that had their sexual partner not been as drunk as they were, they probably wouldn't have had sex.

And a large number where had the man stopped persuading their partner when she said "not tonight/let's just kiss/let's wait a bit/let's keep clothes on" then they'd have also not have had sex.

Can't get my head around why women say it though.

I have been in this situation no one gave me the sex talk my family prefered me not to have sex. I think we have to teach our daughters that this behaviour is not acceptable. If you don't want someone to put there hand on you speak up. Discussions like these is good but we need to tell our daughters to not tolerate it.

I backed away from this thread last night as I didn't have the stomach for the awful victim blaming rape apologist bullshit some were posting. Thanks to those posters who have argued so eloquently today. Hope you are ok OP.

I'm shocked that you even need to ask.

I think the huge mistake is one you have made by implying consent by way of you faking your enjoyment.

"But what creates such different opinions? What makes people defend a situation where a man can surprise someone with penetration?"

I think it's the "women are gatekeepers/men are caught up in the throes of passion" meme. That's why it's seemingly unreasonable for men to take 10 seconds to check before proceeding as that busts the myth that passion is uncontrollable.

If your passion is truly "uncontrollable", though, you shouldn't be having sex with anyone. Same as you shouldn't drive if you are over the limit.

Bloomburger

Eh?

Whether the OP was faking or genuinely enjoying oral sex, that doesn't constitute consent to condomless PIV.

I think the huge mistake is one you have made by implying consent by way of you faking your enjoyment.

When you are having PIV sex from behind, and either enjoying it or faking an orgasm, does that mean you give consent for whomever you're having sex with to shove his cock up your ass? Without so much as a warning?

I'm really shocked by some of the posts.

Definite grey area. Op isn't to "blame" for anything though. Bottom line.

Why do you fear for your son?

Just tell him to check before putting his condomless penis in a young woman he doesn't know well, and he'll be fine.

And, once more for the cheap seats, OP is uncomfortable about what happened to her. The man who did this has nothing to "fear" from a discussion on a forum - she has no intent to track him down or go to police.

FFS

(Jacquetta, mother of sons)

Really bloomburger?

I don't fear for my sons. I can't believe that there are many women who would accuse a man of historical rape without good reason. Really, the statistics must be minuscule.

You've really annoyed me, bloomburger, with your judgy comments about promiscuity and intimacy of oral sex.

OP wasn't on hormonal contraception, as she had to take the MAP. One reason why oral sex is different to PIV, no pregnancy risk and minimal STD risk. But because you think it's more intimate, you've decided what it means.

Yet you've decided she's promiscuous on the basis of one occasion and have nothing to say about the man who risked her health and impregnating her. What's he? Promiscuous? A bit of a lad? A son that you fear for?

Why don't you fear for young women like the OP?

Christ.

What a very unpleasant post, blue.

Consenting to oral sex is not consenting to condomless piv.

Time to start reporting the unpleasantness.

OP, hope you are ok.

Blueshoes Yes you're spot on . Well said. All this rubbish about victim blaming, there was in this case, no victim.

There was a young woman not given the chance to refuse penetration without a condom, who then had to take the MAP and STD tests. Because one young man couldn't take 10 seconds away from his precious erection to put on a condom and talk to her.

Bloom again, I agree with you.

Jacquetta the op herself admits to being promiscuous so there would be where it came from.

I find it odd to compare different assaults. To think acknowledging one type of assault somehow minimises another. All lack of consent is wrong. All those who had sex they didn't consent to will feel and react differently. There are imo probably some common feelings afterwards, such as feeling dehumanised, shock, difficulty to trust, lacking control, and more I'm sure. There is no need to establish a hierarchy of sexual assault.

So she did, Etta.

Bloomburger still massively unpleasant, so I'll remain annoyed.

Jacketta why do you have to report every post you disagree with? I know your argument is non existent so you want to ban everybody from disagreeing with you. There is no victim blaming on this thread because there is no victim. Not having the psychic ability to recognise a fully participating, enthusiastic sexual partner is thinking otherwise in their head is not rape and it is not unpleasant or wrong to point that out.

There are a lot of far stronger words I would use to describe someone who falsely declares a man a rapist because of his lack of mind reading skills. How good are yours btw? Are you sure that none of your sexual partners inwardly thought 'oh no, this is a mistake' but continued anyway out of politeness? And if a man were to come forward claiming that should you be branded a rapist, lose your reputations, family, career and sent to prison? If not, why on earth are you promoting that when the sexes are reversed?

Yy myown. Women are individuals.

I'm reporting posts that breach We Believe You.

My argument is not "non existent" - HTH

And if a man were to come forward claiming that should you be branded a rapist, lose your reputations, family, career and sent to prison? If not, why on earth are you promoting that when the sexes are reversed?

Can you show me exactly where on this thread anyone has said that any or all of those things should happen to the man in the OP Blue? Or are you just blowing gas out your arse?