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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's cheated on me and I've thrown him out.

125 replies

GinBunny · 04/09/2016 00:47

God, the amount of times I've seen this thread and read "I can't believe I'm saying this" but now it's my turn. I can't believe he would do this to me but he has. I've thrown him out, because I am NOT going to cry in front of him but I need to cry so he needed to go. I'm heartbroken, I'm broken. I literally have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. He's fucked his secretary, how much of a cliche is that? I knew there was a connection between them, I just knew their relationship was wrong. I knew it and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it,. Fuck. He's my world. I love him. I have no one without him but that was fine because he was everything to me. FUCK.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 04/09/2016 00:50

I hope you do have a good cry and get some sleep Flowers

TheCompanyOfCats · 04/09/2016 00:51

Oh matey, I don't know what to say except Flowers

You are going to feel like you're going through hell but things will get better and you'll look back and thank your lucky stars that you've split with him.

Did he tell you or did you find out?

Original poster
GinBunny · 04/09/2016 00:54

I guessed so I confronted him and he admitted it.
I'm a fucking mess, I love him so much.

OP posts:
andadietcoke · 04/09/2016 00:57

Fuck. You'll come to realise that you love who you thought he was before you knew he was capable of such fuckwittery.

MotherOfROC · 04/09/2016 00:59

Your shell shocked honey .... Have a really good cry and get it all out and try to get some rest which from experience I know is nigh on impossible. Give yourself time to process and then decide what you want to do. It's good that you have the space , when it happened me me the bugger wouldn't leave which made it very hard

CannotEvenDeal · 04/09/2016 00:59

Oh I'm so sorry WineFlowers

How long has it been going on for/how long have you been together? At least he had the balls to admit it... no excuse but still.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
GinBunny · 04/09/2016 01:05

I'm very shell shocked, I didn't think he could do this to me. I've had suspicions for over a year but it was apparently only 2 weeks ago that he slept with her. But you know, still over a year of flirting and stuff. Thank you for posting, I know it's late but I really need help here. I thought we were forever. What the fuck has happened?

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 04/09/2016 01:11

Even if it supposedly only became physical recently, it sounds like quite a long-term emotional affair... I'm so sorry.

Are you married?

CannotEvenDeal · 04/09/2016 01:12

Try to focus on yourself and your recovery from this rather than questioning why.... you'll drive yourself crazy.

I mean that in a supportive, not dismissive, way.

MotherOfROC · 04/09/2016 01:13

You don't think it could ever happen to you. I know that DH was never the type to go looking for it just an opportunity arose and he forgot about me and his children. At the time I didn't suspect a thing it was a random thing of my phone bill being very high one month , I looked on bill found he was texting 30 times a day and then that's when the digging started . Took him 3 months to spill the truth so I had 3 months of torture . 5 years later and a lot of hard work on his part we are stronger . You can forgive but you never forget xx

Original poster
GinBunny · 04/09/2016 01:13

I have nearly posted so many times about their inappropriate relationship but really didn't think it was an EA, stupid me, he talked me down. We have been married for nearly 11 years. He's 45, she's 25. And pretty and thin.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinBunny · 04/09/2016 01:15

You forgave him Mother? That's all I want to do right now.

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 04/09/2016 01:17

Thanks for sharing ROC.

I'm glad your dh took responsibility and was willing to work at the marriage.

talesofthevillage · 04/09/2016 01:18

I'm so sorry. I have just been through this. You need space. Space gives you clarity. Flowers

celeste83 · 04/09/2016 01:20

Sorry to hear this. How do you know for sure?

talesofthevillage · 04/09/2016 01:21

Can you be sure it was only 2 weeks ago? The advice I had here was cheaters deny, deny, deny and only admit the minimum.

talesofthevillage · 04/09/2016 01:40

OP, I hope my post didn't make you feel worse. Wishing you lots of strength.

MotherOfROC · 04/09/2016 01:41

I forgave him mostly due to the circumstances and the rationale behind it. It was hard hearing it and I wanted to hear everything. I was drip fed for months and it effected me badly but at the end of the day I love him and didn't want to give up. His guilt was very clear and I really believed that he was remorseful.

NanaNina · 04/09/2016 02:02

So sorry you are going through this - we are 3 months down the same line (and in our 70s FFS) It was an emotional affair but only because sex wasn't what she wanted. It's been hell..............I agree with talesofthevillage and YES cheaters lie and deny to the bitter end in my experience, so it's highly unlikely they only had sex 2 weeks ago - that was an attempt at saving his face I reckon.

When you say you've thrown him out OP what do you mean exactly, not into the OW's arms I hope.. I don't think you should be in a hurry to forgive him - you need space between you and you need the TRUTH and in my experience they will duck and dive and dodge and it's heart wrenching. I sent for a book from Amazon called "Getting past the affair" and I've found it helpful.

My DP is full of remorse but it's still tough going and things are on a knife edge a lot of the time.
Do you have a supportive family/friends - I hope so.

Original poster
GinBunny · 04/09/2016 02:38

Oh I am sure he's gone into her arms. It's the one thing I said to him when he left, please don't do that. Of course he has. I'm very drunk now and can't sleep.I can't belive this has happened.

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 04/09/2016 02:40

I'm wide awake thanks to some very rowdy neighbours so feel free to offload Wine

celeste83 · 04/09/2016 02:44

Do you have children with this man?

MagnifiMad · 04/09/2016 02:50

Oh GinBunny, how horrible. Could you have a shower or a bath and try to sleep again.

MrsChanningTatum · 04/09/2016 05:36

I hope you are having a sleep now. My utmost sympathy for you.

You are in shock so concentrate on looking after yourself. Plenty of hot tea & try and eat little & often.

I agree you need space in your own home to process what has been happening without him around. So even if it's a temporary distancing thing from him it's better for you.

Tell supportive family so they can rally round. You don't want to be spending long tracts of time on your own with or without the dcs.

Also tell his family, as he needs to feel the full ramifications of what he has done.

I guess what has happened is that they have flirted, then admitted to each other that they are "good friends". This flattery is highly addictive and he has probably crossed one boundary after another to keep the high of the thrill & excitment going. Before you know it, your in a deep tunnel of an affair, the secrecy keeps it thrilling & exciting. But also very stressful I imagine.

You don't have to make any decisions about your futures any time soon. So look after yourself & your dcs. Take time off work if need be.

You will have episodes of forceful anger so tell him how you feel.

This is the most awful time for you. I remember it well. The same thing happened to me 6 or so years ago. I kicked him out. About a month later he moved back in and we had to work to stay together. It was hard, exhausting. A terrible learning experience. But ultimately worth it.

Your H has to be willing to take the blame, because NON OF IT IS YOUR FAULT!

He has to accept that he has made the wrong decisions, at what point he did this & why.

Also he has to go cold turkey & not contact OW every again through any medium or forum. This is v important, especially if he mistakenly thinks they are "friends".

He has to realise that he will lose your comfortable, public relationship if he does seek to and work at protecting your relationship with him. His primary relationship is with you.

I hope this helps. I will check this thread for updates. Thinking of you.

BarbaraRoberts · 04/09/2016 05:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.