He's cheated on me and I've thrown him out.

[GinBunny]

God, the amount of times I've seen this thread and read "I can't believe I'm saying this" but now it's my turn. I can't believe he would do this to me but he has. I've thrown him out, because I am NOT going to cry in front of him but I need to cry so he needed to go. I'm heartbroken, I'm broken. I literally have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. He's fucked his secretary, how much of a cliche is that? I knew there was a connection between them, I just knew their relationship was wrong. I knew it and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it,. Fuck. He's my world. I love him. I have no one without him but that was fine because he was everything to me. FUCK.

[Blueshoessingloose]

Maybe it's better to block his number now? And for the time being the number of anyone associated with him so you don't feel inclined to tell them? Telling is boss probably made you seem a little crazy, understandable given the circumstances but the boss is likely quite perplexed that you felt the need to report two adults in the company for having sex with each other. Or amused....

You need to focus on yourself. Can you afford to take a few days out, go to a spa or something? Get a few massages... Calm...

[donajimena]

Right Gin.. pick yourself up and remain calm. You've had your rant and your cry at him.
As others have said get your finances sorted. Don't let him decide what he wants.
You can decide for him. It doesn't mean you are giving up or letting him go. This is only the start. Who knows how this is all going to pan out. There may indeed be many more shocks to come or he may 'have made a terrible mistake'"
If you do want to reconcile the calmer and more decisive you are now gives you the best chance. You may even find if he does see the error of his ways (meant very tongue in cheek) you will be in a position to tell him to fuck off but thats a bit further down the line.
You say you have no close friends and I know how tough it is to go through this without a real life hand to hold as it happened to me. I had no friends that were able to come over so I sobbed into my wine on mumsnet. The MNers were my support and just checking back on my thread to see a little message 'are you ok' lifted my spirits enormously.
I am actually on my 2yr anniversary and I DID get through it and my life has changed immeasurably for the better. New job/partner/interests. But at the time I was devastated.
I'm not saying don't break down or cry. Just keep that for us.

[GinBunny]

End for you too.
I know you are all talking sense about getting my act together, I'm not ready yet, I'm still in total disbelief that he has gone.
He has been round to collect his things though and has told me that the girl wants to be with him. I can't imagine him turning that down, of course he's not going to.
I will stay here though if that's ok, it has helped today knowing there are people around

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

At least if he's got his stuff, you won't have to see him again for a while.

This will hurt; but remember that it's not forever. It will feel it in the darkest moments but morning always comes.

[kateshair]

Gin a similar thing happened to me about fourteen years ago ! Showing my age now... My partner went off with a girl who he worked with. She was 18 he was 32 😳... I can remember the pain like it was yesterday.. I couldn't breathe... I remember drinking cough mixture in the middle of the night with the hope it would knock me out 😳... I begged and did the pick me dance and still he went... It gets worse tho what I should have done was forget him but I didn't ... I held a torch for him for three years all the time he was with this girl just the odd text message was enough to keep me interested 🙄.. We eventually got back together and at first I was happy, we had a child together but he was/is fundamentally selfish... I left him when our child was five... It has been really difficult. Think no money/support, threats to make our son live with him...
Basically a long story but if a man is not putting you first then a whole heap of pain awaits you.. Draw a line under it with him... It will take time of course but let it go 😀

[ddrmum]

Hi Gin, so sorry you are going through this. Not much more to add to the advice already provided other than to say be kind to yourself. An awful shock for you but fwiw I think you did the right thing by telling their boss - fuck 'em. With actions, there are consequences and why should you be the only one to suffer? Most companies frown upon affairs in the workplace. Get your paperwork in place and get some advice once your mind is clear enough. Time for YOU to make decisions regarding your future and the relationships even though it s early days. He has lost that right. You deserve someone who is honest.

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Sorry to read the update OP.

By the sounds of it he's made his choice so good luck to him. He's really not the man you thought he was.

Take care of yourself and make sure you get plenty of rest. Get yourself a good solicitor ASAP to get things sorted out and although it will be really hard to move on from all of this and it will take a long time to get over it this is your chance to make a new and better life for yourself without him.

Good luck

[celeste83]

Sorry to hear he told you what you want you didn't want to hear. Least you have had that chat and he's got his stuff so you won't need to see him again for a bit. Now you will need to lick your wounds and get the emotional stuff out the way before you take the next step and think about divorce. You sound like you deserve better and although it may take time for you to be ready to move onto another relationship that time will come and happy times will return. I've known too many stories of older men with young woman to know it nearly always never works out so he will probably get his cumuppence down the line and he will realise what he threw away and it will be too late. Keep looking forward His family and work know your side of the story and thats fine but i wouldn't prod those avenues anymore than necessary from now on.

[talesofthevillage]

Okay he may not turn this girl down right now but I'm sure the bloom will come off the romance fairly quickly. But don't dwell on them just now. Put you first. I regret not being more proactive, rather than reactive. He had all the control and I wish I'd taken more control.
I don't know if that's helpful in your situation but anyway we are here for you.

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Forgot to say to contact the bank if you have a joint account to let them know you have separated and be prepared for things to turn really nasty.

Take care x

[GingerIvy]

Just remember - you're only hearing his side from him. She could just have easily realised he wanted something more long term and run a mile at the thought of actually being serious with the old man. But he won't be telling you that, now, would he?

Take whatever he says with a grain of salt. It's likely not true anyway. He's already proven he's a liar.

[GinBunny]

Thanks again for all the messages, they have really helped me get through today.
I finally got out of bed and stripped the sheets so they don't smell of him. I have been to the shop for wine and fags. I have also got all his clutter together and chucked it in the back bedroom. I have emailed the mortgage broker to find out what my options are, I'm scared I will lose my home.
Fucking men and their pathetic egos.

[chocoLit]

Where abouts are you GinBunny? Do you work? Is there a colleague at work you're friendly with? I hate that you have no close support

[LouSaint]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm going through the same, my husband 45, has been seeing a 25 year old barmaid for a couple of months. I feel the same as you, I have no family, not too many close friends, I have two boys of 14 and 12, and I'm just an absolute mess.
Hope the fags and wine are helping! Feel free to p m me if you like! X

[GinBunny]

Choc, thank you for being concerned. I do work and have actually texted a work colleague this evening as she is going through a divorce and I wanted to know how to approach work with this as I want to take a few days off. I live SW London/Surrey. It sucks but I've never been that sociable really, I'm quite shy and awkward. I've always been closer to family when they were around.

[chocoLit]

Gah am NE Scotland so couldn't be further sorry :(

I think taking a few days off work is a good idea to catch your breath and make a plan how to start living again without this twunt in your life

[GinBunny]

Lou, I will message you. MN is pissing about at the moment so I can't see all the menus but will when it rights itself. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this too.
Have had a bath and hairwash and opened the wine. Have emailed work to tell them I won't be in tomorrow. I feel a bit better at the moment, I can see he's just a pathetic middle aged man whose head has been turned by a bit of skirt.

[GinBunny]

Barbara, he won't turn her down. It's not just that she is younger, she's pretty, slim with long long legs, everything I'm not. I've seen them together over the past year at their work events and there's been an obvious spark there. I thought that maybe she would turn him down but I know how charismatic he can be. I hope things turned out ok with your H

[mummytime]

You are doing well so far.
Keep busy.
Cleaning can help. As can buying new bed linen, and doing stuff he didn't like.
You can use the spare room as a dumping ground for his stuff for now (if you spot something of his just dump it there).
In the longer term it could be useful for a lodger to help with the mortgage.

Make sure you keep eating, and look after yourself.

[donajimena]

My ex was charismatic. Which is why OW fell for him. They are no longer together. And although I am in a LTR now by the time I met my partner I wouldn't have wanted him back anyway.
I know it may seem harsh that I can trot out 'oh you'll be fine' because I remember the devastation that you are going through clearly but you WILL be fine. You just have to get through this tough bit.

[donajimena]

I'm glad you have stripped your bedding I understand that! What helped me a lot was buying completely new bedding that he hadn't seen so if funds allow maybe that is an option?

[GinBunny]

Thank you Mummy. I have a second load of laundry on and have fed the dogs. One of the reasons I am so worried about losing the house is having to move into a flat where I wouldn't be able to keep them. They are both rescues, one of them is quite new and nervous, but bless her while I was in bed today she cuddled into me all day. She's never done that before.
I haven't eaten today, I can't face it and am hoping the wine on an empty stomach will help me sleep.
I know I've already said this but thank you all again for your messages today, they have helped me get through the day. Dona, in particular it was your message that got me out of bed (albeit a few hours after you posted it). Thank you.

[Laska5772]

Just something? Toast? cheese and biscuit ?

You'll feel rotten enough , but having a hangover in the morning will make you feel so much worse, really it will.. .. (im not preaching ,, yes, drink wine.I would.. . sometimes we just need to do that , )

So sorry for what you are going through..

[donajimena]

Thats kind thank you! Don't worry about the dogs yet. Its such early days and your thoughts are racing. The wine will help with the sleep but I found I didn't sleep properly so I did move to OTC sleeping tablets which helped but I definitely got all my nutrition from grapes in the early weeks
As timescales go it was probably around 6 weeks before I could function without bursting into tears randomly and I still felt unbearably sad 3 months after. Obviously timescales vary and we weren't married but what enraged me the most was the lies and the things clicking into place for example getting a phone call and him asking 'what are you up to tonight?' Me 'nothing early night did you have something in mind'? He then replied no I'm just going to Asda..
I found out afterwards that there was a networking event that was a stones throw from my house that he attended with the OW so he was making sure I was home.
So many pennies dropped in the following few months that I nearly went mad.
I'd be woken up at 4am with coins raining down like stair rods..
That was hard and to the credit of many mumsnetters including Wellwhoknew and MrsC (don't know if they are here anymore or name changed) I made it through.
keep posting