He's cheated on me and I've thrown him out.

[GinBunny]

God, the amount of times I've seen this thread and read "I can't believe I'm saying this" but now it's my turn. I can't believe he would do this to me but he has. I've thrown him out, because I am NOT going to cry in front of him but I need to cry so he needed to go. I'm heartbroken, I'm broken. I literally have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. He's fucked his secretary, how much of a cliche is that? I knew there was a connection between them, I just knew their relationship was wrong. I knew it and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it,. Fuck. He's my world. I love him. I have no one without him but that was fine because he was everything to me. FUCK.

[faffalotty]

Do try and eat something or even just have a drink of milk. I do know how difficult it is, I remember the struggle to get anything down. It will help you to cope though.

Are you in work tomorrow?

[Kirk123]

You survived today as you will tomorrow , just breathe and take the day as it comes, we have all been broken to 1000 pieces . Just heal and rest you will feel sad and exhausted , take care of you now ❤️

[GinBunny]

I wish you were all my RL friends
I have 2 managers, one who I work for and one who I report to. The one I report to I have told the truth (not the other one at this stage) and she has sent me the kindest message back and I'm in tears again.
He said he would phone me this evening and hasn't. I expect he is with her. I am trying not to think about them together. As I said upthread, my sister had an affair with her boss, it's a long complicated story that has no place here but they deserve karma if anyone does and they are still together. It happens and it's life. I have to accept that they are going to happen really don't I?

[talesofthevillage]

Anything could happen. Don't torture yourself looking at their future. Read the website Chumplady. She talks about the state of 'meh' ~ when you no longer care. That might be weeks or months or years away but you will get to that place.

[GinBunny]

Well, the wine certainly did knock me out but now I am awake and it's all raw and new again. He told me I could call him any time day or night and he's turned his fucking phone off. I know I know I shouldn't have called him but I did because he said he would call me and he didn't. Jesus, I thought I knew him, how can you spend so much time with a person and not know them at all.

[chocoLit]

You know you need to go NC don't you? You can't start to heal if you keep torturing yourself and him saying you can phone anytime is just keeping a door open for him not you

[VioletBam]

Fuck him! Nasty piece of work. You don't want someone that shallow and you deserve better.

Pretend he's dead.

[GinBunny]

Yes you are right Choco. He's made his decision hasn't he. So what do I do now? See a solicitor I guess?

[ConkersDontScareSpiders]

Hi op-just read your thread.Im sorry this has happened to you. You should make an appointment with a solicitor now. And remember this man is not your friend. You might start to think he will still act decently over the financials even if he has screwed you over in other ways-that's natural-no one wants to think the person they love no longer has their best interests at heart-but bear in mind that he is demonstrably self centred and his ego is at work-and do not count on him being fair or thinking about your future at all. I know that sounds harsh but it's the advise I was given and I didn't listen to it at the time enough-and that was a mistake. It's a big head fuck all of this. The trick is to try not to let it become all consuming, and to stick with who you are-your life is about more than him and them-or it can be if you make sure it is. All of that's easier said than done, but you have to try because otherwise you will end up very bitter and very far from the person you know yourself to be. I am 5 months on from finding out about my situation-which is different to yours but has been fairly awful. I have failed to follow my own advise above on lots of occasions-none of this is easy-but you will get through it one day at a time.some of those days will be worse and some will be better-hopefully in time the better ones will outnumber the worse ones. As pp have said look after yourself-eat a bit, get outside a bit. Just those two things will help.

[mummytime]

Yes get lawyered up, ask around for recommendations and if possible visit a few until you get one with whom you click and who is a bit of a Rottweiler (a Shit Hot Lawyer in MN speak).
He may start off feeling guilty and so offer all kinds of things; but after a while he is likely to back track (as guilt makes him feel uncomfortable and the OW and others tell him not to be too generous).

[Kirk123]

Please go no contact as suggested your love for him is unrequited , he is not that man you loved anymore , he is not hurting as he was planning this end all along and was slowly removing himself from you , you on the other hand are in shock , don't give him satisfaction that you still want him they love that , I am doing no contact again 10 days in as I had to see him to talk about the mortgage , seeing him nearly killed me and it's like opening up a wound and so painful I don't need to see him now . Keep strong my lovely ❤️ And remember all you need to do is breathe drink water eat little and often and heal your heart ❤️

[celeste83]

I hope work goes ok today OP. I think work might be good for you right now to keep you occupied and keep you on the straight and narrow and in a routine. I think you know moping about with fags and wine is not the answer. And yes don't torture yourself thinking of them together and yes he is showing his true colours by not contacting you. I think contacting a solicitor this week would be a positive step.

[adora1]

So sorry for what you are going through, sounds horrendous, so it's a one off but he's actually living with her now, is that right?

It's nothing to do with how she looks btw OP, he was going to cheat with someone, just happened to be her.

I hope you have some RL support, you are going to need it and yes get practical and go ahead thinking you are gong it alone now, you can do it.

[talesofthevillage]

How are you this evening Ginbunny?

[3littlebirdsmamma]

Dear GinBunny. I,m so sorry for what you're going through. I've been there Myself unfortunately but you will feel better with time.
I noticed on one of your earlier posts you said it was probably your fault.No it isn't and please don't let him blame you either.I found some really good websites that helped me a lot. //www.acheatinghusband.com and //www.chumplady.com .Please take care of yourself,try to eat and focus on having some you time or treat yourself to something nice,take those dogs for a lovely long walk. Good on you for kicking him out.You are one strong lady and you will get through this.

[donajimena]

Another one hoping you are ok? Xxx

[GinBunny]

Thanks for asking, I'm not so bad tonight. He's been here today and we have done a lot of talking and I have cried a lot. I've been to see my GP and she has referred me for counselling and has told me to take this week off and she will sign me off next week if needs be.
So, just to clarify - he's not living with her. He has no money for a hotel so is sleeping in his office. It's a very small company and he works with friends and his boss is aware and fine with that. He isn't dating her, there isn't an affair, it was a ONS (not that that is ok), but that is not to say there won't be a relationship in the future. Please don't flame me for this, I believe him now I have heard the circumstances and I am certainly not trying to excuse him here. I agree that he has distanced himself from me but I can see now that it does go back a lot further, he did try to talk to me back then but I didn't realise how bad things were. I thought it was just a rough patch that couples go through, I am not taking the blame, I'm not saying that just that he did try to talk and I didn't see the severity.
He got pissed last night and turned his phone off because he needed to sleep. Neither of us have had much sleep over the past couple of nights and yes I do believe him.
I am worrying that posting this will have people replying that he is following the script, I get that but please don't because I am feeling so raw and I genuinely don't think he is. There are things that have happened in our relationship that have tested us as individuals and together and we didn't work through them together properly. When shit happens it can push people apart I guess is what I am trying to say.
So, moving forward, the good news is that it looks like I can afford to keep the house, which means I can keep the dogs. I have spoken to a solicitor and will meet them later in the week. I don't have a clue how these things work, but I don't think we can divorce until the house situation is resolved, which means selling our rental flat. He's going to buy my car off me and I'm going to get something smaller so I don't need him to parallel park for me
So we've moved forward a lot in a short time. He doesn't love me anymore, so there is no pick me dance to do.
Thank you for listening, and sorry for the long update.

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Sending hugs gin.


Looks like you are doing really well coping so far and I'm glad that you can keep the dogs and the house.

Sorry things have ended the way that they have but maybe it's for the best. I'm glad he's not dangling carrots and giving you false hopes and although it must have been painful to hear the gory details you've had the chance to discuss everything and you know where you stand so you can now get on with the rest of your life without him.


All the best to you for your new future

[GinBunny]

Thanks Definitely. It's a long road ahead but having spoken today I know now that there is no relationship to save from his side, I had a moment of clarity today when I realised that. That's not to say I am not devastated or it doesn't hurt like hell, but there is no going back. It was a fucking brutal discussion. But I understand. He wasn't blaming me by the way, it was a discussion about what has happened and how it has left us feeling.
If he was dangling carrots then it would be different and I would be doing the pick me dance I am sorry to say but he has been honest with me about the situation with the girl and we have talked for hours about our relationship. People fall out of love, it's happened to me in the past, now we need to deal with the fallout of that. I'm feeling calm right now, surprisingly so. But it was so good to spend the day with him too

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

It's just a shame that he didn't let you know that the marriage was over and he had fallen out of love with you before he slept with OW. If he had done the decent thing and ended the marriage first before dabbling elsewhere it would have saved you a lot of stress and heartache.

If you hadn't confronted him would he have told you about the ONS or just soldiered on as before?

Remember not to feel bad about yourself and how you still feel about him because there's not a magic switch and you don't just fall out of love overnight with someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life . You will take a long time to stop loving and missing him but one day you will realise you don't need, care or want him anymore.

Hope you get a much better sleep tonight.

Take care

[GinBunny]

He tried to tell me, I just didn't want to hear it. He told me he felt that things weren't right and I told him we were fine because in my mind it was just a rough patch. I thought we would get through it, I didn't get how bad he felt about it. He wouldn't have told me about ONS if I hadn't asked but it was too obvious no to.

[talesofthevillage]

Hope you get some sleep.

[celeste83]

Do you think you two can remain friends? It sounds like you've had quite an honest and frank conversation. He owed you that and hopefully this will help you take the next step. Just take one step at a time.

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Please don't blame yourself for what's happened as you genuinely didn't realise that things were so bad.

You're right all marriages go through sticky patches now and again but it's really no excuse to look elsewhere. Usually people do work through problems together but he obviously didn't want to so please don't feel that you did anything wrong by not knowing exactly how he was feeling or what he was thinking. This was his choice to break up the marriage. If he had wanted to save it he would have insisted you heard him out, booked counselling and done everything he possibly could to try to sort out your problems together and make things right again.

You have no reason to feel you are responsible for how it's all turned out so please don't punish yourself with "what if's" and "I should have"s.


Night x

[GinBunny]

Oh Celeste, what a question. He has told me over and over that I am his best friend. When things were bad he said just that, that he felt that we were best mates rather than a couple and I just didn't hear what he was saying.
No, Definitely, it's no excuse to look elsewhere. I can't talk about our issues but I don't blame myself, they are what they are. He did try to talk to me but I didn't hear what he was saying. He checked out of our relationship long before I realised that things were so bad.
I went to bed an hour ago, I am so tired but the dogs woke me up barking and it's just hit me that this house and these dogs are mine to deal with. There is a lot of training to be had in this house.
Nite all