He's cheated on me and I've thrown him out.

[GinBunny]

God, the amount of times I've seen this thread and read "I can't believe I'm saying this" but now it's my turn. I can't believe he would do this to me but he has. I've thrown him out, because I am NOT going to cry in front of him but I need to cry so he needed to go. I'm heartbroken, I'm broken. I literally have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. He's fucked his secretary, how much of a cliche is that? I knew there was a connection between them, I just knew their relationship was wrong. I knew it and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it,. Fuck. He's my world. I love him. I have no one without him but that was fine because he was everything to me. FUCK.

Hope you are ok OP.

So sorry to hear what you're going through. The shock is just the worst feeling.

Hope you've managed to get some sleep.

I am heartbroken. I have slept thanks to
Wine and woken up with his books, his clothes, our lives together all around me. I have no family or close friends. No DCs. I want to turn back time and make this go away.

You will go through different stages.

I was angry, then pitifully sad and needy before deciding that for me there would be no moving forward as I didn't want to spend my life worried or anxious that he would cheat again.

So for today, sit with the feeling you have, have a bath, fresh clothes, something small to eat and maybe a walk.
Please try to get some support in real life, I spent the entire day with my friend yesterday who is going through similar and she get so much better for some hugs and a good talk.

Yes try to get support. I'm worried that you said you have no family or close friends. Can you phone someone to visit you?

'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass is recommended a lot. There are forums too. But for now tiny steps and look after yourself.

How are you doing Gin?

I agree try and keep busy. Whether its a walk or going to the shops. Alcohol is not going to get you anywhere and i'm sure you know that aswell. I really wish you had someone close by who you could talk to.

GinBunny, I hope you're ok. It's a very difficult time for you. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. That's what people told me. I didn't understand what being kind to myself meant, but I soon learned that it's a matter of doing small things that bring some comfort to you - hugging your pet, reading a book, watching mindless TV, going for a short walk, taking a drive, going to the library, etc. Slowly does it. Your mind is going crazy now, but it will start to slow down and you will start to process everything. You need to do whatever is best for you.

If it helps at all, I am 8 months down the line, having been with my ex-P for over 30 years. We are no longer together and it was absolute hell when we broke up. He was unfaithful many times and it was a very difficult for me to cope with. I stayed in the relationship too long, and now at the ripe old age of 50, I am getting to know myself and living the way I want to live.

I don't have any friends where I'm currently living. I know people, but not enough to unload to. Fortunately, my family, who live in another country, have been great and have helped me through. I have really had to push myself to move forward, as I know it's the only way to have a good new life. I made a decision that I would not spend the rest of my life being depressed and regretful.

Go and see your GP. Please consider seeing a counsellor, as this will help you to make sense of everything. Call Samaritans now. They can't change what's happened, but they will help you just by being able to talk.

I haven't posted on mumsnet before, but I couldn't pass you by, as I know how awful this is for you. I cannot emphasise how much lurking on mumsnet has helped me through the last 8 months. I really had no idea how many people are suffering through their relationships, and this has helped to reassure me that I'm not alone and, in fact, how many people have so much more to cope with than I have.

I promise you that you will feel better soon. I didn't believe people when they told me this, but now I do.

If he's gone to her, let him go. He is not the prize in a competition, keep your dignity intact and do not do the pick me dance.

Try and detach from him, get your ducks in a row with finances etc should the worst happen.

Expect to find out that it's been going on longer than two weeks. Chances are, you know the bare minimum and there will be more to come.

Have some space, cry, sleep when you can and try and eat - if you can't stomach anything smoothies are your friend.

I'm sorry you're going through this x

Gin - I got drunk when I found out too, it's understandable. But try not to make a habit of it.

I also don't have an army of people around me to help as so many others seem to. I do have 1 friend who I have confided in, I don't see her very often, but it helps to know there is someone I can offload on. Is there anyone you can contact, even if it is an old friend that you are only in touch with by email or facebook?

You've always got support here, lots of people who have gone through or are going through the same thing. Can't express enough how you need to be kind and gentle to yourself

I'm truly sorry this has happened to you... I had a partner of 10 years who was a liar and a cheat, I forgave a million times over until finally enough was enough. I found the busier I kept myself the less time I had to dwell on how desperate I felt.

Do you like animals?? I adopted a puppy and she helped my so so much. I adored her... but then I'm very much a doggie person so that worked for me. I concentrated on her a lot, I chatted to her, went on walks, cuddled and loved her every minute of the day... she was a truly great companion and wonderful distraction. If you can't adopt then there's always the option of fostering. I foster puppies and it is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done in my life... it gives me some purpose :)

If animals isn't your thing then think about anything that you love or are interested in and pour your time and energy into that. Keep busy, keep distracted, and before you know it the days will roll by and it will give you the time you need to get stronger. Only once you're stronger will you be in a position to make decisions about your marriage. You will be far too vulnerable and emotional right now to make any decisions. I do believe whole heartedly though that you and your husband absolutely need to spend time away from each other until you have had time to process all of this.

You can do this!

I have no dignity. I went to her house. She wasn't in thank fuck. I knew where he was staying so I went there and I've made such a fool of myself crying and screaming. There's no point in doing the pick me dance he doesn't want me. Why would he when he's got a pretty little 25 year old keeping the bed warm? I feel so lost I don't know how this has come to this. I don't know what to do. My parent are dead and I am nc with my sister ironically because she had an affair with her boss. Friends have all had kids and moved on.

Sorry, I didn't thank you for your support and messages. It's giving me something to do/focus on

I'm sorry about this GB. Has he said he wants to end things with you? Was he sorry or apologetic about it?

The best way to quench/end an affair is to expose it. The fun and sneaking around won't seem half as much fun when light is shone on it. Instead will come guilt and shame, if they have a conscience.

That's usually exposure to his family/ close friends/employer. Basically to those who would be supportive of you.

I'm sure their relationship is inappropriate in the workplace with him being her manager.

Others in your position have also contacted and informed the OWs parents/siblings/friends and employer. No decent parents would be supportive and their disapproval could make the 25 year old think twice and carrying on.

I'm not saying that you should or must do it, but it's helped end affairs in the past. As long as you remain calm when you expose, otherwise you'll look like a crazy wife (which you aren't and even if you looked crazy, it's understandable).

Actions have consequences.

Please don't go confronting her. Don't put yourself through it and don't go comparig yourself to some thwenty something home wrecker. Same for him. Cut all contact with him. He will need to return home sooner or later to pick some stuff up. When he does you need to sit down calmly when he comes round and have the questions you have answered. Thats the least he owes you. Maybe now is the time to contact your sister?

That's ok GinBunny. Don't dwell on what's done. You reacted under very emotional circumstances. That is allowed.

Would you consider contacting your sister? I only ask, as I'm not close to my own sister, but she did help me get through some very difficult days, and even though we still aren't close, I do know that I can ask for her emotional support if I have to.

Have you called Samaritans, yet?

I can't bring myself to contact her, thinks got pretty nasty when we fell out.
He doesn't know what he wants but he knows he's caused too much damage for us to stay together. He says it was a one off with her but he would say that wouldn't he? Or maybe she rejected him who knows?
I haven't called samaritans maybe I will later. I don't want to speak at the moment. I have texted his boss and bis sister though. Spiteful I know but I wanted them to know what has happened before he got the chance to minimise it.
Of course it's my fault though isn't it? Not giving him enough attention, affection etc etc etc. Such a fucking cliche.

Not contact my sister that is

I'm so sorry you're goinh through this Gin please look after yourself, Samaritans is a good idea CatBallou

You will be angry and want to scream, shout, cry etc GinBunny and you have every right to.

I'm certainly not condoning his behaviour but could this genuinely be a case of a one off
mid-life crisis taken things too far situation?

Has he foolishly been flattered by the attentions of a young bit of skirt and now after doing the deed with her realises that the green is really not greener and still wants you but feels he has blown it?

Has your marriage been good before this and is it worth saving?

Is it maybe worth trying to work through this together with counselling?

Could he change jobs within the company so he is no longer working there or with her?

Will he be back later to get clothes etc for the working week and if he is could you have a long talk about how you are both feeling?

If he is truly remorseful and ashamed of what he has done and wants to try again with full disclosure and honesty from now on then there is still some hope for your relationship.

Good luck

grass not green. Sorry.

Yes, its definitely a mid life crisi. And yes I also think a one off. Well thats what he told me anyway.
His sister has just phoned and I feel calmer for talking. I have severe anxiety and have had acouple of panic attacks today. She is stunned, she can't believe that he would do this. Of course he's given it all that we've not been right for ages, I told her its just an excuse to justify to himself what hes done.
He can't change jobs as he works for a small company. At this point in time he says he doesn't know what he wants, I can't help but think he's waitng to see if he's in with a chance with her.

If you forgive a man for cheating, he will think it is ok to cheat and go and do it again.

To me cheating is unacceptable in a relationship, it breaks all trust.

Sorry to hear this OP. My husband has just dumped me, so you are not alone. Horrible for you.