He's cheated on me and I've thrown him out.

[GinBunny]

God, the amount of times I've seen this thread and read "I can't believe I'm saying this" but now it's my turn. I can't believe he would do this to me but he has. I've thrown him out, because I am NOT going to cry in front of him but I need to cry so he needed to go. I'm heartbroken, I'm broken. I literally have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. He's fucked his secretary, how much of a cliche is that? I knew there was a connection between them, I just knew their relationship was wrong. I knew it and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it,. Fuck. He's my world. I love him. I have no one without him but that was fine because he was everything to me. FUCK.

[rosabug]

So sorry this has happened. This happened to me just before Xmas. I had my suspicions, found the text. Told me it had been nearly 2 years, turned out to be closer to 4. Xmas was a car crash. I know you don't want to hear it - but only slept with her 2 week ago? I don't think so - the deceiver always seeks to minimise, the first thing is to get him to understand that you need the truth. If you can, get yourself a counsellor/therapist asap to help you through it, especially important if you have little support. You are at the sharp end at the moment, it's hell - I send you many cuddles. I'm just over one month on, and while it's still difficult it is much much better.

here are some links that might help you. quite a good website:
beyondaffairs.com/

and a great TED talk, perhaps for when and if you start talking to your DH: www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

[Pinotwoman82]

Just read through your thread, hope things have all worked out for you? X

[CharlieBoo]

How's things Gin?

[nothruroad]

I'm so sorry to hear this, gin. I know you must be hugely worried about finances but don't rush into anything. Is there any way you could sell the flat and buy another one where you could keep your dogs? They must be a comfort to you just now. Do you need to stay in the area or could you perhaps move somewhere cheaper for a totally fresh start? Wishing you all the best.

[myfriendnigel]

Well more fool her...karma is a great thing...
I'm sorry About the house and dogs.that seems massively unfair on top of everything else.
Could you sell the flat and move somewhere cheaper? Fresh start in a new area?

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Sounds like she's going to be in for a right shock when she realises the truth. That'll wipe the smug smile off her face for sure. Ditching her fiance for an imagined upgrade probably wasn't the wise move that she thought it was. He's had a lucky escape though from her and she wasted no time letting the bed get cold with a married man. I wonder what he thinks of her now?

Hope you can get your finances protected so that you don't lose anymore than you already have because of your not so DH and that you will get your money owed back from him. Would that go towards keeping the house or a different flat where you could keep the dogs?

I always think it is so unfair that the one who cheats gets to basically destroy their OH fInancially. I personally think that if you cheat you void the right to get anything more than you deserve which is to leave with the shirt on your back, your own personal posessions that you brought with you at the start or have accumulated and a reduced amount of money that you have contributed and not half of everything as a couple which might put people off doing it when it would hit them so hard financially.

Sorry to bring it up but do you think an STI check would be a good idea just incase this is not his first dalliance with her or someone else?

Hope you are doing okay today and I promise that things will get better. That's you a week in already. Take care x

[GinBunny]

She does think he's well off. He dresses well and strides around like he owns the place. But he doesn't have any money, he owes me thousands, is maxed out on his credit cards and his bank won't lend him anymore. I've been bailing him out. She will see that he is a weak man and not the big daddy bear protector she thinks he is.
And I don't believe it was a one off anymore. She broke off her engagement a week before it supposedly happened then he tells me a week later. They've been planning this.
What a mess

[Shayelle]

Awful, the mess he's left you in. Really hoping for a miracle for you. At least like you say you have the flat. Small mercies...

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Sorry to read the latest developments Gin. He's made a right mess of things. That's such a shame about the dogs and the house. Good for you going NC. You can do without them rubbing your nose in it. But will she still feel he's such a prize when he's no longer the well off older man (probably old enough to be her Father) and is just another sad old geezer with grey chest hair and pubes that couldn't keep it in his pants?


The more I think of her the more cross I get about it all. It wouldn't be quite so bad if he'd gone off with a stranger who didn't know he was married at all but she knew, she had contact with you and still went to bed with him. All I can say is I hope they think it was worth it for the hurt, humiliation and embarrassment it's caused. Good luck to them it sounds like they are well matched -
selfish, self-obsessed and sneaky. You're better off without him and I hope you meet someone really amazing the next time.


Hope you are doing okay and get on well once you get back to work

[GinBunny]

That was the original plan Shay, and I really thought that it was doable, but our house has increased in value more than our flat has and I'm around £100k short. I just wouldn't be able to get a mortgage. Even selling the house leaves me pushed to keep the flat because we bought it at the top of the market before it crashed. We haven't really been here that long and have two big mortgages to pay off. But the flat is an option and means I'm not on the streets and I am so grateful for that.

[Shayelle]

Im sorry for you Gin. Could you not sell the flat and put that money towards the house? Sending you strength x

[GinBunny]

I agree that their relationship won't last. She's loving the drama right now and feeling special that someone has chosen her. She will get bored of being with an older man and of the mess that he is that he has hidden from her while he chased her. Whether he comes crawling back at that point remains to be seen, they usually do don't they? I just have to protect myself so that if it does happen I am strong enough to say no. I don't want to be with a person that has it in them to do this.

[Iflyaway]

NO, he's not your world and you do NOT love him.

That was then and this is now.

Please get in touch with your own power.

They do not deserve YOUR power. Fuck them.

[GinBunny]

Hello, sorry I thought this thread had run it's course and there were no more comments.
I've gone NC with him. I need to protect myself and being part of the drama is not healthy for me.
I have been to see a financial adviser because my main concern was keeping the house. Turns out I can't afford it, not by a long shot. We have a flat that we rent out so I am not homeless thank god but there is a clause in the lease that no pets are allowed. So on top of everything I am going to loose my beautiful dogs. We can't sell until the new year because of redemption penalties in both mortgages and I am worried that at some point he will stop paying the mortgage and bills. Why would he continue? But that will stuff me financially and may affect my ability to remortgage on the flat, which I have to do as it is currently a BTL mortgage.
I can't take it all in.

[HomeShapedBox]

How are you doing OP?

Hope you are managing to keep busy, when I was in a similar situation I done epic amounts of cleaning, I think it was my way of being in control of something when I felt I'd lost control of everything else

hope you are ok

[penguinplease]

No woman can 'take' a man. He is an adult and he made his own decisions.

Stay strong op, I've been following from your first post.
Get space from him, get mad, see a solicitor.

[Curviest]

It was really horrible of her to let the relationship develop, knowing he was with you. I don't think it will last, partly cos age difference but also she knows another woman can easily take him ...

What will you do when he comes crawling back?

[Resilience16]

NC is definitely the way forward.Seriously. Only contact to discuss practical things if absolutely necessary.
Long walks-instead of churning over the "what ifs", or boohooing because every song on your iPod reminds you of him, I chose a few positive affirmations and chanted them all the way round my walks .They do work in lifting your mood . Do it out loud if there's no one around! The dogs won't mind.
Keep busy. Rearrange the furniture, clear out the garage, join a gym, do whatever it takes. I wouldn't advise taking time off work as it just give you more time to sit on your own and marinate in gloom.
Be kind to yourself, it's hard enough going through a break up without beating yourself up too.
Look after yourself. That means eating properly and not doing the backstroke in vats of vino every night.
It does get easier,I know that's hard to believe right now, but it does take time. You'll get there tho.
Hug to you. Onward and upwards.

[myfriendnigel]

The walks will help though even if you don't realise it -keeps the seratonin levels up. It's helped me even though some days it was all I achieved.at least I achieved that.

[acdcfan]

Gin this IS your support group! Just keep posting on this thread

[DefinitelyMaybe122]

Glad to hear you have some RL support Gin.

Sad to say but he is not your friend anymore and will continue to disappoint you a lot over the next few months. Be prepared to see a totally different side to the man you thought you knew.

Is there a local dogwalking group you could get involved with to meet some new friends?

Thinking of you

[GinBunny]

I've found out that there is RL support from where you least expect it today. I've started telling people and some are like "Oh dear that's a shame, look after yourself" while others have been "right, when can I come over?" I don't feel so isolated now and having spent the day with his aunt I feel like I have been looked after and that there are people who care.
The tosser was supposed to come round at 9am this morning, as I said he is staying in his office, but didn't turn up. Now, guess where he was.
That's been a game changer for me.
Dona, I get exactly what you mean about being miserable on long walks, have been thinking about what to do this weekend and came up with the same thought! All I can do is take every day as it comes for now. I'm going back to work Monday as having spent the day out today can see how unhealthy it is me being here on my own.
God I would love a support group right now. There are a lot of hours in the day to keep trying to distract your thoughts and keep busy! Perhaps we should ask MN to start one?!

[donajimena]

It will hit you several times I think before reality sets in.
If he was telling the truth (rather than rewriting history) I have a teeny bit of respect for him for not lying (she meant nothing etc or he is actually with her) but its only a teeny bit because the conversation should have taken place before looking around.
Can you plan something for this weekend? I'm not sure quite what. I went on long walks thinking it would make me feel better. Instead I was just miserable on my long walks
There should be support groups for people who have relationship break ups. I could have done with one! I'm nowhere near you either.

[GinBunny]

I'm such an idiot. Of course I was calm last night, I'd spent the day with him and was going to spend today with him. I was spending my time with him and he was there and that was all I wanted.
Big reality check today, he is leaving and we are not "hanging out" together.
He phoned his aunt to ask if he could stay there, she bless her told him it was a better idea if I did, so here I am. I'm not going to stay over tonight because of the dogs but I have a distraction today and someone to talk to.

[EmeraldIsle100]

You have come such a long way since your first post. I admire you very much, that takes guts. Night night, I hope sleep well.