Family disowning me over boyfriend

[LostConfused]

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends what can I do???

I would bet good money he's been pretty aggressive and verbally abusive to you last time.

I have been in your situation, and know the answer is not as simple as just 'dumping him'. I was with my ex for six years - I was recovering from alcohol addiction, while he continued to smoke weed - heavily. My mum and my sister despised him, to the point where I'd actually lied to them about our relationship. He was always disappearing to a nearby city to visit friends anyway- my family thought he was only visiting to see DS at weekends. I kept this bullshit up for four years.

It was only when he cheated on me in May, that my mum and sister realised the relationship had been much more than they had assumed (and in hindsight, I don't believe it was even the first time he slept with someone else).

Now, a few months on, I realise just how low my self-esteem had sunk, and how unhappy I was. It's terribly hard when you have a child together - you can't resist that urge to try and 'make it work'. But you will be better off out of it.

please, please read my thread....DAUGHTER RETURNING TO ABUSIVE EX...ADVICE PLEASE........
it will tell you all you need to know. We have had over 20 years of hell, due to dd's horrendous decisions.
They will NEVER change, you are preparing yourself for a life of hell, plus serious damage for your child.
dd has isolated herself from family, this time for good.
We are exhausted in so many ways.
We will never trust her, believe a word she ever said.
As a family we are just about BROKEN.
PLEASE read my thread, then use your head, you will have a liaafetime of abuse, then by the time your son is 20 he will truly be his fathers's son, I assure you he will follow his father as a role model, ugh

You know if after you had split he had made the effort to be a good Dad to his son it might be different but basically he didn't. You are free to allow him to break your heart again and let you down (and that can happen in any relationship but the odds of it happening with his past record are much higher) BUT with such a rubbish history can you really want to risk your son suffering rejection from him again especially now he's old enough to be really hurt? Not to mention losing the contact with grandparents and aunts and uncles who have always had a presence in his life.

I would not risk this man hurting my son, a child he has never bothered supporting. Stay friends with him (assuming pure friendship and no sex / bed for the night doesn't have him disappearing) with the understanding that once he has a proper job and his own place you may reconsider (and see once he has a job if he offers child support) . At the moment he isn't gambling because he can't afford to, the real test is once he has the means to gamble if he does or not. Odds are though he won't be prepared to put in the effort ...and that means he is not worthy of a place within your little family. You may not think you are worth better than the crumbs he is currently offering you ......but surely you believe your son is worth better ?

I was this friend once.
I have been in the reverse situation and I think you need to take a seriously long, hard think about why they've chosen to cut you off.

It's not a decision made lightly, it's a decision made over time and YOU might find it heartbreaking but it's worse for us, the friends.

I had to watch my friend destory her life in the space of 5 months. She had a kid with scum of the earth, he was absent for the first 3 years and all of a sudden he's back on the scene because she got drunk and needed a shag.

I had to watch her sink herself into debt because she kept paying for his shitty habits, she was an amazing single mother before he reappeared and the minute he did she just stopped caring about her daughters life. She kept drugs in her house, smoked weed in her house, she got (still does) drunk every weekend and would ask us to pick her kid up because she was so hungover she couldn't cope.

It was disgusting. Final blow came when he kicked the shit into her while her daughter was screaming and the police arrested him. We were there ready to get her through never seeing him again and the minute he got out of jail the first thing she did was get him over to her house and just like that they've been back together ever since playing happy families.

I couldn't stand by and watch that happen, if you think it hurts having your family and friends cut you off believe me it's much more heartbreaking for us.

I used to get so stressed every day wanted to shake her because she just couldn't and wouldn't accept that she wasn't just destroying her life she was setting her kid up for a life of disaster.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, leave this guy and speak to your friends again. They are doing this for a reason. Yes family and friends stick it out through thick and thin, but not through choice circumstances. She was choosing to go back to this waste of space while we were going through hell completely out of our hands, the friendship is ruined and unless you see sense yours will also be ruined.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say ' been there, done that'.

I was with him 7 yrs, I spent the last 3 yrs being absolutely fed up and trying to find the courage to leave but also trying to make him 'responsible', for anything.

That didn't happen and eventually I left. He had to be forced to have contact with his 2 children, twice, and hasn't bothered since! Its almost 11 years since I escaped from that awful existance.

Within days of getting out I could see a proper future for my children with what I now deem as normal things like nursery, holidays and a car because after being in that relationship for so long I didn't even have the confidence to phone someone to arrange for my son to go to nursery! And we didn't have any money as any spare was spent on weed, computers and computer games.

The last I heard about him, about 6 yrs ago, he still didn't work, smoked weed and played computer games. He was a mod on a forum though so at least he'd achieved something that would get him remembered in the future!!!!!!

And he still hasn't seen his kids or asked how they are or paid child support.

Your standards in a man are pretty low. He was not very useful from the beginning and you still went on to have a child with him.

That was a poor choice on your part and the reason many children have poor role models as father.

Your family are right. They are fed up of seeing you with this loser, but clearly you don't see that. Is he the kind of man you want your son to be like or for your daughter to end up with?

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin.

Wrong

They aren't there to support you in making stupid decisions. Through thick and thin means through good times and bad times.

When the going gets tough. Not when you decide to deliberately mess up your life and their grandsons and nephews life.

Your decisions clearly have an impact on them and they love you and want you to start being sensible.

Have you asked yourself whether you have participated in putting your boyfriends welfare above your friends, family and child?
Lied to them, dropped them when he needs/wants you? Borrowed money? Told them things that made them concerned for you but then ignored all their advice.

I promise you they are heartbroken at their decision. No one cuts out family or a friend lightly without just being at their last straw.

If you love him more than you value yourself or their real, genuine support then they may have had enough. They don't want to be around to watch.

Your anger is Mis directed. You have chosen a dodgy, well worn path of toxic love with this man and there is ALWAYS a price to pay, and you are paying it. I know that really hurts to hear. But you can control your own life and show your family how much you value yourself and your son and that's all they want for you - happiness. But clearly not at this cost, of being with a morally bankrupt drug user.

If you had a daughter how would you feel about your boyfriend as a person then?

So he's a weed smoker, gambler, cheat, jobless, homeless, benefit cheat?

He denied he was your sons father and hasn't contributed towards him?

The only thing missing here is alcohol problems and a porn addiction..

Please get rid. Today.

"He must be amazing in bed!!!!"

Really?

I wish I could respond to everyone and tell everyone why I love this guy so much.

Well, can you try? Because what we see is a man who cheated on you, who denied his son, and would rather use his money for weed than on supporting his son. Frankly, I can't see anything lovable there. If you love him because he's nice to you occasionally and flatters you and tells you he loves you, and you believe that outweighs everything else, you really are deceiving yourself.

OP, you really need some help with your self-esteem issues. When my ex cheated (I suspect for the third time - this occasion was the only one where I had 'proof', for what that's worth), I was utterly heartbroken and had to confide in my sister and mother. Because of years of lying to them about our 'relationship', they were completely shocked and I am now working on rebuilding the trust, faith and honesty we once shared as a family. And it's tough. My ex is extremely manipulative, and I am now considering going through the courts regarding access.

Because of his behaviour, habits etc, I know he doesn't have a hope in hell of having any access outside a contact centre. I then feel 'guilty' about this. I'm having counselling to work on my confidence and build my self-esteem, so that I can make the necessary changes to the lives of DS and I. You have a lot of work to do, but you can survive the inevitable break-up. You need a support network with a young child, and this man is preventing that from happening.

Tell us more about the effects you think he is having on your son.

He's a total user. I can't understand why you're putting him above your DS, family, friends. It's weird.

Are you quite sure your son adores him? After a certain amount of observation, I reckon children who 'adore' their parent often aren't actually very secure so they make a big fuss of them. Children who are really loved by their parents don't tend to need to be 'adoring'.

He had nothing to do with our son for the first year of my sons life. Didn't accept he was his and hasn't paid anything towards him. When i read this, tbh I'm sure he doesn't love your son very much. But ... maybe that's mistaken ... Question. If you separate, how much effort do you think he'll put seeing him after 5 years?

Btw no worthwhile person would let the love of their life do all the work, bankroll them gambling and doing drugs, and sitting on the computer all the time. He even gets sex presumably. He's no self respect at all has he? None for your either.

And no worthwhile person would pay nothing towards their baby. If he genuinely doubted the baby was his, a dna test would sort that out.

You sound lovely OP and unfortunately the dregs and wasters of today can spot it a mile away, he's taken full advantage here:

1. he smokes week
2. he gambles or did
3. shit dad, all kids will adore their parent even if they are axe murderers
4. he doesn't work, you are providing for him whilst he sits on his arse and takes advantage
5. your family are well wise to him
6. he cheats on you
7. dodgy friends (in your home)

I could go on, tbh, the weed smoking is not so bad if it's done away from the home, it's the totality of everything else.

You love him, I get that, easy for us to say get rid, you will get there in time I am sure but I think you need to get him out your home first of all.

No regular job? Where does he get the money to pay for weed after all its not cheap is it? Do you give it to him? Or does he spend his occasional cash in hand money on weed instead of on family life and his son?

He is "trying" etc. "Trying" what? Get a job - period. A weed smoking gambler with dodgy friends tho... its to be hoped he doesn't land trouble on your doorstep that could also impact on you and your son

I don't agree with your family snubbing you - it smacks of wanting to control your life and choices they can be hands-off and let you know in no uncertain terms they don't want to be involved, but I can't see why they have to freeze you out. & what about your son, they're his family too so do they not see and speak to him? Has he been frozen out too?

But Im thinking the level of the snubbing may mean you've got into shit with your man in the past and then run to your family and friends for help regularly, and all of a sudden the guy who caused all the upset they had to pick up the pieces of, is back.

Whatever the case may be it seems clear you, your man and situation are getting on their nerves OP, and they don't want to see or hear anymore about it. Its not their drama and they don't want to be around expected to sort out the crash yet again, when it happens.

If you've been around them extolling his virtues and oh how he is so changed, how he is trying, your amazing moments, on & on and so forth then their eyes must be rolling into the back of their heads. They don't need to hear it - & they don't want to hear it

Youve had good advice from pp, the Freedom Programme sounds a good one. Im not saying a person can't change (although Im not a great believer that leopards ever truly change their spots) but this man doesn't sound as if he adds much to your life and yet, you want to share your life with him.

He's not a good role model for your son either. Hopefully you will put yourself and son 1st, if he's changed then he can show you can't he? As in stop trying, start doing. & be consistent with that

He sounds like a skank. Listen to your mum & friends

You're being an idiot. Never put a man before your friends and family.

Leave him. Your family and friends only care and aren't love blind.

I went against advice from my friends and family and had a baby with the biggest mistake of my life. Was going to warn you but see that you already have a child together.

It isn't an amazing love story with this guy, in a few years you will wonder what the fuck you were thinking and why you wasted some of your best years on this twat, you are not Romeo and Juliet and as much as you feel some emotional pull to. Him seriously consider walking away now and never looking back, once you make a break it is much easier in my experience.

Sorry to be harsh but the pathetic, whiney, teenage "but I loooooove him" doesn't really cut it when you're responsible for a child.

What do you love? His drug abuse? The fact that he abandoned his own baby? The homelessness and unemployment? The 'dodgy' people he associates with, who will likely be around your child?

No, I know! It's that for the rest of your life you will never know when someone will knock on the door to collect debts that he can't pay because he's a gambler and that's what they do.

He didn't 'come back into your life'. You brought him back in.

Of course your family have washed their hands. You're damaging their grandson/nephew.