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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family disowning me over boyfriend

130 replies

LostConfused · 01/09/2016 08:26

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me Sad so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends Sad what can I do???

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 08:47

Then for your sons benefit, get rid

It will do him no good having a drug addict and a gambler around as a role model

Original poster
LostConfused · 01/09/2016 08:47

To answer hellsbells,

He doesn't have a job at the moment he does some cash in hand work now and then but no job
He doesn't have a place he lived with his parents and stays between my 2 bed flat and his parents

I guess his biggest change is dropping the gambling. He seems focused on getting a proper job and providing for us at the moment

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 01/09/2016 08:47

Surely you realise you can do better than him?

Scribblegirl · 01/09/2016 08:48

through thick and thin

This comment is so telling, OP - that statement refers to bad things that happen to us, rather than the choices we make. You are not a victim of circumstance, you have choices and options. He is not something that has 'happened' to you, and you are not powerless to the love you are feeling. You are an adult - a mother - with choices and options. Your family are unhappy with your choice.

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 08:48

Until he relapses.

Addiction is hard to overcome. Sometimes it's inpossible to completely recover

JedRambosteen · 01/09/2016 08:50

I'd put money on him still gambling (irony alert!).

He sounds like exactly the wrong person to be hitching you and your son's future and fortunes to. No wonder your family have taken a step back. It's your son I feel really sorry for. Poor little bugger.

AgentProvocateur · 01/09/2016 08:50

What a great role model for your son Hmm An unemployed, homeless, dope-smoking gambler.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/09/2016 08:52

Please do go on-line and look into doing the 'Freedom Programme'
You are describing so many red flags here and are still prepared to overlook them.
It's £10 to do it on-line as you need a book.
But it will really help you to spot wankers, set boundaries, lift your self esteem and not let addicts into your sons life!!!
Please do it.

he has bad moments and what do these involve?
Is he paying towards supporting his son?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 08:52

The fact that you have a son with this fuckwit is even more concerning to me and clearly this is why your family are really pulling the drawbridge up to make you realise just what you are doing.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2016 08:52

Run for the hills, OP. Just run.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:53

FFS, you have a child?

He doesn't have a job (well not a legitimate one) and he doesn't have a home. What a surprise. Yeah, a real prince amongst men, this one!

In fact all he has done is told you he's stopped gambling. And how long ago did this happen? Just over a month? For just about as long as you and he have been back together?

Seriously, if you continue with this, I guarantee you will be back here at some point in the near future saying, "I wish I'd listened to you all. He's cheated on me again. He's spent our son's Christmas present money on weed. He's gambled away my rent/bill money..." [delete as appropriate]

Why not tell him that if he wants to be with you he needs to get off the weed; find a job; get somewhere to live; not go back to gambling.

And then, in a year's time, if he has done all of this and proved himself to you, fine, get back with him.

How does it make you feel when you think about doing that? Do you think he could do it?

Evergreen17 · 01/09/2016 08:54

Dump him. I am sorry but he is bad news and your family will always be there for you but this is probably their last attempt to make you see the light.
I know it is very hard to walk away from a relationship when you are in love, but you have to think about the future very carefully here.

"The good moments are amazing"

Hun, I was there 9 years ago. "But when it is good, it is so good!" Now O realise, with my DH that it is normally good, with some little bad moments which are usually not that bad.

Nobody is saying that it would be easy, but that is not a happy relationship and you have to take responsibility. Your family are doing that because they care and love you but you are wrong in thinking they are meant to be happy for you because they care! Which is exactly why they are doing this.

Sorry sweets but you have to dump him or accept that this is the life you have chosen for you and your child.

Very hard, I know. I was there once.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 08:55

Just out of curiosity, what did you think people would be saying?

Evergreen17 · 01/09/2016 08:55

And sorry but cash in hand? Not tax paying either but gambling and out of a job.
Hun you have to set a good example for your son, and his future and you know this

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/09/2016 08:56

Oh and a cocklodger

Op if he really wants to prove himself he can do,that without leaching off of you and your good will.
Tell him get a job and keep,for a year, find a place to live and see his child away from your flat.

Pay you maintenance regularly and give up the weed and dump the mates, and then you'll talk relationship. That normally sorts the men from the boys, I totally agree with what another poster said about you choosing your own car crash life, instead of being helpless to stop things.

If your friends and family are willing to ditch you because of him, it shows how exhausted they are with the whole idea of you fucking up your and your child's life willingly.

Solasum · 01/09/2016 08:56

How about trying something different OP? Wait for him to sort himself out and become a good role model for your son, and only when this has happened consider getting back together?

Evergreen17 · 01/09/2016 08:56

What scribble said about thick and thin totally agree

P1nkP0ppy · 01/09/2016 08:56

You just happen to mention there's a little boy too....
Great role model then, druggy, gambling, homeless and unemployed/unemployable dope hea for a father.
I'm not in the slightest bit surprised your family are disowning you.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 01/09/2016 08:57

What sort of a role model is a weed smoking dad? Of course having a child will effect responses because you're totally allowed to wreck your own life but not your child's, time to grow up and put your child first.

hotdiggedy · 01/09/2016 08:58

Well, I cant imagine why your friends and family are against him. He sounds great!

GET RID!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 01/09/2016 08:58

And a 'cocklodger' to boot!
What a gem????
I'll bet between you and his DM you mother him as well, do his washing, cook for him, tidy up after him. Oh deary deary me!! Sad

Sorry OP, I know this all sounds doom and gloom and harsh at the moment.
The truth is, that is exactly what your future will be if you keep this lazy, drug addict in your and DS life.

But it doesn't have to be like this.
Kick him into touch.
Let him know, once he has a good, stable and legal job, his own living accommodation, has given up the weed and can show he has savings, then you might consider the future.
This one is going to be a hard slog for you, while he sits back and lets you work and earn the money while he sits indoors smoking weed and playing video games.
Just no no no.

Please understand where your mum and friends are coming from.
NOTHING has changed. It really hasn't.
Stop listening to his lies and manipulation.
Time to put yourself and your DS first and get on with your life being a fabulous mum.

blushrush · 01/09/2016 09:00

If you've only been seeing him again for a month and a bit, what's the rush to get back into something serious?

You say he has changed, which is great. But why do you have to go right back to how it was if it is causing you so much stress. I assume you and your child were managing fine before he came back into your lives, so why not ease this in slowly?

Back off a bit from rushing straight back into the relationship. Keep your distance until you can be sure that these new changes are going to stick.

Spend time with him, but not all your time. Let him know that you can and will manage without him so if he doesn't buck up and get a new job, showing that his new-found change is for real, you will happily continue without him.

And just a side note on your 'family/friends should support you no matter what' thing, there is a difference between support and blindly agreeing with someone even when you think it's wrong.

Would you prefer that they smiled and nodded to your face, but then expressed their true feelings behind your back?

IzzyIsBusy · 01/09/2016 09:00

I cannot for the life of me understand what makes this guy attractive Confused

He would rather use drugs than provide for his child. He still has friends who are dodgy and he clearly gives not a shit about you or his son.

You sound like a jezza guest " but I luuurrvvee him" Hmm

I am with your family on this one. Make choices that screw up your own life OP but thats so wrong to drag a child in to it.

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 09:02

He doesn't have a job at the moment he does some cash in hand work now and then but no job - so he's a tax dodger too, and whilst he's working cash in hand would I be right in assuming he's claiming job seekers too? If he hasn't a steady job then can he watch your son whilst you go to work? (or perhaps he does)?

He doesn't have a place he lived with his parents and stays between my 2 bed flat and his parents - just a guess, you're claiming benefits as a single parent?

Get rid, get some morals and have a good think about how you can both be good role models for your son.

peppercold · 01/09/2016 09:02

Did he see your son when you were apart? Support him?