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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family disowning me over boyfriend

130 replies

LostConfused · 01/09/2016 08:26

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me Sad so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends Sad what can I do???

OP posts:
Katinkka · 01/09/2016 09:20

Well, what everyone else said as well as the weed smoking will probably result in mental health issues also.

He sounds bloody awful, however I think it's very harsh of your family to treat you this way, but they probably are aware of more than we area, reading this.

SaggyNaggy · 01/09/2016 09:20

Long after this "man" has fucked up and fucked off your family will still be your family. Simple question then:

what's more important?

your family, who have helped supported and been there or someone that cheated, smokes weed, denied fatherhood, fucked off for a year?

I know which id pick.

As for the "But I love him" argument.... What could ypou love about him? He has little to no respect for you, denied parenthood, smokes weed etc etc. Not exactly a good role model or father... Confused

NicknameUsed · 01/09/2016 09:22

He doesn't love you. He sees you as a free meal ticket to provide somewhere to sleep, food and someone to sleep with. He doesn't care about you or your son, just himself.

You must realise by now why everyone on this thread, plus your family and friends can see what you can't.

You need to work on your self esteem so that you can understand why you deserve so much more than this excuse of a "man"

If you can't dump him for yourself, do it for your son

MrsRaymondReddington · 01/09/2016 09:24

I think you know what you need to do and this is really one of those times that head should rule over heart. It's very difficult to end a relationship before you're 100% ready to do so though. I think that if you up and left tomorrow because you know it's the right thing to do, you may end up getting back together and starting this whole cycle again. Having said that, there is a child involved, which complicates the matter.

Ask yourself... Can you see yourself being with this man FOREVER? If the answer is no, then it will come to an end and it's up to you to take off the rose tinted glasses and see the reasons why you won't be with him forever. These reasons should and will override the reasons to stay.

As for friends and family....have they had to pick up the pieces for you before? If so, then yes I suppose it is something you would expect them to do, but they may have grown tired of doing it, so you need to make it clear that you won't need them to do it for you again, that you are strong enough to deal with things.

I have quite a wealth of experience with this sort of situation, so of course this is all just my opinion. Feel free to message me if you want and good luck.

ReadyPlayerOne · 01/09/2016 09:24

If he wants to prove himself by getting a job etc, he can do that without being your partner. He can prove himself by getting a job, getting his own place to live and supporting his son. So far all he's proving is that he can make promise, not that he can keep them.

Liiinoo · 01/09/2016 09:25

You have a clear choice here - your family and son or him. You know what is the right thing to do. It will be hard but worth it. Every day you are with this loser is a day you can't form a good relationship with someone better. Good luck with it.

Petal40 · 01/09/2016 09:26

Wow,son??? You have a son in this mess? Where does it say that in the original post...that changes things massively ....no wonder everyone is against him. Put yr son first and get him a decent father figure....I bet you didnt post half the bad things about him that you could of done,so we would hopefully back you up and say oh yr friends and family are wrong....yr son deserves a happy stable home..nothing you have said about this man suggests he could give him that

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 01/09/2016 09:26

To be honest, in my opinion, I think whatever anyone says here, you'll still stay with him. I feel you've just came on here to validate your choice, and the more (like your family) people say stay away from him, the more you'll dig your heels in and stay with him. I just hope that ten years down the line, when he's offered nothing but to alienate you from your family, that you don't then regret your decision. I'm a stranger but all I ask is please don't put your beautiful child through anything that he doesn't need to, I'm sure you know what I mean.

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/09/2016 09:27

Hi Lost, I know it's difficult, where matters of the heart are concerned, but as you can see, we are all voting him gone.
Make a firm decision, and do not let him wheedle his way back in.
As you have said yourself, on paper, the picture is pretty clear.
You are a good Mum, concentrate on the future of your child, this man is not, and never will be a good, or reliable role model.
Your friends and family love you, they fear for your future, and that of your child. They are turning a blind eye, as at present it is looking pretty bleak.
Be strong, your child needs you, sometimes love is blind. Good luck.

Dozer · 01/09/2016 09:27

It's really really sad that you expect so very little of a relationship and have put up with so much shit from this total loser. That "followi g your heart" means remaining in a shit relationship with someone whose primary relationships are addictive substances and gambling. Why is that? Do you have rock bottom self esteem, terrible role models?

Loving someone does not mean it's OK to remain in a relationship with them when they're a loser, especially when they've been a loser as a parent too and you have DC to consider. Of course your son "adores" his father: all DC do! But his father hasn't done right by him and prioritises his addictions and idiot mates, and treats his mother badly.

Apart from your poor decisions about this relationship you have everything going for you: family and friends who love you, your DC, flat! You can have a good life. Please reconnect with family and friends and properly listen!

greenlass · 01/09/2016 09:28

I was in a similar situation at the start of this year.
I've lost family members & now two close friends & it's really sad but you can't control the feelings or decisions of other adults so they did what they wanted to do, their call.

I felt I had to concentrate on my own life & relationship & take the chance

To be honest whether it works for you or doesn't with him the only person that can decide is YOU.

I felt after they "cut" me out no matter what the outcome I would never be their family again as it wasn't their place & the fact they could do that anyway because I wasn't willing to dance to their tune.

No one else has the right to live your life for you, control your decisions or influence them.

They can tell you they think you're a twat & probably asking for trouble,

Entitled to their opinions but I don't see how cutting you off if they're concerned is in any way supportive.

If they are worried they should draw you closer not push you away.

Hopefully it works out for you,
It might not overnight & it might not be easy but at least you'll know you followed your own heart / mind & gave it your best shot.

NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 09:30

He had nothing to do with our son for the first year of my sons life. Didn't accept he was his and hasn't paid anything towards him.

That tells you every single thing you need to know about him. He hasn't paid anything towards his son since you got back together? Surely if he wanted to demonstrate that he was on the level that's the first thing he would do. After all, he's got money to spare if he's buying weed.

IdaDown · 01/09/2016 09:31

What's he been doing with himself for the past year?

More like, who's he been doing for the last year.

You're just one in a line of B&Bs.

Cocklodger - who denies his own son.

HerOtherHalf · 01/09/2016 09:32

You are deluding yourself. This guy has not changed one bit, despite your claims in the OP. He is bad news and he will always be bad news. He will bring you down and he will bring your son down too.

Have you stopped to think about why your mother, sister and friends are cutting you off? It's not so much because they think they can make you choose by doing so, it's because subconsciously they are trying to emotionally protect themselves. They can see where this is heading, they can see the damage this relationship is going to do to you and they can see that they are powerless to prevent the inevitable from happening. The only option they have left to try and minimize the pain they feel is to try and wean themselves off their love for you. It won't work sadly and they will still get very badly hurt when your life turns into an irreparable train wreck but they are out of options. The power to avoid that is all in your hands.

You expect them to care about you yet you don't seem to be caring about them.

greenlass · 01/09/2016 09:35

Does no one see an issue that they are threatening to cut OP off!?
Sorry but in my eyes that's pretty horrible & drastic & not okay even if OP is making the biggest mistake of her life .....

EmergentFaction · 01/09/2016 09:39

I'm worried that your family have stopped speaking to you. I don't think that's helpful of them. Surely you will be drawn to this guy more then as you lose others in your life.
Good luck OP.

Original poster
LostConfused · 01/09/2016 09:39

Petal is right a lot more has gone on but I don't feel too comfortable sharing it as its identifying.

Ismyusernamerubbish, I can see why you think that but the thought of people thinking I am a bad parent hurts me more than having to lose him

Greenlass it's horrible isn't it. I feel angry at my mum and I feel angry at my friends for cutting me off but after the responses on here I suppose I can see why they did ? I miss my friends and haven't spoken to them in a while . I have other friends but these 3 were my closest

I wish I could respond to everyone and tell everyone why I love this guy so much.
I know I will have to leave him eventually as it is affecting my son. Keeping him around would be bad for my son and I can't have that on my conshus (sorry I have no idea how to spell that word Blush)

OP posts:
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 09:40

You say that, greenlass, but there actions were so drastic that it forced her to come here and seek other views. The fact that these views all corroborate those of her friends and family has pushed her to reconsider.

In her last message she said she knew it was right and was hoping that someone, anyone, would tell her that she should follow her heart.

They haven't.

Her family did the exact right thing. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love making a huge mistake, but sometimes the only thing you can do is let them. They need to protect themselves. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

They have done the right thing. And it was done out of love, not malice. And the fact that they have all done it speaks volumes.

greenlass · 01/09/2016 09:42

If he loves you & wants it to work he'll do anything so will respect the fact you don't want him staying under your roof & need to see some serious changes first before you can take things further.
It's far from okay what you're family are doing but you need to focus on yourself, your little boy & stand firm.
If he is really changing & wanting to do the right thing he'll understand the need to take it slowly & from a bit of a distance,

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 09:43

You are not a bad mum. You haven't said, "fuck 'em then" and ridden off into the sunset with this guy. You haven't told us that we don't know him or your love. You've listened and you've taken it on board. And you feel crap, which, sadly, is the very marker of a good mum!!

Be strong. You did it before, you can do it again. You will be fine. Flowers

(oh and it's conscience Wink )

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 01/09/2016 09:43

Argh their, not there!!!!

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 09:47

I had a friend like you.

Notice had.

She got with this guy and they were both drug addicts. Terribly so.

She fell pregnant so cleaned up her act. He flittered in and out of his daughters life. The daughter adored him. Still does and the mother has to watch her daughter sob everyone he chooses drugs or his new gf over her.

She was warned over and over again that he was no good. Did she listen? No. She went on to have another baby and then went on to have twins.

She is now a single mother to 4 children under 5. He has a new gf and graces his children with his presence when he feels like it.

I've had to hide her FB. The amount of "got to watch my little girls heart break again. That's it! He's had his last chance" followed by a week later of " such a daddy's girl. Look at those two!"is heartbreaking. If she carries on, those children are going to need therapy

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceInUnderpants · 01/09/2016 09:50

There is an ongoing thread here from the mum of a daughter who has returned to a 'bad' relationship. It is utterly heartbreaking. Maybe another poster has the link, I think you could do with reading it.