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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family disowning me over boyfriend

130 replies

LostConfused · 01/09/2016 08:26

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me Sad so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends Sad what can I do???

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 01/09/2016 09:03

really and truly try counselling or the freedom programme to find out why you are making these self destructive relationship choices and how to spot the red flags and then choose a person who will enhance your life not drag you down.

as an example, I used to choose losers because I wanted to 'rescue' people. my role in my family growing up was to look after the rest of the family and it just continued into adult life. I was also v passive and let men choose me - as if there was no role for me to choose them as well. so if they declared undying love and were a bit pathetic and in need of care, I would rush in. that wasnt really love and it wasnt a good choice on my part.

Original poster
LostConfused · 01/09/2016 09:04

I know you're all right.

I do, I honestly just think I was looking for someone to tell me to go with my heart and stick with him.

Nobody has & that speaks volumes Sad

I feel like a rotten mother. I won't come back to the thread for a while as i am away to drop my son at nursery for the day.

Just need to work up the courage to actually tell him to go .. I provide everything so him leaving won't make an impact on my finances or anything. Just need to get my head in the right space to do it

Very sad Sad

OP posts:
user7755 · 01/09/2016 09:04

It was my mum telling me that if I chose to go back to my ex she wouldn't be there for me if it all went wrong again which made it hit home what a rotten fucktard he was.

I didn't go back to him, not because I was scared of not having her support but because I realised that for her to say that, things must have been really bad. With space I began to get perspective on what an abusive arsehole he was.

Listen to your friends and family, they are giving you a very clear message.

Has he had anything to do with your child while he's been on and off the scene, working on and off?

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 09:05

I'm sorry OP

I know this is all very tough reading

But life isn't a fairy tale where you get to follow your heart because you love him.

Original poster
LostConfused · 01/09/2016 09:05

He had nothing to do with our son for the first year of my sons life. Didn't accept he was his and hasn't paid anything towards him.

Writing it down is really making me see what a fool I've been

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phillipp · 01/09/2016 09:07

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin.

I don't agree with this. What it's really means is 'because I am related to you, you must choose to sit back and watch me do what I want to do. Regardless of how painful it is for you or how it impacts your life.'

Sometimes it's just not possible be able to sit back and watch someone ruin their lives...again.

TotalConfucius · 01/09/2016 09:08

Sometimes, you can love someone so much and see them being hurt so often that you have to save yourself by removing yourself from the situation. That's what your family are doing. They cannot bear to sit by and watch you and their grandchild go through this again...and again...and again. Cos he'll stitch you up again and again and again.

BTW, if the weed no longer affects him like it did, expect him to find something a bit stronger to compensate for that. And then he'll build up a tolerance to that new substance, so he'll need to find something a bit stronger. And so on.

Tell him to look you up in a few years and show you payslips, bank statements, and clear drug tests. If he can find you, as you'll have made a proper life for you and your child.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/09/2016 09:08

So you have your own place to live.
You work to provide for your son.
You love him and keep him fed and healthy.
You are NOT a rotten mother.
You are making a bad choice right now as a role model for your DS but you posted on here and heard some hard home truths.
You will do the right thing now so don't beat yourself up.
I'm assuming you are young and you will be learning a lot of life lessons as the years go by.
Every day's a school day - as the saying goes.
Live, learn, make the right decisions for you and your DS and life will be just fine!

LadyMoth · 01/09/2016 09:10

The thing is OP however much you love someone, the love dies a death if they keep showing you disrespect, letting you carry the workload and hurting you by putting themselves/their addictions/their dodgy mates first. Bit by bit, if you try to make a life with a twat like this, you'll start to hate him. I have been through this and have now left the man I was "so in love with" initially and I can hardly stand the sight of him. I've disrupted our kids' lives and it's all a horrible, painful mess.

Also, though my ex had stopped smoking weed by the time we had kids, the vast amount he smoked earlier in his life left him with serious mental health and information processing problems. Sometimes it's been like living with someone with Alzheimer's. I used to be quite relaxed about less "serious" drugs and had the odd joint myself in my youth, but I've changed my mind. I'd now advise my DC to tread very carefully around habitual/heavy weed users because the effects can be with them for life.

GemmaB78 · 01/09/2016 09:10

Your son can still adore him, spend time with him, etc. without you being together.

I have an ex like this. It's only since he became an ex that I found out what my friends and family thought of him (and it's not nice). From my experiences I can tell you:

  1. He will NEVER give up the weed. NEVER.
  2. His dodgy friends will at times be more important to him than you.
  3. He will gamble again. Probably. Those people with addictive personalities will, mostly, inevitably, be drawn back to it. If not gambling, then something else.

I know it's hard because you love him. But trust me, there will be someone else out there who is sweet and kind and loving. And everything else that you deserve and more.

user7755 · 01/09/2016 09:10

Lost - hopefully you will get support on here now rather than 'tough love'. I think maybe you had romanticised the situation in your head, but you've been hit with the reality which is hard for you. Send him on his way, arrange a nice outing or something with your little boy. Get a babysitter and go out somewhere with those friends and enjoy a life of independence, doing what you want rather than having to deal with a leech.

phillipp · 01/09/2016 09:10

What the fuck?

Not only is he a shit boyfriend, he denied he was the father to your son?

So who helped you out in that year? Who gave you support, emotional or practical?

That's why your mother can't just carry on as normal. He is a dick who denied his own son, hasn't paid anything and hasn't had anything to do with his son.

Please op speak to your mum, tell her you realised its a mistake and get her help getting rid. Even if she is just emotional support for you after you dump him.

pinkyredrose · 01/09/2016 09:13

Coocklodger! He's using you for a roof over his head and sex. I bet he doesn't contribute to your household and that you feed him too. Listen anyone can say anything, actions speak far far louder.

Kenduskeag · 01/09/2016 09:13

In five years you'll wonder what on earth you were thinking. As you're posting in Relationships and getting advice on how to work up the confidence to leave.

You think things are 'good' but you've set the bar pretty low. You can see a thousand anecdotes unfold whereby 'good' is a word used for 'well he doesn't hit me' or 'well he only has a minor criminal record' - one person's 'good' is another's 'absolutely hell no, bottom of the barrel'.

Take him back if you like cheats. That will happen again. Also if you don't mind your household's money going on gambling. I mean, if these things are OK with you, fine. He hasn't changed. People never do.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/09/2016 09:14

Seems as though the scales are slowly falling from your eyes.
Your life will improve 100 fold once this sponging dick-head is out of it.

user1471734618 · 01/09/2016 09:14

" He had nothing to do with our son for the first year of my sons life"

He denied his child and ignored him for a year and now you are supporting him?
wtf is wrong with us women?
OP please, dump and run. Think of your poor son, being denied by his father.

user1471734618 · 01/09/2016 09:16

oh and the gambling thing - if he says he has stopped, he is lying. it is an addiction. YOu cannot just drop it.

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 09:17

I feel like a rotten mother. - You're not a rotten mother, sometimes the 'right' decisions are the hardest and most heartbreaking.

AlfrescoBalconyWanker · 01/09/2016 09:17

You're not his partner, you're his target.

If you didn't have money for him to spend or a home or him to live in, would he be interested in you? He's clearly not bothered by having a relationship with his son.

LadyMoth · 01/09/2016 09:18

Oh and mine cheated on me too, a long time ago. We separated for a while, then got back together and I put his behaviour down to a bout of depression (totally deluding myself). I told myself I was over it and we could move on. Recently the OW came back into my circles and I now have to see her around regularly. Seeing her made me realise I was not over it, he had really, really hurt me and I'd chosen to brush it under the carpet because I "loved him so much" - but it still rankled.

That feeling of "love" is not worth shit when you're dealing with someone who will not treat you well. You let "love" compensate for being treated badly, because of low self-esteem and deep down thinking you have to put up with crap (and I include myself in that assessment too). It took me a long time to wake up and realise I could actually say no to poor behaviour. Please don't wait 10 or 15 years to have that realisation, like I did.

ptumbi · 01/09/2016 09:19

He's a smoker - that's bad enough, but he smokes weed!

He's a gambler - maybe 'stopped' for now, but it'll still be there, in the background.
He doesn't work - or only enough for weed,tobacco, gambling. Doesn't pay or accept his son, and I imagine you cook/shop/feed him?

He has 'dodgy' friends - who know where you live, OP? Maybe one morning, about 2am, they'll be round looking for his drug/gambling debts? That's what I'd be frightened of.

He's a user - of props like drugs, and highs like gambling - and of you.

Get rid. You don't love him - he is just convenient, 'sweet' sometimes, and you think that's enough.

Get rid, for your son's sake. Otherwise he could quite easily turn out the same - as it would be his 'normal'.

Choceeclair123 · 01/09/2016 09:19

He must be amazing in bed!!! What on earth are you doing with this waste of space?!

Petal40 · 01/09/2016 09:19

What happens when you have kids? Do you want their smoking weed? My friend has this problem ...he's always about to give it up,never quite does.and you can smell on her kids clothes faintly

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 09:19

The fact you feel like a rotten mother proves your a good mum

Only good mothers worry about their children