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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused about breakup want him back :(

130 replies

Gracey1231 · 29/08/2016 00:22

First post lol!

6 weeks ago my boyfriend of 11 months and I had a huuuuge argument, where I said something nasty just to hurt him, I have done this before and said I'd stop but as usual it flew out. Anyway, we didn't speak for a week to cool down and he eventually text me like I don't want to end it I love you blah blah blah, on numerous occasions we arranged to see eachother again and he said to me he just wants his own space at the minute, he is scared his feelings have changed towards me, he doesn't feel the same as he did, he feels bad about us because after the arguments and this massive bad one has taken his toll on him.

He left me on Friday (26/08/16) officially and said he had to let me go because he isn't ready to see me yet and can't keep me waiting any longer as it's cruel. Me being a total girl was pleading etc and I said how can I get you back and he said it's too late, I asked him after that if it's forever that we aren't together and he said "I don't know" and that he doesn't want me to just disappear and still wants to talk. I spoke to his mum about us splitting up and she said to me that he said he needs to see if his bad feelings change and doesn't want me hanging on to a maybe, and that he hopes we can stay friends and talk still but is unsure whether he is ready to be with me right now but still has feelings for me.

I messaged him the night he left like "do you still love me" and he read it but didn't reply, I changed my whatsapp photo as it was us two and as soon as I did he messaged me saying "I'll keep our picture just I don't think being together isn't a good idea at the moment" but he doesn't want to be with another girl.

He asked for space and I pushed him like begging to see him etc instead of playing it cool and taking it slowly. Apparently he still has feelings for me. He still has me and him as his whatsapp photo and has been online since just not messaged me.

I love him to pieces and I'm changing my ways, I took him for granted and I really want him back haha :(

Gonna try not to contact him and let him message me first because me "spamming" him with texts caused us to bicker abit in the relationship anyway.

What are my chances of getting him back? And will no contact work maybe make him think of the good instead of the bad, (he still has feelings for me) whilst I sort myself out and become less needy and strong.

I'm gonna not text him until he texts me but I'll send him a birthday card next week, just a simple one.

Help me :( Is it too late?

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 13:15

It's this argument that's pushed him away. Because of how it ended with the hitting etc

Yes and he is right. He can recognise that it has gone TOO FAR this time.

Stop minimising what has happened here. You keep saying it is only three times and only this one argument that pushed him away.

One argument yes but an argument where you said nasty things which he got so angry he hit you for.

And you focus on the quantity: just one argument like this.

Jesus. Once is more than enough.

He can see that if it has come to blows with you, then he has to walk away. He was terrible to have hit you, but the one saving grace it seems is that he is mature enough to recognise that this means you can no longer be together and he isnt a serial abuser who will stick around to use you as a punch bag.

He doesnt want to be in a relationship in involving verbal or physical abuse and he has quite rightly walked away. He can see the relationship is not good for him and he doesn't want to continue.

It is a shame you cannot see it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 13:18

Agree with PP - you are emotionally abusive and I hope for his sake he stays well away.

And yes WTF is 'being a total girl'?

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 13:33

I'm not emotionally abusive and I know I'm not. I clarified what I meant by that. I hope you don't speak to people who have serious problems in their life like this it's disgusting.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 13:36

I would say exactly the same thing to any of my friends if they told me the things you had.

I wouldn't pander to them and tell them methods for trying to get him back, which is what you want and you're just getting angry because people are not telling you what you want to hear.

You have had one serious problem in your life now solved: he's gone. It's over. You're out of another abusive relationship.

That's one problem solved now deal with the rest.

QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 13:43

and take a read of the rest of the boards. You think you're the only one with problems?

Such as having a huuuuuuuuge argument with your bf lol and haha. Read the rest of the boards and see the advice given out to others. People tell it as it is here.

No one on this board is going to advise you to get back with someone who has hit you.

Sorry to disappoint.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 30/08/2016 13:46

Actually, in my job I do have to be quite blunt and tell people how it really is. They don't necessarily like it, but sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you need to hear.

No one has been agressive, rude, over the top or inflammatory. You just don't like what you are hearing.

And for the record, a lot of us have been in toxic/abusive relationships and so we know exactly what they look like and how they sound.

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 13:54

:)

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 30/08/2016 14:06

It is disgusting posters are victim blaming.

It is disgusting posters are calling someone emotionally abusive when the OP hasn't even disclosed what was said.

Baseless projections.

What fucking support.

Advicepls7080 · 30/08/2016 14:06

You came here for advice and you've been given it but don't like it? You're getting defensive over it and coming across as childish.

People can only comment on what you've said which is what people have done. There's not much more anyone can say and no one has been nasty or rude or aggressive they've been honest which is what you need.

Horsegirl1 · 30/08/2016 14:10

Your coming across as needy and to clingy with him. He probably feels Suffocared. Do not message or text him . If he loves you he will get in touch. Harrasing him will only push him further away

Horsegirl1 · 30/08/2016 14:10

*suffocated

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 14:26

@Horsegirl1 that's exactly what I'm gonna do and when we chat I'll play it cool so he knows I'm not in any way tempted to revert to my old ways of being clingy, the anxiety of losing him got to me bad

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/08/2016 14:54

Jesus Gracey - why? WHY?

Why are you talking to - let alone playing it cool so as to win back - a man who hit you?

Why do you want that?

Why do you want speak to him?

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 15:07

@Cabrinha, because I love him and have so many regrets of this argument, if it hadn't have happened we would've probably been together now. It's hurting so much that I dunno if I can still speak to him. I need to tell him this myself. I know it seems silly to you but I haven't disclosed 100% of what's our relationship was and if I had maybe the posts on here wouldn't just be slamming me as an "abusive, manipulative nightmare" which I'm not any of these things. If I thought things were going to be how they were I'd not want him back

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 15:08

@AbyssinianBanana I know I'm not emotionally abusive so what people think isn't relevant. I just don't really like how my ways now have automatically been placed on my childhood and my parents, one of which isn't even here anymore. I just hope these women are nicer to their own children, and do not teach them to be so patronising and quick to jump to conclusions. Rudeness is a stain that doesn't easily come out

OP posts:
Shayelle · 30/08/2016 15:12

Head. Bang. Brickwall..

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 15:13

I never said I was the only one with problems "lol" "haha" I hope to god your children do not turn out as adults who post judgemental comments on the Internet, people tell it as it is here, that may be so, but there is no fucking need to be so rude to someone who may I add you don't know, people's problems are worse than mine, I'd rather help someone than upset them further though love.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/08/2016 15:13

Please Gracey, tell your counsellor that you love a man who hit you before you carry on trying to get him back.

It isn't about how good your relationship was that you haven't shared.

There is NOTHING you can say about how wonderful that was, that makes taking back a man who hit you a good idea.

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 15:14

@Cabrinha, I will do. I think I've become somewhat of a doormat and that's why I've said things to him through fear. Thank you, that seems a good idea. Maybe I'm stupid. But I will definitely mention it too her. Lovely name btw

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 15:21

@Cabrinha, I don't know why I am the way I am with this guy, the last one who hit me beat me really bad to the point of hospitalisation and I was with him for a while and after that I could just walk away. I don't know what it is with him. He's the love of my life and we even spoke about a future together. I'm so stupid

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 18:29

The reason why the OP got labelled an abuser is she drip fed in a very big way.

The first post says quite clearly they had a huge argument and it was her fault and she said nasty things as she always does and now he has gone and she wants him back.

I dont think she told us he hit her until page 3 at least. Had she said that in her opening post, that he'd been violent, the advice would have been very very different.

She calls us all adults and I wonder if she is under 18. Which wouldnt ring true either as she's been with this guy 11 months and had a sexually abusive and physically abusive relationship before this and was apparently with him a while.

If she is over 18, why is she calling us adults as she is one too.

thestamp · 30/08/2016 18:40

Please tell your counselor that this man assaulted you. You are in enormous danger and sound very confused and vulnerable. How old are you love?

Please understand, he committed a crime, he assaulted you and now you are trying to think of ways to get him back into your life? That is madness Gracey. He deserves to be in prison, not to have you trying to beg him back. Think on it, you are literally begging a criminal - someone who assaulted you - to stay in your life. You must must must talk to your counselor and get help to stay away from him.

Original poster
Gracey1231 · 30/08/2016 19:06

I didn't want to exactly enclose all aspects of my past and previous life. Things to me are personal and not up for discussion unfortunately I had to enclose it, apologies for being misleading. This post was written in high emotion and I still am emotional. I miss him very much and I love him dearly, I want to be back together with him. Is there anyone who would mind a private message because I just don't know what to do. I can't really turn to anyone.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 19:14

The problem is Gracey with not revealling everything, you made it look very much like it was your fault and you were nasty to him and he left you for it.

That is why people were harsh and suggested you had been abusive.

Had you said from the first post that you said nasty things to him but he had hit you for it, the advice would have been very different. If you need advice you just cant conceal things like that as people can only advise on what you tell them here.

I can't speak for other posters but I am not getting drawn into private messaging with you. Because I can tell that you are still trying to get him back and that is what you want advice on.

I am not giving you any advice on this by private message as you've had advice. he hit you, you shouldnt even want to speak to him ever again and yet here you are trying to get advice to get him back.

We cant even tell you to just go NC as you want to use that as reverse psychology to get him back.

You have a counsellor, tell them and discuss with them. You do have someone to turn to.

You've had advice and you've been told what to do: cut him out of your life. I am not enabling you to try and get him back. Sorry Flowers

QueenLizIII · 30/08/2016 19:19

If you want confirmation that we are not just a load of rude uncaring people...then try it elsewhere.

I am not sure if this is breaching talk guidelines but I will post it anyway and if a breach, this can be deleted I assume.

Before I came here, I used to use a US website but I stopped as I prefered to use a predominantly UK site and I had been reading MN relationships for a while before I decided to join.

Post the same story on the US website for different people, and I bet you the advice is no different. Give it a shot.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/